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TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS.

THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY. (As they will probably be advertised in the Press of the day after to-morrow.) January.-Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastio reception

en route. EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.- Reserved February:-Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at gallows seats, immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear Dover. Triumphant progress to London. view of the dying struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's March.-Imposing soene at the Guildhall. Acoeptance of the last confession ; Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's,

Freedom of the City. ditto, three guineas. (8 30 A.M.)

April.–Visits to the TRIAL AT THE OLD BALLEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband

provinces. Loud cheers poisoner. Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense

on every side, and onexcitement. A few special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable

limited hospitality,

THE SIGN (including "snack" luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and com

May.- Lion of the manding front view of the Judge when summing-up, and close sight

London Season. Bunof the prisoner's facial play during the passing of sentence, &c.

dreds of nightly invita(11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in their places not later than 10 30.).

tions. GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BEOTIA.- Addi

June.- Gaiety from tional Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great

OBSON

morning to night. Unicriminals from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital

versal recognition of Punishments in all Ages, with illustrations and demonstra

distinguished conduct. tions (3 P.M. and 7 P.M.) Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture

July. Phenomenal Chamber in full work. Grand Execution Tableaux,

$100ess of book of travels in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments

and adventures. inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c.

August. - Popularity (3 o'clock and 6:30.) Auto-da-at 2:30 and 7.

at its height everyAdmission One Shilling. Children under

wbere, save in town, eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats

which' now begins to (inolusive of all Shows) One Guinea.

empty. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand

September. - Slight persons, chiefly Ladies, passed the

reaction. Rejoinders turnstiles last Wednesday.)

begin to appear. PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMON

October. UnpleaSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL

santness on the inorease. SURGICAL SOCIETY'S Rooms.

Interviewing, letters to Exhibition of the droll

the papers, and sensaeffects of Curari upon

tional journalism genesubjects under the knife,

rally. and the actual oautery.

November. - DemonNo annoying noise, or

stration at the Lord disooncerting struggles!

Mayor's Show. Charges, Bulgarian Band will

counter - charges, and play Popular Pieces.

recrimination. First(3 P.M.)

rate A 1, go-as-youBULL FIGHT AT THE

please, strongly recomARCADIAN HALL.-Full

mended row. Spanish Programme this

December. Frosh day.. Absolutely no re

sensation (about strictions ! Serious ac

murder or a charitable cidents daily! Two

scheme) and everything Toreadors killed last PAYNES)

forgotten (if not for week, and seven seri

given) in time to observe ously injured. No deHISTORY

a Merry Christmas and ception ! Extra fierce

a Happy New Year. bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of

MEMOIRS HIGHLY SENSATIONAL

HOLIDAY TASKS SCENES ARENA !!! Admission,

THE NEW YEAR. 1s. to £5 58. Specially Reserved Front Seats for

TWARE

Emperor of R-18-1, Ladies, £7 78. (3 P.M.,

- To personally visit and 8.30.) LITERARY STARS."

Siberia. IMPERIAL PRONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.-Phono- King of It-ly:-To come to terms with the Vatican. graphio Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Emperor of G-rm-nv.-To stay at home. Criminals. Sobs and Hysterical attacks of Persons under trial King of P-rtug-1.-To accept the situation in Africa. (Women especially). Reports of Cases tried in Camera. Private President C-rn-t.-To forget the existence of Egypt. Conversations of parties to Causes Célèbres, &c., &o., &o. Highly King of Sp-n.- To master the difficulties of the Alpbabet. realistic revelations, and Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Emperor of 4-str-a.- Between Kingdom and Empire, to make Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.).

both ends meet. PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.- Now open daily. Admission Lord S-1-86-ry. - To prepare for the General Election. by private card only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is Mr. Gl-det-ne.—To explain Home Rale. compulsory), Two Guineas. Special coloured copies including repro- Lord R. Ch-rch-Ul.—To give up racing in favour of politics. duction of pictures in Special Art Sanctum, £10 10. (10 till opsy.) Mr. H. M. St-nl-y.-To re-write Darkest Africa.

GHOUL THEATRE. - The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, General B-th.-To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.
The Demon of Dahomey! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Mr. Sheriff A-9-86-8 H-rr-8.--To attend to his professional duties,
Five Acts, and a Special Death Dance Tablean!!! The Toilet! and get through his official work.
The Torture !! The Tub!!! Beauty upadorned and Bloodshed And Mr. Punch. To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a
Undisguised ! Mirth-moving Murders and Side-splitting Suicides ! century.
Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and Tremendous Thrills of
Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7 30. Commence at 8.

