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“What I like" (said he) " in this nook so shy,
Is that I am quiet, and free as a swallow,
Squaring accounts at my own sweet will,
With never a fear of the Big Swan's Bill!
The Swan's as quiet as though he slept.
I fancy I've funked the fierce old fellow !

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The Grand Old Swan came out of his hole,
Snorting with furious joy:
Hidden by rushes he yet

drew near,
Behind the Canoeist, until on his ear
Those snortings fell, both full and clear.
Floating about the backwater shy,
Stronger and stronger the shindy stole,
Filling the startled Canoeist with fear;
And the jubilant jobating voice,
With menaces meaning and manifold,
Flowed forth on a “snorter” clear and bold
(As when a party-procession rejoice
With drums, and trumpets, and with banners of gold),
Until the Canoeist's blood ran cold,
And over his paddle he crouched and rolled ;
And he wished himself from that nook afar
(If it were but reading the evening Star) :
And the Swan be ruffled his plumes and hissed,
And with sounding buffets, which seldom missed,
He walloped into that paddler gay
(Bent on enjoying his holiday).
He smote him here, and he spanked him there,
Upset his balance," rumpled his hair.
"I'll teach you," he cried, with pounding pinions,
“To come intruding in my dominions!”.
And the frightened flags, and the startled reeds,
And the willow-branches hoar and dank,
And the shaking rushes and wobbling, weeds,
And the wave-worn horns of the echoing bank,
And the Grand Old Swan's admiring throng
(Who yelled at seeing him going so strong)
Were flooded and Auttered by that Stentor song!

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THE PROPOSED OLD ETONIAN BANQUET. — “Floreat

FORM! Etona !by all means, and may “ HENRY's holy shade" never be less! But doesn't it seem rather like a contra- "Good HEAVENS ! WHAT A SWELL | WHAT IS IT? TEA-FIGHT WEDDING diction in terms, for Old Etonians to sit down to an Eaten BREAKFAST ? " Dinner P-Yours, once removed,

“OA xo; ONLY GOING TO MY TAILOR'S. MUST BE DECENTLY DRESSED WHEN A ŠIXTH-FORMOSUS PUER. I GO TO SEE HIM, HE'S 80 BEASTLY CRITICAL".

flaxen.headed M.P. of a Saxon_constituency. And a word in his ABOUT THE COURT.

ear, -SOTHERN fashioned Lord Dundreary out of a worse part than Ar the Royal Court Theatre, which, as I read on the illustrated this. The Volcano shouldn't “ bust up." That's my opinion, as

A FRIEND AT COUBT. House Programme, is “Licensed by the London County Council to the Proprietors, Mrs. JOHN Wood and Mr. A. CHUDLEIGH,”.

,"—is the LORD CHAMBERLAIN out of it in this quarter ? (how can there be a

A SCHOOL OF CRITICISM.
Court without a Lord Chamberlain P), and, “under which king,
Bezonian P” Was it in the days of The Happy Land?—but nomatter.

From the Queen. A Correspondent writes :To resume. At the aforesaid Court Theatre is now being performed “ JOURNALISM.—I want to become a Dramatic Critic; how should I begin? an original Farce, in Three Acts, written by Mr. R. Ř. LUMLEY. I am fond of going to the theatre, but find it difficult to remember the plot of Ah! Åh! LUMLEY, this isn't quite up to your other piece, Aunt the play afterwards. What kind of notices do Editors preferiHistrionica.” Jack. Mrs. JOHN Wood is invaluable, and keeps the game alive Isn't it Mr. DAVID ANDERSON who has set up a flourishing School throughout; while ARTHUR CECIL'S Duke of Donoway-not a for Journalists? Why shouldn't there be a School for Critics ? The Comedy Duke, but a Duke in farcical circumstances-is excellent. Master would take his pupils to the Theatre regularly, and could WEEDON GROSSMITH is funny, but in make-up, tone of voice, and lecture on the Play as it proceeded. Should Managers and Actors mannerisms, the part seems mixed up with one or two others that he be so blind to the best interests of their Art as to refuse to allow the has played, and is very far from being in the same category with play to be stopped from time to time to allow of the Instructor's reAunt Jack's crushed Solicitor. BRANDON

