ОH, Canada, dear Canada, we shall not discombobulate Ourselves concerning JONATHAN. 'Tis true he tried to rob you late (That is if Tariff-diddling may be qualified as robbery), But BULL has learned the wisdom of not kicking up a bobbery. No, Canada, we love you dear, and shall be greatly gratified Railings and ravings rantipole we hold are reprehensible, A mother's proud to see her child learning to "run alone," you know; But does not wish to see her " run away" from home, she'll own you know. MACDONALD is magniloquent, perhaps a bit thrasonical; His dark denunciations-at a distance-sound ironical, WRIGHT; dear, And when we read the rows between him and Sir RICHARD CART- Beware the Ides of March? Oh, no! All auguries we defy, my dear! The spectre of disloyalty don't scare us; all my eye, my dear. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, February 16.-After long tarrying, House once more justified its old character. Been dolefully dull these weeks and months past. Thought it was dead; only been sleeping. To-night woke up, and audience that filled every Bench, blocked the Gangways, and thronged the Bar, had rare treat Occasion was the indictment of Prince ARTHUR; long pending; A SENSITIVE EAR. was to have come off at beginning of Session; put off on account Intelligent Briton. "BUT WE HAVE NO THEATRE, NO ACTORS WORTHY of counter attractions in Committee-Room No. 15; postponement oF THE NAME, MADEMO SEI LE ! WHY, THE ENGLISH DELIVERY OF no longer possible; and here we are, House throbbing with excite- BLANK VERSE IS SIMPLY TORIURE TO AN EAR ACCUSTOMED TO HEAR ment, OLD MORALITY nervously clacking about Treasury Bench, IT GIVEN ITS FULL BEAUTY AND SIGNIFICANCE BY a Bernhardt or bringing his chicks together under his wing. RANDOLPH brought A COQUELIN!" his young beard down to witness performance. Initial difficulty in Irish Camp; Brer Fox sitting in old place, two steps down third bench below Gangway. Brer RABBIT, sunk in profound meditation, oblivious to the rival Leader's presence, occupies corner seat; room for one between them. Who shall take it? Anxious time for TIM HEALY. Nothing he dreads so much as possibility of outbreak. In CommitteeRoom No. 15, Brer Fox snatched out of Brer RABBIT'S hand a sheet of paper. Suppose now, in sudden paroxysm, he were to reach forth and taking Brer RABBIT by the beard bang his head against the back of the Bench? TIM's gentle nature shivered with apprehension; thing to do was to get a good plump gentleman set between the two, so that in case hostilities broke out his body might be used as buffer. Thought of ELTON first. Besides a proA Buffer Q.C. fessional desire to find occupation for Members of the Bar, ELTON's figure seemed made on purpose for the peaceful errand TIM had in mind. Broached subject. ELTON said, always happy to oblige; but was, in fact, just now retiring from Parliamentary life; didn't care to be brought into undue prominence. Besides, he belonged to other side of House; Why not try T. B. POTTER? Mademoiselle. "INDEFD? I HAVE NEVER HEARD BERNHARDT OR COQUELIN RECITE ENGLISH BLANK VERSE!" Intelligent Briton. "OF COURSE NOT. I MEAN FRENCH BLANK VERSE-THE BLANK VERSE OF CORNEILLE, RACINE, MOLIÈRE!" Mademoiselle. "OH, MONSIEUR, THERE IS NO SUCH THING!" [Briton still tries to look intelligent. "The very man!" cried TIM, "I believe you and he scale the same to a pound, and though your waist is more shapely, he has the advantage in shoulders." POTTER most obliging of men; offered no objection. So TIM conducted him to the seat; he dropped gently, but firmly in it; Brer RABBIT putting on his spectacles, and looking across the expanse of T. B.'s shoulders, thought he recognised Brer Fox at the other side. Anyhow, he was beyond speaking distance, and so embarrassment was obviated. TIM, his mind thus at rest, able to devote his attention to debate, to progress of which, he contributed a few interjections. Finally, when Division taken on JOHN MORLEY'S Motion, and everybody ready to go home, he moved and carried Adiournment of Debate. Business done.-Prince ARTHUR indicted for breach of Constitutional Law in Ireland. Jury retired to consider their verdict. Agreed upon acquittal by 320 Votes against 245. Tuesday.-A once familiar presence pervades House to-night. Everyone more, or less vaguely, conscious of it. Even without chancing to look up to Peers' Gallery, Members are inspired with sudden mysterious access of Moral Influence. OLD MORALITY himself, that overflowing reservoir of moral axioms, takes on an aggravated air of responsibility and respectability. Has had a great triumph which would inflate a man of less modest character. Last night, or rather early this morning, Irish Members appeared to force Government hand; just when it seemed that RUSSELL'S Amendment was about to be substituted for MORLEY'S Resolution, TI HEALY interposed, moved Adjournment of Debate; OLD MORALITY protested; SEXTON slily threatened all-night sitting; after an hour's struggle, Government capitulated; Adjournment agreed to; Irish Members went off jubilant. To-night SEXTON asks OLD MORALITY when they shall resume debate? 