SUGGESTION FOR MR. W. B. AT THE T. R. 0.-Shonld Mr. W ICAO V Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9 30! BARRETT contemplate giving another Matinée of that out-of-date The Blood-Bath at 10 45 ! Death Dance Tableau at 115! play, The Lady of Lyons, why not change its title to The O.d Carriages at 11:10 !

Lady of Lyons? No extra charge for this suggestion. Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still crowded with the élite of Fashion! Be in time!!!

GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.–Police Protection to Tim HEALY.

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VOCES POPULI.

THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY,
SCENE- The Library of a Country-House ; the tables and chairs are

heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all kinds,
which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while the men
rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded corner,

Mr. NIGHTINGALE and Miss Rose are conversing in whispers. Mr. Whipster (Stage-Manager and Organiser-self-appointed). No-but I say, really, you know, we must try and decide on something-we've been out half an hour, and the people will be getting impatient! (To the Ladies.) Do come and help; it's really no use dressing up till we've settled what we're going to do. Can't anybody think of a good Word ?

Miss Larkspur. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange, and it was awfully good-just like a regular Comedy !

Mr. Whipster. Ah, but we've got to hit on a Word first. Come -nobody got an idea ? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over there, you know. I hope you and Miss Rose have been putting

heads together Mr. Nightingale (confused). Eh?_No, nothing of the sort! Oh,

, ah h-yes,

we've thought of a lot of Words. Miss Rose. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again!

[They resume their conversation. Mr. Wh. Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't you give us a Word ?

Chorus of Ladies. Oh, do, Professor-you're sure to think of something clever !

Professor Pollen (modestly). Well, really, I've so little experience in these matters that- A Word has just occurred to me, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet with approval-(he beams at them with modest pride through his spectacles)-it's “Monocotyledonous."

Chorus of Ladies. Charming! Monocottle —Oh, can't we do that?

Man Mr. Wh. (dubiously). We might-but-er—what's it mean? Prof. Pollen. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant which has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with two are termed Mr. Wh. I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only

MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA." seed-lobe myself-and then the syllables- mon","oh": "cot "-" till "-we shouldn't get done before midnight, you know ! Mr. Whipster (huffily). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with

Prof. Pollen. (With mild pique). Well, I merely threw it out as a the audience-I'm no use here! suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I Mr. Pushington. Oh, 'yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my conwas wrong; no doubt.

fidential butler, and show the patients in. Mr. Settee (nervously). I've thought of a word. How would-er [Mr. W. accepts-with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that other "Familiar" do ?

people can act as well as he.
Mr. Wh. (severely). Now, really, SETTEE, do try not to footle like
this!
[Mr. SETTEE subsides amidst general disapproval.

AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE.
Mr. Flinders. (With a flash of genius). I've got it-Gamboge! Mr. Pushington. Seemed to drag a little, somehow!

There was no Mr. Wh. Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:- necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A "Gam"-"booge." How do you see it yourself?

Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much! [Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see it, and Mr. Whipster. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to the suggestion is allowed to drop.

put some fun in somewhere! Miss Pelagia Rhys. I've an idea. Familiar! "Fame”-“ill”. Mr. P. Well, you might have put it where someone could see it. liar," you know.

[Chorus of applause. Nobody laughed. Mr. Wh. Capital! The very thing-congratulate yon, Miss Ruys! Professor Pollen. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I Mr. Settee (sotto voce). But I say, look here, I suggested that, was describing my symptoms--which I can vouch for as scientifically you know, and you said,

correct-you persisted in kicking my legs under the table--it was Mr. Wh. (ditto). What on earth does it matter who suggests it, so unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful! long as it's right Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (Aloud.) How are we Mr. Pushington. I was only trying to hint to you that as there going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh ? [Mr. SETTEE sulks. were a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview

Mr. Pushington. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a short, Professor-that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour. Poet, and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making

Miss Buckram. If I had known the kind of questions you were a lot of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing going to ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have the Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it..

exposed myself to them. I say no more, but I must positively decline [He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat inside to appear with you again. out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by way of

Mr. Pushington. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets indicating the eccentricity of genius ; the Ladies adorn them- carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c., sc. selves with a similar regard to realism, and even more care --until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified.) Now then-last syllable. for appearances.

Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and all of you AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE,

come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed

screamingly fanny! by faint applause.

AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE. Mr. Pushington. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (No response.) Mr. Pushington. Muddled? Of course it was muddled-you all You might have played up to me a little more than you did-you called me a liar before I opened my mouth ! others. You let me do everything!

The Rest. But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we Miss Larkspur. You never let any of us get a word in!

had to bring the Word in somehow. Mr. Pushington. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Pushington. Bring it in ?-but you needn't have let it out. There Now then-"ill.” I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to was SETTEE there, shouting." liar" till he was black in the face. We me one by one, and say you're ill-see?

must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again [Attires himself for the role of a Physician in a dressing-gown (muttering). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't and an old yeomanry helmet.

understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves!

AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. General Murmur. What can it be? Not Turk, I suppose, or Magician P-Quarrelling P-Parnellite ?-Impertinence ? Shall we MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr.JERUMKY give it up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if JERUM,” is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, we don't, they'l do another; and it is getting 60 late, and such a entitled Told After Šupper. What he wants, that is, what he long drive home.. Oh, they're

all coming back,

then it is over. No, ought to have whether he indeed, we can't imagine. Familiar ! To be sure-how clever, wants it or not, is judicious and how well you all acted it, to be sure—you must be quite tired editing. Had this process after it all. I am sure we-hem-are deeply indebted to you. been applied to this eccenMy dear Miss Rose, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I tric haphazardy book, never recognised you a bit, nor you, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part scarcely more than a third did you take ?

of it would have been pubMr. Nightingale. I-er-didn't take any particular part-wasn't lished. “His style, in this wanted, you know.

book at least, and, for my Miss Rose. Not to act,-80 we stayed outside and-and-arranged part,” says the Baron, “I things.

say the same of his Three An Old Lady. Indeed ? Then you had all the hard work, and none Men in a Țub, suggests the of the pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid.

idea of his writing being Miss Rose (sweetly). Oh no. I mean yes !—but we didn't mind it the work of a young man much.

who, among his companions

Toll’d after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy. The O. L. And which of you settled what the Word was to be ? and admirers, has earned the reputation of being a 'denced funny Mr. N. Well, I believe we settled that together.

chap,' and so has to struggle to live up to this reputation, or to live [Carriages are announced ; departure of guests who are not of it down.” JERUMKY JERUM still somewhat affects Yankee humour,

the house-party. In the Smoking-room, Mr. PUSHINGTON not, however, in so forced and vulgar a manner as in his overdiscovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the praised Three Men in a Boat. Two of the Ghost Stories are other men, and puts it down to jealousy.

humorous, but their setting

is unworthy of them. Had they been introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very

palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET.

pight) brought in his story of Tom Smart, and of the inimitable

Gabriel Grub, their mirth-raising value would have been considerWe held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our ably enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels-sandwich'd in principel Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Cop-between heavy slabs of doughy material-stand a chance of not perashun, and may it furrish for ewer !" with 3 times 3, and one being tasted. To anyone who comes across the book the Baron says,

cheer more for the bewtifool LADY MARESS," read about the Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and
and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, Emily. The tinted paper on which it is printed is a mistake, as
we Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows are also most of the amatearish illustrations."
our dooty to the fairer and weaker sects Woman-not“ lovely woman" who “stoops to folly”-nor woman
qạite as well as ewen Aldermen their who in our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please, But
selves. I next perposed the City Livvery Woman, the weekly Woman who is doing uncommonly well and
Compnys,

in a speech, as BROWN said, as in her fifty-third number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea ort for to be printed and sircculated. I of a Christmas dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very had serttenly given a good deal of atention good and simple dinner it was. The same Woman gaye also, among to it, and praps shood have dun ewen a variety of next-day's treatments of Turkey, Turkey in Aspic. better if I hadn't quite forgot ewery word Turkey in Europe, and Turkey in Asia-yes—but what about

of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly, Turkey in Aspio"? It doesn't look well; much better in French. st was all about the lots of money as they But we dare say it's very good, though, for breakfast or supper,

