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fast, a railway indignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sure to go with bowls not to say shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in founding Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement is the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can be tolerated in a mourning coach.
August.-On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 British slaves were freed. You might ask satirically, how many slaves (be they husbands or be they wives) now exist? You might offer this to a clergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the break ing-up of an infant school) that on account of the extremely warm reception to which the French were welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be appro
priately called, “the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy." 1891
This will be found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home on furlough, and an Honorary Royal Academician living in retirement.
September.-On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences. Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns without loading, killing dead birds, &c., &c. On the 3rd, the present Lord Chancellor born in 1825—the name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-bury, A little obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply repay time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS (who may be amusingly called “Watts-his-name"), died in 1869. Not much in this, but may possibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, or the arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's initial hospitality at five o'clock tea.
October. – FIELDING, the novelist, bowled out on the 8th in 1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th-an awful example to habitual drunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story about the
Cockney who, dropping his “h's,” shot peasants instead ! THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.
This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians
who have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush.
one has to take
lates the streets.
egg,” &c., &c. Jests
that most melanMay. You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a naughty choly of person8"the date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and funny man.” Bob explain that you meant a“ Connaughty date, for it is Prince ARTHUR'S LOWE (born in 1811) Birthday.” The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint reaches the age of ALWAYS ENTERTAINING; conceit & right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GrIsI the eighty, and the celebrated songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles Grand Old Man Or, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNBY) Grain ! from London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps (born in 1809) eighty-two! With this ingenious quibble the Amusing venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being Rattle can wish himself a Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the like “lubricated lightning” for evident reasons, but you must not world a Happy New Year. expect any
one to laugh. June. The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and APPROPRIATE.—Sir,-Was there ever a more appropriate Christthere in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's mas legal case than appeared in the Times Law Report, December Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days” 20th, and which was entitled “The Mayor. &c. of Bootle-cumare few and far between, according to WHITAKER.
Linacre v. The Justices of Lancashire ?" What delightful names July.--Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it for a comic chorus to a Bab Ballad in a Pantomime. is also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce the victory “sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause
Solo. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor merriment amongst persons who have spent the best years of their
Chorus. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee; lives on desert islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On
Solo. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare, the 24th the Window Tax was abolished, of which you may say that
Chorus. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee. although a priceless boon it was only a light relief. If you can only Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be introduce this really clever bon mot into a speech at a wedding break- serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing."
NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or contributions, whether M8., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no caso be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Buvolopo, Cover, or Wrappor. To this rulo
JANUARY 10, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
13 on the ocean, but, like other pitchers, he went to the bad once too MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
often, and got broken on the rocks. Then came KANE WADE, and No, X.-THE FONDMAN.
CHALSE, and MYLCHREEST, and they sang hymns to him.
"Yo've not lived a right life," said one. 'Now, by me sowl, (By CALLED ABEL, Author of " The Teamster.”)
ye've got to die,” sang another. All flesh is as grass," roared á
THE BOOK OF MICHAEL MOONKEY8.
MICHAEL and Fason were both the sons of ORRORS. They were
with both. These coincidences are absolutely essential in
Republic. Thus (GREEBA and MICHAEL were at Reykjavik. FASON
followed, spurred by a blind feeling of revenge. About this time
Mrs. FATSISTER took a dislike to her husband.
Crinkum, crankum !” she said, “you 'd have me toil and moil
you !” So poor old Adam also poor PATRICKSEN found him,
set out for Reykjavik, and the merely getting his own wretched
boatmen oried after him, “ Dy baok broken for his trouble.