THOMAS as Captain Roland marks, then he would have to wait until after each Act, and retire Gurney, R. N., is very natural. The Office Boy of Master WILSON with his pupils into some quiet corner of the Refreshment-room, and the little Gridd of Master WESTGATE (very near Birchington where he could give his lecture. Or teacher and pupils could hear a when the boy is in Mrs. Wood's hands), are capital. Miss CARLOTTA Scene or an Act every night, -and if they paid for their places (a LECLERCQ's Duchess is equal to the occasion. The two girls' parts are reduction being made for a quantity), the particular drama they unnatural and uninteresting. What ought to make the success of patronised would be considerably benofited by this plan. the piece is the scene where WEEDON GROSSMITH volunteers to sing There might be a uniform or an academic costume for these criti"The Wolf," and everyone talks and chatters until the Babel ends cal scholars Bay Shakspearian collars, Undergraduate gown, and in an explosion. It convulses the house with laughter; and if this portable mortar-board, to fold up, and be sat upon. There might be situation had been so contrived, -as it might have been, allow me a row reserved for them at the back of the Dress Circle, and twentyto say, -as to end the Act, the Curtain falling on the climax, the five per cent. reduction on tickets for a series. The M.C., or Master dashing down of the enraged musician's song and the exit of the of Critics, would take a fee for a course from each pupil. Fee to Duke, the run of The Volcano would have been insured from now to include seat at theatre, instruction, and supper afterwards. Christmas. Is it too late to retrieve this ? To quote the title of one of ANTHONY TBOLLOPE's novels, “I say No!" There is so much that is genuinely funny in the picoe, that if the alteration is done IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE.with a will, hic et nunc, why within a wook the piece oould be fixed “Hallo!” being the reoognised telephonio summons in use between securely in its place for the London season, and beyond it. Let companies and individuals of all nationalities, may be already confunny little WEEDON reconsider his make-up, and come out as the sidered as “ Hallo'd by a variety of associations."

seen

gravely) – BEATA! I understood where your deliverance lay-and I MR. PUNOH'S POCKET IBSEN.

acted. I drove BEATA into the mill-race There ! (Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless Ibsenite.)

Rosmer (after a short silence). H'm! Well, RROLL-(takes up his

hat) - if you're thinking of walking home, I'll go too. I'm going to No. I.- ROSMERSHOLM (CONCLUDED.)

be orthodox once more-after this Act III.

Kroll (severely and impressively, to REB.). A nice sort of young

[Both go out hastily, without looking at REB. Sitting-room at Rosmershölm. Sun shining outside in the Garden. woman you aro! Inside REBECCA West is watering a geranium with a small wonder why. (Pulls bell-rope.) _Madam HELSETH, I have just had

Reb. (speaks to herself, under her breath). Now I have done it. I watering-pot. Her crochet antimacassar lies in the arm-chair; a glimpse of two rushing White Horses. Bring down my hair-trank. Madam HELSETH is rubbing the chairs with furniture-polish

[Enter Madam H., with large hair-trunk, as Curtain falls. from a large bottle. Enter ROSMER, with his hat and stick in his "hand. Madam HELSETH corks the bottle and goes out to the right.

Act IV. Rebecca. Good morning, dear. (4. moment after-crocheting.) Have Late evening. REBECCA WEST stands by a lighted lamp, with a shade you seen Rector KROLL'8 paper this morning? There's something over it, packing sandwiches, &c., in a reticule, with a faint about you in it.

smile. The antimacassar is on the sofa. Enter ROSMER. Rosmer. Oh, indeed ? (Puts down hat and stick, and takes up Rosmer (seeing the sandwiches, &c.). Sandwiches ? Then you are paper.) H'm! (Readsthen walks about the room.) KBOLL has going! Why, on earth,- I can't understand I made it hot for me. (Reads some more.) Oh, this is too bad ! Reb. Dear, you never can. Rosmershölm is too much for me. REBECCA, they do say such nasty spiteful things! They actually But how did you get on with KROLL? call me a renegade-and I can't think why! They mustn't go on Rosmer. We have made it up. He has convinced me that the like this. All that is good in human nature will go to ruin if work of ennobling men was several sizes too large for me-80 I am they're

allowed to attack an excellent man like me! Only think, going to let it alone if I can make them see how unkind they have been !

Reb. (with her faint smile). There I almost think, dear, that you Reb. Yes, dear, in that you have a great and glorious objeot to are wise. attain-and' I wish you may get it!

Rosmer (as if annoyed). What, so you don't believe in me either, Rosmer. Thanks. I think I shall. (Happens to cook through REBECCA—you never did!

