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kinds of Christian names, which operated very By his ashes ! 'I swear it,-if ever malignant little either way; and as my father happened to spirit took pleasure, or busied itself in traverbe at Epsom when it was given him, he would sing the purposes of mortal man,-it must have oft-times thank Heaven it was no worse. An- been here ; and if it was not necessary. I drew was something like a negative quantity in should be born before I was christened, I would algebra with him :-it was worse, he said, than this moment give the reader an account of it. nothing:- -William stood pretty high : Numps again was low with him-and Nick, he said, was the Devil.
CHAP. XX. But, of all the names in the universe, he had the most unconquerable aversion for Tristram;
-How could you, madam, be so inathe had the lowest and most contemptible tentive in reading the last chapter ? I told you opinion of it, of any thing in the world, think- in it, That my mother was not a Papist. ing it could possibly produce nothing, in rerum Papist ! you told me no such thing, sir.—Manatura, but what was extremely mean and piti- dam, I beg leave to repeat it over again, that I ful: so that in the midst of a dispute on the told you as plain, at least, as words, by direct subject, in which, by the bye, he was frequently inference, could tell you such a thing.involved-he would sometimes break off in a Then, sir, I must have missed a page. sudden and spirited EPIPHONEMA, or rather No, madam,—you have not missed a word. Erotesis, raised a third, and sometimes a fi:ll Then I was asleep, sir. -My pride, madam, fifth, above the key of the discourse,-and de- cannot allow you that refuge. Then, i mand it categorically of his antagonist, whether declare, I know nothing at all about the matter. he would take upon him to say, he had ever -That, madam, is the very fault I lay to remembered, --whether he had ever read,—or your charge; and, as a punishment for it, I do even whether he had ever heard tell of a man, insist upon it, that you immediately turn back, called Tristram, performing any thing great, or that is, as soon as you get to the next full stop, worth recording ? -No,-he would say— and read the whole chapter over again. Tristram! - The thing is impossible. I have imposed this penance upon the lady,
What could be wanting in my father, but to neither out of wantonness nor cruelty, but from have wrote a book, to publish this notion of his the best of motives; and, therefore, shall make to the world ! Little boots it to the subtle spe- her no apology for it when she returns back: culatist to stand single in his opinions,—unless It is to rebuke a vicious taste which has he gives them proper vent:It was the iden- crept into thousands besides herself,
---of reading tical thing which my father did ;for in the straight forwards, more in quest of the advenyear sixteen, which was two years before I was tures, than of the deep erudition and knowledge born, he was at the pains of writing an express which a book of this cast, if read over as it DISSERTATION simply upon the word Tristram, should be, would infallibly impart with them. -shewing the world, with great candour and -The mind should be accustomed to make modesty, the grounds of his great abhorrence to wise reflections, and draw curious conclusions the name.
as it goes along; the habitude of which made When this story is compared with the title- Pliny the younger affirm, “That he never read page-will not the gentle reader pity my father a book so bad, but he drew some profit from it." from his soul ?To see an orderly and well- The stories of Greece and Rome, run over withdisposed gentleman, who, though singular,- out this turn and application,--do less service, yet inoffensive in his notions
-so played upon I affirm it, than the history of Parismus and in them by cross-purposes ; to look down Parismenes, or of the Seven Champions of Engupon the stage, and see him baffled and over- land, read with it. thrown in all his little systems and wishes ;
-But here comes my fair lady. Have to behold a train of events perpetually falling you read over again the chapter, madam, as I out against him, and in so critical and cruel å desired you ?
-You have: And did you not way, as if they had purposely, been planned observe the passage, upon the second reading, and pointed against him, merely to insult his which admits the inference ? Not a word speculations, in a word, to behold such a like it. -Then, madam, be pleased to ponone, in his old age, ill-fitted for troubles, ten der well the last line but one of the chapter, times in a day suffering sorrow ;- ten times where I take upon me to say, “It was necessary in a day calling the child of his prayers Tris- I should be born before I was christened.” Had TRAM!
