CHAP. XI. YORICK was this parson's name, and, what is very remarkable in it, (as appears from a most ancient account of the family, wrote upon strong vellum, and now in perfect preservation) it had been exactly so spelt for near-I was within an ace of saying nine hundred years; but I would not shake my credit in telling an improbable truth, however indisputable in itself ;and, therefore, I shall content myself with only saying It had been exactly so spelt, without the least variation or transposition of a single letter, for I do not know how long; which is more than I would venture to say of one half of the best sirnames in the kingdom; which, in a course of years, have generally undergone as many chops and changes as their owners.-Has this been owing to the pride, or to the shame of the respective proprietors ?-In honest truth, I think sometimes to the one, and sometimes to the other, just as the temptation has wrought. But a villainous affair it is, and will one day so blend and confound us all together, that no one shall be able to stand up and swear, "That his own great-grandfather was the man who did either this or that." This evil had been sufficiently fenced against by the prudent care of the Yorick family, and their religious preservation of these records I quote, which do farther inform us, That the family was originally of Danish extraction, and had been transplanted into England as early as in the reign of Horwendillus, King of Denmark, in whose court, it seems, an ancestor of this Mr Yorick, and from whom he was lineally descended, held a considerable post to the day of his death. Of what nature this considerable post was, this record saith not-it only adds, That, for near two centuries, it had been totally abolished, as altogether unnecessary, not only in that court, but in every other court of the Christian world. It has often come into my head, that this post could be no other than that of the king's chief jester; and that Hamlet's Yorick, in our Shakespeare, many of whose plays, you know, are founded upon authenticated facts, was certainly the very man. I have not the time to look into Saxo-Grammaticus's Danish history, to know the certainty of this ;-but if you have leisure, and can easily get at the book, you may do it full as well yourself. I had just time, in my travels through Denmark with Mr Noddy's eldest son, whom, in the year 1741, I accompanied as governor, riding along with him at a prodigious rate through most parts of Europe, and of which original journey performed by us two, a most delectable narrative will be given in the progress of this work; I had just time, I say, and that was all, to prove the truth of an observation made by a long sojourner in that country;—namely, "That nature was neither very lavish, nor was she very stingy, in her gifts of genius and capacity to its inhabitants;-but, like a discreet parent, was moderately kind to them all; observing such an equal tenor in the distribution of her favours, as to bring them, in those points, pretty near to a level with each other; so that you will meet with few instances in that kingdom of refined parts; but a great deal of good plain household understanding amongst all ranks of people, of which every body has a share ;" which is, I think, very right. With us, you see, the case is quite different: -we are all ups and downs in this matter;you are a great genius; or 'tis fifty to one, sir, you are a great dunce and a blockhead ;-not that there is a total want of intermediate steps; no, we are not so irregular as that comes to ;but the two extremes are more common, and in a greater degree in this unsettled island, where Nature, in her gifts and dispositions of this kind, is most whimsical and capricious; Fortune herself not being more so in the bequest of her goods and chattels than she. This is all that ever staggered my faith in regard to Yorick's extraction, who, by what I can remember of him, and by all the accounts I could ever get of him, seemed not to have had one single drop of Danish blood in his whole crasis; in nine hundred years, it might possibly have all run out :-I will not philosophize one moment with you about it; for happen how it would, the fact was this:-That instead of that cold phlegm and exact regularity of sense and humours, you would have looked for in one so extracted;-he was, on the contrary, as mercurial and sublimated a composition,—as heteroclite a creature in all his declensions ;-with as much life and whim, and gaieté de cœur about him, as the kindliest climate could have engendered and put together. With all this sail, poor Yorick carried not one ounce of ballast; he was utterly unpractised in the world; and at the age of twenty-six, knew just about as well how to steer his course in it, as a romping, unsuspicious girl of thirteen: so that upon his first setting out, the brisk gale of his spirits, as you will imagine, ran him foul ten times in a day of somebody's tackling; and as the grave and more slowpaced were oftenest in his way,-you may likewise imagine, 'twas with such he had generally the ill-luck to get the most entangled. For aught I know there might be some mixture of unlucky wit at the bottom of such fracas :for, to speak the truth, Yorick had an invincible dislike and opposition