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SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.
No. I.-THE CLASSICAL SCHOLAR IN REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES.

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Here he leaves you with every indication of disgust and disappointment, and you will probably hear him indulging in unclassical vituperation on the landing.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

being as novel as it is effective, attracted the attention of the wily first sight of your kind friendly face told me I should not lack. Pore and observant DRURIOLANUS, who mentally booked the effect as some- as I am, I still 'ave my pride, the pride of a English gentleman, and thing startlingly new and original for his next Pantomime. The if you was to orfer me a sovereign as you sit there, I should fling it in combat between the Saxon Slogger, very much out of training, and the fire-ah, I should-'urt and indignant at the hinsult!" (Here the Norman Nobbler, rather over-trained as the result proved, is you will probably assure him that you have no intention of outraging decidedly exciting, and the Nobbler would be backed at long odds. his feelings in any such manner.) "No, and why, Sir? Because you Altogether, the whole show was thoroughly appreciated by 'ave a gentlemanly 'art, and if you were to make sech a orfer, you WAMBA JUNIOR. would do it in a kindly Christian spirit which would rob it of all offence. There's not many as I would bring myself to accept a paltry sovereign from, but I dunno-I might from one like yourself-I might Ord hignara mali, miseris succurreary disco, as the old philosopher says. You 'ave that kind of way with you.' (You mildly intimate that he is mistaken here, and take the opportunity of touching the You are, let us say, a young professional man in chambers or bell). "No, Sir, don't be untrue to your better himpulses. 'Ave a offices, incompetently guarded by an idiot boy whom you dare not feelin 'art, Sir! Don't send me away, after allowing me to waste my trust with the responsibility of denying you to strangers. You hear time 'ere-which is of value to me, let me tell yer, whatever yours is! a knock at your outer door, followed by conversation in the clerk's like this! Well, well, there's 'ard people in this world? I'm room, after which your salaried idiot announces, "A Gentleman to going, Sir... I 'ave sufficient dignity to take a 'int... You see you." Enter a dingy and dismal little man in threadbare black,'aven't got even a trifle to spare an old University Scholar in redooced who advances with an air of mysterious importance. "I think," he circumstances then?... Ah, it's easy to see you ain't been at a begins, "I'ave the pleasure of speaking to Mr. (whatever your University yourself-you ain't got the hair of it! Farewell, Sir, and name is.) "I take the liberty of calling, Mr. to consult you on a may your lot in life be 'appier than- -All right, don't hexcite yourself. matter of the utmost importance, and I shall feel personally obliged if I've bin mistook in yer, that's all. I thought you was as soft-edded you will take precautions for our conversation not being over'eard." a young mug as you look. Open that door, will yer; I want to get He looks grubby for a client-but appearances are deceptive, and out of this 'ole ! "' you offer him a seat, assuring him that he may speak with perfect security-whereupon he proceeds in a lowered voice. The story I am about to reveal," he says, smoothing a slimy tall hat, "is of a nature so revolting, so 'orrible in its details, that I can 'ardly bring myself to speak it to any 'uming ear!", (Here you will probably prepare to THE Baron is delighted with MONTAGU WILLIAMS's third volume take notes.) "You see before you one who is of Reminiscences, published by MACMILLAN & Co. His cheery afterof 'igh birth but low circumstances!" (At dinner conversational style of telling capital stories is excellent. He this, you give him up as a possible client, but is not writing a a mixture of diffidence and curiosity compels book, he is talking you to listen.) Yes, Sir, I was fruges con- to us; he is telling sumeary nati.' I'ave received a neducation us a series of good more befitting a dook than my present_con- things, and, quoth dition. Nursed in the lap of haffluence, I was the Baron, let me trained to fill the lofty position which was to advise you to light have been my lot. But necessitas,' Sir, as your cigar and sit you are aware, necessitas non abat lejim,' and down in your armsuch I found it. While still receiving a clas- chair before the sical education at Cambridge College-(praps fire, as not only do you are yourself an alumbus of Halma Mater? you not wish to No? I apologise, Sir, I'm sure) but while interrupt him, preparing to take my honorary degree, my even with a query, Father suddenly enounced the horful news but you feel inthat he was a bankrup'. Strip of all we pos-clined to say, as sessed, we were turned out of our sumchuous the children do 'ome upon the cold world, my Father's grey when, seated 'airs were brought down sorrowing to sang-round you in the wintry twilight, they have been listening to a story widge boards, though he is still sang win of which has deeply interested them-"Go on, please, tell us another!" paying off his creditors in time out of what The following interpolated "aside," most characteristic of MONTAGU he can put by from his scanty hearnings. My poor dear Mother-a WILLIAMS's life-like conversational manner of telling a story, occurs lady born and bred-sank by slow degrees to a cawfy-stall, which is now at page 8, where giving an account of a robbery, of which he himself morgidged to the 'ilt, and my eldest Sister, a lovely and accomplished was the victim, and telling how a thief asked to be shown up to his, the gairl, was artlessly thrown over by a nobleman, to 'oom she was narrator's room, he says, "The porter, like a fool, gave his consent." engaged to be married, before our reverses overtook us. His name The interpolated like a fool," carries the jury, tells the whole the delikit hinstinks of a gentleman will forbid you to inquire, as story, and wins admiration for the sufferer, who is the real hero of likewise me to mention-enough to 'int that he occupies a prominent the tale. But beyond the book's merit as an interesting and amusing position amongst the hupper circles of Society, and is frequently to be companion, it contains some valuable practical suggestions for met with in the papers. His faithlessness preyed on my Sister's relieving the ordinary distress in the poorest districts which ought to mind to that degree, that she is now in the Asylum, a nopeless receive attention in the highest quarters. maniac! My honely Brother was withdrawn from 'Arrow, and now 'as the yumiliation of selling penny toys on the kerbstone to his former play fellers. Tantee nannymice salestibus hira,' indeed, Sir! "But you ask what befell myself." (You have not-for the simple reason that, even if you desired information, he has given you no chance, as yet, of putting in a word.) "Ah, Sir, there you 'ave me on a tender point. Hakew tetigisti,' if I may venture once more upon a scholarly illusion. But l'ave resolved to conceal nothing-nobleman, when she sensibly accepts a considerable sum of money, and you shall 'ear. For a time I obtained employment as Seckertary and Imanuensis to a young baranit, 'oo had been the bosom friend of my College days. He would, I know, have used his influence with Goverment to obtain me a lucritive post; but, alas, 'ere he could do so, unaired sheets, coupled with deliket 'elth, took him off premature, and I was once more thrown on my own resources.