banne jee oo!” and he immeGORGON GORGONSEN was Go
diately jeeooed, as you shall hear. vernor of Iceland, and lived at
Last, GREEBA's six brothers Reykjavik, the capital, which
paoked up, and left for Reykjawas not only little and hungry,
vik; and now that we have but was also a creeping settle
got all our characters safely ment with a face turned to
there, or on the way, we can America. It was a poor lame
get on with the story. It may place, with its wooden feet in
be mentioned, however, that the sea. Altogether a strange
Mrs. Adam found a fever in a capital. In the month of Althing
neglected cattle-trough. Being GORGON took his daughter to
a grasping woman, she caught Thingummy-vellir, where there
it, and took it home and it were wrestling matches. It
RED FASON meant to kill leg round his head and winding
MICHAEL. That was plain. So the other round his waist, he
he was tried by a Bishop and planted his head in his chest,
nine of his neighbours an hour and crushing his ribs with one
or so after the attempt. And band he gave a mighty heave,
although the time was so short, and clasping the ground, as
all the witnesses had been colwith the hoofs of an ox, he
lected, and all formalities oomflung him some two hundred
pleted. And Fason was dumb, yards away, and went and
but great of heart, and the married RACHEL the Governor's
Bishop condemned him to the daughter. That night he broke
sulphur-mines, for which he PATRICKSEN's back, as if he had
soon afterwards started with his been a stick of sugar-candy.
long stride, and his shorn head, After this he took his wife home,
and his pallid face. Upon this and often beat her, or set his
the six brothers of GREEBA mother on her. But one day
arrived, spread calumnies, and The Characters Personally-Conducted by the Author to Reykjavik. she happened to mention Par
were believed. Their names BICKSEN, 80 he fed, cowed, humiliated, cap in hand, to Manxland, , were ASHER, JACOB, JOHN, THURSTAN, STEAN, and Ross, but they but left to her her child, her liberator, her Fason, 80 that she preferred addressing one another as JOBBERNOWL, WASTREL, might span her little world of shame and pain on the bridge of GOMERSTANG, BLUBBERHEAD, NUMSKULL, and BLATHERSKITE. It Hope's own rainbow. She did this every day, and no one in all saved time, and made things pleasant all round. MICHAEL quarrelled Iceland, rugged, hungry, cold Iceland, knew how she did it. It with his wife, and there is no knowing what might have happened, was a pretty trick.
if GORGON GORGONSEN, at the head of some Danish soldiers, had
not upset the Republic, and banished MICHAEL to the sulphurCHAPTER II.
mines to join his brother.
THE BOOK OF RED FASON.
LAUNCE IN LONDON.
Enter Launce with his dog. Launce. When a poor man's our shall cost him some thirteen shillings and sixpence within the year, look you, it goes hard; one that I brought up as a puppy; one of a mongrel litter that I saved from drowning, when three or four of his blind, breedless brothers and sisters went to it. Verily I will write to the Standard thereanent. Item-muzzle, two shillings; item-collar, under new order, two shillings and sixpenoe; item-engraving collar, under new order, one shilling and sixpence; item - licence, seven shillings and sixpence; total, thirteen shillings and sixpence, as aforesaid. Truly a poor man feeleth an amount like this, and hath to deny himself some necessary to preserve his affectionate companion, to wit, his dog. “I have taught him, even as one would say, precisely, “thus would I teach a dog." O'tis a foul thing when a dog cannot keep himself in all companies, but must grub for garbage in the gutter, and yap at constables' kibes! I would have, as one should say, one that takes upon himself to be a dog indeed, to be, as "A Poor MAN TEELS AN AMOUNT LIKE THIS, AND HAS TO DENY AIMSELF SOME it were, a dog at all things. And art thou so, Crab! NECESSARY TO PRESERVE HIS AFTEOTIONATE COMPANION, THE Dog." But verily 'tis I who have taught theo, that have also to pay for thee; and, whether thou art wholly worth the cost, concerns not thee, but thy master. Thou hast of late mapy enemies in seats of office, and elsewhere ; ministers, and scribes, and feeble folk in idgety fear of hypothetical hydrophoby. “Out with the dog !” sive one. “That our looks mad !” says another; "Mazzle him!” says the third. “Knook me him on the head with a constable's staff !”
