A WAY OF PUTTING IT.

Author. "Do YOU LIKE MY VERSES?" Pompous Critic. "OH, IMMENSELY I OBSERVE THAT THE EXIGENCIES OF RHYME HAVE OCCASIONALLY LED TO A FELI

CITY OF EXPRESSION WHICH-WHICH ALMOST COMPELS ONE TO ASSUME THE ORIGINAL EXISTENCE OF IDEAS !"

VOCES POPULI.

ON THE ICE.

SCENE-The Serpentine. On the bank, several persons are having their skates put on; practised Skaters being irritable and impatient, and others curiously the reverse, at any delay in the operation.

Chorus of Unemployed Skate-Fasteners. 'Oo'll'ave a pair on for an hour? Good Sport to-day, Sir! Try a pair on, Mum! (to any particularly stout Lady). Will yer walk inter my porler, Sir ? corpet all the w'y! 'Ad the pleasure o' puttin' on your skites last year, Miss! Best skates in London, Sir! [Exhibiting a primeval pair.

The Usual Comic Cockney (to his Friend, who has undertaken to instruct him). No 'urry, old man-this joker ain't 'arf finished with me yet! [To Skate-Fastener.) Easy with that jimlet, Guv'nor. My 'eel ain't "Look here! This is rather a pretty figure." "orn, like a 'orse's 'oof! If you're goin' to strap me up as toight as all that, I shell 'ave to go to bed in them skites!... Well, what is it now?

I shorn't

puttin' money by, you ought! That's right, tyke them snivellin'
kids 'ome-blast me if ever I-&o., &c., &c.
[Exit party, pursued by powerful metaphors.
The Egotistic Skater (in charge of a small Niece). Just see if you
can get along by yourself a little-I'll come back presently. Practise
striking out.

The Niece. But, Uncle, directly I strike out, I fall down!
The E. S. (encouragingly). You will at first, till you get into it-
gives you confidence. Keep on at it-don't stand about, or you'll
catch cold. I shall be keeping my eye on you!
[Skates off to better ice.
The Fancy Skater (to less accomplished Friend). This is a pretty
figure sort of variation of the "Cross Cut," ending up with The
Vine;" it's done this way (illustrating), quarter of circle on outside
edge forwards; then sudden stop- (He sits down with violence.)
Didn't quite come off that time!

The Friend. The sudden stop came off right enough, old fellow! The F. S. I'll show you again-it's really a neat thing when it's well done; you do it all on one leg, like this

[Executes an elaborate back-fall. His Friend. You seem to do most of it on no legs at all, old chap! The F. S. Haven't practised it lately, that's all. Now here's a figure I invented myself. "The Swooping Hawk" I call it.

His Friend (unkindly as the F. 8. comes down in the form of a St. Andrew's Cross). Y-yes. More like a Spread Eagle though, ain't it?

A Pretty Girl (to Mr. ACKMEY, who has been privileged to take charge of herself and her plain Sister). Do come and tell me if I'm doing it right, Mr. ACKMEY. You said you'd go round with me!

The Plain S. How can you be so selfish, FLORRIE? You've had ever so much more practice than I have! Mr. ACKMEY, I wish you'd look at my left boot-it will go like that. Is it my ankle-or what? And this strap is hurting me so! Couldn't you loosen it, or take me back to the man, or something? FLORRIE can get on quite well alone, can't she?

Mr. A. (temporising feebly). Er-suppose I give each of you a hand, eh? The Plain S. No; I can't go along fast, like you and LAURA. You promised to look after me, and I'm perfectly helpless alone! The Pretty S. Then, am I to go by myself, Mr. ACKMEY? Mr. A. I-I think-just for a little, if you don't mind! The Pretty S. Mind? Not a bit! There's CLARA WILLOUGHBY and her brother on the next ring, I'll go over to them. Take good care of ALICE, Mr. ACKMEY. Good-bye for the present.

