THE LATEST IN TELEGRAMS.

(See Daily Papers passim.)

[ALL FROM THE RAZZLE-DAZZLE AGENCY.]

ever, not so fortunate. The Mayor, being shortsighted, mistook the two denizens of the jungle for a couple of performing poodles, to whose training he had devoted much of his leisure, and who, as it happened, were at that precise moment expected on their return HUKIEWAUKIE, February 28. from the post-office, with the Mayor's mail in their mouths-a trick AN extraordinary incident has ust stirred the heart of this which had often amused the Mayor's friends. Mr. MADDERLEY populous Western centre to its depths. Some fifteen years ago advanced to stroke his supposed pets, and was much surprised to find Colonel ZACHARY B. DIBBS, one of the most prominent citizens of himself torn in pieces before he had time to send for the city mace. Hukiewaukie (then a mere collection of log-huts), disappeared with- Mrs. MADDERLEY, a stout, plethoric lady, would have been the next out leaving any address to which his letters and papers were to be victim, had she not, with extraordinary presence of mind, declared forwarded. Mrs. DIBBS, who was then about to give birth to the herself dead the moment the animals approached her. This deceit seventh scion of the house of DIBBS, was inconsolable, and ordered (which, however, has been the subject of grave censure in many the fish-ponds in the vicinity to be subjected to a rigorous pulpits,) saved her life. Maddened by the taste of blood, the tigers scrutiny. All her conjugal efforts proved fruitless, the missing next attacked Mr. LARIAT'S grocery store. Here, however, they met Colonel was nowhere to be found, and, after a decent interval spent their match in an army of Gorgonzola cheeses, which broke from in the wearing of widow's weeds, Mrs. DIBBS was led to the local their shelves, attacked the intruders with wonderful fury, and in registrar's office by Sheriff's Deputy ORLANDO T. STRUGGLES. Time ten minutes had so far subdued them that their owner was able to went on, and five flourishing STRUGGLESES were added by the former recapture them, and lead them home. The obsequies of Mr. MADDERMrs. DIBBS to the population of the town. On Thursday last, however, LEY's shoes and his umbrella-all that was left of the unhappy Mayor Colonel DIBBS was discovered by his eldest son, Mr. JERNIAH N. DIBBS, the well-known notary public, sitting in his familiar seat in the Fifth Street Saloon, drinking rum-shrub out of a tumbler. An explanation followed. Sheriff's Deputy STRUGGLES, in the handsomest manner, offered to resign all claim to the possession of the Colonel's spouse. The Colonel, however, would not hear of this. here yesterday about the ownership of a clasp-knife. They drew Two brothers, named respectively JOHN and THOMAS, quarrelled Finally it was decided to spin a five-dollar green-back for the lady. their revolvers at the same instant, and fired at a distance of two An inopportune gust of wind, however, carried off the fateful money, paces. Strangely enough the two deadly bullets met in the air, and, and the momentous question is still undecided. The Colonel has their force being exactly equal, they stopped dead and dropped to announced his intention of continuing a bachelor, even if he has to the ground, whence they were afterwards picked up and presented fight the matter up to the Supreme Court, and a large majority of the inhabitants of the town are willing to support him, with a view to making this a test case.

have just taken place amidst universal demonstrations of sympathy. The funeral cortège took an hour to pass a given point. Widow MADDERLEY proposes to sue the owner of her late husband's assassins. LYNCHVILLE, March 3.

to the trustees of the Lynchville Museum of Fine Art. Nothing daunted, the fraternal contestants set to work with their bowieMUNCHAUSENVILLE, March 2. knives, and were only separated after JOHN had inflicted on THOMAS YESTERDAY, as one of the chief tiger-purveyors of this city was ten mortal wounds and received from him one less. It is generally engaged in exercising his troupe of fiery, untamed tigers, in the admitted that nothing could have been fairer than the conduct of main street, two of the ferocious animals escaped from the string the police, who formed a cordon round the duellists, and thus prewhich has usually been found sufficient for their confinement. vented the fussy interference which has so often brought similar affairs A general stampede of the inhabitants immediately followed, the to a premature termination. The two coffins are to be of polished majority finding refuge in the bar of the recently constructed Hotel walnut-wood, and will be provided by the Friendly Society to which Columbia. Mayor MADDERLEY and his amiable consort were, how- the two deceased belonged, as a last mark of affection and regard.

