PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-MARCH 14, 1891. "ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!" BRITISH LION. "BRAVO, BOYS!-SWING TOGETHER!!" A WILD WELCOME. FEBRUARY's reign of gloom Out of mind and sight is, The new season's suiting. Long it is since sparrows shrill With their chirping woke us; There is one with busy bill Worrying a crocus. How they love the flow'r of springNever can resist it; What a graceful little thing Bother, I have miss'd it! Now the wind along the plain There, my hat is off again! For thy bounty's measure- Forty hats, with pleasure. KENSINGTON CARDENS SMALL TALK. From the Railway Improvement Phrase-Book. THAT Nursery-maid with the three children and the perambulator will certainly get run over by the train if she stands there gossiping with the man in the signal-box. That is the nineteenth horse that has run away and thrown its rider this morning, frightened by the smoke of the passing engine. So it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the Gardens, and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm that has taken the contract for the making of the new line. Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching right across the Gardens, relieved by overseers' moveable hatch-houses, puffing steam-cranes, and processions of mudcarts, rather interfere with the beauty and tranquillity of the place, but one must really bear in mind that it is, after all, only to last for five years. Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fowl under that luggage-train. It is true, the Gardens are ruined, but one must not forget the inestimable advantage to the shareholders of the public being able to get from Paddington to Chelsea in a tunnel for twopence. QUERY FOR NEXT ELECTION.-No man has a vote until he has attained his majority. How about some districts where they are nearly all Miners? MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME INTO DINNER. (By a Dinner-Belle.) No. II.-DON JUAN SENIOR. To share with men the prandial gloom Professors dull-of Hindostani! The jauntiest Rake who drinks the waters, He gossiped how the Viscount bets (Some heiress he must really "pick up "), How noble dames smoke cigarettes And noble heels in ballets kick up. How "H.R.H."-n'importe ! my friend Experience shows me that the laches Of such as air these letters tend In the direction of their "H"'s. He chatted next of German Spas, Of Continental, English "P.B.'s," And how our matchmaking Mammas Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes, How he with Royalties had graced The latest function-genial patronsWhile Beauty, perched on barrows, raced Before the virtuous British matrons. And then his compliments began To rain like drops of Frangipanni, A most insinuating man He was, this ancient DON GIOVANNI. You felt, if you could half believe, You'd but to word a whim to find it, You quite forgot he owned a sleeve, And several teeth to laugh behind it. Time scatters dalliance, joy, and joke; Your choicest vintage passes; e'en your MRS. MALAPROP is much puzzled at the announcement that it is proposed to construct a new Tubercular Railway between England and France. SONGS BY A CYNIC. LOVE. WHAT's Love, and all that Love can bring, What tender words she used to sing, You loved her for her hair of gold, REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER. I REVELLED at the Albert Hall, which last week was given up to a festival called "The Coming Race." I was there at the opening on Thursday, the 5th, when Princess BEATRICE, attended by her husband, Prince HENRY of Battenberg, declared the Bazaar open. A gay and festive scene. Here, there, and everywhere, Egyptian houses made of cardboard, containing stalls full of the most useful articles imaginable. On the daïs, a number of sweet-faced ladies presenting purses (containing £3 38. and upwards) to the Princess, who received them with an affability which won the hearts of all beholders. On the floor of the building was a gailydressed throng, which included many a distinguished person. The revelry continued for three days, and was, I trust, the means of obtaining funds for a charity which, no doubt, is most deserving of support. And here, I may say, I revelled so much at the Albert Hall, that I had no desire to revel anywhere else. FÊTE OR FATE? OR, HOPPERS IN COVENT GARDEN, MARCH 4TH. England's mashers, Afric's dark sons- Rooms, and singing for their supper. SOMETHING MARVELLOUS IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.-Revival of Charles the First!!! (at the Lyceum). MR. JONATHAN AND MISS CANADA. "My race is my fortune, Sir," she said. GIVING A LODGER NOTICE TO QUIT. Mr. Punch, Perpetual Universal Grand Past, Present, and Future Master, congratulates H.R.H., Grand Master of English Freemasons, on his plucky and straightforward action with regard to the G. M. of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who, having contravened the resolution of Grand Lodge, March 6, 1878, may now exclaim, in bitterness of spirit, "O for a Lodge in some great Wilderness!" ". for," says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the once frequently quoted Somebody observed to a person whose name was not Dr. FERGUSON, "you don't lodge here!" ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, March 2.-Navy Estimates on to-night. Millions of money to be voted, and only fourteen Members present. One, it is true, is HARCOURT; 80 perhaps the most accurate enumeration of the aggregate would be fifteen. "Que diable allait-il faire dans ce jolly-boat ?" GEORGE HAMILTON asks, pausing for a moment in his incessant occupation of tearing up strips of paper to glance across table at portly figure reclining on Front Opposition Bench. Several Admirals and Captains have spoken. Members generally have fled the burning deck. Even OLD MORALITY's sense of duty to his Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight; but CASABIANCA HARCOURT still remains. A little provoking for the Old Salts descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pitying toleration with which he listens. Doesn't say they're all wrong, but smiles it. Even the voice of the Reverberating COLOMB falters when, glancing round the great gaps of empty Benches opposite, his eye falls on HARCOURT. "Sir, I repeat," he said, quite angrily, though no one had contradicted him," that during the period that has elapsed since commencement of the present reign, the revenue of the United Kingdom has increased only one-and-a-half times, while that of the outlying Empire has multiplied five-fold." General admission that HARCOURT is a master in nearly every department of human knowledge. Up to to-night fondly thought that at least he knew nothing about the Navy. But he does; knows more than Admiral FIELD, or Admiral MAYNE, or even Colonel GOURLEY. Presently rose and delivered slashing speech, laying low the Reverberating COLOMB as if he had been set up in the Place Vendôme; reviewing the British Fleet in masterly style; nimbly running up the mainmast and sighting Jerusalem and Madagascar, to the absolute confounding of the First Lord of the Admiralty. HOWORTH knows a thing or two, and HANBURY isn't lacking in accomplishment; but for versatility, for profundity of knowledge, for readiness of grasp, whether the object be a lawyer's brief, a Chancellor of the Exchequer's ledger, the hilt of a sword, or the tiller of a ship, give me HARCOURT." Business done.-Committee on the Navy Estimates. Tuesday.-WOLMER asked OLD MOBALITY what about the Fog? Couldn't something be done to lighten it, say by appointment of Royal Commission? OLD MORALITY beamed across House upon his young friend with expression of almost paternal solicitude. WOLMER is Whip of the allied force. What did he mean by suddenly springing this question on the First Lord of the Treasury? Was there more in it than met the eye? Had it something to do, however obscurely, with the maintenance of the Union ? CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench opposite, staring straight into space with Sphynx-like countenance. HARTINGTON, with hat cunningly tipped over eyes, hid what secret may have lain far in their pellucid depths. HENRY JAMES became suddenly absorbed in the brown gaiters he has recently added to the graces of his personal appearance, in pathetic admission that the natural charms of youth are at length fading. Nothing to be gained by the inspection. If the cause of the Union really was at stake, the springs of motive were hidden behind the smiling countenance of the Machiavellian WOLMER. The only thing to do, and it is quite foreign to the habits of OLD MORALITY, was to meet guile with guile. WOLMER's question, plain enough as it appeared in print on the prosaic Orders, was, "Will Her Majesty's Ministers consider the advisability of appointing a Royal Commission to examine and report how far the evil of Fog is one that may be mitigated by legislation ?" "Sir," said OLD MORALITY, rising to the occasion, "I have to assure my Noble Friend that Her Majesty's Government are, in common with other inhabitants of the Metropolis, extremely sensible of the serious injury, disturbance, and hardship inflicted by the increasing prevalence of fog. What, it may be asked, is the cause of the London fog? These fogs, which occur generally in the winter time, are occasioned thus: some current of air, being suddenly cooled, descends into the warm streets, forcing back the smoke in a mass towards the earth. But, my Noble Friend might ask, why are there not fogs every night? I will tell him, for this is a matter in which Her Majesty's Government have nothing to hide, or. I may add, to conceal. Our wish is to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the House they sit. Fogs-this I have no hesitation in stating-do not supervene without intermission on "Well," said KERANS, drawing himself up to something more than his full height, Something more than his successive nights, because the air will always hold in solution a "that's the most remarkable exhibition I full height. certain quantity of vapour which varies according to its temperature, and when the air is not saturated, it may be cooled without parting ever heard, even from HARCOURT. We've nothing like it on our side. with its vapour. Yes, I know. My Right Hon. Friend, the Member |