46 Ah," says OLD MORALITY, with look of friendly interest, as if the idea had struck him for the first time, "yes; just so. The Hon. Member wants to know when we shall resume the debate, the adjournment of which he and his friends were instrumental in carrying at an early hour this morning. Well, I must say, on the part of Her Majesty's Government, that we are perfectly satisfied with matters as they were left. We had a lively debate, a majority much larger than we had dared to hope for, and, as far as we are concerned, I think we'll leave matters alone. As one of our great prose-writers observed, it is, on the whole, more conducive to comfort to endure any inconveniences that may press upon one at the current moment, than to hasten to encounter others with the precise nature of which we do not happen to be acquainted." GRAND CROSS missed this delightful little episode. not coming in till questions were over. Now he sat in Peers' Gallery and gazed through spectacles on scene of earlier triumphs. Looks hardly a day older than when he left us; the same perky manner, the same wooden visage, with its pervading air of supreme self-satisfaction and inscrutable wisdom. It is a night given up to Indian topics. PLOWDEN, in his quiet, effective way, has just carried Motion which will have substantial effect in the direction of securing fuller debate of Indian questions. GORST, standing at table replying to BUCHANAN on another Indian topic, alludes with deferential tone to "the SECRETARY OF STATE." GRAND CROSS almost audibly purrs from his perch in the Gallery. Under-Secretary. "An odd world, my masters," says the Member for SARK, striding out impatiently, "when you have a man like GORST Under-Secretary, with a man like GRAND CROSS at the Head of the Department." Business done.-An hour or two given to India. Thursday.-Army Estimates on to-night. HANBURY comes to the front, as usual. STANHOPE tossing about on Treasury Bench, in considerable irritation. recently spent some time in Boulogne) says, en route pour les chiens; the SECRETARY of State for WAR demonstrating that everything is in apple-pie order, and his right honourable predecessor on the Front Opposition Bench bearing testimony to the general state of efficiency. WOLMER flashed through the haze a word that has long wanted saying in the House. Why, he asked, place sentries surrounding St. James's Palace, the War Office, and the Horse Guards? Why, if presence of armed men at these particular gateways is essential to proper conduct of affairs of Department-why should Charity Commissioners and Education Office be left unguarded? WOLMER should keep pegging away at this question till he gets common-sense answer. Business done.- Army Estimates moved. Friday.-Gallant little Wales took the floor to-night. Wants the Church Disestablished; PRITCHARD MORGAN, in speech of prodigious length, asked House to sanction the proposal. The Government, determined to oppose Motion, cast about for Member of their body who could best lead opposition. Hadn't a Welshman on the Treasury Bench. "There's RAIKES, you know," AKERS-DOUGLAS said, discussing the matter with OLD MORALITY. "He's not exactly a Welshman, but, when he's at home, he lives in Denbighshire, which is as near being Wales as you can get. Besides, his postal address is Llwynegrin." "Ah!" said OLD MORALITY, "that looks well. He's not the rose, but he lives in convenient contiguity to the flower." So RAIKES was put up, and a nice, peaceful, soothing, insinuating, conciliatory speech he made. In fact, as the Member for SARK says, "He got gallant little Wales down on its back, tied its horns and heels together, partially flayed it, and then rubbed in cunningly contrived combination of Cayenne pepper and vinegar." Business done.-Welsh Disestablishment Motion negatived by 235 Votes to 203. Celt Again. GRANT-ALLEN,-his manner moves cynics to mirth!- OUT OF SCHOOL! DEAR MR. PUNCH,-You are so awfully good to chaps at school that I am sure you will insert this letter. SMITH MINOR, who takes in the Times, says, that a "PARENT" has been writing to say, that there should be a meeting of Fathers to swagger over the meeting of Head "What's the use, my ST. JOHN," he asked BRODRICK, the only man Masters. Well, this wouldn't be half a bad idea if it were properly standing by him, of a family arrangement like ours, if one is conducted; but the "PARENT" seems to be a beast of a governor, subjected to annoyance like this? With one brother in the Peers, who wants to cut down the holidays, and such like rot. And this a pillar of staid Conservatism; with myself on the Treasury Bench, brings me to what I want to propose myself. If there are to be a Cabinet Minister, a right-hand man of the Government: and then, meetings of Head Masters and Parents, why not a meeting of Boys? final touch, old PHILIP We have a heap of grievances. For instance, lots of chaps would EGALITE below the Gang-like to know why 66 the water" was stopped at Westminster, and way opposite, with his Radi- something about the domestic economy of Harrow. Then the great calism, and his tendency to and burning question of grub is always ready to hand. The out-JACOBY LABOUCHERE. "PARENT" wants to have a hand in the payment for school-books, This is a broad-based