Tuesday. Decidedly a Labour night, with Capital incidentally mentioned. First, OLD MORALITY announces appointment of Royal Commission to inquire into relations between Capital and Labour. His placid mind evidently disturbed by undesirable coincidence. On on re-organisation of Naval and Military Departments? STANHOPE Saturday night, GRANDOLPH, suddenly remembering he had consaid everything turned upon vacancy in post of Commander-in-stituents at West Paddington, took a penny Road Car, and paid Chief. When that berth empty, the machine would move. No chance them visit. Delivered luminous speech on things in general.

Workshops Bill read a Second Time.
Factory and

Recommended appointment of Royal Commission on relations "Wonderful man!" said the Member for SARK, gazing admiringly between Labour and Capital. To uninstructed mind looks uncom- on his massive brow. "Always reminds me of what SYDNEY SMITH monly like as if Ministers, reading this speech on Monday morning, said about another eminent person. 'Look at my little friend JEFhad said to each other, "Halloa! here's RANDOLPH in the field again. FREY. He hasn't body enough to Says we must have Labour Commission; suppose we must." cover his mind decently with. His Nothing of the kind happened. Cabinet Council met at noon on intellect is indecently exposed.' Saturday and decided upon Royal Commission. GRANDOLPH didn't Business done. · speak for some hours later. Odd that he should have hit on this Commission busines; just like his general awkwardness of interference. Must prevent all possibility of mistake; 80 OLD MORALITY, Friday. PROVAND brought on in announcing Commission, innocently, but pointedly, stops by the Motion raising vexed question of way to mention that Ministers had decided upon it "last Saturday." Taxation of Land. OLD MORALITY Wish GRANDOLPH had been here; would like to have seen the always on look-out to do kind thing; twinkle in his eye when he heard this little point made. But thought this would be good opporGRANDOLPH busy down by the Docks, picking up his outfit. Secret tunity of trotting out CHAPLIN ; of the sudden and surprising growth of the beard out now. GRANDOLPH had no chance of distinguishing off to the gold-diggings, and beard usually worn there. Hardly knew himself since he became Minister. him when I looked in the other day at Connaught Place; trying on So CHAPLIN put up; made mellihis new things; pair of rough unpolished boots coming over his knees; fluous speech. Unfortunately, belt round his waist holding up his trousers and conveniently sus- Mr. G. present; listened to CHAPpending jacknife, tin pannikin, and water-bottle. "For use on the LIN with suspicious suavity; folvoyage," he explains. Then a flannel shirt open at the neck; a wide-lowed him, and, as JEMMY Lowawake cocked on one side of his head; and a pickaxe on his shoulder. THER puts it, "turned him inside "I'm tired of civilisation, TOBY, and I am off to the diggins. out, and hung him up to dry." Leave you and OLD MORALITY, and the MARKISS and JACOBY to look after politics. As for me, I'm going to look for gold. I'm not rushing blindfold into the matter. I've studied it with the highest and the deepest authorities-and what do I learn? Native gold is found crystallised in the forms of the octahedron, the cube, and the dodecahedron, of which the cube is considered as the primary form. It also occurs in filiform, capillary, and arborescent shapes, as likewise in leaves or membranes, and rolled masses. It offers no indications of internal structure, but, on being separated by mechanical violence, exhibits a hackly fracture. Its colour comprises various shades of gold yellow. Its specific gravity varies from 14 8 to 19.2. It is commonly alloyed by copper, silver, and iron, in very small proportions. I mean, if I may say so, to unalloy it"; and, swinging the pick round his head with a dexterity that testified to natural aptitude combined with diligent practice, GRANDOLPH chipped a fragment out of the marble mantelpiece, and, picking it up, eagerly examined it, as if in search of a hackly fracture. I wished him good luck, and went back to the House, where I found BIDDULPH smiling behind SPEAKER's chair, watching ATKINSON illustrating the working of his Duration of Speeches Bill by ringing a muffin-bell, borrowed from a Constituent.

66

So HOME SECRETARY moved Second Reading. Mere formality, you know," he explained; shall refer Bill to Committee on Trade, and there it will be thrashed out and shaped." But floodgates once opened not easily shut. The Factories and Workshops mean the Working-Man; Working-Man has Vote; General Election not far off; must show "That evening bell!" Working-Man who's his true friend. Everybody his true friend. Speeches by the dozen: COMPTON, after long sitting in patient attitude at last caught SPEAKER's eye. "A milk-and-water Bill," he scornfully characterised HOME SECRETARY's measure.

