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fast, a railway indignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sure to go with bowls not to say shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in founding Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement is the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can be tolerated in a mourning coach.
August.-On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 British slaves were freed. You might ask satirically, how many slaves (be they husbands or be they wives) now exist? You might offer this to a clergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the break ing-up of an infant school) that on account of the extremely warm reception to which the French were welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be appropriately called, “the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy."
This will be found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home -1991
on furlough, and an Honorary Royal Academician living in retirement.
September.-On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences. Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns without loading, killing dead birds, &c., &c. On the 3rd, the present Lord Chancellor born in 1825—the name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-bury, A little obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply repay time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS (who may be amusingly called "Watts-his-name"), died in 1869. Not much in this, but may possibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, or the arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's initial hospitality at five o'clock tea.
October.-FIELDING, the novelist, bowled out on the 8th in 1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th-an awful example to habitual drunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story about the
Cockney who, dropping his "h's,” shot peasants instead ! THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.
This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians
who have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush. January. If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN November.-Good was created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although joke still to be made the Opposition tried to hinder her from assuming the title. Work in the quieter subthis out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't urbs about having be given away if only lent. This entertaining quibble (suitable to special appointfive o'clock teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note ments for the 5th, the colours of the Universities, and bring in somehow "à fit of the when one has to také blues.” On the 13th Pitt died, on the 14th Fox was born. First the chair at a meetdate suggestive of Pitt, the second of pity. Good joke for the ing which perambuMidlands. Pat it down to SHERIDAN.
lates the streets. February. -- On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's Lord Mayor's Day festival. Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire, on the 9th-opporThis said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical tunity, for letting luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary off“ the Mayor the missive, say it is less suggestive of Valentine than Orson. This merrier,” “ £10,000 capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they a Mayor's Nest laugh until the end of the month.
egg,” &c., &c. Jests March.-Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. about the fog not If you take care to pronounce the victory A-book-er, you may pos- now popular — the sibly get a jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on infliction too the turf, when you can call it "the defeat of A-book-er.” Good at serious for jocua hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can larity ! observe" 1801 ?-the year of my birth!”
December.-HoliApril.–Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be day time for every“All Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who one, inclusive of reads the Times,
that most melanMay.—You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a naughty choly of persons "the date. If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and funny man.” Bob explain that you meant a“ Connaughty date, for it is Prince ARTHUR'S LOWE (born in 1811) Birthday.” The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint reaches the age of ALWAYS ENTERTAINING; conceit a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GrIsI the eighty, and the celebrated songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles Grand' Old Man Or, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNBY) Grain 0! from London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps (born in 1809) eighty-two! With this ingenious quibble the Amusing venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being Rattle can wish himself a Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the like "lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not world a Happy New Year. expect any
one to laugh. June. The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and APPROPRIATE.—Sir,–Was there ever a more appropriate Christthere in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's mas legal case than 'appeared in the Times Law Report, December Counsel
. This will be the more valuable, as the “ remarkable days” 20th, and which was entitled “ The Mayor. &c. of Bootle-cumare few and far between, according to WHITAKER.
Linacre v. The Justices of Lancashire ?” What delightful names July.- Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it for a comic chorus to a Bab
Ballad in a Pantomime. is also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce the victory “sad-hour” you should get a jest calculated to cause
Solo. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor merriment amongst persons who have spent the best years of their
Chorus. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee; lives on desert islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On
Solo. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare, the 24th the Window Tax was abolished, of which you may say that
Chorus. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee. although a priceless boon it was only a light relief. If you can only Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be introduce this really clever bon mot into a speech at a wedding break- serviceable at Musio Halls and “places where they sing.” NOTICE.- Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether M8., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no caso be returned, not even whon accompanied by a Stamped aed Addrossed Envolopo, Cover, or Wrappor. To this role there will be no exception.
on the ocean, but, like other pitchers, he went to_the bad once too MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
often, and got broken on the rocks. Then came KANE WADR, and No. X.-THE FONDMAN.
CHALSE, and MYLCHREEST, and they sang hymns to him.
