TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS. (As they will probably be advertised in the Press of the day after to-morrow.) EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.-Reserved gallows seats, immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear view of the dying struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's last confession; Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, ditto, three guineas. (8.30 A.M.) TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husbandpoisoner. Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense excitement. A few special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable (including "snack" luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding front view of the Judge when summing-up, and close sight of the prisoner's facial play during the passing of sentence, &c. (11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in their places not later than 10 30) GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOOTIA.-Additional Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminals from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital Punishments in all Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations (3 P.M. and 7 P.M.) Old Newgate. Medieval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand Execution Tableaux, in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. (3 o'clock and 6'30) Auto-da-Fé at 2:30 and 7. Admission One Shilling. Children under eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats (inclusive of all Shows) One Guinea. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand persons, chiefly Ladies, passed the turnstiles last Wednesday.) PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SURGICAL SOCIETY'S ROOMS. Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon subjects under the knife, and the actual cautery. No annoying noise, or disconcerting struggles! Bulgarian Band will play Popular Pieces. (3 P.M.) BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.-Full Spanish Programme this day. Absolutely no restrictions! Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors killed last week, and seven seriously injured. No deception! Extra fierce bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of HIGHLY SENSATIONAL SCENES IN THE ARENA!!! Admission, 18. to £5 58. Specially Reserved Front Seats for Ladies, £7 78. (3 P.M., and 8:30.) 66 LITERARY IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.-Phonographic Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Criminals. Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial (Women especially). Reports of Cases tried in Camera. Private Conversations of parties to Causes Célèbres, &c., &c., &c. Highly realistic revelations, and Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.) PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.-Now open daily. Admission by private card only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is compulsory), Two Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction of pictures in Special Art Sanctum, £10 10s. (10 till 4 only.) GHOUL THEATRE.-The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demon of Dahomey! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and a Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!! Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders and Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and Tremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7 30. Commence at 8. Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9:30! Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still crowded with the élite of Fashion! Be in time!!! April.-Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and unlimited hospitality. May.-Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations. June.-Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of distinguished conduct. July. Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures. August.-Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which now begins to empty. September. Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear. October. Unplea santness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to the papers, and sensational journalism generally. November.-Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges, counter-charges, and recrimination. Firstrate A 1, go-as-youplease, strongly recommended row. December. Fresh sensation (about murder or a charitable scheme) and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. HOLIDAY TASKS FOR Emperor of R-8-a. STARS." King of P-rtug-1.-To accept the situation in Africa. Lord S-l-sb-ry.-To prepare for the General Election. Lord R. Ch-rch-ll.-To give up racing in favour of politics. And Mr. P-nch.-To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a century. SUGGESTION FOR MR. W. B. AT THE T. R. O.-Should Mr. WILSON BARRETT contemplate giving another Matinée of that out-of-date play, The Lady of Lyons, why not change its title to The O.d Lady of Lyons? No extra charge for this suggestion. GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.-Police Protection to TIM HEALY. VOCES POPULI. THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY. SCENE-The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs are heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all kinds, which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while the men rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded corner, Mr. NIGHTINGALE and MISS ROSE are conversing in whispers. Mr. Whipster (Stage-Manager and Organiser-self-appointed). No-but I say, really, you know, we must try and decide on something-we've been out half an hour, and the people will be getting impatient! (To the Ladies.) Do come and help; it's really no use dressing up till we've settled what we're going to do. Can't anybody think of a good Word? Miss Larkspur. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange, and it was awfully good-just like a regular Comedy! Mr. Whipster. Ah, but we've got to hit on a Word first. Come -nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over there, you know. I hope you and Miss Rose have been putting your heads together? Mr. Nightingale (confused). Eh ? No, nothing of the sort! Oh, ah-yes, we've thought of a lot of Words. Miss Rose. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again! [They resume their conversation. Mr. Wh. Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't you give us a Word? Chorus of Ladies. Oh, do, Professor-you're sure to think of something clever! Professor Pollen (modestly). Well, really, I've so little experience in these matters that A Word has just occurred to me, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet with approval-(he beams at them with modest pride through his spectacles)-it's "Monocotyledonous." Chorus of Ladies. Charming! Monocottle-Oh, can't we do that ? Mr. Wh. (dubiously). We might-but-er-what's it mean? Prof. Pollen. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant which has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with two are termed one Mr. Wh. I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only seed-lobe myself-and then the syllables-mon "-"oh""cot"-" till "-we shouldn't get done before midnight, you know! Prof. Pollen. (With mild pique). Well, I merely threw it out as a suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I was wrong; no doubt. Mr. Settee (nervously). I've thought of a word. How would-er -"Familiar" do? Mr. Wh. (severely). Now, really, SETTEE, do try not to footle like this! [Mr. SETTEE subsides amidst general disapproval. Mr. Flinders. (With a flash of genius). I've got it-Gamboge! Mr. Wh. Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:"Gam"-"booge." How do you see it yourself? [Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see it, and the suggestion is allowed to drop. Miss Pelagia Rhys. I've an idea. Familiar! "Fame"-" ill""liar," you know. [Chorus of applause. Mr. Wh. Capital! The very thing-congratulate you, Miss RHYS! Mr. Settee (sotto voce). But I say, look here, I suggested that, you know, and you said! Mr. Wh. (ditto). What on earth does it matter who suggests it, so long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (Aloud.) How are we going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE sulks. Mr. Pushington. