nothin' at all for costs, unless they got 'em out of Mr. Pickwick." 11. At this very unexpected reply, the spectators tittered again, and Dodson and Fogg, turning very red, leaned over to Sergeant Buzfuz, and in a hurried manner whispered something in his ear. "You are quite right," said Sergeant Buzfuz aloud, with affected composure. "It's perfectly useless, my lord, attempting to get at any evidence through the impenetrable stupidity of this witness. I will not trouble the court by asking him any more questions. Stand down, sir." 12. "Would any other gen'l'man like to ask me any thin'?" inquired Sam, taking up his hat, and looking round most deliberately. "Not I, Mr. Weller, thank you," said Sergeant Snubbin, laughing. "You may go down, sir," said Buzfuz, waving his hand impatiently. Sam went down accordingly, after doing Messrs. Dobson and Fogg's case as much harm as he conveniently could, and saying just as little respecting Mr. Pickwick as might be, which was precisely the object he had in view all along. CLXXXVI.-RULES FOR PRESERVING HEALTH. I SEE there is a fellow who calls himself Dr. Hall, and who publishes a Journal of Health, in which he gives a good many ridiculous rules which he says will preserve the health. I haven't much confidence in this fellow, for he is a doctor, and it is naturally against his interest to publish rules that will keep people healthy. I believe he has designs on the community and only wants to shatter and break up their constitutions. As for his rules, I can beat them myself, if I try, and I herewith do so. If these are accurately followed they will do as much good as old man Hall's, any time. 1st. Never hang yourself out of an open window when you go to bed at night. The attraction of gravitation is always powerful during the nocturnal hours, and it may draw you violently against the pavement, and tear your night shirt. 2d. Always avoid drafts-on yourself-unless endorsed by a man with lots of "soap." 3d. In cold weather always wear thick, warm clothing about your body. If you haven't money enough to buy it, attend an inextinguishable conflagration in the vicinity. of a first-class clothing shop. 4th. If you wear spectacles avoid going into any firemen's riots that may be transpiring. The reason of this is, that in addition to having your feelings hurt, you will very likely get more glass in your eyes than you had outside. 5th. If you are quite a small baby be careful that there are no pins in your clothes, and always take a drink of milk punch out of a bottle with a gum thing on the muzzle, before you get into your cradle. 6th. In eating raw oysters always peel the shells off before swallowing. The shells are indigestible and are apt to lay on the stomach. 7th. Never sleep more than nine in a bed, even in a country hotel where a Political Convention is being held. It is apt to produce a nightmare if any of the party kick in their sleep. This is especially the case when they go to bed with their boots on. 8th. Abstain entirely from alcoholic drinks. The best way to do that is not to drink any alcohol. 9th. Never travel on railroad trains. Many persons have died quite unexpectedly by this imprudence. 10th. Never jab butcher knives, steel forks, and such things into your vitals: it is very unwholesome. 11th. Always come in when it rains, and if a rattlesnake bites you in the leg cut it off, unless you wear false calves or a wooden leg. In that case just untie it and take it off. I don't say that fellows who follow these instructions will never die and let their friends enjoy a ride to the cemetery, but you won't get choked off in the bloom of your youth and beauty. By the way, isn't it odd that as soon as death overtakes us, man undertakes us? It is. It is. CLXXXVII.-A MAIDEN'S "PSALM OF LIFE." 1. TELL me not in idle jingle, Marriage is an empty dream!" And girls are not what they seem. 2. Life is real! Life is earnest! "Man thou art, to man returnest!" 3. Not enjoyment, and not sorrow, 4. Life is long, and youth is fleeting, And our hearts, though light and gay. 5. In the world's broad field of battle, Be not like dumb driven cattle! 6. Trust no future, howe'er pleasant, Heart within and hope ahead! 7. Lives of married folks remind us 8. Such example that another, Wasting time in idle sport, 9. Let us, then be up and doing, Still contriving, still pursuing, And each one a husband get. CLXXXVIII.-JOSH BILLINGS ON "GONGS." 1. JOSH BILLINGS relateth his first experience with the gong, thusly: I kan never holi eradicate from my memory the sound ove the first gong I ever herd. I was settin on the frunt step of a tavurn in the sity of Bufferlow, pensively smokin. The sun was goin to bed, and the hevins fur and near was a blushin at the performance. The Ery Kanal with its golden waters was on its way to Albany, and I was perusin the line botes a floatin bi, and thinking of Italy (wher I uste to live) and gondolers and gallus wimmin. Mi entire sole, was, az it were, in a swet—i wanted to klimb-i felt grate, I aktually gru. There are things in this life not tu be trifled with: there are times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees spiruts, when he kin almost tuch the mune, and feels az if he could fil both hans with the stars of hevin, and almost swear he was a bank president-that's what ailed me. 2. But the koarse ov tru luv never did run smuthe, (this is Shakespere's opinyun tu, I and he often thunk thru 1 quil)-jist az I waz duin mi best-dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, jam, dummer, rip, whang, roar, menjus, rally, jump, I struck the center of the sidewalk, with anuther I klared the gutter, and with another I struck the middle of the street, snortin like an injun pony at a band uv musick. I gazed in despair at the tavurn, and mi heart waz swelled up as big as a outdore uven, mi teeth were as loose as a string of bedes. I thot all the crockery in the tavurn had fell down. I thot of fenomenons. I thot of Gabril and hiz horn. I was jist on the pint of thinkin sumthin else when the landlord kum to the front step uv the tavurn, holdin by a string, the bottom of a brass kittle. He kawled me gentli with his hand. I went slola and slola up to him, he kammed my fearz, he said it was a gong. I saw the kussed thing: he said supper waz reddy. CLXXXIX.-SPEECH OF THE HOOSIER. 1. MR. SPEEKER: I hail from the wild-fire district, State of Indiana, continent of North America. I am indebted for the high and extinguished honor, which I now enjoy, to the most humane and disarming constitency, that can be scared up in all the diggins of the mighty west. Why sir, if a man of parts makes his apperance among them, it beats all natur, what a meeking kindness they take to him. 2. Finely sir, lastly says they to me "Swackerhammer" says they, (my name is Swackerhammer, Nathan Swackerhammer,) "Swackerhammer" says they, "You are a man of parts, and you must go to congress.' I carculate not says I, but sure enough, here I are; and sir, I should deserve to be catawamptiously chawed up, if I did not embrace this proud occasion, to express to them the lofty depths of my gratitude. 3. I will sing their praises as long as the waters of the broad Mississippi shall kiss its pebbled shore; as long as the bright and beautiful rainbow displays its gorgeous tints. across the heavens' blue arch; as long as the roaring tempest sweeps in awful majesty over the face of the terrified earth: yes, as long, Mr. Speeker, as long as a goose can stand on one foot. 4. When I first took my seat upon this floor, and beheld the dazzling lustre of this spacious hall, the absteneous and emaciating dignity of this Assembly, and heard the strains of divine eloquence which played like the winged lightning around us, I felt as contamnacious as a pair of new greeced boots, and no more thought of trying to make a speech here, than of plucking bright honors from the pale-faced moon, or drinking a cup of sour buttermilk with a fly in it. But now I go it with a perfect looseness. |