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"In conclusion, Sir, you 'ave doubtless done me the hinjustice to expect, from all I 'ave said, that my hobjick in obtaining this interview was to ask you for pecuniary assistance ? (Here you reflect with remorse that a suspicion to this effect has certainly crossed your mind). "Nothing of the sort or kind, I do assure you. A little 'uming sympathy, the relief of pouring out my sorrers upon a feeling art, a few kind encouraging words, is all I arsk, and that, Sir, the

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To some readers interested in theatrical life, Polly Mountemple must prove an interesting work of fiction, if a story can be so styled which, as its author assures his readers with his latest breath, I should say in his last paragraph (p. 291), "is a true tale." It is the story of a ballet lady" who rises in "the profession" to the dignity of a speaking part, and is on the point of being raised still higher in the social scale, and becoming the wife of a real live young consents to forego her action for breach of promise, and finally marries a highly respectable acrobat, and becomes the landlady of the "Man of Kent." The earlier portion is entertaining, especially to those who are not altogether ignorant of some of the personages, sketches of whom are drawn by the author, Mr. CHARLES HOLLIS, with, it is not improbable, considerable fidelity. They are rough sketches, not by any means highly finished, but then such was the character of the original models. Before, however, it can be accepted by the general public as giving an unexaggerated picture of a certain sort of stage-life, it ought to have the imprimatur or the nihil obstat of some generally acknowledged head of the profession; for "the profession" is Hydra-like in this respect a republican creation, with many heads. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

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Professional Golfer (in answer to anxious question). "WEEL, NO, SIR, AT YOUR TIME O' LIFE, YE CAN NEVER HOPE TO BECOME A PLAYER; BUT IF YE PRACTISE HARD FOR THREE YEARS, YE MAY BE ABLE TO TELL GOOD PLAY FROM BAD WHEN YE SEE IT!"

