O' a' the numerous human dools,
Ill har'sts, daft bargains, cutty-stools,
Or worthy friends raked i' the mools,
Sad sight to see!

The tricks o' knaves or fash o' fools,
Thou bear'st the gree.

Where'er that place be priests ca' hell,
Whence a' the tones o' mis'ry yell,
And ranked plagues their numbers tell,
In dreadfu' raw,

Thou, Toothache, surely bear'st the bell,
Among them a';

O thou grim mischief-making chiel,
That gars the notes of discord squeal,
Till daft mankind aft dance a reel
In gore a shoe-thick!
Gie a' the faes o' Scotland's weal
A fowmond's Toothache!

grim broke,

"You lazy lubber!"

"Ods curse it!" cried the other, "'t is no joke; My feet, once hard as any rock, Are now as soft as blubber.

"Excuse me, Virgin Mary, that I swear,
As for Loretto, I shall not get there;
No, to the devil my sinful soul must go,
For damme if I ha'n't lost every toe.
But, brother sinner, pray explain
How 't is that you are not in pain.

All were impostors. "Ah!" Hodge sighed, "I wish my eighteen pence within my purse."

In vain to chase his beard, and bring the graces, He cut, and dug, and winced, and stamped, and swore;

Brought blood, and danced, blasphemed, and made wry faces,

And cursed each razor's body o'er and o'er:

His muzzle formed of opposition stuff,

Firm as a Foxite, would not lose its ruff;

So kept it, laughing at the steel and suds.

toes,

Vowing the direst vengeance with clenched claws,
On the vile cheat that sold the goods.
"Razors ! a mean, confounded dog,
Not fit to scrape a hog!"

Hodge sought the fellow, found him, and begun :

"P'rhaps, Master Razor-rogue, to you 't is fun,

That people flay themselves out of their lives. You rascal! for an hour have I been grubbing, Giving my crying whiskers here a scrubbing,

With razors just like oyster-knives.
Sirrah! I tell you you 're a knave,
To cry up razors that can't shave!"

"Friend," quoth the razor-man, "I'm not a knave;

As for the razors you have bought,

Upon my soul, I never thought

That they would shave."

"Not think they'd shave!" quoth Hodge, with wondering eyes,

And voice not much unlike an Indian yell; "What were they made for, then, you dog?" he cries.

"Made," quoth the fellow with a smile, "to sell." DR. JOHN WOLCOTT (Peter Pindar)

"In the parish of St. Neots, Cornwall, is a well arched over with the robes of four kinds of trees, withy, oak, elm, and ash,

and

'Now art thou a bachelor, stranger?" quoth he, "For an if thou hast a wife,

The happiest draught thou hast drank this day That ever thou didst in thy life.

"Or has your good woman, if one you have,
In Cornwall ever been?

For an if she have, I'll venture my life
She has drunk of the Well of St. Keyne."

"I have left a good woman who never was here," The stranger he made reply;

"But that my draught should be better for that, "I pray you answer me why."

"St. Keyne," quoth the countryman, "many a

time

Drank of this crystal well,

And before the angel summoned her She laid on the water a spell.

"If the husband of this gifted well Shall drink before his wife, A happy man thenceforth is he,

For he shall be master for life.

"But if the wife should drink of it first,
Heaven help the husband then!"
The stranger stooped to the Well of St. Keyne,
And drank of the waters again.

"You drank of the well, I warrant, betimes?" He to the countryman said.

that, whether husband or wife first drink thereof, they get the mas tery thereby."— FULLER.

A WELL there is in the West country,
And a clearer one never was seen;
There is not a wife in the West country
But has heard of the Well of St. Keyne.

An oak and an elm tree stand beside, And behind does an ash-tree grow, And a willow from the bank above

Droops to the water below.

A traveller came to the Well of St. Keyne;

Pleasant it was to his eye,

For from cock-crow he had been travelling, And there was not a cloud in the sky.

He drank of the water so cool and clear,

For thirsty and hot was he, And he sat down upon the bank,

Under the willow-tree.

There came a man from the neighboring town At the well to fill his pail,

On the well-side he rested it,

And bade the stranger hail.

And sheepishly shook his head.

"I hastened, as soon as the wedding was done, And left my wife in the porch.

But i' faith, she had been wiser than me,
For she took a bottle to church."

ROBERT SOUTHEY,

THE EGGS AND THE HORSES.

A MATRIMONIAL EPIC.

JOHN DOBBINS was so captivated

By Mary Trueman's fortune, face, and cap, (With near two thousand pounds the hook was baited,)

That in he popped to matrimony's trap.

One small ingredient towards happiness,
It seems, ne'er occupied a single thought;
For his accomplished bride
Appearing well supplied

With the three charms of riches, beauty, dress,
He did not, as he ought,

Think of aught else; so no inquiry made he
As to the temper of the lady.

And here was certainly a great omission; None should accept of Hymen's gentle fetter, "For worse or better,"

Whatever be their prospect or condition, Without acquaintance with each other's nature; For many a mild and quiet creature

Of charming disposition,

Alas! by thoughtless marriage has destroyed it. So take advice; let girls dress e'er so tastily, Don't enter into wedlock hastily

Unless you can't avoid it.

Week followed week, and, it must be confest, The bridegroom and the bride had both been blest ;

Month after month had languidly transpired,

Both parties became tired:
Year after year dragged on;
Their happiness was gone.

Ah! foolish pair!

"Bear and forbear"

Should be the rule for married folks to take. But blind mankind (poor discontented elves!) Too often make

The misery of themselves.

At length the husband said, "This will not do! Mary, I never will be ruled by you;

So, wife, d' ye see?

To live together as we can't agree,

Suppose we part!"

With woman's pride,
Mary replied,

"With all my heart!"

John Dobbins then to Mary's father goes, And gives the list of his imagined woes.

"Dear son-in-law!" the father said, "I see All is quite true that you 've been telling me; Yet there in marriage is such strange fatality, That when as much of life

You shall have seen

As it has been

My lot to see, I think you'll own your wife As good or better than the generality.

"An interest in your case I really take,
And therefore gladly this agreement make :
An hundred eggs within this basket lie,
With which your luck, to-morrow, you shall try;
Also my five best horses, with my cart;
And from the farm at dawn you shall depart.

All round the country go,

And be particular, I beg;

Where husbands rule, a horse bestow,
But where the wives, an egg.

Friend, is your master in the way?"
"No," said the man, with smiling phi,
"My master is not, but my mistress is ;
Walk in that parlor, sir, my lady 's in it :
Master will be himself there-in a minute.'
The lady said her husband then was dressing,
And, if his business was not very pressing,
She would prefer that he should wait until
His toilet was completed;

Adding, "Pray, sir, be seated."
Madam, I will,"