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“OH, NO, WE NEVER MENTION HIM!” (HER MAJESTY in the evening witnessed tho performance of The Gondoliers, a Comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN, in the Waterloo Chamber, by the Savoy Theatre Company, under the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTB.-From the Times Court Circular, Monday, March 9.]
"A COMIC Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN." Qaite 80. But where does W. S. GILBERT come in ? Let us see. After giving the programme, and after giving all the characters and the supers, the words “ Dramatis Persona" ocour as an after-thought, and underneath are the names of the Musical Director, Stage Manager, Wig Provider, &o., &o. Well, “ W. 8. G." doesn't come in here. After the highly successful performance, R. D'OYLY CARTE, says the Times C. C., "had the honour of being presented to HER MAJESTY, who expressed her warm appreciation of the manner in which the performance was conducted.” Did R. D'OYLY think of mentioning that “the words” were by W. 8. G. ? And then it is told how D’Orly refused to take any payment for the performance. Noble, generous-hearted, largeminded, and liberal D'OYLY! Sir ARTHUR COUBTLY SULLIVAN's name was to the Bill, and so his consent to this extra act of generosity may be taken for granted. But what said Sir BRIAN DE BOIS GILBERT ? "By the merry-maskins, but an he be not pleased, dub me knight Samingo! Will D'OYLY be dubbed Knight? And what sort of a Knight? Well, remembering a certain amusing little episodo in the more recent history of the Savoy Theatre, why not a “Carpet Knight" ?
A MERE SUGGESTION FOR NEXT TIME.- Last Tuesday, under the heading of "To-day," the Times announced that “at the Society of Arts Mr. J. STARKIE GARDNER, as Cantor Lecturer, would discourse on ‘Enamelling and Damascening,' Professor H. HERKOMER being in the Chair.” Our excellent Bashian Professor was the right man in the right place, being so interested in theatrical matters; but, at the same time, wouldn't the lecture on “Damascening,” or “How to Dam-a-scene," have been more suitably given at the Playwreckers' Club, with Mr. JERUMKY JERUM in the Chair P
SONG OF THE BELLS OF RICHMOND.—“Turn again, WHITTAKER, First Mayor of Richmond.”
A NEW SECT. "AND IS THE NEW CURATE MARRIBD, MRS. JENKINS ?" "OH NO, MA'AM. HE'S WHAT THEY CALL A CHALYBEATE !”
me in a more favourable position. Outsiders, you know, see most ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
of game. I was outside; had, in fact, comfortably gone off to EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
dinner, expecting other people would stop to make House. But
they didn't, and I feel I'm just the man to make it hot for OLD House of Commons, Monday Night, March 9.- Naval Estimates MORALITY and his friends, who ought to have been here." on again. Approach delayed by action of CAMERON; House been Other people didn't seem to see it in quite that light. CondemCounted Out on Friday; necessary
natory Motion negatived by 184 Votes against 42. for Government to set up Supply
House thereupon took up Naval Estimates. Instantly Commodore again; formal Motion made by
HARCOURT appeared in offing; landed on Front Opposition Bench, JACKSON; CAMERON objects; deeply
diffusing unwonted smell of stale mussels and seaweed. Comdistressed to think that Govern
modore looked very imposing pacing down quarter-deck towards ment should have fallen so low as
Mace, with telescope under his arm, son'wester pulled well over his to permit Count Out. “It's really
ears, and unpolished square-toed boots rising above his knees. A shocking,” he said. “Here we are
blizzard outside; snow and wind; bitterly cold; but the Commodore brought from our peaceful homes
soon made it hot all round. Fell upon JOKIM spars and sails, stem to London at this inclement season,
and starn. Regularly claw-hammered him," as GEORGE HAMILTON to do the work of the nation.
