Huz ALWAYS ENTERTAINING; Grand Old Man OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O! (born in 1809) eighty-two! With this ingenious quibble the Amusing Rattle can wish himself a Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year.

APPROPRIATE.-Sir,-Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas legal case than appeared in the Times Law Report, December 20th, and which was entitled "The Mayor. &c. of Bootle-cumLinacre v. The Justices of Lancashire?" What delightful names for a comic chorus to a Bab Ballad in a Pantomime.

July.-Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it is also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce the victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause Solo. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor merriment amongst persons who have spent the best years of their Chorus. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee; lives on desert islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On Solo. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare, hote the 24th the Window Tax was abolished, of which you may say that Chorus. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee. although a priceless boon it was only a light relief. If you can only Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be introduce this really clever bon mot into a speech at a wedding break-serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing."

NOTICE.-Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned. not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope. Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule

JANUARY 10, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

13

t

MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.

No. X.-THE FONDMAN.

(By CALLED ABEL, Author of "The Teamster.") [The eminent Author writes to us as follows:-"How's this for a Saga? Do you know what a Saga is? Nor do I, but this is one in spite of what anybody may say. History be blowed! Who cares about history? Mix up your dates and your incidents, and fill up with any amount of simple human passions. Then you'll get a Saga? After that you can write a Proem and an Epilogue. They must have absolutely nothing to do with the story, but you can put in some Northern legends, and a tale about MAHOMET (by the way, I've written a play about him) which are bound to tell, though, of course, you were not bound to tell them. Ha, ha! who talked about thunderstorms, and passions, and powers and emotions, and sulphur-mines, and heartless Governors, and wicked brothers? Read on, my bonny boy. Vous m'en direz des nouvelles, but don't call this a novel. It's a right-down regular Saga."-C. A.]

THE BOOK OF STIFFUN ORRORS.

CHAPTER I.

And so

on the ocean, but, like other pitchers, he went to the bad once too
often, and got broken on the rocks. Then came KANE WADE, and
66 Now, by me sowl,
CHALSE, and MYLCHREEST, and they sang hymns to him.

Ye've not lived a right life," said one.
66 All flesh is as grass," roared a

66 This," he
ye've got to die," sang another.
third. Suddenly FASON stood beside his bedside.
thought, "is my father. I must kill him." But he restrained
THE BOOK OF MICHAEL MOONKEYS.
himself by a superhuman effort-and that was the end of ORRORS.
CHAPTER III.

MICHAEL and FASON were both the sons of ORRORS. They were
both Homeric, and both fell in love with GREEBA, who flirted out-
rageously with both. These coincidences are absolutely essential in
Republic. Thus GREEBA and MICHAEL were at Reykjavik. FASON
a tale of simple human passions. But, to be short, GREEBA married
MICHAEL, who had become First President of the second Icelandic
followed, spurred by a blind feeling of revenge. About this time
Mrs. FATSISTER took a dislike to her husband.

..

Crinkum, crankum!" she said, "you'd have me toil and moil
"RUTH," said ADAM.
while you pat your nose at the fire."

STIFFUN ORRORS was a gigantic fair-haired man, whose muscles were like the great gnarled round heads of a beech-tree. When a man possesses that particular shape of muscle he is sure to be a hard nut to crack. poor PATRICKSEN found him, merely getting his own wretched back broken for his trouble. GORGON GORGONSEN was Governor of Iceland, and lived at Reykjavik, the capital, which was not only little and hungry, but was also a creeping settlement with a face turned to America. It was a poor lame place, with its wooden feet in the sea. Altogether a strange capital. In the month of Althing GORGON took his daughter to Thingummy-vellir, where there were wrestling matches. came to the turn of PATRICKSEN and STIFFUN. STIFFUN took him with one arm; then, curling one leg round his head and winding the other round his waist, he planted his head in his chest, and crushing his ribs with one band he gave a mighty heave, and clasping the ground, as with the hoofs of an ox, he flung him some two hundred yards away, and went and married RACHEL the Governor's daughter. That night he broke PATRICKSEN's back, as if he had been a stick of sugar-candy. After this he took his wife home, and often beat her, or set his mother on her. But one day she happened to mention PAT

"Hoity toity!" cried she.

"The house is mine. Away with
you!" So poor old ADAM also
set out for Reykjavik, and the
66 Dy
boatmen cried after him,
banne jee oo!" and he imme-
diately jeeooed, as you shall hear.
six brothers
Last, GREEBA'S
packed up, and left for Reykja-
vik; and now that we have
got all our characters safely
there, or on the way, we can
get on with the story. It may
be mentioned, however, that
Mrs. ADAM found a fever in a
neglected cattle-trough. Being
a grasping woman, she caught
it, and took it home-and it
killed her.

CHAPTER IV.