in his nature to gravity;-not to gravity as such ;--for where gravity was wanted, he would be the most grave or serious of mortal men for days or weeks together; but he was an enemy to the affectation of it, and declared open war against it, only as it appeared a cloak for ignorance, or for folly and then, whenever it fell in his way, however sheltered and protected, he seldom gave it much quarter. CHAP. XII. THE Mortgager and Mortgagée differ the one from the other, not more in length of purse, than the Jester and Jestée do, in that of memory. But in this the comparison between them runs, as the scholiasts call it, upon all-four; which, by the bye, is upon one or two legs more than some of the best of Homer's can pretend to ;namely, That the one raises a sum, and the other a laugh at your expence, and thinks no more about it. Interest, however, still runs on in both cases;-the periodical or accidental payments of it, just serving to keep the memory of the affair alive; till, at length, in some evil hour, Sometimes, in his wild way of talking, he would say, that Gravity was an arrant scoundrel, and he would add,-of the most dangerous kind too, because a sly one; and that he verily believed, more honest, well-meaning people were bubbled out of their goods and money by it in one twelvemonth, than by pocket-picking and shop-lifting in seven. In the naked temper which a merry heart discovered, he would say there was no danger,-but to itself: whereas the very essence of gravity was design, and conse--pop comes the creditor upon each, and by dequently deceit :-'twas a taught trick to gain credit of the world for more sense and knowledge than a man was worth; and that, with all its pretensions,-it was no better, but often worse, than what a French wit had long ago defined it,―viz. A mysterious carriage of the body to cover the defects of the mind;-which definition of gravity, Yorick, with great imprudence, would say, deserved to be wrote in letters of gold. But, in plain truth, he was a man unhackneyed and unpractised in the world, and was altogether as indiscreet and foolish on every other subject of discourse where policy is wont to impress restraint. Yorick had no impression but one, and that was what arose from the nature of the deed spoken of; which impression he would usually translate into plain English without any periphrasis;-and too oft without much distinction of either person, time, or place ;-so that when mention was made of a pitiful or an ungenerous proceeding he never gave himself a moment's time to reflect who was the hero of the piece, what his station,or how far he had power to hurt him hereafter;but if it was a dirty action, without more ado,-The man was a dirty fellow, and so on.-And as his comments had usually the ill-fate to be terminated either in a bon mot, or to be enlivened throughout with some drollery or humour of expression, it gave wings to Yorick's indiscretion. In a word, though he never sought, yet, at the same time, as he seldom shunned, occasions of saying what came uppermost, and without much ceremony;-he had but too many temptations in life, of scattering his wit and his humour,-his gibes and his jests about him.They were not lost for want of gathering. What were the consequences, and what was Yorick's catastrophe thereupon, you will read in the next chapter. manding principal upon the spot, together with full interest to the very day, makes them both feel the full extent of their obligations. As the reader (for I hate your ifs) has a thorough knowledge of human nature, I need not say more to satisfy him, that my Hero could not go on at this rate without some slight experience of these incidental mementos. To speak the truth, he had wantonly involved himself in a multitude of small book-debts of this stamp, which, notwithstanding Eugenius's frequent advice, he too much disregarded; thinking, that as not one of them was contracted through any malignancy;—but on the contrary, from an honesty of mind, and a mere jocundity of humour, they would all of them be crossed out in course. Eugenius would never admit this; and would often tell him, that one day or other he would certainly be reckoned with; and he would often add, in an accent of sorrowful apprehension,to the uttermost mite. To which Yorick, with his usual carelessness of heart, would as often answer with a pshaw !-and if the subject was started in the fields,—with a hop, skip, and a jump at the end of it; but if close pent up in the social chimney-corner, where the culprit was barricadoed in, with a table and a couple of armchairs, and could not so readily fly off in a tangent,-Eugenius would then go on with his lecture upon discretion in words to this purpose, though somewhat better put together : Trust me, dear Yorick, this unwary pleasantry of thine will sooner or later bring thee into scrapes and difficulties, which no after-wit can extricate thee out of. -In these sallies, too oft, I see it happens, that a person laughed at, considers himself in the light of a person injured, with all the rights of such a situation belonging to him; and when thou viewest him in that light too, and reckonest up his friends, his family, his kindred and allies, and muster'st up with them the many recruits which list under him from a sense