[Sits listlessly on chair. window, and jumps.). Ah, no, I

Reb. Not much, dear, when ehan't-never now. I have just

you are left to yourself—but I've

another confession to make. Reb. Not the White Horse,

Rosmer. What, another? I dear? Wo must really not overdo

really can't stand any more conthat White Horse !

fessions just now! Rosmer. No- the mill-race,

Reb. (sitting close to him). It is where BEATA- (Puts on his hat

only a little one. I bullied 'BRATA -takes it off again.). I'm begins

into the mill-race-because of a ning to be baunted by — no, I

wild unoontrollable (ROSMER don't mean the horse by a terrible

moves uneasily.) Sit still, dearsuspicion that BEATA may have

uncontrollable fancy-for you! been right after alll Yes, I do

Rosmer (goes and sits on sofa). believe, now I come to think of

Oh, my goodness, REBECCA — you it, that I must really have been

mustn't, you know ! in love with you from the first.

[He jumps up and down as Tell me your opinion.

if embarrassed. Reb. (struggling with herself,

Reb. Don't be alarmed, dear, and still crocheting). Oh–I can't

it is all over now. After living exactly say—such an odd question

alone with you in solitude, when to ask me !

you showed me all your thoughts Rosmer (shakes his head). Per

without reserve,

little by little, haps ; I have no sense of humour

somehow the fancy passed off. I -no respectable Norwegian has

caught the ROSMER view of life badly, and dulness descended on - and I do want to know-be

my soul as an extinguisher upon one of our Northern dips. The cause, you see, if I was in love

ROSMER view of life is ennobling, very—but hardly lively. And with you, it was a sin, and if I once convinced myself of that- I've more yet to tell you.

[Wanders across the room. Rosmer (turning it off). Isn't that enough for one evening P Reb. (breaking out). Oh, these old ancestral prejudices! Here is Reb. (almost voiceless). No, dear. I have a Past_behind me! your hat, and your stick, too; go and take a walk.

Rosmer. Behind you? How strange. I had an idea of that sort [ROSMER takes hat and stick, first, then goes out and takes a already. (Starts, as if in fear.) A joke! (Sadly.) Ah, nono, I walk; presently Madam HELSETH appears, and tells REBECCA must not give way to that! Never mind the Past, REBECCA ;.

I once something. REBECCA tells her something. They whisper thought that I had made the grand discovery that, if one is only together.' Madam H. nods, and shows in Rector KROLL, virtuous, one will be happy. I see now it was too daring, too original who keeps his hat in his hand, and sits on a chair.

-an immature dream. What bothers me is that I can't-somehow I Kroll. I merely called for the purpose of informing you that I can't believe entirely in you-I am not even sure that I have consider you an artful and designing person, but that, on the whole, ennobled you so very much-isn't it terrible ? considering your birth and moral antecedents, you know—(nods at Reb. (wringing her hands). Oh, this killing doubt! (Looks darkly her)—it is not surprising. (REBECCA walks about, wringing her at him.) Is there anything I can do to convince you ? hands ), Why, what is the matter ? Did you really not know that Rosmer (as if impelled to speak against his wilt). Yes, one thingyou had no right to your father's name ? I'd no idea you would only I'm afraid you wouldn't see it in the same light. And yet mind my mentioning such a trifle !

I must mention it. It is like this. I want to recover faith in my Reb. (breaking out). I do mind. I am an emancipated enigma, but mission, in my power to ennoble human souls. And, as a logical I retain a few little prejudices still. I don't like owning to my real thinker, I cannot do now, unless-well, unless you jump into age, and I do prefer to be legitimate. And, after your information the mill-race, too, like BEATA ! - of which I was quite ignorant, as my mother, the late Mrs. GAMVIK, Reb. (takes up her antimacassar, with composure, and puts it on never once alluded to it-I feel I must confess everything. Strong- her head). Anything to oblige you. minded advanced women are like that. Here is ROSMER. (ROSMER Rosmer (springs up). What You really will! You are sure enters with his hat and stick.) ROSMER, I want to tell you and you don't mind i Then, REBECCA, I will go further. I will even Rector KROLL a little story. Let us sit down, dear, all three of us. 80-yes-as far as you go yourself! (They sit down, mechanically, on chairs.). A long time ago, before Reb. (bows her head towards his breast). You will see me off ? the play, began-in a voice scarcely audible)—in Ibsenite dramas, Thanks. Now you are indeed an Ibsenite. all the interesting things somehow do happen before the play

[Smiles almost imperceptibly, begins

Rosmer (cautiously). I said as far as you go. I don't commit Rosmer. But, REBECCA, I know all this. KROLL—(looks hard at myself further than that. Shall we go ? her). Perhaps I had better go ?