"Ah! COMPTON knows what the Working-Man likes," said WILFRID LAWSON. A rum-and-milk Bill is more to his taste." LYON PLAYFAIR delivered one of his luminous Lectures; full of reference to "certifying surgeons," and "half-time children." "What's a half-time child?" I asked CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN. "Fancy it's one prematurely born," he whispered back. But really don't know; not on in this scene; ask MUNDELLA or pleeceman." LYON PLAYFAIR knew all about it and much else.

66

Played with him like a cat with a
mouse; drew him out into damag-
ing statements; then danced on
his prostrate body. About the
worst quarter of an hour CHAPLIN
ever had in House, with JOKEM on
one side of him, and OLD MORA-
LITY on other, tossing about on
Waiting for Opportunity.
their seats, exchanging groans and glances, while CHAPLIN mopped
the massive brow on which stood forth iridescent gleams of moisture.
"Meant it all for the best," said OLD MORALITY; "but who'd
have thought of Mr. G. being here? CHAPLIN's a great Minister of
Agriculture; but, when it comes to questions of finance, not quite
on a par with Mr. G." Business done.-House Counted Out.

CHAMBERS IN ST. JAMES'S STREET.

THE IDLER, by HADDON CHAMBERS, is a real good play, thoroughly interesting from the rising to the setting of the Curtain. The parts are artistically adjusted, the dialogue unforced, the acting un-stagey, and the situations powerfully dramatic. The climax is reached at the "psychological moment," and the Curtain descends upon all that a sympathetic audience can possibly desire to know of what must be once and for all the story of a life-time." The rest is silence." Throughout the play there is no parade of false sentimentality, no tawdry virtue, no copy-book morality, no vicious silliness; and, so well constructed is the plot, that there is no need of a wearisome extra Act, by way of postscript, to tell us how all the characters met again at the North Pole or Land's End; how everybody explained everything to everybody else; how the Idler, becoming a busy-body, married the widow of Sir John Harding, M.P., who had had the misfortune to be drowned out shrimping; and how many other matters happened for which the wearied audience would not care one snap of the finger and thumb. On another occasion I shall have something to say about the acting, which, as far as the men are concerned, has certainly not been equalled since the days of Peril. The St. James's is in for a good thing with The Idler; and at this moment I may say, I would be ALEXANDER were I not, briefly, DIOGENES "THE TUBMAN," B.C.L.

ACTING ON A SUGGESTION.-The Woman, always well informed, tells us on February 26, that, "owing to numerous applications," Mr. C. T. GREIN is negotiating for the Royalty Theatre, in order to give another Ibsenian performance. Now this is exactly what we suggested in our number for February 14. If the date suits, we will

we

seeing Ghosts, we will give a candid opinion on the performance of the piece which hitherto we know only in print. En attendant, we

shall have something to say about the recent performance of th

piece of Ibsenity A Doll's House-in our next.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?-On the recent occasion of the QUEEN'S visit to Portsmouth, no one of the officials seems to have been more on the alert and more generally alive than Mr. DEADMAN, the Chief Constructor of the Yard.

"EN ITERUM CRISPINUS!"-Hamlet on the real distinction between Theatres and Music Halls

"To B. (and S.) or not to B. (and S.) that is the question!" HAPPY PROSPECT.-The Wild Birds, if the Bill for their protection becomes law, will remember_the_Session_of 1891 as a year of PEASE and Quiet.

NOTICE. Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will

in no cece he returned not even when accomnanied hu a Stamned and

Addressed Ennalana

To thin onla

SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.
No. III.-THE BIOGRAPHER.

help inwardly wondering at the absurd vanity of the man-a mere nobody, away from the City!) "Between ourselves," says your interviewer, candidly, having possibly observed your expression, "I am by no means sure that I shall feel warranted in allotting WE will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to take Alderman MINCING as much space as I fear he will consider himself a further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy merchant, entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectable man, who has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the elegant leisure does not appeal to the popular imagination as others I could mention of a suburban villa-let us say at Norwood. You are in your do-he is just a little commonplace!" ("Shrewd fellow, this!" dining-room, examining the sky, and thinking that, if the weather you think to yourself" Got MINCING's measure!") But I holds up, you will take your big dog out should feel it an honour, indeed, if such a man as yourself, now, presently for a run before lunch, when you would give me all the personal information you think proper to are told that a gentleman is in the study make public, while, as a specimen of what Norwood can do in who wishes to see you "on particular busi- luxurious and artistic domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be ness." The very word excites you, not invaluable! I do trust that you will see your way to" (At unpleasantly, nor do you first, you suggest that you must talk it over with your Wife-but you care whether it is Church- presently see that if MINCING and men of that calibre are to be in warden's business, or the this, you cannot, for your own sake, hold aloof, and so your Visitor District Board, or the County soon has his note-book_out.) Any remarkable traits recorded of Council-it is enough that you as an infant, Mr. LANE? A strong aversion to porridge, and your experience and prac- an antipathy to black-beetles-both of which you still retain ? tical knowledge of affairs Thank you, very much. And are in request-and, better you were educated? At Dulstill, it will give you some-borough Grammar School? Just thing to do. So, after a so! Never took to Latin, or delay due to your own im- learned Greek ? Commercial portance, you march into aptitudes declaring themselves your study, and find a brisk thus early-curious, indeed! stranger, with red whiskers Entered your father's office as Became and a flexible mouth, ab- clerk ? a partner? sorbed in docu- Married your present ladyments which he when? In 1860? Exactly!has brought with and have offspring? Your