of common danger ;'tis no extravagant arithmetic to say, that for every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred ene mies; and till thou hast gone on, and raised a swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by them, thou wilt never be convinced it is so. I cannot suspect it in the man whom I esteem, that there is the least spur from spleen or malevolence of intent in these sallies.I be lieve and know them to be truly honest and sportive: but consider, my dear lad, that fools cannot distinguish this, and that knaves will not; and that thou knowest not what it is, either to provoke the one, or to make merry with the other; whenever they associate for mutual defence, depend upon it, they will carry on the war in such a manner against thee, my dear friend, as to make thee heartily sick of it, and of thy life too. Revenge from some baneful corner shall level a tale of dishonour at thee, which no innocence of heart, or integrity of conduct, shall set right. -The fortunes of thy house shall totter, thy character, which led the way to them, shall bleed on every side of it,-thy faith questioned, -thy works belied,-thy wit forgotten,-thy learning trampled on. To wind up the last scene of thy tragedy, CRUELTY and COWARDICE, twin ruffians, hired and set on by MALICE in the dark, shall strike together at all thy infirmities and mistakes:- -the best of us, my dear lad, lie open there;-and trust me trust me, Yorick, when, to gratify a private appetite, it is once resolved upon, that an innocent and an helpless creature shall be sacrificed, 'tis an easy matter to pick up sticks enough from any thicket where it has strayed, to make a fire to offer it up with. Yorick scarce ever heard this sad vaticination of his destiny read over to him, but with a tear stealing from his eye, and a promissory look at tending it, that he was resolved, for the time to come, to ride his tit with more sobriety.-But, alas, too late! -a grand confederacy, with ***** and ***** at the head of it, was formed before the first prediction of it.The whole plan of attack, just as Eugenius had foreboded, was put in execution all at once,-with so little mercy on the side of the allies, and so little suspicion on Yorick of what was carrying on against him, that when he thought, good easy man!-full surely preferment was a'ripening, -they had smote his root,-and then he fell, as many a worthy man had fallen before him. Yorick, however, fought it out with all imaginable gallantry for some time; till, overpowered by numbers, and worn out at length by the calamities of the war,-but more so, by the ungenerous manner in which it was carried on, he threw down the sword; and though he kept up his spirits in appearance to the last, he died, nevertheless, as was generally thought, quite broken-hearted. What inclined Eugenius to the same opinion, was as follows: A few hours before Yorick breathed his last, Eugenius stept in with an intent to take his last sight and farewell of him. Upon his drawing Yorick's curtain, and asking how he felt himself, Yorick, looking up in his face, took hold of his hand; and, after thanking him for the many tokens of his friendship to him, for which, he said, if it was their fate to meet hereafter, he would thank him again and again, he told him, he was within a few hours of giving his enemies the slip for ever.I hope not, answered Eugenius, with tears trickling down his cheeks, and with the tenderest tone that ever man spoke,-I hope not, Yorick, said he.-Yorick replied, with a look up, and a gentle squeeze of Eugenius's hand, and that was all;-but it cut Eugenius to his heart. Come,-come, Yorick, quoth Eugenius, wiping his eyes, and summoning up the man within him, my dear lad, be comforted,-let not all thy spirits and fortitude forsake thee at this crisis, when thou most wantest them ;—who knows what resources are in store, and what the power of God may yet do for thee ?— Yorick laid his hand upon his heart, and gently shook his head.- -For my part, continued Eugenius, crying bitterly as he uttered the words, I declare I know not, Yorick, how to part with thee, and would gladly flatter my hopes, added Eugenius, cheering up his voice, that there is still enough left of thee to make a bishop,-and that I may live to see it.-I beseech thee, Eugenius, quoth Yorick, taking off his night-cap as well as he could with his left-hand, his right being still grasped close in that of Eugenius,-I beseech thee to take a view of my head.I see nothing that ails it, replied Eugenius. Then, alas! my friend, said Yorick, let me tell you, that it is so bruised and mis-shapened with the blows which ***** and *****, and some others, have so unhandsomely given me in the dark, that I might say with Sancho Pança, that should I recover, and "mitres thereupon be suffered to rain down from heaven as thick as hail, not one of them would fit it."Yorick's last breath was hanging upon his trembling lips ready to depart as he uttered this ;yet still it was uttered with something of a Cervantic tone; and as he spoke it, Eugenius could perceive a stream of lambent fire lighted up for a moment in his eyes;-faint picture of those flashes of his spirit, which (as Shakepear said of his ancestor) were wont to set the table in a roar ! Eugenius was