-Melancholy dissyllable of sound ! my mother, madam, been a Papist, that consewhich, to his ears, was unison to Nincompoop, quence did not follow.* and every name vituperative under heaven. - Mr Tristram Shandy's compliments to Messrs
• The Romish Rituals direct the baptizing of the child, in cases of danger, before it is born ;-but upon this proviso, That some part or other of the child's body be seen by the baptizer.- But the Doctors Le Moyne, De Romigny, and De Marcilly, hopes after the ceremony of marriage, and before that they all rested well the night after so tiresome a of consummation, the baptizing all the Homunconsultation. He begs to know, whether, culi at once, slap-dash, by injection, would not
of the Sorbonne, by a deliberation held amongst them, April 10, 1733,—have enlarged the powers of the midwives, by determining, That though no part of the child's body should appear,—that baptism shall, nevertheless, be administered to it by injection,-par le moyen d'une petite canulle, --- Anglice, a squirt. 'Tis very strange that St Thomas Aquinas, who had so good a mechanical head, both for tying and untying the knots of school-divinity,—should, after so much pains bestowed upon this,-give up the point at last,-as a second La chose impossible. -—" Infantes in maternis uteris existentes (quoth St Thomas !) baptizari possunt nullo modo."-0 Thomas ! Thomas!
If the reader has the curiosity to see the question upon baptism by injection, as presented to the Doctors of the Sorbonne, with their consultation thereupon, it is as follows:
MEMOIRE PRESENTÉ A MESSIEURS LES DOCTEURS DE SORBONNE. Un Chirurgien Accoucheur, represente à Messieurs les Docteurs de Sorbonne, qu'il y a des cas, quoique très rares, ou une mère ne sçauroit accoucher, et méme ou l'enfant est tellement renfermé dans le sein de sa mère, qu'il ne fait paroître aucune partie de son corps, ce qui seroit un cas, suivant les Rituels, de lui conférer, du moins sous condition, le baptême. Le Chirurgien, qui consulte, prétend, par le moyen d'une petite canulle, de pouvoir baptiser immediatement l'enfant, sans faire aucun tort à la mère.
- Il demande si ce moyen, qu'il vient de proposer, est permis et légitime, et s'il peut s'en servir dans les cas qu'il vient d'exposer.
Le Conseil estime, qui la question proposée souffre de grandes difficultés. Les Théologiens posent d'une côté pour principe, que le baptême, qui est une naissance spirituelle, suppose une premiere naissance ; il faut être né dans le monde, pour renaitre en Jesus Christ, comme ils l'enseignent. S. Thomas, 3 part quæst 88. artic. 11. suit cette doctrine comme une vérité constante ; l'on ne peut, dit ce S. Docteur, baptiser les enfans qui sont renfermés dans le sein de leurs mères, et S. Thomas est fondé sur ce, que les enfans ne sont point nés et ne peuvent étre comptés parmi les autres hommes; d'où il conclud, qu'ils ne peuvent être l'objet d'une action extérieure pour reçevoir par leur ministère les sacremens nécessaires au salut : Pueri in maternis uteris existentes nondum prodierunt in lucem ut cum aliis hominibus vitam ducant ; unde non possunt subjici action; humanæ, ut per eorum ministerium sacramenta recipiant ad salutam. Les rituels ordonnent dans la pratique ce que les théologiens ont établi sur les mêmes matières, et ils defendent tous d'une manière uniforme, de baptiser les enfans qui sont renfermés dans le sein de leurs mères, s'ils ne font paroître quelque partie de leurs corps. Le concours des théologiens, et des rituels, qui sont les régles des diocéses, paroit former, une autorité qui termine la question presente; cependant le conseil de conscience considerant d'un côté, que le raisonnement des théologiens est uniquement fondé sur une raison de convenance, et que la defense des rituels suppose que l'on ne peut baptiser immediatement les enfans ainsi renfermés dans le sein de leurs meres, ce qui est contre la supposition presente ; et d'un autre côté, considerant que les mémes théologiens enseignent, que l'on peut risquer les sacremens que Jesus Christ a établis comme des moyens faciles, mais nécessaires pour sanctifier hommes ; et d'ailleurs estimant, que les enfans renfermés dans le sein de leurs mères, pourroient étre capables de salut, parcequ'ils sont capables de damnation ;pour ces considerations, et en egard à l'exposé, suivant lequel on assure avoir trouvé un moyen certain de baptiser ces enfans ainsi renfermés, sans faire aucun tort à la mère, le Conseil estime que l'on pourroit se servir du moyen proposé, dans la confiance qu'il a, que Dieu n'a point laissé ces sortes d'enfans sans aucuns secours, et supposant, comme il est erposé, que le moyen dont il s'agit est propre à leur procurer le baptéme ; cependant comme il s'agitort, en autorisant la pratique proposée, de changer une regle universellement établie, le Conseil croit que celui qui consulte doit s'addresser à son evêque, et à qui il appartient de juger de l'utilité, et du danger du moyen proposé, et comme, sous le bon plaisir de l'evéque, le Conseil estime qu'il faudroit recourir au Pape, que a le droit d'expliquer le régles de l'eglise, et d'y déroger dans le cas, ou la loi ne sçauroit obliger, quelque sage et quelque utile que paroisse la manière de baptiser dont il s'agit, le Conseil ne pourroit l'approuver sans le concours de ces deux autorités. On conseile au moins à celui qui consulte, de s'addresser à son evéque, et de lui faire part de la presente décision, afin que, si le prelat entre dans les raisons sur lesquelles les docteurs soussignés s'appuyent, il puisse étre entorisé, dans le cas de nécessité, où il risqueroit trop d'attendre que la permission fút demandée et accordée d'employer le moyen qu'il propose si avantageux au salut de l'enfant. Au reste, le Conseil, en estimant que l'on pourTout s'en seruir, croit cependant, que si les enfans dont il s'agit, venoient au monde, contre l'esperance de ceux qui se servient servis du même moyen, il seroit necessaire de les baptiser sous condition ; et en cela le Conseil se conforme à tous les rituels, qui en autorisant le baptême d'un enfant qui fait paroître quelque partie de son corps, exjoignent néant moins, et ordonnent de le baptiser sous condition, s'il vient heureusement au monde.