him in a black subsequent life comparatively bag. uneventful? That will do ad"I have the mirably infinitely obliged to pleasure of ad- you, I am sure. It would be dressing Mr. useless to ask you if you would MARK "Your Visitor has his Note-book out." LANE, care to have a copy of the work, I think ?" he when issued, forwarded to you ваув. "Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider myself -we can do it for you at the extremely fortunate in finding you at home, I assure you, and a very nominal sum of two very charming place you have here-abundant evidence of a refined guineas, if paid in advanceand cultivated mind, excellent selection of our best-known writers, a gratifying possession for your everything, if I may say so, elegant in the extreme-as was to be children after you have gone, expected! Even from the cursory glimpse I have had, I can see Mr. LANE! I that your interior would lend itself admirably to picturesque des- may put you cription-which brings me to the object of my visit. I have called down? Thank upon you, Mr. LANE, in the hope of eliciting your sympathy and you. For two patronage for a work I am now compiling-a work which will, I copies?" (On am confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your wide culture second thoughts, and interest in literary matters." (Here you will look as judicial as you do order two you can, and harden your heart in advance against a new Ency-copies; you can clopædia, or an illustrated edition of SHAKSPEARE's works.) "The send one out to work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled, Notable Nonentities of your married Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here you will nod gravely, rather taken by the title.) "It will be published very shortly, by subscription, Mr. LANE, in two handsome quarto volumes, got up in the most sumptuous style. It is a work which has been long wanted, and which, I venture to predict, will be very widely read. It is my ambition to make it a complete biographical compendium of every living celebrity of note residing at Norwood at the present date. It will be embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirely new process upon India and Japanese paper; everything -type, ink, paper, binding, will be of the best procurable; the publishers being determined to spare no expense in making it a book of reference superior to anything of the kind previously attempted!" (As he pauses for breath, you will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such a work, as he contemplates, will be an excellent thing-but that, for your own part, you can dispense with any information respecting the Notabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will excuse you)

66

NOTABLE

NONENTITIES

AT NORWOOD & ITS

NEIGHBOURHOOD

JBP/

Sister in Austra-
lia-it will amuse
her.) "One, two,
three, four gui-
neas-quite cor-
rect, Mr. LANE,
and you shall have an early opportunity of revising a proof, and we
will send down a competent artist, in a day or two, to take the pho-
tographs. Quite an agreeable change in the weather, is it not?
Good day!"

"You may have to wait."

He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the photographer, and the appearance of that great work, Notable Nonentities of Norwood, and it is not at all unlikely that you may have to wait a considerable time.

Iago on the Great Sermon Question.
GOOD name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public,
Is the immediate jewel of their souls.

Who steals my sermon, steals trash; 'tis something, nothing;
'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by dozens;

But he who" splits" on me as plagiarist,

Robs me of that which is no good to him,
And leaves me poor-in credit.

Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my object. I should not dream of expecting you to subscribe to such a work. But, in my capacity of compiler, I naturally desire to leave nothing undone that care and research can effect to render the work complete -and it would be incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference to so distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("Oh, pooh-nonsense!" You will say at this-but you will sit down again.) "Norwood is a singularly favoured locality, Sir; its charms have induced many of our foremost men to select it for their rus in urbe. Why, in in this very road-May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted WHEREVER WE WANDER," &c.-A new book of advice for with Alderman MINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good | intending Travellers has recently been published, entitled, "Where enough to furnish me with many interesting details of his personal to Stay." It is both ornamental and useful; but so much depends career, a photo-gravured portrait of him will be included, with on ways and means, that, after careful consideration, Mr. Punch, views of the interior and exterior of The Druggeries,' and a bit when asked "Where to Stay," considers the safest answer will from the back-garden." (You do know MINCING-and you cannot always be," At home."