family seeing his way to getting the discount (stingy chap!) then why combination, that ought to shouldn't we fellows have a voice choosing them? Then about make us, each in his way, taking up Greek, why shouldn't we have our say in that matter? irresistible. And yet there After all, it interests us more than anyone else, as we are the seems nothing to prevent a fellows that will have to learn it, if it is to be retained. Then fellow like HANBURY look- about corporal punishment. Not that we mind it much, still we are ing down from his six feet the fellows who get swished at Eton, and feel the tolly at Beaumont. two scornfully on a British Surely the Boys know more about a licking than Head Masters soldier not more than five and Parents? You, as a practical man, will say, "Who should feet four in his stocking- attend the Congress?" I reply, every public school might send a feet, whilst he inflates his delegate; and by public school, I do not limit the term to the old chest, and asks, in profound legitimate E. and the two W.'s," Eton, Winchester and Westbass notes, how are the minster. No; I would throw it open to such respectable educational ancient glories of the British establishments as Harrow, Rugby, Charterhouse, St. Paul's, MarlArmy to be maintained with borough, Felsted, Cheltenham, Stonyhurst, and the rest of them. men who cannot stretch the The more the merrier, say I; and if there was a decided division tape at thirty-six inches?" of opinion on any subject, we could settle the matter off-hand at When HANBURY sat once, by taking off our jackets and turning up our shirt-sleeves. down, after pounding away The more I think of it, the more I like it! It would be a game! in ponderous style for nearly an hour, STANHOPE got up and prodded him reproachfully. Wonderful how much vinegar and vitriol he managed to distil into his oft-repeated phrase, "My honourable friend!" As for HANBURY, he sat with hands in pocket, staring at empty benches opposite, amazed at his own moderation. Hours of the usual kind of talk on Army Estimates; the Colonels, Volunteer and otherwise, showing that the Army is as GILL (who has "Amazed at his own Moderation." 66 Always your affectionate friend, (Signed) JONES MINIMUS. The Same Old Game. [Russia is said to be threatening the old Finnish laws and liberties.] NOTICE.-Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will mamind he a Stomped and Addressed Envelope. Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule "A GOOD LITTLE 'UN IS BETTER THAN A BAD BIG 'UN."—(P.R. Maxim.) A BIT OF MODERN BOXIANA. "110-Ton Guns do not count for any practical purpose. . . These monsters are the laughing-stock of everyone who takes the smallest interest in the subject. They are quite indefensible, and not worth making, even if they were unobjectionable, for the simple reason that everything we require can be done by smaller weapons... It is believed that more of these useless monsters are to be made by way of reserve. It is an insane policy, designed simply to save somebody's amour propre, and we still hope to hear from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON that it has been abandoned."-"The Times" Naval Estimates. on the "THAT a good little 'un is better than a bad big 'un," is an old and accepted maxim amongst the really knowing ones of the P. R. It is one, however, that now, as of yore, swell backers, self-conceited amateurs, and other pugilistic jugginses are apt to ignore or forget. Where, we wonder, would the slab-sided "Sprawleybridge Babe" or the shambling "Baldnob the Titan" have been in front of the small but active and accomplished "Duodecimo Dumps"? Why, where the vaunted "Benicia Boy" would have been after fifty rounds with Tom SAYERS-with his "Auctioneer" in full play. In fact, when a good little 'un meets a bad big 'un, it is very soon a case with the latter-of "bellows to mend," or "there he goes with his eye out!" These remarks have been suggested by recent revelations concerning that much over-rated pet of the mugs-the "Woolwich Whopper," alias the "Elswick Folly," alias HAMILTON'S "Novice." The W. W." always was a fraud, and, for all his lumbering bulk and "MOLINEAUX-like" capacity of "tatur-trap," never could trainon soundly, or-figuratively speaking-"spank a hole in a pound of butter." Many cleverish trainers, and still more ambitious backers of the "Corinthian Jay" species, have had a shy, professionally or monetarily, at the "Woolwich Whopper," and invariably with disastrous results. The "W. W.," though big enough in all conscience, is not of sound constitution, nor of the true wear-and-tear sort, is very difficult (and expensive) to train, and when brought fairly up to the scratch is certain to go bang to pieces after the first few rounds, if these are at all of a hot-and-hot character. Still there are-worse luck!