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet, and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it. MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA." Mr. Whipster (huffily). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with the audience-I'm no use here! Mr. Pushington. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential butler, and show the patients in. [Mr. W. accepts-with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that other people can act as well as he. AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE. Mr. Pushington. Seemed to drag a little, somehow! There was no necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much! Mr. Whipster. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to put some fun in somewhere! Mr. P. Well, you might have put it where someone could see it. Nobody laughed. Professor Pollen. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I was describing my symptoms-which I can vouch for as scientifically correct-you persisted in kicking my legs under the table-it was unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful! Mr. Pushington. I was only trying to hint to you that as there were a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview short, Professor-that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour. Miss Buckram. If I had known the kind of questions you were going to ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have exposed myself to them. I say no more, but I must positively decline to appear with you again. Mr. Pushington. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets [He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat inside AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE. The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed Mr. Pushington. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (No response.) You might have played up to me a little more than you did-you others. You let me do everything! Miss Larkspur. You never let any of us get a word in! Mr. Pushington. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Now then-"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to me one by one, and say you're ill-see? [Attires himself for the role of a Physician in a dressing-gown and an old yeomanry helmet. until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified.) Now then-last syllable. Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and all of you come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that screamingly fanny! AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE. Mr. Pushington. Muddled? Of course it was muddled-you all called me a liar before I opened my mouth! The Rest.-But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we had to bring the Word in somehow. Pushington. Bring it in ?-but you needn't have let it out. There was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again (muttering). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves! חי AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE. General Murmur. What can it be? Not Turk, I suppose, or Magician ?-Quarrelling ?-Parnellite ?-Impertinence? Shall we give it up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if we don't, they'll do another; and it is getting so late, and such a long drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, indeed, we can't imagine. "Familiar!" To be sure-how clever, and how well you all acted it, to be sure you must be quite tired after it all. I am sure we-hem-are deeply indebted to you. My dear Miss Rose, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I never recognised you a bit, nor you, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part did you take? Mr. Nightingale. I-er-didn't take any particular part-wasn't wanted, you know. Miss Rose. Not to act,- -so we stayed outside and-and-arranged things. An Old Lady. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none of the pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid. Miss Rose (sweetly). Oh no. I mean yes!-but we didn't mind it much. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY JERUM," is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, entitled Told After Supper. What he wants, that is, what he ought to have whether he wants it or not, is judicious editing. Had this process been applied to this eccentric haphazardy book, scarcely more than a third of it would have been published. "His style, in this book at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I say the same of his Three Men in a Tub, suggests the idea of his writing being the work of a young man who, among his companions Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy. and admirers, has earned the reputation of being a deuced funny chap,' and so has to struggle to live up to this reputation, or to live it down." JERUMKY JERUM still somewhat affects Yankee humour, not, however, in so forced and vulgar a manner as in his overpraised Three Men in a Boat. Two of the Ghost Stories are humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they been introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's night) brought in his story of Tom Smart, and of the inimitable Gabriel Grub, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels-sandwich'd in Cop-between heavy slabs of doughy material-stand a chance of not being tasted. To anyone who comes across the book the Baron says, read about the Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and EMILY. The tinted paper on which it is printed is a mistake, as are also most of the amateurish illustrations." The O. L. And which of you settled what the Word was to be? ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET. WE held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principel Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old perashun, and may it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the bewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer and weaker sects WOMAN-not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly "-nor woman quite as well as ewen Aldermen their- who in our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But selves. I next perposed the City Livvery Woman, the weekly Woman who is doing uncommonly well and Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as in her fifty-third number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea ort for to be printed and sircculated. I of a Christmas dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very had serttenly given a good deal of atention good and simple dinner it was. The same Woman gave also, among to it, and praps shood have dun ewen a variety of next-day's treatments of Turkey, Turkey in Aspic. better if I hadn't quite forgot ewery word Turkey in Europe, and Turkey in Asia-yes-but what about of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly," Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't look well; much better in French. SM was all about the lots of money as they But we dare say it's very good, though, for breakfast or supper, gives away. But I remembred all about "devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat." their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting to my I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography intehordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion, rested me muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinners of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally cause a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat and xquisit a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was werry considerabel diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with which they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the pore Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed. We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettin the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody knows as is anybody, and drank to their great success, for werry ewident reesons. Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the reckless ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, as how as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was to hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more manly employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly forgave him, more specially as he stands six foot one in his stockings, let alone his boots. However he made up for his bad manners by singing with his capital voice, his new Song of "Old Robert the Waiter," being a rayther complementary Parody, as he called it, upon "Old Simon the Cellerer," which was receeved with emense aplause. So he gave, as an arncore, the Waiter's favrite Glee of Mynear Van Dunk," with its fine conwincing moral against Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish. 66 BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by singing his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and we sort our seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as his Lordship hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the follering sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May all the well to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a Crismus as we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind thort, and a liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly wants it this bitter weather. writings, though I do not remember ever having heard the titles of his works mentioned, that, when a neatlooking volume was sent me by Messrs. PATERSON & Co. of Leigh Hunt's Tales, I anticipated great pleasure from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in Ranticipation. I have tried, as the song says, A little bit here, and a little bit there · Here a bit, There a bit, And every 66 where a bit,"-but, hang me, says the Baron, if I can tackle any PARS ABOUT PICTURES.-A good collection of pictures and sculpture-including works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD, ALFRED GILBERT, W. L. WYLLIE, and others-is on view at the Royal Arcade Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for the benefit of the family of R. A. LEDWARD, the clever young sculptor, who died only a few weeks ago. Lots more to say, but you won't stand it, and will probably say, "Par! si bête!" more at present from yours par-entally, So no OLD PAR. LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.-A Sheriff's Officer: a ROBERT. Writ-ualist. A FORECAST FOR 1891. (Being some Extracts from the Gloomy Outlooker's Diary.) Old Sol. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!" Mr. P. "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!" January.-Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter.' London "snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses, the fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 158. Milk, 10s. the half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to secure the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out the Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of coals. The Three per Cents go down to 35. October.-The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to be got anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament meet the "food" crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative Society, and bring up their own cattle to London. Being, however, unable to kill them professionally without the aid of a butcher, they blow them up with gunpowder, and divide them with a steamscythe, for which proceedings they are somewhat maliciously prosecuted by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. November. The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, several Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a tour of their immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, thereby realising a very handsome sum in halfpence from a not unsympathetic public. "good December.-First signs of a probable second edition of a old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence. Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891 terminates in gloomy despair. I February.-Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords, crosses Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large centre terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a mile in Piccadilly. March. Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played I at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital. April.-Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish the flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the holders of gas shares. said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me. A thought him quite a model youth-hard-working, loyal, steady, May.-The Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute June. The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter 66 enormous. August.-The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the hundredton guns which, “by some oversight" being loaded, sends a shell into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, bursting itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of a letter in the Times from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the matter will be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department. September. A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several Hotchkiss guns with their guests asked down to the shooting, exceed the known figures of any previous battue to such an extent that birds sell in Bond Street at 3d. a brace, with the result that the whole of Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the next seven years. Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best; I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried- You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go. ANGELINA. WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH ?-Under the beneficent influence of the early coal dews-subsequently spelt coal dues-which have existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan Improvements have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks to ignorant, but well-meaning County, Councillors, the coal dues being abolished, up goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there is no surplus for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of coal dues were considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus, "Hard times, come again once more!" " PRIG-STICKING. Little Prigson. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS SIETAH'S QUITE THE NICEST GIRL I EVER MET.' Aunt Eliza. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF PRESENT COMPANY!" Cousin Maud, "YES; IN BOTH CASES, YOU KNOW!" "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Mr. Punch, loquitur : A HAPPY New Year? I should think so, my boy, You make a good start, anyhow. You're welcome, my lad! It is Punch's old style To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers; In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile, His warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers! All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow. Sursum corda! That motto's the best of the bunch; Under the Mistletoe Bough He never kissed maid, but somehow Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine. No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch, (Though sometimes my baton must play-on rogues' shoulders.) Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch By Orbilian smiters and scolders. A kiss is best treatment, I trow. A salute from the lips of your Punch you'll not spurn, The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear, There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon, You look mighty kissable-now. So here goes another, for luck like, my dear, Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker. Old Morality's Christmas Card and New Year Wishes. Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from Punch, Never helped one in heart or exchequer. Under the Mistletoe Bough You cannot do better, I vow, Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule, Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad? THIS Communication is designed to convey the expression of the wish that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those not distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed a season of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve months, upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with Happiness. (Signed) W. H. S. Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve, 1890. THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the title and name of BISHOP KING. |