Déliberé en Sorbonné, le 10 Avril, 1733.
be a shorter and safer cut still ; on condition, as of odd and whimsical characters;"_that was
was not fully made till about the middle of It is a terrible misfortune for this same book King William's reign-when the great Dryden, of mine, but more so to the Republic of Letters; in writing one of his long prefaces (if I mistake -so that my own is quite swallowed up in the not,) most fortunately hit upon it. Indeed toconsideration of it,- that this self-same vile pru- wards the latter end of Queen Anne, the great riency for fresh adventures in all things, has got Addison began to patronize the notion, and so strongly into our habit and humour,--and so more fully explained it to the world in one or wholly intent are we upon satisfying the impa- two of his Spectators; but the discovery was tience of our concupiscence that way,-that no
-Then, fourthly and lastly, that thing but the gross and more carnal parts of a this strange irregularity in our climate, producomposition will go down :-the subtile hints cing so strange an irregularity in our characters, and sly communications of science fly off, like doth thereby, in some sort, make us amends, spirits upwards, the heavy moral escapes by giving us somewhat to make us merry with downwards ; and both the one and the other are when the weather will not suffer us to go out of as much lost to the world, as if they were still doors,—that observation is my own; and was left in the bottom of the ink-horn.
struck out by me this very rainy day, March, I wish the male-reader has not passed by 26, 1759, and betwixt the hours of nine and ten many a one, as quaint and curious as this one, in the morning. in which the female-reader has been detected. Thus,—thus, my fellow-labourers and assoI wish it may have its effects ;-and that all ciates in this great harvest of our learning now good people, both male and female, from exain- ripening before our eyes ; thus it is, by slow ple, may be taught to think as well as read. steps of casual increase, that our knowledge,
physical, metaphysical, physiological, polemical,
nautical, mathematical, enigmatical, technical,
trical, with fifty other branches of it, (most of
as war begets poverty; poverty peace--must, in I think, replied my uncle Toby, taking his course, put an end to all kind of knowledge,pipe from his mouth, and striking the head of and then we shall have all to begin over it two or three times upon the nail of his left again ; or, in other words, be exactly where we thumb, as he began his sentence, -I think, says started. he- -But to enter rightly into my un
-Happy! thrice happy times ! I only cle Toby's sentiments upon this matter, you wish that the æra of my begetting, as well as must be made to enter first a little into his cha- the mode and manner of it, had been a little alracter, the outlines of which I shall just give tered, or that it could have been put off with you, and then the dialogue between him and any convenience to my father or mother, for my father will go on as well again.
