are all wrong. This is thally a cockney Savader" a right food.

"Sa cockney Suvader." a right good. Harry Jurnies

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

table talking at large to the House, but with his eye fixed on
GRANVILLE; at the other, the dapper figure, with its indescribable
air of old-fashioned gentlemanhood, the light of his smile shed
impartially on the benches opposite, but his slight bow reserved for
the MARKISS, as, leaning across the table, he pinked him under the
fifth rib with glittering rapier-this is a sight that will never more
gladden the eye in the House of Lords. GRANVILLE was the comple-
ment of the MARKISS; the MARKISS was to GRANVILLE an incentive
to his bitter-sweetness. Never again will they meet to touch shield
with lance across the table in the Lords. LYCIDAS is dead, not ere
his prime, it is true;
"But, O the heavy change, now thou art gone,
Now thou art gone, and never must return!"

House of Commons, Monday Night, April 13.-So long since Lord STALBRIDGE parted company from RICHARD GROSVENOR that he forgets manners and customs of House of Commons. Not being satisfied with choice made by Committee of Selection of certain Members on Committee dealing with Railway Rates and Charges, STALBRIDGE writes peremptory letter to Chairman, giving him severe wigging; correspondence gets into newspapers; House of Commons, naturally enough, very angry. Not going to stand this sort of thing from a mere Peer, even though he be Chairman of North-Western Railway. Talk of making it case of privilege. Sort of thing expected to be taken up from Front Bench, or by WHITBREAD, or some other Member of standing. Some- KIMBERLEY, DERBY, and SELBORNE strummed their lament. It seemed in stumbling inadequate phrase that CRANBROOK, how, whilst thing being thought over and talked about, SEXTON speaking from different points of view, without pre-concert, they But, undertakes to see it through. As soon as questions over to-struck the same chord in recognising the ever unruffled gentleness of night, rises from below Gangway, and in his comically impressive the nature of LYCIDAS-a gentleness not born of weakness, a sweetmanner, announces intention of putting certain questions to JOHN MOWBRAY, Chairman of Committee of Selection. Ordinary man could have fitly spoken the eulogy of GRANVILLE. After him, the ness of disposition that did not unwholesomely cloy. Only Mr. G. would have put his questions and sat down. But this a great task belonged to the MARKISS, and it was a Occasion for SEXTON. Domestic difficulties in Irish Party kept him pity that circumstances prevented his unaway from Westminster for many weeks. No opportunity for Windbag to come into action; now is the time, as champion of dertaking it. Business done.-Irish Land privileges of House of Commons. Position one of some difficulty. Not intending to conclude with a Motion, he would be out of order in making a speech. Could only ask question. Question couldn't possibly extend over two minutes; two minutes, nothing with the Windbag full, bursting after compulsory quiescence since Parliament opened. SEXTON managed admirably; kept one eye on SPEAKER, who from time to time moved uneasily in chair. Whenever he looked like going to interrupt, SEXTON lapsed into interrogatory, which put him in order; then went on again, patronising JOHN MOWBRAY, posing as champion of privileges of House, and so thoroughly enjoying himself, that only a particularly cantankerous person could have complained. Still, it was a little long. "This isn't SEXTON's funeral, is it?" HARCOURT asked, in loud whisper. "No," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN; "it was meant to be STALBRIDGE's; but I fancy SEXTON will save him from full inconvenience of the ceremony."

A Cameron Man.

Bill in Commons.

Wednesday.-Brer Fox turned up today, unexpectedly. So did MAURICE HEALY, even more unexpectedly. Irish Sunday Closing Bill under discussion. Great bulk of Irish Members in favour of it. First note of discord introduced by Windbag SEXTON. Belfast Publicans, who find their business threatened, insist that he shall oppose the Bill; does so accordingly, separating himself from his party. Brer Fox quickly seized the opportunity; he, too, on the side of the Publicans, who hold the purse, and, money (like some of their customers) is tight. So PARNELL lavishly compliments Windbag SEXTON on his "large and patriotic view"; hisses out his scorn for the Liberal Party; declares that IreSo it turned out; House land abhors_the_measure, which he calls tired of business long before a New Coercion Bill. Windbag SEXTON_had blown Then, from bench below him, uprises a himself out. Poor JOHN Mow-bent, slight figure, looking less like a man BRAY admittedly flabber- of war than most things. A low,_ quiet ghasted by the interminable voice, sounds clearly through the House, string of questions under and Mr. MAURICE HEALY is discovered which SEXTON had tried to denying Brer Fox's right to speak on this disguise his speech. STAL- or any other public question for the conBRIDGE got off without direct stituency of Cork. censure, and DONALD CAMERON abruptly turned the conversation in the direction of Opium. That was all; only two sentences; but the thundering cheers that Business done. In Com-rang through House told how they had gone home. mittee on Irish Land Bill.

"The mildest-mannered Man."

"If he has any doubt on this subject," the mild-looking young man continued, "let him keep the promise he made to me about contesting the seat."

Business done.-Irish Sunday Closing Bill read Second Time.