"Ye've not lived a right life," said one.. "Now, by me sowl, (By CALLED ABEL, Author of " The Teamster.”)
ye've got to die,” sang another. "" All flesh is as grass," roared a [The eminent Author writes to us as follows :—“How's this for a Saga ? third. Suddenly Fason stood beside his bedside.
This," he Do you know what a Saga is? Nor do I, but this is one in spite of what thought, “is my father. I must kill him." But he restrained anybody may say. History be blowed! Who cares about history? Mix up himself by a superhuman effortmand that was the end of ORRORS. your dates and your incidents, and fill up with any amount of simple human
THE BOOK OF MICHAEL MOONKEY8. passions. Then you'll get a Saga! After that you can write a Proem and an Epilogue. They must have absolutely nothing to do with the story, but
CHAPTER III. you can put in some Northern legends, and a talo about MAHOMBT (by the way, I've written a play about him) which are bound to tell, though, of both Homerio, and both fell in love with GREEBA, who flirted out
MICHAEL and Fason were both the sons of ORRORS. They were course, you were not bound to tell them. Ha, ha ! who talked about thunder: rageously with both. These coincidences are absolutely essential in heartless Governors, and wicked brothers ? Read on, my bonny boy. 'Vous a tale of simple haman passions. But, to be short, GREEBA married m'en direz des nouvelles, but don't call this a novel. It's a right-down MICHAEL, who had become First President of the second Icelandio regular Saga.”—C. A.)
Republic. Thus 1 GREEBA and MICHAEL were at Reykjavik. FASON THE BOOK OF STIFFUN ORRORS.
followed, spurred by a blind feeling of revenge. About this time
Mrs. FATSISTER took a dislike to her husband.
Crinkum, crankum!” she said, "you'd have me toil and moil STIFFUR ORRORS was a gigantic fair-haired man, whose muscles while you pat yoar nose at the fire.' were like the great gnarled round heads of a beech-tree. When a “RUTA," said ADAM. man possesses that particular shape of muscle be is sure to be a
Hoity toity !” cried she. “The house is mine., Away with hard nut to crack. And 80
you !” so poor old ADAM also poor PATRICKSEN found him,
set ont for Reykjavik, and the merely getting his own wretched
boatmen cried after him, “Dy baok broken for his trouble.
banne jee oo!” and he immeGORGON GORGONSEN was Go
jeeooed, as you shall hear. vernor of Iceland, and lived at
Last, GREEBA's six brothers Reykjavik, the capital, which
packed up, and left for Reykjawas not only little and hungry,
vik; and now that we have but was also a creeping settle
got all our characters safely ment with a face turned to
there, or on the way, we can America. It was a poor lame
get on with the story. It may place, with its wooden feet in
be mentioned, however, that the sea. Altogether a strange
Mrs. ADAM found a fever in a capital. In the month of Althing
neglected cattle-trough. Being GORGON took his daughter to
a grasping woman, she caught Thingammy-vellir, where there
it, and took it home-and it were wrestling matches. It
killed her. came to the turn of PATRICKSEN and STIFFUN. STIFFUN took him
CHAPTER IV. with one arm; then, curling one
RED FASON meant to kill leg round his head and winding
MICHAEL. That was plain. So the other round his waist, he
he was tried by a Bishop and planted his head in his chest,
nine of his neighbours an hour and crushing his ribs with one
or so after the attempt. And band he gave a mighty heave,
although the time was so short, and clasping the ground, as
all the witnesses had been colwith the hoofs of an ox, he
lected, and all formalities comflung him some two hundred
pleted. And Fason was dumb, yards away, and went and
but great of heart, and the married RACHEL the Governor's
Bishop condemned him to the daughter. That night he broke
sulphur-mines, for which he PATRICKSEN's back, as if he had
soon afterwards started with his been a stick of sugar-oandy.
long stride, and his shorn head, After this he took his wife home,
and his pallid face. Upon this and often beat her, or set his
the six brothers of GREEBA mother on her. But one_day she happened to mention Par. The Characters Personally-Conducted by the Author to Reykjavik.
arrived, spread calumnies, and were believed.