some twenty or five-and-twenty years longer, -Pray what was that man's name,- for I when a man in the literary world might have write in such a hurry, I have no time to recol- stood some chance. lect or look for it,—who first made the observa- But I forget my uncle Toby, whom all this tion, .“ That there was great inconsistency in while we have left knocking the ashes out of his our air and climate ?” Whoever he was, it was tobacco-pipe. a just and good observation in him. But the His humour was of that particular species, corollary drawn from it, namely, “ That it is which does honour to our atmosphere ; and I this which has furnished us with such a variety should have made no scruple of ranking him
amongst one of the first-rate productions of it, and that was a most extreme and unparalleled had not there appeared too many strong lines in modesty of nature :- -though I correct the it of a family-likeness, which shewed, that he word nature, for this reason, that I may not derived the singularity of his temper more from prejudge a point which must shortly come to a blood, than either wind or water, or any modi- hearing; and that is, whether this modesty of fications or combinations of them whatever ; his was natural or acquired. -Whichever And I have, therefore, oft-times wondered, that way my uncle Toby came by it, it was nevermy father, though I believe he had his reasons theless modesty in the truest sense of it; and for it, upon his observing some tokens of eccen- that is, madam, not in regard to words, for he tricity in my course when I was a boy,--should was so unhappy as to have very little choice in never once endeavour to account for them in them,—but to things ;- -and this kind of mothis way; for all the Shandy Family were of desty so possessed him, and it arose to such a an original character throughout, I mean the height in him, as almost to equal, if such a males; the females had no character at all, thing could be, even the modesty of a woman, -except, indeed, my great aunt Dinah, who, -that female nicety, madam, and inward cleanabout sixty years ago, was married and got with liness of mind and fancy, in your sex, which child by the coachman, for which my father, makes you so much the awe of ours. according to his hypothesis of Christian names, You will imagine, madam, that my uncle would often say, She might thank her godfa- Toby had contracted all this from this very thers and godmothers.
source; that he had spent a great part of It will seem very strange,--and I would as his time in converse with your sex; and that, soon think of dropping a riddle in the reader's from a thorough knowledge of you, and the force way, which is not my interest to do, as set him of imitation which such fair examples render irupon guessing how it could come to pass, that resistible,-he had acquired this amiable turn an event of this kind, so many years after it had of mind. happened, should be reserved for the interrup- I wish I could say so ;
-for unless it was tion of the peace and unity, which otherwise so with his sister-in-law, my father's wife, and my cordially subsisted between my father and my mother,-my uncle Toby'scarce exchanged three uncle Toby. One would have thought, that the words with the sex in as many years;no, whole force of the misfortune should have spent he got it, madam, by a blow. A blow ! and wasted itself in the family at first, as is ge- -Yes, madam, it was owing to a blow from nerally the case :
-But nothing ever wrought a stone, broke off by a ball from the parapet of with our family after the ordinary way. Pos- a horn-work at the siege of Namur, which sibly at the very time this happened, it might struck full upon my uncle Toby's groin.have something else to afflict it; and as afflic- Which way could that effect it? The story of tions are sent down for our good, and that as that, madam, is long and interesting; but this had never done the Shandy FAMiLy any it would be running my history all upon heaps good at all, it might lie waiting till apt times to give it you here. 'Tis for an episode and circumstances should give it an opportunity hereafter; and every circumstance relating to it, to discharge its office.- Observe, I determine in its proper place, shall be faithfully laid before nothing upon this. My way ever to point you:
Till then, it is not in my power to give out to the curious, different tracts of investiga- further light into this matter, or say more than tion, to come at the first springs of the events I what I have said already,that my uncle Toby tell : not with a pedantic Fescue,-or in the was a gentleman of unparalleled modesty, which decisive manner of Tacitus, who outwits him- happening to be somewhat subtilized and rareself and his reader ; but with the officious fied by the constant heat of a little family pride, humility of a heart devoted to the assistance they both so wrought together within him, merely of the inquisitive; to them I write, that he could never bear to hear the affair of my - and by them I shall be read, --if any such aunt Dinah touched upon, but with the greatest reading as this could be supposed to hold out so emotion. The least hint of it was enough long,—to the very end of the world.