gives away. Bat I remembred all about "devilled Turkey” is hard to beat.” their lovly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting to my I have been trying to read LEIGH Hunt. His Biography intehordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion, rested me muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guy the most nobly scrumpsbus

writings, though I do not Dinners of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood nate

remember ever having heard rally cause a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too deli

the titles of his works mencat and xquisit a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was

tioned, that, when a neatwerry considerabel diffrens of opinion about their warious choice

looking volume was sent me wines, but all agreed in praising them werry hily, but ewen more,

by Messrs. PATERSON & Co. the trew libberality with which they was served, and not poured

of Leigh Hunt's Tales, I out so close as to make the pore Waiter's dooty a thirsty and

anticipated great pleasure tanterlising one indeed.

from their perusal. Alas! We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not

the pleasure was only in forgettin the gentlemanly Manager of the truly “Grand,” as ewery

anticipation. I have tried, body knows as is anybody, and drank to their great success, for

as the song says, “A little werry ewident reesons.

bit here, and a little bit Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the

Goblins.

there Here bit, reckless ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say,

There a bit, And everyas how as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was where a bit,”—but, hang me, says the Baron, if I can tackle any to hintroduce_pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely one of them. The

matter doesn't interest me, and the style doesn't called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more fascinate me. This may be rank heresy, but I can't help it. I manly employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly have tried, and failed. Well, better to have tried, and failed, than forgave himmore specially as he stands six foot one in his never to have tried at all. But I shan't try again,-at least, not stookings, let alone his boots. However he made up for his bad on this collection of Tales.

BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. manners by singing with his capital voice, his new Song of “ Old Robert the Waiter," being a rayther complementary Parody, as he called it, apon Old Simon the Cellerer," which was receeved with emense aplause. So he gave, as an arncore, the Waiter's favrite PARS ABOUT PICTURES.-A good collection of pictures and soulpGlee of Mynear Van

Dunk," with its fine conwincing moral against ture-including works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, Onslow FORD, Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish.

ALFRED GILBERT, W. L. WYLLIE, and others-is on view at the BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by Royal Aroade Gallery,

Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for singing his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and the benefit of the family of R. A. LEDWARD, the clever young we sort our seweral nupshal conches as happy and contented a lot as sculptor, who died only a few weeks ago. Lots more to say, but his Lordship hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the you won't stand it, and will probably say, “Par! si bête !So no follering sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May more at present from yours par-entally,

OLD PAR. all the well to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a Crismus as we have en ed to-night, and may they all give a kind thort, and a liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.-A Sheriff's Officer: a wants it this bitter weather.

ROBERT. Writ-ualist.

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A FORECAST FOR 1891. (Being some Extracts from the Gloomy Outlooker's Diary.)

October.-The great strike of everybody commenoes. Nothing to be got anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament meet the "food” crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative Society, and bring up their own cattle to London. Being, however, unable to kill them professionally without the aid of a butcher, they blow them up with gunpowder, and divide them with a steamscythe, for which proceedings they are somewhat malicioqsly prosecuted by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

November.-The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, several Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a tour of their immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, thereby realising a very handsome sum in halfpence from a not unsympathetic public.

December.- First signs of a probable second edition of a “good old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence. Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police.' 1891 terminates in gloomy despair.

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EDWIN AND ANGELINA.

(One More Version.)
DEAR MĘ. PUNCH,–1 beg of you to hear my tale of woe,
My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know ;
How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted,
And I am left to shed a tear-alone, and broken-hearted.
We were engaged for eighteen months-he

often said that life
Would not be worth the living, if I would

not be his wife.

My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him,
MU

silken tangle,"

He'd given me his photograph, and such a Old Sol. “Happy New Year, Mr. Punch !”

lovely bangle! Mr. P. “Hope we shall see something more of you in future !" January.-Continuation of “good old-fashioned winter." London I had called upon his mother, and had often “snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses,

stayed to teathe fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 158. Milk, 108. She said that Edwin had, indeed, a lucky A the half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to

catch in me. secure the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out I thought him quite a model youth-hard-working, loyal, steady, the Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, “Your own, own EDDY." coals. The Three per Cents go down to 35.

Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known February. - Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis Than when Edwin calls his darling ANGELINA his “own own.” makes progress. Sir EDWARD Watkin gets his line through Lords, It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely, crosses Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, “Yours only." centre terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm, mile in Piccadilly, at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine

Cracking But

it looked suspicious when next time he only put, “ Yours ever.” March.--Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean muoh harm; Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital.