THE "PAPER-CHASE." The Hare (with many financial friends) loquitur:

HERE goes! 'Tis a rather new line-
But that is no very great matter.
If they've faith in a lead, 'tis in mine,
So a tentative trail let me scatter.
The old track of country this time I'll forsake;
I trust they'll not think I have made a
mistake?

That old line of country they know,

Across it for years they've been rangers, All right, when the going is slow,

?

When 'tis fast, are they fly to its dangers For Hares to raise scares 'midst the Hounds were improper,

But how if the pack come a general cropper?

Remarkably near it last time,

Though some of 'em didn't suspect it; But I spy the peril! 'Twere crime If I did not help them to detect it. If they don't like my trail they must give

me the sack;

I'd rather be bullied than break up the pack. They fancy I'll keep the old course,

There or thereabout. But I've a notion! They'll grumble perhaps, with some force,

But they're not going to flurry G. GoSCHEN. Of this havresack there have been some smart

carriers

I'll make 'em sit up, though, the L. 8. D.

For them makes my bosom as glad

As-Big Surplus, and Popular Budget; And so I should like to secure them a run, Combining snug safety with plenty of fun.

I don't want to lessen their speed,

I don't want to hamper their daring; But rashness won't always succeed

Just ask that smart runner, young B-R-NG! [line And that's why I'm trying to strike a new For our Paper-Chase-cutting the "Paper" up fine.

I scatter it wide. Will it float ?

Of course for awhile there's no knowing; But I shall be able to note,

By the sequel, which way the wind's blowing. [notes, in full flight. There! Look like white-birds, or bankNow, lads, double up! There's not one yet in sight!

Of course I'm ahead of my field,

As a Hare worth his salt ever should be.

My Hounds, though, are mostly spring-heeled.

Eh? Funk it ? I don't think that could be! The L. S. D. Harriers' lick others hollow

For pluck and for pace. There's the trail,will they follow?

66 SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST."-You need not go to Holland to see the Hague. You may find it-him we mean-at DOWDESWELL'S Gallery. Here you can revel in a good fit of the Hague without shivering. Indeed, Mr. ANDERSON HAGUE, judging from his pictures I love 'em, each supple-shanked lad, of North Cambria, seems to be very fit, and 'Most as much as-Statistics. To trudge it therefore, he may be called an HAGUE-fit.

Harriers!

A CAN(NES) DID CONFESSION.

(By a Suffering Angelina.)
You write to me, sweetest, with envy
Of "zephyrs" and "summerlike stars; "
You say women, horses, and men vie
In chorus of croups and catarrhs;
You picture me safe from the snarling
Of Winter's tyrannical sway.
This isn't, believe me, my darling,
The Mediterranean way.

You rave of the "shimmering light on
An ocean pellucidly fair."

You get it, my darling, at Brighton,

And coals that can warm you are there;
Of boughs with hot oranges breaking "-
Cold comfort, while fortunes we pay
For faggots that mock us in making
Their Mediterranean way!

You dream of me rapt by a casement
Mimosa caresses and rose;
This window was surely the place meant
For mistral to buffet my nose.

Of tennis and dances and drums in
"That Eden for Eves"-did you say?
Apt phrase! Nothing masculine comes in
Our Mediterranean way.

And "Esterel's amethyst ranges

Of gossamer shapes"-and the rest.
Good gracious, how scenery changes!
They too have a cold on their chest.
At "delicate lungs," dear, and so on
No more for this climate I'll play,
But homeward in ecstasy go on
My Mediterranean way. ;

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RIGHT HON. GEO. J. G-SCH-N (the Hare). "WONDER WHETHER THEY'LL FOLLOW?"

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THE OLD WOMAN AND HER WATER SUPPLY.
(An Old Nursery Rhyme with a new burden.)
THERE was an old Woman, as I've heard say,
The frost froze her water-pipes fast one day;
The frost froze her water-pipes fast at first,

Till a thaw came at last, and the water-pipes burst.

By came the Company, greedy of gain,

And it cut her water all off at the main,

It cut her water off sharp, if you please,

Though it wasn't her fault that the pipes began to freeze.

It wasn't her fault that the water-pipes burst.

So she had no water for cleansing or thirst,

She had no water, and she began to cry,

"Oh, what a cruel buzzum has a Water Company

But I'll repair the pipes, since so it must be,

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And the plumber, I'm aware, will make pickings out

of me.