convinced from this, that the heart of his friend was broke; he squeezed his hand, and then walked softly out of the room, weeping as he walked. Yorick followed Eugenius with his eyes to the door;-he then closed them, and never opened them more. He lies buried in a corner of his church-yard, in the parish of under a plain marble slab, which his friend Eugenius, by leave of his executors, laid upon his grave, with no more than these three words of inscription, serving both for his epitaph and elegy: Alas, poor YORICK! here, once for all, inform you, that all this will be more exactly delineated and explained in a map, now in the hands of the engraver, which, with many other pieces and developements of this work, will be added to the end of the twentieth volume :-not to swell the work,-I detest the thought of such a thing,—but by way of commentary, scholium, illustration, and key to such passages, incidents, or inuendoes, as shall be thought to be either of private interpretation, or of dark or doubtful meaning, after my Ten times in a day has Yorick's ghost the con- life and my opinions shall have been read over solation to hear his monumental inscription read (now don't forget the meaning of the word) by over, with such a variety of plaintive tones, as all the world; which, betwixt you and me, denote a general pity and esteem for him- and in spite of all the gentlemen reviewers in foot-way crossing the church-yard close by the Great Britain, and of all that their worships side of his grave,-not a passenger goes by with- shall undertake to write or say to the contrary, out stopping to cast a look upon it, and sigh--I am determined shall be the case.I need ing, as he walks on, not tell your worship, that all this is spoke in confidence. Alas, poor YORICK! -a CHAP. XIII. It is so long since the reader of this rhapsodical work has been parted from the midwife, that it is high time to mention her again to him, merely to put him in mind that there is such a body still in the world, and whom, upon the best judgment I can form upon my own plan at present,-I am going to introduce to him for good and all: but as fresh matter may be started, and much unexpected business fall out betwixt the reader and myself, which may require immediate dispatch, 'twas right to take care that the poor woman should not be lost in the meantime ;-because, when she is wanted, we can no way do without her. I think I told you that this good woman was a person of no small note and consequence throughout our whole village and township; —that her fame had spread itself to the very out-edge and circumference of that circle of importance, of which kind every soul living, whether he has a shirt to his back or no,-has one surrounding him which said circle, by the way, whenever 'tis said, that such a one is of great weight and importance in the world, I desire may be enlarged or contracted in your worship's fancy, is a compound ratio of the station, profession, knowledge, abilities, height and depth, (measuring both ways,) of the personage brought before you. In the present case, if I remember, I fixed it at about four or five miles, which not only comprehended the whole parish, but extended itself to two or three of the adjacent hamlets in the skirts of the next parish; which made a considerable thing of it. I must add, that she was, moreover, very well looked on at one large grange-house, and some other odd houses and farms within two or three miles, as I said, from the smoke of her own chimney :--but I must 7 CHAP. XIV. UPON looking into my mother's marriagesettlement, in order to satisfy myself and reader, in a point necessary to be cleared up, before we could proceed any further in this history,I had the good fortune to pop upon the very thing I wanted, before I had read a day and a half straight forwards;-it might have taken me up a month;which shews plainly, that when a man sits down to write a history, though it be but the history of Jack Hickathrift, or Tom Thumb, he knows no more than his heels what lets and confounded hinderances he is to meet with in his way, or what a dance he may be led, by one excursion or another, before all is over. Could an historiographer drive on his history, as a muleteer drives on his mule straight forward,—for instance, from Rome all the way to Loretto, without ever once turning his head aside, either to the right hand or to the left, he might venture to foretel you to an hour when he should get to his journey's end: -but the thing is, morally speaking, impossible; for, if he is a man of the least spirit, he will have fifty deviations from a straight line to make with this or that party as he goes along, which he can nowise avoid: he will have views and prospects to himself perpetually soliciting his eye, which he can no more help standing still to look at than he can fly; he will moreover have various Accounts to reconcile : Panegyrics to paste up at this door : Pasquinades at that:all which, both the man and the mule are exempt from. To sum up all; there are archives at every stage to be looked into, and rolls, records, documents, and endless genealogies, which justice ever and anon calls him back to stay the reading of:-in short, there is no end of it.For my own part, I declare I have been at it these six