A TALE OF A TRUMPET. "Old woman, old woman, will you go a-shearing? Or all old women hard of hearing, OLD BALLAD. The deafest, sure, was Dame Eleanor Spearing! Two flaps there grew, That served for a pair of gold rings to go through; No hint was needed from D. E. F. You saw in her face that the woman was deaf: A look that said, in a silent way, "Who? and What? and How? and Eh? Was deaf as a post-and that post in particular Ears that might serve her now and then Or to hang with hoops from jewellers' shops, Or politics, whether of Fox or Pitt, They might as well, for any such wish, Have been buttered, done brown, and laid in a dish! And as deaf as twenty similes more, Including the adder, that deafest of snakes, She was deaf as a house - which modern tricks She was deaf as a stone say one of the stones Are deaf to the grub that's hollowing out As deaf, alas! as the dead and forgotten — (Gray has noticed the waste of breath In addressing the "dull, cold ear of death,") Or the Felon's ear, that was stuffed with Cotton - That only stare, whatever you "ax,” For their ears, you know, are nothing but wax. She was deaf as the ducks that swam in the pond, As deaf as any Frenchman appears, As deaf as dog's-ears to Enfield's Speaker! She was deaf as any tradesman's dummy, She was deaf as a nail that you cannot hammer A meaning into, for all your clamor There never was such a deaf old Gammer! So formed to worry Both Lindley and Murray, By having no ear for music or grammar! Deaf to sounds, as a ship out of soundings, No verbal message was worth a pin, Though you hired an earwig to carry it in! In short, she was twice as deaf as Deaf Burke, Who, in spite of his skill in hardness of hearing, To give the dunny organ a clearing, Could never have cured Dame Eleanor Spearing. Of course the loss was a great privation, And none the less that the dame had a turn For making all families one concern, And if the parlor of Mrs. O'Grady Had a wicked French print, or Death and the Lady? Did Snip and his wife continue to jangle ? Had Mrs. Wilkinson sold her mangle? What liquor was drunk by Jones and Brown? If the Snobbs had furnished their room up stairs, Beds, and other household affairs, Iron, wooden, and Staffordshire wares; And if they could muster a whole pair of bellows? `In fact she had much of the spirit that lies Perdu in a notable set of Paul Prys, By courtesy called Statistical Fellows A prying, spying, inquisitive clan, Who had gone upon much of the self-same plan, Jotting the laboring class's riches; And after poking in pot and pan, And routing garments in want of stitches, Have ascertained that a working man Wears a pair and a quarter of average breeches! But this, alas! from her loss of hearing Was all a sealed book to Dame Eleanor Spearing; And often her tears would rise to their founts Supposing a little scandal at play 'Twixt Mrs. O'Fie and Mrs. Au Fait That she couldn't audit the gossips' accounts. And never swallowed a thimble the less Who saw them talk, and chuckle, and cough, And yet the almond-oil she had tried, And fifty infallible things beside, Hot, and cold, and thick, and thin, Dabbed, and dribbled, and squirted in: But all remedies failed; and though some it was clear (Like the brandy and salt We now exalt) Had made a noise in the public ear, At last — one very fine day in June- Busily knitting, And humming she didn't quite know what tune, |