Skate-Fastener. Reglar thing fur Gen'lm'n as 'ires skates ter leave somethink be'ind, jest as security like-anythink 'll do-a gold watch and chain, if yer got sech a thing about yer! The C. C. Oh, I dessay-not me! Skate-F. (wounded). Why, yer needn't be afroid! run away-you'll find me 'ere when yer come back! The C. C. Ah, that will be noice! But all the sime, a watch is a thing as slips out of mind so easy, yer know. You might go and forgit all about it. 'Ere's a match-box instead; it ain't silver! Skate-F. (with respect). Ah, you do know the world, you do! The C. C. Now, ALF, old man. I'm ready for yer! Give us 'old of yer 'and... Go slow now. What's the Vestry about not to put some gravel down 'ere? It's downright dangerous! Whoo-up! Blowed if I ain't got some other party's legs on!... Sloide more? Whadjer torking about! I'm sloidin' every way at once, I am!... Stroike out? I've struck sparks enough out of the back o' my 'ed, if that's all!... Git up? Ketch me! I'm a deal syfer settin' [She goes; ALICE doesn't think Mr. A. is "nearly so nice as he dayown, and I'll sty 'ere! [He stays. used to be." A Nervous Skater (hobbling cautiously down the bank-to Friend). The Reckless Rough. Now then, I'm on 'ere. Clear the way, all I-I don't know how I shall be in these, you know-haven't had a of yer! Parties must look out fur theirselves when they see me a pair on for years. (Striking out.) Well, come-(relieved)-skating's comin', I carn't stop fur nobody! one of those things you never forget-all a question of poise and equi confound the things! No, I'm all right, thanks-lump in the ice, that's all! As I was saying, skating soon comes back to -thought I was gone that time! Stick by me, old fellow, till I begin to feel my- Oh, hang it all!... Eh? surely we have been on more than five minutes! Worst of skating is, your feet get so cold!... These are beastly skates. Did you hear that crack ? Well, you may stay on if you like, but I'm not going to risk my life for a few minutes' pleasure! [He returns to bank. The Fond Mother (from bank, to Children on the ice). That's right. ALMA, you're doing it beautifully-don't walk so much! (To French Governess). ALMA fay bocoo de progray, may elle ne glisse assez-nayse par, Ma'amzell?

Mademoiselle. C'est ELLA qui est la plus habile, elle patine déjà très bien-et avec un aplomb!

The F. M. Wee-wee; may ELLA est la plus viaile, vous savvy. Look at ELLA, ALMA, and see how she does it!

Mad. Vous marchez toujours-toujours, ALMA; tâchez donc de glisser un petit peu-c'est beaucoup plus facile !

Alma. Snay pas facile quand vous avez les skates toutes sur un côté comme moi, Ma'amzell!

F. M. Ne repondy à Ma'amzell, ALMA, and watch ELLA! Ella. Regardez-moi, ALMA. Je puis voler vite-oh, mais vite. . . oh, I have hurt myself so!

Alma (with sisterly sympathy). That's what comes of trying to show off, ELLA, darling! [ELLA is helped to the bank. A Paternal Skate-Fastener. 'Ere you are, Missie-set down on this 'ere cheer and you, too, my little dear lor, they won't do them cheers no 'arm, Mum, bless their little 'arts! Lemme tyke yer little skites orf, my pooties. I'll be keerful, Mum-got childring o' my own at 'ome-the moral o' your two, Mum! The F. M. (to Governess). Sayt un homme avec un bong ker.

Avez-vous-er-des cuivres, Ma'amzell?

The P. S. (disgustedly). Wot P-on'y two bloomin' browns fur tykin' the skites orf them two kids' trotters! I want a shellin' orf o' you fur that job, I do.. "Not another penny"? Well, if you do everythink as cheap as you do yer skiting, you orter be

[Rushes round the ring at a tremendous pace.