-certain parties connected, more or less, with the P.R. who-whether from interest, vanity, or sheer cussedness, still pin their faith to this "huge, lumbering, soft, long-shanked, top-heavy, shambling, thump-shirking Son of a Gun," as NOBBY NUPKINS, of the Nautical Division, pithily called him the other day. If some of these credulous or conceited coves had witnessed the little trial 66 scrap " which took place recently (on the strict Q.T.), at the "Admiral's Head," in the presence of Mr. JOHN B.LL (the famous P.R. referee), between the vaunted "Whopper and a smart and handy light-weight known as "Quickfire," their owl-eyes might, having been a little opened, and their peacock-strut a bit modified. The" Woolwich Whopper," for all his height and overwhelming weight, seemed to toe the scratch with awkward reluctance. He put up his dukes very fumblingly, and his attitude was decidedly of the "head-over-tip" character. Young" Quickfire," on the contrary, was erect as a dart, nimble on his pins as a girl at her first dance, and smart in delivery as a newly-promoted Postman, or the Parcels Express. He was all over his man in a brace of shakes, and the "Whopper," who looked as though he could have knocked holes in him if he could have hit him, could hardly land a "little one in" once in the course of a round, and then it was so short that it would hardly have brushed a bumble-bee off a buttercup. The respected Referee, who watched the dust-up with careful interest, was much pleased with the promise of the smart light-weight, "Quickfire," who seems to have in him the makings of a fine fighter. Mr. B-LL did not disguise his disgust at the feeble figure cut by the "Whopper," about whose pretensions to first-class form, let alone Champion honours, it is to be hoped we shall hear little more for the future. [Mem.-Mr. Punch suspects that the above edifying and idiomatic homily was intended for some sporting contemporary, but, with his accustomed courtesy, he gives it for what it is worth.] TO A COMPLIMENTARY COUNSEL. ["Here the Plaintiff met the Defendant, who formed a strong attachment for her, at which he (the learned Counsel), did not wonder."- Extract from a recent Report] THE Plaintiff she was very fair- Last year a gentleman had stormed Her heart and swore that nought should sunder The strong attachment he had formed, At which you said you "did not wonder!" Oh! tell me was it quite the thing, Of prudence shamelessly defiant, In such a pointed way to sing The praises of your pretty client. Would you have reckoned it your duty To look and mark her lack of beauty? You cannot well escape supporting That He and She at last have parted, Of Promise Case, you must not blunder, RECOGNITION OF MERIT. Hy.7. The M Dougall, L.C.C. (to Cambridge Don). "WELL DONE! THE SPINSTER TO THE SPINNING HOUSE! YOU ARE INDEED A PROCTOR AND A BROTHER!" OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. The Quiet Mrs. Fleming is very nearly being a good novel of the kind with which "once upon a time" Mr. F. C. PHILIPS used to delight us. Mr. RICHARD PRYCE's Quiet Mrs. F. might perhaps be placed in the same category with F. C. P.'s Little Mrs. Murray, which was not by any means the Author's best. The story, like the Consols, is good enough for those who don't want much interest for their money. It may be safely recommended as a pleasant companion during a railway journey. The Baron does not consider that The Quiet Mrs. F. will make much noise in the novel-reading world. 66 A coloured leaflet, of autumnal tint, commands me, in the tone of a Wellington dispatch, to "order early" a new "Family Magazine," entitled, Golden Gates, edited by JOHN STRANGE WINTER. "I have not yet seen it," says the Baron, but wish the adventurous pennyworth every possible success.' Its bill of contents announces "a complete story," by the editress, and also a "complete novelette," by Mrs. LOVETT CAMERON. This looks well for the first number; and an editor's motto must be. "Take care of Number One." I suppose in each number there will be "A Winter's Tale." Interesting reading for the Baron and his friends the Public, is Mr. ANDERSON's article, entitled Studies in Illustrated Journalism, in this month's Magazine of Art. Mr. ANDERSON is a trifle inaccurate in some details of his pleasantlywritten and generally trustworthy sketch of the history of Mr. Punch, on which it is needless for the Baron to dwell hic et nunc. The Baron remembers the dapper, sportingly-attired "little HOWARD," who had the reputation of being "LEECH'S only pupil," but who was never one of Mr. Punch's Staff Officers. In the same number of this Magazine is a brief, but carefully written notice of the Baron's old friend, convive, and fellow-worker on Mr. Punch's staff, CHARLES KEENE. "A superb Artist," writes Mr. SPIELMAN, "pure and simple "-true this, in every sense-"the greatest master of line in black and white that will live for many years to come. The engraving that accompanies this notice of our old friend is not a striking likeness of CARLO," but it exactly reproduces his thoughtful attitude, with his pipe in his hand, so familiar to all his associates. Hereby and herewith thanks-a-many are returned to the "Bibliographer," who is also the Secretary of the Sette of Odd Volumes, for his charming little brochure about Robert Houdin, his Life and Magical Deeds, by his truly, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. A "STERNE" TRUTH (as to conviction under The Embezzlement and Larceny Act, 1861).-"They order this matter better in France." |