Their names RICKSEN, so he fled, cowed, humiliated, cap in hand, to Manxland, , were ASHER, JACOB, JOHN, THURSTAN, STEAN, and Ross, but they bat left to her her child, her liberator, her Fason, 80 that she preferred addressing one another a8 JOBBERNOWL, WASTREL, might span her little world of shame and pain on the bridge of GOMERSTANG, BLUBBERHEAD, NUMSKULL, and BLATHERSKITE. It Hope's own rainbow. She did this every day, and no one in all saved time, and made things pleasant all round. MICHAEL quarrelled Iceland, rugged, hungry, oold Iceland, know how she did it. It with his wife, and there is no knowing what might have happened, was a pretty trick.
if GORGON GORGONSEN, at the head of some Danish soldiers, had
not upset the Republic, and banished MICHAEL to the sulphurCHAPTER II.
mines to join his brother. This is the Isle of Man, the island of Matt MYLCHREEST, and
THE BOOK OF RED FASON.
CHAPTER V. lived Adam FATSISTER, the Deputy Governor, who had been selected POOR ADAM arrived too late, yet he has his use in the tale, for for that post because he owned five hundred hungry acres, six his words to GORGON GORGONBEN were bitter words, such as the hungrier sons, a face like an angel's in homespan, a facoid figure, cruel old Governor liked not. And he harried him, and worried and a shrewd-faced wife, named RUTH. Hither came STIFFUN, to him, but without avail, for in Reykjavik money was justice, and beg shelter. The footman opened the door to him, but would have ADAM had spent his. What availed it that a grey silt should come closed it had not ADAM, with a lusty old oath, bidden him to let the up out of the deposits of his memory P That was a totally unman in. Hereupon STIFFUN's face softened, and the footman's marketable commodity, in Reykjavik, as Adam found to his cost, dropped; but ORRORS, with an Icelander's inborn courtesy, picked it and in the end intending to shoot MICHAEL they shot Fason. And up, dusted it, and returned it to its owner. Shortly afterwards, yet it is perfectly certain that the next chapter of this Saga, had STIFFUN became a bigamist and a wrecker, and had another son, there been a next, would have found all the characters once more in wbom, in bonour of the Manxland Parliament, he christened the Isle of Man. For nothing is more surely established than this : MICHAEL MOONKEYB, and left him to be cared for by old Adam, that a good or a bad) Icelander, when he dies (or lives), goes always whose danghter's name was GREEBA. STIFFUN, as I have said, was to the Isle of Man, and every self-respecting Manxman returns the a wrecker, a wrecker on strictly Homerio principles, but a wrecker, compliment by going to Iceland. And thus are sagas constructed. nevertheless. When storm-winds blew, he was a pitcher and tosser And this is the End.
LAUNCE IN LONDON.
Enter Launce with his dog. Launce. When a poor man's our shall cost him some thirteen shillings and sixpence within the year, look you, it goes hard; one that I brought up as a puppy; one of a mongrel litter that I saved from drowning, when three or four of his blind, breedless brothers and sisters went to it. Verily I will write to the Standard thereanent. Item-muzzle, two shillings; item-collar, under now order, two shillings and sixpence; item-engraving collar, under new order, one shilling and sixpence; item - licence, seven shillings and sixpence; total, thirteen sbillings and sixpence, as aforesaid. Truly a poor man feeleth an amount like this, and hath to deny himself some necessary to preserve his affectionate companion, to wit, his dog. I have taught him, even as one would say, precisely, thus would I teach a dog." O'tis a foul thing when a dog cannot keep himself in all companies, but must grub for garbage in the gutter, and yap at constables' kibes! I would have, as one should say, one that takes upon himself to be a dog indeed, to be, as “A POOR MAN FEELS AN AMOUNT LIKE THIS, AND HAS TO DENY AIMSELF SOME it were, a dog at all things. And art thou so, Crab: NECESSARY TO PRESERVE HIS AFTECTIONATE COMPANION, THE Dod." But verily 'tis I who have taught theo, that have also to pay for thee; and, whether thou art holly worth the cost, concerns not thee, but thy master. Thou hast of late many enemies in seats of office, and elsewhere; ministers, and soribes, and feeble folk in fidgety fear of hypothetioal hydrophoby. “Out with the dog !” sive one. “That our looks mad I” says another; "Muzzle him!”
says the third. “Knook me him on the head with a constable's staff !”