An Admiring Sweeper (following his movements with enthusiasm). Theer he goes-the Ornimental Skyter! Look at 'im a buzzin' round! Lor, it's a treat to see 'im_bowlin' 'em all over like a lot er bloomin' ninepins! Go it, ole FRANKY, my son-don't you stop to apollergise! Ah, there he goes on his nut agen! E don't care, not 'e! Orf he goes agin! That's another on 'em down, and ole FRANKY atop-'e'll 'ave the ring all to isself presently! Up agin! Oh, ain't he lovely! I never see his loike afore nowheres. Round yer go-that's the stoyle! My eyes, if he ain't upset another-a lydy this time-she's done 'er skytin fur the d'y, any 'ow! and ole FRANK knocked silly. Well, I ain't larfed ser much in all my life! [He is left laughing.

The Curate to his Slippers.
TAKE, oh take those boots away
That so nearly are out-worn;
And those shoes remove, I pray-
Pumps that but induce the corn;
But my slippers bring again,
Bring again-

Works of love, but worked in vain,
Worked in vain!

OUR Own First-class Clipper sends us the following from the
Manchester Guardian, Dec. 11th:-
GROCERY.-Wanted, a live Sugar Wrapper. Apply, &c.
SHOE
HOE TRADE.-Wanted, good Hand-sewn Men. Apply, &c.
Der sale. Apply by letter, stating experience, &c., to

RAPERY.-Wanted, for the first three weeks in January, several Men,

Would a Spirit Rapper be accepted for the first? and a man who had got a stitch in his side for the second? As for the third, there are so many people sold at Christmas time, that to provide a few men for sale would be no very difficult task.

NOTICE.-Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule

OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION.

DRAWING A BADGER.

VOCES POPULI.

AT THE REGENT STREET TUSSAUD'S.

Before the effigy of Dr. KоCH, who is represented in the act of examining a test-tube with the expression of bland blamelessness peculiar to Wax Models.

Well-informed Visitor. That's Dr. KocH, making his great discovery!

Unscientific V. What did he dis-
Cover ?

Well-inf. V. Why, the Consump-
tion Bacillus. He's got it in that
bottle he's holding up.

Unsc. V. And what's the good of it, now he has discovered it ?

Well-inf. V. Good? Why, it's the thing that causes consumption, you know!

Unsc. V. Then it's a pity he didn't leave it alone!

Before a Scene representing "The Home Life At Sandringham." First Old Lady (with Catalogue). It says here that "the note the page is handing may have come from Sir DIGHTON PROBYN, the Comptroller of the Royal Household." Fancy that!

Second Old Lady. He's brought it in in his fingers. Now that's a thing I never allow in my house. I always tell SARAH to bring all letters, and even circulars, in on a tray!

Before a Scene representing the late FRED ARCHER, mounted, on
Ascot Race-course.
4. Sportsman. H'm-ARCHER, eh? Shouldn't have backed his

mount in that race!

Before "The Library at Hawarden."

Gladstonian Enthusiast (to Friend, who, with the perverse ingenuity of patrons of Wax-works, has been endeavouring to identify the Rev. JOHN WESLEY among the Cabinet in Downing Street). Oh, never mind all that lot, BETSY; they're only the Gover'ment! Here's dear Mr. and Mrs. GLADSTONE in this next! See, he's lookin' for something in a drawer of his side-board-ain't that natural? And only look-a lot of people have been leaving Christmas cards on him (a pretty and touching tribute of affection, which is eminently characteristic of a warm-hearted Public). I wish I'd thought o' bringing one with me!

I don't care to stop to see them-that's play-actin', that is-and I don't 'old with it nohow! What are these two parties supposed to be doin' of over here? What-Cardinal NEWMAN and Cardinal MANNING at the High Altar at the Oratory, Brompton! Come along, and don't encourage Popery by looking at such figures. I did 'ear as they'd got Mrs. PEARCEY and the prambilator somewheres. I should like to see that, now.

IN THE CHILDREN'S GALLERY.

An Aunt (who finds the excellent Catalogue a mine of useful information). Look, BOBBY, dear (reading). "Here we have CONSTANTINE's Cat, as seen in the Nights of Straparola,' an Italian romancist, whose book was translated into French in the year 1585

"

Bobby (disappointed). Oh, then it isn't Puss in Boots!

A Genial Grandfather (pausing before" Crusoe and Friday"). Well, PERCY, my boy, you know who that is, at all events-eh?" Percy. I suppose it is STANLEY-but it's not very like.