Friday. GRANDOLPH looked in for few minutes before dinner. A little difficulty with doorkeeper. So disguised under beard, that failed to recognise him; thought he was a stranger, bound for the Gallery. But when GRANDOLPH turned, and glared on him, saw his mistake as in a flash of lightning.

"Same eyes, anyhow," said Mr. JARRATT, getting back to the safety of his chair with alacrity.

GRANDOLPH sat awhile in corner seat, stroking his beard, to the manifest chagrin of his jilted moustache.

House of Lords, Tuesday. Lords met to-night after Easter Recess; come together with a feeling that since last they met a gap been made in their ranks that can never be filled. The gentle GRANVILLE'S seat is occupied by another. Never more will the Peers look upon his kindly face, or hear his lisping voice uttering bright thoughts in exquisite phrase. KIMBERLEY sits where he was wont to lounge. K. a good safe man; one of the rare kind whose reputation stands highest with the innermost circle of those who work and live with him. To the outside world, the man in the street, KIMBERLEY is an expression; some not quite sure whether he isn't a territory in South Africa. Known in the Lords, of course; listened to with respect, much as HALLAM'S Constitutional History of England is occasionally read. But when tonight he rises from GRANVILLE's seat and makes a speech that, with readjustment of circumstance, GRANVILLE himself would have made, an assembly not emotional feels with keen pang how much it has lost. The MARKISS should be here. Perhaps for himself it is as well he's away. To him, more than anyone else in the House, the newly filled space on the Bench opposite is of direful import. The MARKISS has no peer now GRANVILLE is gone; the two were in all characteristics and mental attitudes absolutely opposed, and yet, like oil and vinegar, the mixing perfected the salad of debate. The lumbering figure of the black-visaged Marquis at one side of the Dropping into Poetry. again.

"Awfully dull," he said. "Glad I'm off to other climes; don't know whether I shall come back at all. If Mashonaland wants a King, and insists upon my accepting the Crown, not sure I shall refuse."

GRANDOLPH seems hipped," said WARING, watching him as he swung through the Lobby. "It's the beard. Never been the same man since he grew it.

"There was a Young Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!

Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard.""
Business done.-Committee on Irish Land Bill

NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule

SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST.

A DUSTMAN'S SILENT TEAR.

I KNOW not how that Dustman stirred my ire:
He may have failed to call when due: but he-
My breast being charged with economic fire,-
Was mulcted of his customary fee.

I was informed, at first he did not seem

To grasp the cruel sense of what he heard,

But asked, "Wot's this 'ere game?" as if some dream
Of evil portents all his pulses stirred;

Then, muttering, he turned, and went his way
Dejected, broken! I had stopped his beer!
Ah! from that Dustman who, alas! can say
I did not wring a sad and silent tear!

I thought the matter o'er. I vowed no more,
That I with grief would moisten any eye;
Henceforth, whene'er that Dustman passed my door,
Upon his beer he knew he could rely!

Nay more! For never heeding if my bin

Were full or empty, I that Dustman hailed;
His grateful smile my one desire to win;
I felt I could not help it if I failed.
Twice every week he came,-his twopence drew:
That Dustman seemed to brighten with his beer.
And, if he wept, thank Heaven, at least I knew
With joy, not grief, he shed his silent tear!

LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. [CONTINUED.]

IM "WHUSKY

tive Band/marched up to the Hotel and played patriotic airs under
the window. Mother and I drove to the Beaconsfield Club in an open
carriage and pair, escorted by the band. Mother's bonnet was all
primroses, and she carried an immense bouquet of them. Carlo
came with us and sat on the back-seat. His collar was stuck full
of primroses, and small bunches, were tied on to the tufts on his back
and at the end of his tail. I wore a buttonhole of primroses, and
carried a huge primrose wreath to be placed round the bust of LORD
BEACONSFIELD, which stands in the hall of the Club. The coachman
and horses too were all tricked out with bunches. TOLLAND and
CHORKLE, and all the leaders of the Party, met us at the entrance of
the Club, and the ceremony of depositing the flowers all round the
bust began. CHORKLE, who once shook hands with Dizzy in the
lobby of the House, made a great speech, mostly composed of personal
reminiscences of our great departed leader. (By the way CHORKLE
has six children, five of them being sons, whose names are BEN-
JAMIN DISRAELI CHORKLE, CECIL SALISBURY CHORKLE, STRAFFORD
THOROUGH CHORKLE, HOBBES LEVIATHAN CHORKLE, and RAN-
DOLPH CHURCHILL CHORKLE.) The sixth, eighteen months
old, is a girl. Her name is WILLIAMINA HENRIETTA SMITH
CHORKLE.
They were all present, covered with primroses. I
added a few words about the inspiring effect that the contemplation
of LORD BEACONSFIELD's career must have upon the youth of the
country. Mother's bouquet kept falling off the place she had put it
on, and two or three enthusiasts always dashed forward to pick it up,
causing a good many collisions. In the middle of my speech, Carlo
walked into the centre of the hall, sat down and proceeded to gnaw
off the primroses which had been tied to his tail. He then ate them
all solemnly, and after that rolled over on his back with his paws
stuck straight out, pretending he was dead. I must tell Mother not
to bring that dog again. There was a great banquet in the evening.
VULLIAMY came down for it and spoke very kindly about me in his
speech. Said he had followed my career with profound interest and
pleasure from my earliest years. I've only known him a year.