weeks, making all the speed I possibly could,—and am not yet born:-I have just been able, and that's all, to tell you when it happened, but not how; -so that you see the thing is yet far from being accomplished. These unforeseen stoppages, which, I own, I had no conception of when I first set out, but which, I am convinced now, will rather increase than diminish as I advance,-have struck out a hint which I am resolved to follow ;--and that is, not to be in a hurry, but to go on leisurely, writing and publishing two volumes of my life every year, which, if I am suffered to go on quietly, and can make a tolerable bargain with my bookseller, I shall continue to do as long as I live. CHAP. XV. THE article in my mother's marriage-settle ment, which I told the reader I was at the pains to search for, and which, now that I have found it, I think proper to lay before him,-is so much more fully expressed in the deed itself, than ever I can pretend to do it, that it would be barbarity to take it out of the lawyer's hand: -It is as follows: "AND THIS INDENTURE FURTHER WITNESSETH, That the said Walter Shandy, merchant, in consideration of the said intended marriage to be had, and by God's blessing to be well and truly solemnized and consummated between the said Walter Shandy and Elizabeth Mollineux aforesaid, and divers other good and valuable causes and considerations him thereunto specially moving,-doth grant, covenant, condescend, consent, conclude, bargain, and fully agree to and with John Dixon and James Turner, Esqrs. the above-named trustees, &c. &c.- -TO WIT,-That in case it should hereafter so fall out, chance, happen, or otherwise come to pass,- -that the said Walter Shandy, merchant, shall have left off business before the time or times that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall, according to the course of nafure, or otherwise, have left off bearing and bringing forth children; and that, in consequence of the said Walter Shandy having so left off business, he shall, in despight, and against the free-will, consent, and good-liking of the said Elizabeth Mollineux,-make a departure from the city of London, in order to retire to, and dwell upon, his estate at Shandy Hall, in the county of or at any other country-seat, castle, hall, mansion-house, messuage, or grange house, now purchased, or here after to be purchased, or upon any part or parcel of:-That then, and as often as the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall happen to be enceint with child or children, severally and lawfully begot, or to be begotten, upon the body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux during her said coverture, he the said Walter Shandy shall, at his own proper cost and charges, and out of his own proper monies, upon good and reasonable notice, which is hereby agreed to be within six weeks of her the said Elizabeth Mollineux's full reckoning, or time of supposed and computed delivery,-pay, or cause to be paid, the sum of one hundred and twenty pounds of good and lawful money, to John Dixon and James Turner, Esquires, or assigns,-upon TRUST and confidence, and for and unto the use and uses, intent, end, and purpose following:THAT IS TO SAY,- -That the said sum of one hundred and twenty pounds shall be paid into the hands of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, or to be otherwise applied by them the said trustees, for the well and truly hiring of one coach, with able and sufficient horses, to carry and convey the body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, and the child or children which she shall be then and there enceint and pregnant with,-unto the city of London; and for the further paying and defraying of all other incidental costs, charges, and expenses whatsoever, in and about, and for and relating to her said intended delivery and lying-in, in the said city or suburbs thereof. And that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall and may, from time to time, and at all such time and times as are here covenanted and agreed upon,-peaceably and quietly hire the said coach and horses, and have free ingress, egress, and regress throughout her journey, in and from the said coach, according to the tenor, true intent, and meaning of these presents, without any let, suit, trouble, disturbance, molestation, discharge, hinderance, forfeiture, eviction, vexation, interruption, or incumbrance whatsoever. -And that it shall moreover be lawful to and for the said Elizabeth Mollineux from time to time, and as oft or often as she shall well and truly be advanced in her said pregnancy, to the time heretofore stipulated and agreed upon,-to live and reside in such place or places, and in such family or families, and with such relations, friends, and other persons within the said city of London, as she, at her own will and pleasure, notwithstanding her present coverture, and as if she were a femme sole and unmarried,-shall think fit.- -AND THIS INDENTURE FURTHER WITNESSETH, That for the more effectually carrying of the said covenant into execution, the said Walter Shandy, merchant, doth hereby grant, bargain, sell, release, and confirm unto the said John Dixon and James Turner, Esquires, their heirs, executors, and assigns, in their actual possession now being, by |