cries the fourth; "Give him euthanasia at the Dog's Home!" suggests “It's too ridiculous !” exclaimed the Auditor, bursting into a a fifth, with more sensibility; “Tax him, collar him, badge him, make little laugh. “I declare a Hektograph would be as useful for the his owner pay roundly for him!” saith the Minister of Agriculture. children as this thing !” And they, between them, make me no more ado than whip me “Would it ?" asked the White Knight. “Does a Hektograph thirteen and six out of my pinched pooket to pay thee out of danger. work well ? Then we'll get one or two-several.” How many masters would do this for their servant ?. Nay, I'll be “And I notice," the Auditor went on, “that there is a thing sworn I have paid the fines inflicted by austere Magistrates, when called a Cyclostyle pụt down in the accounts. Please will you tell thou, Crab, hast surreptitiously slipped thy muzzle, otherwise me what a Cyclostyle is, and what use it is for purposes of elementary thou hadst been executed; I have “tipped" angry constables when education ?" thou hast stolen out not “under control,” otherwise thou hadst “With pleasure,” replied the White Knight, who seemed quite suffered for 't: thou thinkest not of this now! Nay, I remember cheerful again ; "it's an apparatus for catching cycles, if any the trick thou servedst me anigh the end of the year, when I had'so should take to going round and round the room when the children far successfully dodged the Dog Tax for that season : did I not bid are at their lessons. It does it in style, you see. thee still mark me, and keep out of sight when the rate-collector “But," said the Auditor, it's not very likely that any cyclists called? When didst thou see me rush headlong upstairs and make would care to wheel their machines into a Board School, is it?" madly for the collector's calves ? Didst thou ever see me do such a “Not very likely, I daresay," the Knight answered, eagerly; fool's trick ?
"but, if any do come, I don't intend that we shall be (without a machine for catobing them quickly. And the plan is my own
invention !' AUDITORS IN WONDERLAND.
“I should suppose it was," the Auditor observed. “I am sorry to “If you please,” said the Auditor of the Tottenham School Board be obliged to disallow the costs of all these inventions, but the rateaoconnts, “would you explain to me what that curious thing is that payers must not be forced to pay for fads; and, as you take such you have got in your hand p"
an interest in them, I'am sure you won't mind paying for them "With pleasure," replied the White Knight, who had recently yourself. Good-day!” been elected as a Member of the Board. “It's a Tellurium.”
“I see that it cost the ratepayers four pounds to buy. What is the use of it?"
"Use P” said the White Knight, in mild surprise. “Oh, it's a most useful thing. A child who can't think of the right answer to a question about the stars, only has to put this thing on its head
(BORN, JANUARY, 1822. DIBD, DECEMBER 26, 1890 ) at Examination time, you know-and it at once remembers all about HELEN, who fired the topmost towers of Troy, it. It's got Electricity or something inside it. And the shape is my Should spare a smile for the North-German boy, own invention."
Who, from a sketch of Iliam aflame, " “That's why it's called'a Tellurium, then,” remarked the Auditor, Was fired with zeal which led so straight to fame. who could hardly help laughing, it all seemed so strange; “becanse, 'Twas a far cry from that small grocer's shop when they put it on, the children tell you the answer you want?” To Priam's city; but will distance stop “Yes; and WILLIAM TELL put an apple on his head, or on some- Genins, which
scorns to fear or play the laggard ? body else's head, and I thought the name would remind the children “The World's Desire" (as HELEN's called by HAGGARD) of that fact.”
Might well have crowned on Ilium's windy_cope, "Then the school must win an increased Government Grant, with This patient follower-up of “The Heart's Hope !" this thing to help them,” said the Auditor.
“Well," said the Knight, more despondently, "they have hardly had time to try it yet. In fact," he added, still more gloomily, SHOW OF THE OLD MASTERS AT BURLINGTON HOUSE.-This their teachers won't let them try it. But it's
really an admirable Exhibition opened last Satarday. It was such a peasoupy day that idea, if it could be tried." And the White Knight fastened the the Artiest of our Fine Arts Critics couldn't get there. Old carious object on his own head, whence it immediately fell with a Masters, indeed! it was a good Old Foggy that prevented him from crash upon the floor.
being in his place (and he knows his' place too) on that occasion.