NOTHING LIKE DISCIPLINE!

(Extract from the Diary of PRIVATE ATKINS, Prince's Company, 4th Battalion, H.M.'s Guzzlebeer Guards.)

Thursday, April 16.-On looking through my book I find that I am now a member of ten Billsbury Cricket Clubs, to most of which I am a Vice-President. Not bad, considering that my average in my last year at school was four, and that I didn't play more than half-a-dozen times at Oxford. TOLLAND says there are many more Foot-ball Clubs than Cricket Clubs -a pleasant prospect for me in the Monday.-Joined the Regiment. Appeared on Parade, and was Autumn. Have also had to subscribe requested to come to "attention," although the Sergeant must have to six Missions of various kinds, four seen that I was "standing at ease." Expressed Easter Monday Fêtes, six Friendly a desire that the Commanding-officer should Societies, three Literary and Scientific rectify the mistake, when all ended amicably. Institutes, five Temperance Associations, Sergeant apologised, and promised that it should four Quoit Clubs, two Swimming Clubs, not occur again. Satisfied. Both Sergeant and seven Sunday Schools, five Church or Commanding-officer well up in their duties! Chapel Building Funds, three Ornithological Societies, two Christian Young Men's Associations, three Children's Free Dinner Funds, one Angling Association, not to speak of Fire Brigade, Dispensaries, and Brass Bands. Have also given a Prize to be shot for by Volunteers, as CHUBSON gives one every year. What with £80 subscription to the Registration Fund, things are beginning to mount up pretty considerably.

Tuesday.-Bugle sounded too early for Assembly. Sent a message to the Adjutant by his orderly (with my compliments) saying that I would feel much obliged if the Parade were postponed an hour. Adjutant returned his compliments, with a request that I would give in writing my reason for desiring a delay. Explained (by word Have spoken at three meetings since the Mass Meeting. TOLLAND of mouth) that I wanted to read the newspapers. said, "You needn't refer to Sir THOMAS CHUBSON yourself. Leave Parade consequently postponed as requested. Obliging chap the our people to do that. They enjoy that kind of thing, and know Adjutant! how to do it." They do, indeed. At our last meeting, HOLLEBONE, Wednesday.-Warned for Guard. Sent for the Major of my halfthe Secretary of the Junior Conservative Club, went on at him for battalion (don't like bothering the Commanding-officer about every twenty minutes in proposing resolution of confidence in me. "Sir trifle), and explained that, although the Surgeon had seen me, and THOMAS," he said, "talks of his pledges. The less Sir THOMAS says reported me fit, I had a presentiment that the easterly winds would about them the better. I can't walk out anywhere in Billsbury for play the very mischief with me if I went "Sentry Go." Major two minutes without tripping over the broken fragments of some of thought, perhaps it would be better if I were struck off duty. Sir THOMAS's pledges. It's getting quite dangerous. Sir THOMAS, Excused Guard in consequence. Good sort Major of my halfthey say, made himself. It's a pity he couldn't put in a little con- battalion! sistency when he was engaged on the job. We don't want any Thursday.-Sorry to find rations very unsatisfactory. Complained purse-proud Radical knights to represent us. We want a straight-to the Officer of the day, who reported the matter to the Captain. forward man, who says what he means; and you'll agree with me, Captain said he would have asked the entire company to dine with fellow-townsmen, that we've got one in our eloquent and popular him at his Club had he not been engaged. He then passed us on to young Candidate." his Subs. The latter most obligingly gave us some food at a Restaurant. Châteaubriand excellent, Sole à la Normande decent, but Potage à la bisque too rich. Mistake to order the latter, as one can never get it really good, except on the Continent. Wine tol-lol. Pol Royer of '84. However, spent a very pleasant evening. Both Subs, when you know them, not half bad fellows!

This went down very well. Next day, however, the Meteor "parallel-columned" Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's career and mine. Mine occupied six lines; Sir THOMAS'S "Life of honourable and selfsacrificing industry" ran to nearly a column. "It will be observed," said the Meteor, "that there is a good deal of blank space in Mr. PATTLE'S comparative career; but this no doubt recommends him to his Conservative friends, who are quite equal to filling it brilliantly with their imaginative rhetoric about his chances of success."

Primrose Day, the day after to-morrow. We're going to have a great demonstration at Billsbury. Mother is going down with me to-morrow.

April 20th," George Hotel," Billsbury.-The Demonstration yesterday was a splendid success. At ten o'clock in the morning the Conserva

VOL. C.

Friday.-Rather a head, and felt generally out of sorts. Warned for Kit-inspection. Couldn't stand this, so called upon General Commanding District. Not at home, but was asked would I see his locum tenens? Replied in the negative, as I don't believe in gobetweens. Didn't return to barracks, as I thought I might get a breath of sea-air at Southend.

Saturday.-Arrested and conveyed to the Guard-room. Suppose I shall be released with a caution. At any rate, for the present, diary confiscated.