cries the fourth; "Give him euthanasia at the Dog's Home!” suggests “It's too ridiculous !” exclaimed the Auditor, bursting into a a fifth, with more sensibility; "Tax him, collar him, badge him, make little laugh. “I declare a Hektograph would be as useful for the his owner pay roundly for him!” saith the Minister of Agriculture. children as this thing !.” And they, between them, make me no more ado than whip me “Would it P” asked the White Knight. “Does a Hektograph thirteen and six out of my pinched pocket to pay thee out of danger. work well ? Then we'll get one or two-several.”. How many masters would do this for their servant ? Nay, I'll be “And I notice," the Auditor went on, “that there is a thing sworn I have paid the fines inflicted by austere Magistrates, when called a Cyclostyle pat down in the accounts. Please will you tell thon, Crab, hast surreptitiously slipped thy muzzle, otherwise me what a Cyclostyle is, and what use it is for purposes of elementary thou hadst been executed; I have “tipped” angry constables when education ?". thou hast stolen out not “under control,” otherwise_thou hadst “With pleasure," replied the White Knight, who seemed quite suffered for 't: thon thinkest not of this now! Nay, I remember cheerful again ; "it's an apparatus for catching cycles, if any the trick thou servedst me anigh the end of the year, when I had'so should take to going round and round the room when the children far successfully dodged the Dog Tax for that season: did I not bid are at their lessons. It does it in style, you see.”. thee still mark me, and keep out of sight when the rate-collector “But,” said the Auditor, it's not very likely that any cyclists oalled? When didst thou see me rush headlong upstairs and make would care to wheel their machines into a Board School, is it?" madly for the collector's calves ? Didst thou ever see me do such a “Not very likely, I daresay," the Knight answered, eagerly; fool's trick ?
"but, if any do come, I don't intend that we shall be iwithout a machine for catohing them quickly. And the plan is my own
invention !" AUDITORS IN WONDERLAND.
“I should suppose it was," the Auditor observed. "I am sorry to "If you please,” said the Auditor of the Tottenham School Board be obliged to disallow the costs of all these inventions, but the rateaccounts, “would you explain to me what that curious thing is that payers must not be foroed to pay for fads; and, as you take such you have got in your hand p”
an interest in them, I'am sure you won't mind paying for them "With pleasure," replied the White Knight, who had recently yourself. Good-day!” been elected as a Member of the Board. “It's a Tellurium.”
“I see that it cost the ratepayers four pounds to buy. What is the rise of it?"
"USOP" said the White Knight, in mild surprise. “Oh, it's a most useful thing. A child who can't think of the right answer to a question about the stars, only has to put this thing on its head
(BORN, JANUARY, 1822. DIBD, DECEMBER 26, 1890 ) at Examination time, you know and it at once remembers all about HELEN, who fired the topmost towers of Troy, it. It's got Electricity or something inside it. And the shape is my Should spare a smile for the North-German boy, own invention."
Who, from a sketch of Ilium aflame, “That's why it's called'a Tellurium, then,” remarked the Auditor, Was fired with zeal which led so straight to fame. who could hardly help laughing, it all seemed so strange ; “ because, 'Twas a far cry from that small grocer's shop when they put it on, the children tell you the answer you want ?” To Priam's city; but will distance stop “Yes; and WILLIAM TELL put an apple on his head, or on some- Genins, which
scorns to fear or play the laggard ! body else's head, and I thought the name would remind the children “The World's Desire" (as HELEN's called by HAGGARD) of that fact.”
Might well have crowned on Ilium's windy_cope, “Then the school must win an increased Government Grant, with This patient follower-up of “The Heart's Hope ?” this thing to help them,” said the Auditor.
“Well," said the Knight, more despondently, "they have hardly had time to try it yet. In fact,” he added, still more gloomily, SHOW OF THE OLD MASTERS AT BURLINGTON HOUSE.-This “their teachers won't let them try it. But it's
really an admirable Exhibition opened last Satarday. It was such a peasoupy day that idee, if it could be tried." And the White Knight fastened the the Artiest of our Fine Arts Critics couldn't get there. Old curious object on his own head, whence it immediately fell with a Masters, indeed ! it was a good Old Foggy that prevented him from crash upon the floor.
being in his place (and he knows his place too) on that occasion.