The G. G. STANLEY!-Why, bless my soul, never heard of Robinson Crusoe and his man Friday?

Percy. Oh, I've heard of them, of course-they come in Pantomimes-but I like more grown-up sort of books myself, you know. Is this girl asleep She?

66

The G. G. No-at least-well, I expect it's The Sleeping Beauty." You remember her, of course-all about the ball, and the glass slipper, and her father picking a rose when the hedge grew round the palace, eh ?

Percy. Ah, you see, Grandfather, you had more time for general reading than we get. (He looks through a practicable cottage window.) Hallo, a Dog and a Cat. Not badly stuffed!

The G. G. Why that must be "Old Mother Hubbard." (Quoting from memory). Old Mother Hubbard sat in a cupboard, eating a Christmas pie-or a bone was it ?"

Percy. Don't know. It's not in Selections from British Poetry, which we have to get up for "rep."

The Aunt (reading from Catalogue). "The absurd ambulations of this antique person, and the equally absurd antics of her dog, need no recapitulation." Here's "Jack the Giant Killer" next. Listen, BOBBY, to what it says about him here. (Reads.) "It is clearly the last transmutation of the old British legend told by GEOFFREY of Monmouth, of CORINEUS the Trojan, the companion of the Trojan BRUTUS, when he first settled in Britain. But more than this"-I hope you're listening, BOBBY ?-" more than this, it is quite evident, even to the superficial student of Greek mythology, that many of the main incidents and ornaments are borrowed from the tales of HESIOD and HOMER." Think of that, now!

[BOBBY thinks of it, with depression. The G. G. (before figure of Aladdin's Uncle selling new lamps for old). Here you are, you see! "Ali Baba," got 'em all here, you see. Never read your "Arabian Nights," either! Is that the way they bring up boys nowadays!

Percy. Well, the fact is, Grandfather, that unless a fellow reads that kind of thing when he's young, he doesn't get a chance afterwards.

The Aunt (still quoting). "In the famous work," BOBBY, "by which we know MASUDI, he mentions the Persian Hezar Afsane-um-umum,-nor have commentators failed to notice that the occasion of the book written for the Princess HOMAI resembles the story told in the Persian Jew two or three centuries B.C." Well, I never knew Hebrew Bible about ESTHER, her mother or grandmother, by some that before! This is "Sindbad and the Old Man of the Sea"let's see what they say about him. (Reads.) "Both the story of Sindbad and the old Basque legend of Tartaro are undoubtedly borrowed from the Odyssey of HOMER, whose Iliad and Odyssey were translated into Syriac in the reign of HARUN-UR-RASHID." Dear, dear, how interesting, now! and, BOBBY, what do you think someone says about " Jack and the Beanstalk"? He says-"this tale is an allegory of the Teutonic Al-fader, the red hen representing the allproducing sun; the money bags, the fertilising rain; and the harp, the winds." Well, I'm sure it seems likely enough, doesn't it? [BOBBY suppresses a yawn; PERCY's feelings are outraged by receiving a tin trumpet from the Lucky Tub; general move to the scene of the Hampstead Tragedy.

Before the Hampstead Tableaux. Spectators. Dear, dear, there's the dresser, you see, and the window, broken and all; it's wonderful how they can do it! And there's poor Mrs. 'OGG-it's real butter and a real loaf she's cutting, and the poor baby, too!. Here's the actual casts taken after they were murdered. Oh, and there's Mrs. PEARCEY wheeling the perambulator-it's the very perambulator! No, not the very onethey've got that at the other place, and the piece of toffee the baby sucked. Have they really! Oh, we must try and go there, too, before the children's holidays are over. And this is all? Well, well, everything very nice, I will say. But a pity they couldn't get No-the real perambulator!

Her Friend. So do I. We might send one 'ere by post-but it'll have to be a New Year Card now!

4 Strict Old Lady (before next group). Who are these two? "Mr. 'ENERY IRVING, and Miss ELLEN TERRY in Faust, eh?