Reb. First tell me thir. Are you going with me, or am I going Reb. No-1 will be short-this was it. I wanted to take my share with you ! in the life of the New Era, and march onward with ROSMER. There Rosmer. A subtle psychological point-but we have not time to was one dismal, insurmountable barrier-(to ROBMER, who nods I think it out here. We will discuss it as we go along. Comel

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[ROSMER takes his hat and stick, REBECCA her reticule, with sandwiches. They go out hand-in-hand through the door,

THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN. which they leave open. The room (as is not uncommon with

(Latest Version ; suggested by a Case at the London Sessions.) rooms in Norway) is left empty. Then Madam HELSETH enters through another door.

And did you not hear of a jolly young Waterman,
Madam H. The cab, Miss-not here! (Looks out.) Out together Who on the river his wherry did ply?
- at this time of night- upon my-not on the garden-seat ? (Looks When rowing along with great skill and dexterity,
out of window.) Ňy goodness! what is that white thing on the A Cask of Madeira it caught his pleased eye.
bridge—the Horse at last! (Shrieks aloud.) And those two siaful It looked so nice, he rowed up steadily,
creatures running home!

Transferred that cask to his boat right readily;
Enter ROSMER and REBECCA, out of breath.

And he eyed the dear drink with so eager an air,

For the name on the cask not a jot did he care. Rosmer (scarcely able to get the words out). It's no use, REBECCA - we must put it off till another evening. We can't be expected When smart EDDARD SAILL got that cask in his wherry, to jump off a footbridge which already has a White Horse on it. He cleaned it out-partly-with swiggings not small, And, if it comes to that, why should we jump at all?. I know And with his companions-what wonder P-made merry; now that I really have onnobled you, which was all I wanted. Madeira 's a wine that's not tippled by all. What would be the good of recovering faith in my mission at the One fancies one hears 'em a laughing and cheering, bottom of a mill-pond ? No, REBECCA– lays his hand on her head) Says EDDARD, "My boys, this is better than beering ! -there is no judge over us, and therefore

A Waterman's life would be free from all care Reb. (interrupting gravely). We will bind ourselves over in our If he often dropped on treasure trove like that there." own recognisances to come up for judgment when called upon. [Madam HELSETH holds on to a chair-back. REBECCA finishes And yet but to think now how strangely things happen! the antimacassar calmly as Curtain falls.

They copped him for larceny by finding,"'--that's all ! But SallL couldn't read, and the jury was kindly,

80 EDDARD got off, though his chance appeared small. A GRAND OLD WETTERUN!

Now would this young Waterman keep out of sorrow,

No derelict casks let him-shall we say, borrow ? I AN'T bin werry well lately, and, to crown the hole, I was

Madeira is nice, but you'd best have a care, cort in the Lizzard, I think, as they called it, on that awful

Before swigging the wine, that it's yours fair and square ! Munday pite, and that was pretty nearly a settler for both my old bones and my broth, and might ha' bin quite so, if one of the werry kindest Members of the old Cop

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. perashun as I nos on, who had bin a dining with a jolly party on 'em, hadn't kindly The Childhood and Youth of Dickens, a sort of short postscript to directed my notise to about a harf bottle- FORSTER’: Life, very well got up by its publishers HUTCHINSON & Co., full of werry fine old Port, with the remark- will interest

those who for the third or fourth time are going through NO

abel kind words, “That's just about what a course of DICKENS.
TIPS

you wants, Mr. ROBERT, to take you ome The Baron is an amateur of pocket-books and note-books. The
safely this most orful nite!” And so it best pocket-book must contain a calendar-diary,
were, I and I didn't waste a single drop and as little printed matter, and as much space
on it.

for notes, as possible. No pocket-book is perfect
However, I was obligated to have a good without some sort of patent pencil, of which the
long rest, which I took out mostly in writing-metal,
sleep; but, jest as I was preparing to when used on a

set out for the “Grand Hotel," in comes my damp surface, Thé “ Tipper's” Strike. Son; and he says to me, “Guvnor," says will serve as well

he-I notise as he allers calls me Guvnor as do pen and when he wants me to do sumthink—"I wants you to do me the favour ink on ordinary to ask Mr. Punch for to do you & favour.” * Why, what do you paper.