said, drawing on naval resources for adequate adjective. Accused Assembled as usual on a Friday
him of making a speech that would have become CHARLES THE night; important business on ;
FIRST. Talked about levying Ship Money; threatened a revolution Ministers and their friends go off
hinted at HAMPDEN, and, anrebuked by the SPEAKER, oalled to dinner; and, it being found
unoffending Prince ARTHUR the “ youthful STRAFFORD.' there are not Forty Members pre
Splendid performance, only wanting an audience. Bat the storm sent, House is Counted Out at
inside House burst as suddenly as the blizzard without. Nobody half-past eight. Night absolutely
knew that the Commodore was close-hauled, and meant business. lost; Sitting criminally chucked
Few present to witness the perturbed scene on the Treasury
Bench :-OLD MORALITY huddled up against GEORGIE HAMILTON, "Ah!” I said, sympathetically;
who was nervously tearing sheet of paper into measured strips ; “must have been very hard upon
JOKIM shaking in every limb, and white to the lips ; Prince ARTHUR you, sternly attending to your duty
most successful of the group in maintaining his self-possession, though whilst others gambolled in the
evidently not liking the reference to STRAFFORD. The Commodore, shade. And then to be suddenly
looking in his tarpaulins considerably more than six foot high, Counted Out! How many of you
stormed and raged what time the snow and sleet beat & wild were there when the Count was
accompaniment on the melancholy windows. made ?" “Well
"Count” Cameron. - er-you see, TOBY," said CAMERON, almost blushing; "the fact is I wasn't there myself, Tuesday.- HOWARD VINCENT rather staggered to-night. Favoured though that, of course, does not deter me from invoking oensure on by fortune and the ballot, had secured first place for Motion on Ministers. Indeed I am not sure that the ciroumstance doesn't place Friendly Societies. Useful thing for coming General Election to be
Business done.- Commodore Harcourt gor again on the rampago.
remembered as advocate of cause of Working Man. Bestowed much Friday Night.-Lo! a strange thing happened. Fell asleep jast care on terms of Resolution ; invited Government to encourage more now, amid deadly dulness, depth of which no one outside House can general voluntary provision for sickness and old age. Then adroitly comprehend. Woke up, hearing familiar voice. 'Twas the voice of
dragged in the axiom that “Sound prin- Prince ARTHUR, I heard him complain; something about Ground-
"Toby, dear boy," he said to me, Tax. Very odd; think I'll go to sleep again.
THE SONG OF THE BACILLUS.
should start outPie
is better than three in the Bush.' For Protection of Bacilli from the Doctor's baleful art. One babais Got heaps of copy-books filled with these and similar words of wisdom. Koch the evil game first started, and his lymph came squirming in, HOWARD VINCENT is quite right. If But, ’twixt you and me, Bacilli'did not care a single pin. there was more of this in our elementary We went elsewhere in the body, and it only made us roam, schools, there would be, if I may say so, But it's hard, you must admit it, to be worried from your home, more men like me. You remember what and methinks the hapless patient had much rather we had rest, Who's-This said, 'Let me write their When he finds us wildly rushing up and down his tortured breast. copy-book headings, and I don't care who Then came BERNHEIM and his dodges; his specific is to flood makes their laws. HOWARD VINCENT is all the circulation freely with injections of goat's blood.
on the right tack; think we shall accept that is really rather soothing, and it doesn't seem to hurt, Herbert Maxwell his Resolution."
Though they lacerate your feelings with an automatic squirt; Performed his task well.
So it would have been, if that eminent Time will show if it's effective, but 'twill be revenge most sweet Anon.
strategist had foregone his speech. If If the patients take to butting every single soul they meet.
he had laid Resolution on the table, and said, “There you are,” Government
would have accepted it, and Next fierce LIEBBIECH, quite a savage, has declared that we shall die he would have had a night of triumph. But he would speak. Shattered and exacerbated by attacks of Spanish fly: Spoke for an hour, and utterly rained chances of the Resolution he we should like to ask the patient if he thinks he'll live at ease, as recommended.
With his system impregnated with that vile cantharides ? HERBERT MAXWELL, put up from Treasury Bench to reply for We perchance may fall before it, waging an unequal strife,
IT Government, did his work admirably. After fearful fiasco with But it's any odds the patient will be blistered out of life. CHAPLIN. last Friday, OLD MORALITY checked disposition to give Therefore, O my friends, take heart, and these indignities endure, young Ministers opportunity of distinguishing themselves. If Max- Although every week brings news of an indubitable cure; WELL made a mull of this, following on Friday week's catastrophe We have lived
and flourished freely ever since the world began, with CHAPLIN, it would be serious. MAXWELL won more than And our lineage is as ancient surely as is that of man; negative credit of not making mistake. He delivered excellent While I'll venture the prediction, as a wind-up to my song, speech, showing complete mastery of subject.
That, despite these dreadful Doctors, we may haply live as long. Business done.-House Counted out again.