RED FASON meant to kill MICHAEL. That was plain. So he was tried by a Bishop and nine of his neighbours an hour or so after the attempt. And although the time was so short, all the witnesses had been collected, and all formalities completed. And FASON was dumb, but great of heart, and the Bishop condemned him to the sulphur-mines, for which he soon afterwards started with his long stride, and his shorn head, and his pallid face. Upon this the six brothers of GREEBA arrived, spread calumnies, and Their names were believed. as JOBBERNOWL, WASTREL, were ASHER, JACOB, JOHN, THURSTAN, STEAN, and Ross, but they preferred addressing one another GOMERSTANG, BLUBBERHEAD, NUMSKULL, and BLATHERSKITE. It saved time, and made things pleasant all round. MICHAEL quarrelled if GORGON GORGONSEN, at the head of some Danish soldiers, had with his wife, and there is no knowing what might have happened, not upset the Republic, and banished MICHAEL to the sulphurmines to join his brother.

The Characters Personally-Conducted by the Author to Reykjavik. RICKSEN, so he fled, cowed, humiliated, cap in hand, to Manxland, but left to her her child, her liberator, her FASON, so that she might span her little world of shame and pain on the bridge of Hope's own rainbow. She did this every day, and no one in all Iceland, rugged, hungry, cold Iceland, knew how she did it. It was a pretty trick.

CHAPTER II.

THE BOOK OF RED FASON.
CHAPTER V.

THIS is the Isle of Man, the island of MATT MYLCHREEST, and NARY CROWE, but plenty of vultures, the island of Deemsters, and Keys, and Kirk Maughold, and Port y Vullin. Here at the Lague lived ADAM FATSISTER, the Deputy Governor, who had been selected for that post because he owned five hundred hungry acres, six hungrier sons, a face like an angel's in homespun, a flaccid figure, and a shrewd-faced wife, named RUTH. Hither came STIFFUN, to beg shelter. The footman opened the door to him, but would have closed it had not ADAM, with a lusty old oath, bidden him to let the man in. Hereupon STIFFUN's face softened, and the footman's marketable commodity in Reykjavik, as ADAM found to his cost. dropped; but ORRORS, with an Icelander's inborn courtesy, picked it up, dusted it, and returned it to its owner. Shortly afterwards, STIFFUN became a bigamist and a wrecker, and had another son, whom, in honour of the Manxland Parliament, he christened MICHAEL MOONKEYS, and left him to be cared for by old ADAM, whose daughter's name was GREEBA. STIFFUN, as I have said, was wrecker, a wrecker on strictly Homeric principles, but a wrecker, nevertheless. When storm-winds blew, he was a pitcher and tosser

VOL. C.

C

POOR ADAM arrived too late, yet he has his use in the tale, for his words to GORGON GORGONSEN were bitter words, such as the cruel old Governor liked not. And he harried him, and worried him, but without avail. for in Reykjavik money was justice, and ADAM had spent his. What availed it that a grey silt should come up out of the deposits of his memory? That was a totally unAnd in the end intending to shoot MICHAEL they shot FASON. And yet it is perfectly certain that the next chapter of this Saga, had there been a next, would have found all the characters once more in the Isle of Man. For nothing is more surely established than this: that a good (or a bad) Icelander, when he dies (or lives), goes always to the Isle of Man, and every self-respecting Manxman returns the compliment by going to Iceland. And thus are Sagas constructed. And this is the End.

LAUNCE IN LONDON.
(Shakspeare adapted to the situation.)

Launce. When a poor man's our shall cost him some thirteen shillings and sixpence within the year, look you, it goes hard; one that I brought up as a puppy; one of a mongrel litter that I saved from drowning, when three or four of his blind, breedless brothers and sisters went to it. Verily I will write to the Standard thereanent. Item-muzzle, two shillings; item-collar, under new order, two shillings and sixpence; item-engraving collar, under new order, one shilling and sixpence; item -licence, seven shillings and sixpence; total, thirteen shillings and sixpence, as aforesaid. Truly a poor man feeleth an amount like this, and hath to deny himself some necessary to preserve his affectionate companion, to wit, his dog. I have taught him, even as one would say, precisely, "thus would I teach a dog." O'tis a foul thing when a dog cannot keep himself in all companies, but must grub for garbage in the gutter, and yap at constables' kibes! I would have, as one should say, one that takes upon himself to be a dog indeed, to be, as "A POOR MAN FEELS AN AMOUNT LIKE THIS, AND HAS TO DENY HIMSELF SOME it were, a dog at all things. And art thou so, Crab? NECESSARY TO PRESERVE HIS AFFECTIONATE COMPANION, THE DOG." But verily 'tis I who have taught thee, that have also

66

to pay for thee; and, whether thou art wholly worth the cost, concerns not thee, but thy master. Thou hast of late many enemies in seats of office. and elsewhere; ministers, and scribes, and feeble folk in fidgety fear of hypothetical hydrophoby. Out with the dog!" savs "That our looks mad!" says another; "Muzzle him!" says the third. "Kaook me him on the head with a constable's staff!"

one.