If there's a frost I've no water for my pail,

And if there's a thaw then the rate-collectors rail."
On Law the old Woman is entirely in the dark;

There seems (no one to save her from the fresh-water
shark;

The shark does what he likes, and she can only ory,
"Who'll help a poor old Woman 'gainst the Water
Company?"

MOI-MEM.

"Moi-Même," in the course of his pleasant Worldly wanderings among things in general, observes, à propos of the younger COQUELIN's suggestion about lectures by professors of the Dramatic Art to youthful students, "One can scarcely fancy a more humorous sight than Mr. TOOLE giving a professional lecture to dramatic aspirants, telling them when to wink, when to wheeze, when to "scuse his glove,'" &c. Now it so happens that when this same idea was first started-or perhaps revivedsome eleven years ago, Professor TooLE's Lecture to Students of the Dramatic Art was given in Mr. Punch's pages. The lecture, one of a series supposed to be given by various actors, will be found in Vol. LXXVIII., page 93. It appeared on the 28th of February, 1880.

Note by a Nomad.

SMITH, of Coalville, imagines that Civilised Man
Falls too much to the rear if he lives in a Van;
But Caravan-dwellers, with force and urbanity,
Declare that SMITH's views of Van life are pure vanity!

supply should be provided for the submerged half of the population, and they could not grumble at these things, but what they did not consider necessary was, that a salary should be forthcoming for each pupil-teacher sufficient to enable him or her to drive down to the schools in their own carriage and pair. (Much laughter.) He did not think it a laughing matter. He would strongly suggest a diminution of at least £1000 a-year in the salaries of these overpaid officials.

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A DEPUTATION on behalf of the Exasperated Ratepayers' Association waited yesterday afternoon on the Chairman of the London School Board at their new and commodious palatial premises erected on the vast central site recently cleared, regardless of expense, for that purpose in Piccadilly, and presented a further protest against The Chairman here asked the speaker if he had considered that the ever-increasing expenditure indulged in by that body. The descending" from a carriage was necessarily connected with the Chairman, smilingly intimating that he would hear what the Depu-teaching of Deportment, on which the Board set great value? Was tation had to say, though he added, amidst the ill-suppressed merri- he not aware that some great man had said, wishing to give Deportment of his confrères, he supposed it was the old sing-song protest, possibly on this occasion because they had recently directed that the boys attending the schools of the Board should come in "Eton suits, the cost of which naturally fell upon the rates, or some captious objection of that kind, which it really was a waste of breath to discuss. However, whatever it was, he added, he was willing to hear it.

ment its proper weight as an educational factor, that the Battle of Waterloo (at least he thought he was quoting correctly) was won at Almacks? (Renewed laughter.) Anyhow, he did not consider that £2,500 a-year, and a house in Mayfair, was at all an excessive remuneration for a School-Board teacher, as measured by the Board's standard. He thought, if that was all the Deputation had to urge, that they might have saved themselves the trouble their protest had cost them.

The Spokesman having for a few moments consulted with his colleagues, hereupon turned to the Chairman, and delivering with fearful emphasis the customary curse on the School Board, its Chairman, and all its belongings, at the same time thanking the Chairman' for his courteous reception of the Deputation, silently and sulkily withdrew.

The Spokesman of the Deputation, a Duke in reduced circumstances, who ascribed his ruin to the heavy rates he had been called upon to pay through the extravagance of the Board, and who declined to give his name, said that though they had not thought the Eton suits a necessity, still it was not against them that they had to protest.. It was the addition of Astronomy involving the erection (with fitting first-class instruments) of 341 observatories in the London district alone, Chinese, taught by 500 native Professors imported from Pekin for the purpose, horse-riding, yachting, and the church organ (these last two being compulsory), together with the use of the tricycle, DRURIOLANUS AND DANCING.-The Fancy Dress Ball-not a "Ball type-writer, and phonograph, all of which instruments were provided Marsky"-at Covent Garden, last Tuesday week, was a great for every single pupil at the expense of the ratepayers, to the curri- success, on which DRURIOLANUS FORTUNATUS is hereby congratuculum of all those pupils who were fitted for the third standard. The lated. There is to be a similar festivity, to celebrate Mi-Carême. speaker said he knew that it had long been settled that the finest and Quite appropriate this date, when the season is half Lent, and the most comprehensive education that our advanced civilisation could costumes almost all borrowed.

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