to make the blood fly into his face; -but Why this cause of sorrow, therefore, was thus when my father enlarged upon the story in reserved for my father and uncle, is undetere mixed companies, which the illustration of his mined by me. But how, and in what direction hypothesis frequently obliged him to do,--the it exerted itself, so as to become the cause of unfortunate blight of one of the fairest branches dissatisfaction between them, after it began to of the family, would set my uncle Toby's hooperate, is what I am able to explain with great nour and modesty a-bleeding; and he would exactness, and is as follows:
often take my father aside, in the greatest conMy uncle TOBY SHANDY, madam, was a gen- cern imaginable, to expostulate and tell him, he tleman, who, with the virtues which usually con- would give him any thing in the world only to stitute the character of a man of honour and rec- let the story rest. titude, possessed one in a very eminent degree, My father, I believe, had the truest love and which is seldom or never put into the catalogue; tenderness for my uncle Toby, that ever one
brother bore towards another, and would have especially when any thing which he deemed very done any thing in nature, which one brother in absurd, was offered. reason could have desired of another, to have As not one of our logical writers, nor any of made my uncle Toby's heart easy in this or any the commentators upon them, that I remember, other point. But this lay out of his power. have thought proper to give a name to this par
-My father, as I told you, was a philoso- ticular species of argument, I here take the lipher in grain,-speculative,-systematical;- berty to do it myself, for two reasons. First, and my aunt Dinah's affair was a matter of as That, in order to prevent all confusion in dismuch consequence to him, as the retrogradation putes, it may stand as much distinguished for of the planets to Copernicus :- The backsli- ever, from every other species of argument, -as dings of Venus in her orbit fortified the Coper- the Argumentum ad Verecundiam, er Absurdo, nican system, called so after his name ; and the ex Fortiori, or any other argument whatsoever: backslidings of my aunt Dinah in her orbic, did -And, secondly, That it may be said by my the same service in establishing my father's sys- children's children, when my head is laid to rest, tem, which, I trust, will for ever hereafter be that their learned grandfather's head had been called the SHANDEAN SYSTEM, after bis. busied to as much purpose once, as other people's:
In any other family dishonour, my father, I -That he had invented a name,--and genebelieve, had as nice a sense of shame as any man rously thrown it into the TREASURY of the Ars whatever ;-and neither he, nor, I dare say, Logica, for one of the most unanswerable arguCopernicus, would have divulged the affair in ments in the whole science. And, if the end of either case, or have taken the least notice of it disputation is more to silence than convince, to the world, but for the obligations they owed, they may add, if they please, to one of the best as they thought, to truth. -Amicus Plato, arguments too. my father would say, construing the words to I do, therefore, by these presents, strictly ore my uncle Toby, as he went along, Amicus Pla- der and command, That it be known and disto; that is, Dinah was my aunt, sed ma- tinguished by the name and title of the Argugis amica Veritas ; -but Truth is my sister, mentum Fistulatorium, and no other ;- and
This contrariety of humours betwixt my fa- that it rank hereafter with the Argumentum ther and my uncle, was the source of many a Baculinum and the Argumentum ad Crumenam, fraternal squabble. The one could not bear to and for ever hereafter to be treated of in the hear the tale of family disgrace recorded, -and same chapter. the other would scarce ever let a day pass to an As for the Argumentum Tripodium which is end without some hint at it.
never used but by the woman against the man; For God's sake, my uncle Toby would cry, and the Argumentum ad Rem, which, conand for my sake, and for all our sakes, my trariwise, is made use of by the man only against dear brother Shandy-do let this story of our the woman ;- as these two are enough in conaunt's and her ashes sleep in peace;
-how science for one lecture,-and, moreover, as the can you, how can you have so little feeling one is the best answer to the other,-let them and compassion for the character of our family likewise be kept apart, and be treated of in a
- What is the character of a family to an hy- place by themselves. pothesis ? my father would reply.- -Nay, if you come to that, what is the life of a family? -The life of a family!
CHAP. XXII. Toby would say, throwing himself back in his arm-chair, and lifting up his hands, his eyes, The learned Bishop Hall, I mean the famous and one leg -Yes, the life, my father Dr Joseph Hall
, who was Bishop of Exeter in would say, maintaining his point. How many King James the First's reign, tells us, in one of thousands of 'em are there, every year that his Decades, at the end of his Divine Art of comes, cast away in all civilized countries at Meditation, imprinted in London in the year least)—and considered as nothing but common 1610, by John Beal, dwelling in Aldersgateair, in competition of an hypothesis ?-In my street, " That it is an abominable thing for a plain sense of things, my uncle Toby-would an- man to commend himself;"—and really I swer,-- every such instance is downright MUR- think it is so. DER, let who will commit it.- -There lies And yet, on the other hand, when a thing is your mistake, my father would reply ;
-for, executed in a masterly kind of a fashion, which in Foro Scientiæ there is no such thing as Mun- thing is not likely to be found out; I think DER,—'tis only Death, brother.
it is full as abominable, that a man should lose My uncle Toby would never offer to answer the honour of it, and go out of the world with this by any other kind of argument, than that the
conceit of it rotting in his head. of whistling half a dozen bars of Lillabullero. This is precisely my situation.
-You must know it was the usual chan- For in this long digression which I was accinel through which his passions got vent, when dentally led into, as, in all my digressions (one any thing shocked or surprised him ; but only excepted,) there is a master-stroke of di.