Such a mean?” says I. Why, this is what I means," says he. 'About pocket-book with the grandest feller as ewer in the hole world gave up fifty years of such a pencil the his useful life to trying to make hundreds of stupid boys into clever Baron has long boys, and hundreds of bad boys into good boys, and hundreds of had in use, the doll boys into witty boys, is a going for to have a testymonial given product of JOHN him by sum of them hundreds of boys, me among 'em, to sellybrate WALKER & Co., his Jewbilly, same the QUEEN had the other day. Ewery one of of Farringdon us as lives in London will jump at the chance; but the boys as he House. It should turns out from the great City of London Skool is such reel fust- be called The Walker Pocket-book, or Pedestrian's Companion ; raters, that they gits snapped up direckly by Merchants and peeple, for, as “He who runs may read," '80, with this handy combinaand sent all over the world for to manidge their warious buzzinesses tion, “He who walks may write." The Baron is led to mention there, so we don't know how to get at 'em; but as Mr. Punch goes this à propos of a novelty by T. J. SMITH AND DOWNEs, called The wherever any smart, clever English chap goes, if he wood most Self-registering Pocket Note-book, a very, neat invention, quâ kindly let this littel matter be mentioned, the grandest, and suck- Note-book only, but of which only one size has the invaluable sessfullest, ay, and wittiest Skool Master of modern times wood get patent pencil. The ordinary pencil entails carrying a knife, and, his dew reward.

though this is good for the cutler—"I know that man, he comes So says my Sun, and prowd I was to lissen to his words; and from Sheffield"-yet it is a defect which is a constant source of this is what I can add to them from my own knowlidg. There's worry to the ordinary note-taker. Otherwise, Messrs. SMITH AND sum of the old boys, as isn't quite as yang as when they left Downes' artfulness in making the pencil serve as a marker, so that Skool, as has formed a club to dine together sumtimes, and tork of the latest note can at once be found, is decidedly ingenious, and old times, like senserbel fellers as they is; and Mr. JOSEPH HARRIS, may probably be found most useful. Experientia docet: Baronius the gennelman in question, is allers there, and allers has to maké tentabit. a speech, and I am amost allers there too; and, to hear the joyful While on the subject of pocket-books, the Baron must thank shouts of arty welcome with which his old pupils greets him when Messrs. CASSELL & Co. for the pocket volumes of the National he rises for to speak, and their roars of larfter at his wit, and his Library edited by HENRY MORLEY, and ventures to recommend as a fun, and his good-humer, while he is a speaking, is so wery re- real travelling companion, Essays, Civil and Moral, .by Francis markabel, that I sumtimes wanders whether it doesn't, a good deal Bacon. In the eighteenth Essay "Of Travel," the chief Diarists, of it, rise from the fact of his great School being 80 close to “LETTS AND Son," might find a motto for their publications. The Mr. Punch's own horfice. But this is over the way, as the great Baron directs their attention to this side of BACON from which this writer says. May I be alowd to had that my speshal frend, and is a slice, -- "Let Diaries, therefore, be brought in use." A new readhewerybody's speshal frend, Mr. Coore, is reddy to receive any ing for advertising purposes would change "Let” into " Letts," or number of subskripshuns at 30, New Bridge Stroet, E.C.

ROBERT.

Letts could be interpolated in brackets. A cheeky way of treating
Bacon," says the Baron's friend little FUNNIYAN (Author of Funni-

man's Poor Jokes); but, if nothing worse than this can be said against A NEW PROVIDENCK.-"My life is in your hands," as the Auto- the Baron's suggestion, why, “Letts adopt it,” says biographist said to his Publisher.

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—MARCH 28, 1891.

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LORD SALISBURY. “HALLO I" M. LE PRÉSIDENT. “HALLO ! " LORD SALISBURY, “ YOU THERE ?" M. LE PRÉSIDENT. “ALL THERE I”

LORD SALISBURY. “CAN YOU SUGGEST AN ENTREE FOR DINNER P” M. LE PRÉSIDENT. “HOMARD AU GRATIN-AND, BY THE WAY, HOW ABOUT NEWFOUNDLAND AND LOBSTER QUESTION P" LORD SALISBURY. “NOT BY TELEPHONE, THANK YOU !!!"

[Telephone between London and Paris opened, Monday, March 23rd.

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