He only called me darling once ! how different from before! April.-Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden mure) ? metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen And was he tired of me-the girl he loved so fondly, dearly? waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire It could not be! And then he wrote, “I am, Yours most sincerely." brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish the Hames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the Yes —was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove? holders of gas shares.

You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love ! May.-The Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly, stage. The “Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League” That in his next the "most " was gone, and he was mine sincerely." being patted on the back by philanthropists, formulate their pro- Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast gramme, and seize the Stock Exchange and the Mansion House. Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best; June. The “Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter And, after all, such things as these ought not

to weigh unduly, stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of But it was more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly." England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation to celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in return- The truth was clear-I quickly sent him back his lovely cartes, ing thanks for the Arts

and Sciences," says he thinks“ the takings" His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts. of their hosts must have been “enormous.

I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarriedJuly.-Results of Gen. BOOTH's “Darkest England” scheme. And then I found out everything; alas ! the wretch was married Triumphant return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed so here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know, themselves immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go., having another innings at "the way out.”

And if you know, dear Mr. Punch, a husband, say you've seen a August. - The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to Nice girl, who'a 'make him happy and whose name is stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the hundred

ANGELINA. ton guns which,." by some oversight" being loaded, sends a shell into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, bursting itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of a letter in WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH P - Under the the Times from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the matter will beneficent influence of the early coal dews-subsequently spelt coal be “the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department. dues-which have existed from the earliest times, City and Metro

September. – A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several politan Improvements have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks Hotchkiss guns with their guests asked down to the shooting, to ignorant, but well-meaning County, Counoillors, the coal dues exceed the known figures of any previous battue to such an extent being abolished, op goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there that birds sell in Bond Street at 31. a brace, with the result that the is no surplus for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of whole of Scotland is/said to be completely cleared of game for the coal dues were considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus, next seven years.

“Hard times, come again once more!”

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PRIG-STICKING. Lillle Prigson. “A ! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST OBJ&CCIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND ; BUT HIS SIETAU'S QUITE THE NICEST GIRL I EVER MET.

Aunt Eliza. “DEAR ME! WAAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD THE DECESOY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL EXCHP'TION IN FAVOUR OF PRESENT COMPANY ".

Cousin Maud. “YES ; IN BOTH CASES, YOU KNOW !"

Under the Mistletoe Bough "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

He never kissed maid, but somehow

Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine
Mr. Punch, loquitur :-

With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine. A HAPPY New Year! I should think so, my boy,

No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch, Tossed thus in the arms of your Ponchy right cheerils,

(Though sometimes my bátor must play-on rogues' shoulders.) Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy,

Love's

rather too apt to be left in the lurch At least, you're

beginning most merrily. Under the Mistletoe Bough

By Orbilian smiters and scolders.

Under the Mistletoe Bough
You make a good start, anyhow.

A kiss is best treatment, I trow.
With a kiss from the lips that can never betray,

A salute from the lips of your Punch you'll not spurn,' Thero's many a girl would be greeted that way!

And the young guests around you shall each take a turn. You 're welcome, my lad! It is Punch's old style

The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear, To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers ;

There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon, In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile,

But-well, you 're a chubby and rosy Young Year,
His warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers !

As ever your PONCHY set eyes on.
Under the Mistletoe Bough

Under the Mistletoe Bough
Al doldrums are bosh and bow-wow.

You look mighty kissablo-now.
He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl,

So here goes another, for luck like, my dear, Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul.

As we wish everybody A Happy New Year! Sursum corda! That motto 's the best of the bunch ;

Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your peoker. Old Morality's Christmas Card and New Year Wishes. Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from Punch,

This communication is designed to convey the expression of the Never helped one in heart or exchequer.

wish that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those Under the Mistletoe Bough

pot distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed You cannot do better, I vow,

a season of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule,

months, upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with As your very first tip in your very first school.

Happiness.

(Signed) W. H. S. Don't look like a pedagogue, do I,

Henley-on-Thames, Nero Year's Eve, 1890. lad?

my And indeed I am not an Orhilius Plagosus, Like him who made juvenile FLACCO8 80 sad.

THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the How well the Venusian knows us!

title and name of BISHOP King.

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