Thursday.-An Irish night at last. Quite a long time since we talked of the distressful country. Wouldn't guess that Ireland was
BLONDEL UP TO DATE, to the fore by looking at the Irish quarter. Usual when
(A Fragment from a History of the Future.) Prince ARTHUR is on his feet
AND so it happened that the King was taken and imprisoned, no expounding and defending
one knew whither. His followers, saying one, treated the matter his policy for Irish camp. to
very calmly. The exception, who was supposed to be wanting in his be bristling with contradic
wits (he played on the barrel-organ), determined to do his best to tion and contumely: To
rescue his Royal Master; and an idea occurred to him. He had night only five there, includ
noticed that when he performed on his musical instrument those ing BRER RABBIT. BRER
who,' perforce, were obliged to listen to him acted strangely. Some Fox promised to come, but
of his audiences had frowned, others had shaken their fists at him, hasn't turned up. Under
and all had gone quickly away. Only once had a loiterer stayed stood to be engaged in com
behind, smiling a sweet smile, as if he were enjoying the musio. To position of new Manifesto.
BLONDEL subsequently ascertained that the apparently Towards midnight Prince ARTHUR,
charmed listener was stone deaf. So he argued that if his music wearied of the quietude, observed that
had so great an effect upon the population of his native village it he didn't believe there was a single
would work marvels in the wide world without. And thus, with a Irish Member present. Whereupon
heart full of hope and courage, he started on his travels. tribute NOLAN, waking from sleep, under
He wandered, turning the handle of his
for many, a weary shadow of Gallery, indignantly shouted
mile. He passed through towns, hamlets, and cities; the people out, What?" TANNER, just come
put their heads out of their windows, and urged him imperiously to in, roared, “Oh!” “Ah!" said Prince
be gone ; and as he hurried away he gazed at their faces, hoping to ARTHUR, and the conversation termi
have seen the King, his Master, but without avail. He felt, that were nated.
His Majesty to hear his music, there would be a further supply of Explanation of singular abstention
language savouring rather of the dicing-house than the cathedral. is, that business under discussion is
But, alas! his search was in vain. At length, he reached London, Voto on account of Relief of Distress 27
and found it as silent as the grave! There were no German bands, in Ireland. Prince ARTHUR asks for
no Niggers, not even a hurdy-gurdy! Greatly surprised, BLONDEL £55,000 for that purpose; wouldn't do for Irish Members to obey their first Mr. Swift M'Neill “ prating.” quietude!
asked a policeman the meaning of this strange, this unlooked-for instinct, and oppose Vote moved by
up that organ of yours," said the constable, surlily, "and Chief Secretary; If they were there, they might be expected to say, I will soon show you!” " Thank you;
so they stay away, one or two just looking in to BLONDEL turned his handle, and was immediately arrested. contradict T. W. RUSSELL— Roaring" RUSSELL, SARK calls him- “What for?" echoed the policeman; "why, for infringing the when he gave an account of what he saw during a recent visit to Ireland. provisions of the Jacobi Street Music Prohibition Act!” ** Business done.-Relief voted for Irish Distress.
And with this brief explanation BLONDEL was carried off to prison !
K NOTICE.- Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether Ms., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no caso be returned, not eveu when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Covor, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
THE G. P. O. CUCKOO,
at horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered with plans,
Expert Witness standing at reading-desk under examination. Junior Counsel (for Promoters). You have told us that there is a cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan-in your opinion do you think that the road passing, by Hoggsborough, coloured green, could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity of throwing a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured yellow ?
Expert Witness (with great deliberation, and illustrating his remarks by references to a large plan). In my opinion I think the necessity of building a bridge over the River Crowe may be avoided by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road that would cross the proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddlecomb, and ultimately reach Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the course of the Raisensworth, coloured black. Junior Counsel. Thank you that will do.
[Sits down. First Cross-Examining Q.C. (suddenly entering from another Committee Room, looking for his Junior-aside). Where on earth have we got to ?
Chairman of Committee. Is this witness oross-examined ?
First C.-E. Q.C. Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in plan?
Expert Witness. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is skirted, &c., &c. [Repeats the answer he has already given.
Second Cross-Examining Q.C. (entering hurriedly, as his learned brother sits down). One moment, please. Now you say that it is absolutely necessary to pass the River Crowe, in plan coloured red, by a bridge?
Expert Witness, On the contrary, I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate, &o., &c.
[Repeats his answer for the third time. Third C.-E. Q.C. (entering hurriedly, as his predecessor resumes his seat). And now, Sir, that my learned friends have asked you their questions, I have to ask you mine. Be kind enough to say, for the benefit of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members of the Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction of the proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood of
(consulting plan) — Market Goosebury, coloured blue in the plan, It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the fray,
and, as you will see, runs through the-inspects plan closely) –
Swashbuokler Estate-yes, the Swashbuckler Estate -and comes, And, oh, his eyes were gleaming as he summoned his array; To North and South the message went, to W. and E.,
as you will seo, if you refer to the chart, near Twaddlecomb-having And where, 'mid piles of ledgers, men make money in E.C.;
now sufficiently indicated the locality, I repeat, will you be kind
enough to say, whether, in your opinion, the necessity of building From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes wakes,
a bridge over the River Raven-is prompted by Junior) - I should As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud for RAIKES.
say, over the River Crowe-oould be avoided ? Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon the throng,
Chairman of Committee (interposing). I would suggest that, as “Ye tramp the streets by day and night, your hours are very long ; further examination at the hands of Counsel not present at the
this question has been answered three times, the witness be excused Yet since you love the G. P. O. that thus your feet employs, We must not see you flouted by a perky pack of boys.
examination-in-chief. Swift rally round the Master who quavers not nor quakes,
First C.-E. Q.C. (warmly). I consider this an infringement of the Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the adamantine RAIKES.
privileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. Chairman must remember
that it is possible that a single reference in the examination-in-chief “What? 'The Public want the Messengers'? We'll teach the may only require cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom
we represent. Besides, an expert witness's examination-in-chief is Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket all their pence. very seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by Though the papers rave, we care not for their chatter and their fuss. a learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are occasionThey must keep at home their messages, or send them all through Us. ally wanted elsewhere. And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose crushes snakes. Second C.-E. Q.C. (indignantly). Yes; and how can we attend They have sown, but we shall reap it'tis the will of Mr. RAIKES." to our Clients' interests if we are not allowed to be in two places at
once ? But Punch was there, and listened, and his angry face grew red,
Third C.-E. Q.C. (furiously). You have no right to act upon Like the tape that Raises delights in, and he shook his ancient head. an old ruling that was never enforced. Why, such a regulation "RAIKES,” he cried, “I doubt your wisdom, and I much incline to would ruin us—and many of us have wives and children!
[Exeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to brave imprisonThose who trespass on their neighbour's land, and cart away his corn. ment in the Clock Tower, if necessary. N.B.-Up to date Let the man who makes the oven and laboriously bakes
the Tower is untenanted. Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it all to RAIKES. " You say you 'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees
"IN THE NAME OF THE LAW -PHOTOGRAPHS!”—MR. A. BRIEFLESS, That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, like the bees. Junr., having
received a respectful invitation from some Brook Street But, oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it's not a pleasant thing Photographers to favour them (without charge) with a sitting, “ to To incur a bee's resentment and to suffer from its sting:
enable them to complete their series of portraits of distinguished legal And (to change my humble parallel) I like not him who takes gentlemen,” regrets to say that, as he has already sat for another Firm A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman RAIKES ! ” making the same request (see Papers from Pump-handle Court), he
is unable to comply with their courteous request. However, he is
pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded to others SOUND AND SAFE. -We hear that Mr. W. H. GRIFFITHS is to be of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he possesses a the new Lessee of the Shaftesbury.
Years ago, to the popular inquiry, wig, and the right to wear it, but that there his connection with the “Who's GRIFFITHS ?” there was but one answer, “The Safe Man." Law begins and ends." Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., wishes the indusGood omen for the Shaftesbury.
trious Firm every success in their publio-spirited undertaking.
GOSCHEN CUM DIG.: OR, THE (FAR FROM) DYING SWAN,
(A LONG WAY AFTER LORD TENNYSON.)
"What I LIKE ABOUT THIS RECESS IS ITS PEFFECT QUIET !" “Were I to go further into detail, I should show
The better deeds of a better day; you that the foodgates of (financial) abuse have
The backwater was snug and fair,
Ever the gay Canoeist went on, been opened even to a much larger extent than I have described. We are getting into a system
Making his memos. as he went. And the gay Canoeist cavorted there, under which Parliament is treated, and the
Thinks he, "I have built up everywhere country is treated, to the exhibition of fictitious A reputation for pluck and stay!” “My foes are piqued, I must suppose, surpluses of revenue over expenditure."
Amidst the reeds the river ran;
Bat cannot see their way to a Cry!” Mr. Gladstone (at Hastings) on Mr. Goschen's Behind them floated a Grand Old Swan, (So mused the man with the Semite nose, Finance. And loudly did lament
As up the backwater he swept.)