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APPEAL

ས་པ

LORDS.

TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING.

["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already mortgaged. In 1892 you may count upon me."-Mr. KIPLING to Magazine Editor, who wished to secure him as a Contributor.].

Он, happy man! for whom this world of ours
Is but a ceaseless round of milk and honey,
Who use your wondrous word-compelling powers
For us in telling tales (and making money),

How you must laugh to rake the dollars in,
The publishers-how badly you must bleed them;
Your tales are good, but yet, ere you begin

On more, just think of us who've got to read them.

It frightens us to hear your Ninety-One

Is mortgaged-for the prospect's not inviting,

To think of all that may and will be done,

If, through the present year you ne'er cease writing!

With bated breath we ask, and humble mien-
We realise how far we come behind you-
That you will leave one remnant Magazine

In which we may be sure we shall not find you.

Then will your RUDYARD name with joy be hailed,
And yours will be a never-fading glory,

If, when you're asked to write a Light that Failed,
You merely tell us, "That's another story."

AN UPPER NOTE.

SIR,-I mustn't interfere with the diary of TOBY, M.P. But, as he is not reported as being in the Upper House on this particular occasion, I cannot help drawing general attention to the dispatch of business among the Lords on Thursday last. I quote from the Parliamentary Report in the Daily Telegraph, which informed us that

"The LORD CHANCELLOR took bis seat on the Woolsack at a quarter-past four o'clock."

Then in came "A New Spiritual Peer." Awful! It sounds like an apparition in a blood-curdling ghoststory. Where was LIKA JOKO with his pencil? Well, "the new Spiritual Peer took his oath and his seat ". why wasn't he called upon for his toast and sentiment ?and then-what happened? Did their Lordships stay to have a friendly chat with the new-comer? No, not a bit of it; for the report says,

"Their Lordships rose at twenty-five minutes to five o'clock." So that, in effect, as soon as the new boy came in, and seated himself, all the old boys went out. There's manners for you! And this in the Upper House, too!! Yours truly, THE MARQUIZ.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, Feb. 2. -"I do not," said OLD MORALITY, a cloud of disappointment settling on his massive brow, "know any case where, comparatively late in life, after a blameless career, depravity has so suddenly broken out in a man as it has with SYDNEY GEDGE. It is true, that upon occasion GEDGE has not given entire satisfaction to our friends opposite. They hold the opinion that his incursions in debate have been inopportune, and, in short, unnecessary; but that is their affair. We have had no ground for complaint. GEDGE has always voted straight, has appropriately filled up a dull half-hour when we had to keep a Debate going, and at all times he has invested our side of the House with a certain je ne sais quoi of dignity, combined with profound wisdom. And now to go and break out in this unexpected manner! It is incomprehensible,-would be, if I had not seen him with my own organs of vision, incredible. We must make GEDGE a Peer, or a County Court Judge."

UNREGENERATE.

"ONLY THINK HOW DELIGHTFUL, BOBBIE! THEY'VE DISCOVERED, IN MANUSCRIPT, AN ENTIRELY NEW WORK BY ARISTOTLE, AND THEY'RE GOING TO PUBLISH IT!" "REALLY, MAMMIE? THEN ALL I CAN SAY IS, I'M PRECIOUS GLAD I'VE LEFT SCHOOL FOR GOOD !"

12.7.

OLD MORALITY's discomposure not The Rollit Albert that gathered unwarranted. GEDGE certainly made Three Bills into the Statute our flesh creep to-night. Of all things Book.

in the world, it came about on the Tither Bill. In Committee all night; Sir JOHN SWINBURNE spoken several times; HARCOURT, leading Opposition, made several efforts to inspire proceedings with a little life, but not to be done. Bill rapidly slipping through; Amendments to Clauses all disposed of; a few new ones on paper. Of course not slightest chance of being added to Bill. One by one moved; Minister objected; Clause negatived; and there an end of it. Twelve o'Clock close at hand; on stroke of Midnight, Debate must be adjourned; still plenty of time to get the Bill through Committee. Everything out of the way except new Clause in name of SYDNEY GEDGE. But GEDGE loyal Ministerialist; not likely he would interfere with arrangements, and endanger progress of Bill. HICKS-BEACH, in charge of measure, kept his eye on the clock; three minutes to Twelve; running it pretty close, but just time to get Bill through. GEDGE on his feet; quite unnecessary; needn't stand up to say he would not move his Clause; if he had simply lifted his hat when Chairman called his name it would be understood that he had sacrificed his Clause. Dangerous this, dallying on stroke of Midnight.

To his horror, HICKS-BEACH heard GEDGE beginning to describe purport of his new Clause. Was going to move it then? Yes. After moment's horrified pause, Ministerialists broke into angry cries of, "Divide!" Opposition convulsed with laughter; HICKS-BEACH pale and stern, and stony silent; SYDNEY GEDGE flushed, conversational, dogged. Even if Tithes Bill were lost he would explain the bearing of his new Clause. Scene increasing in hilarity; lasted three minutes; then Midnight sounded, and SYDNEY sat down, surprised to find he had talked out the Tithes Bill.

You might have knocked me down with a feather," said ALBERT ROLLIT, who, before opening his lips, had observed the precaution of propping himself up against the wall. "GEDGE, of all men, to

spoil the Ministerial plan, and imperil their arrangements for the week! It's all COURTNEY'S fault. Since GEDGE tasted COURTNEY's blood, on the night he interrupted his speech by chatting in the Chair with HERBERT GARDNER, GEDGE has never been the same man. There's no knowing to what lengths he may not go."

Business done.-SYDNEY GEDGE broken out again worse than ever. Tuesday.-MABJORIBANKS rather depressed as he rose to move his Resolution for appointment of Royal Commission on New Magazine Rifle. Had hoped to appear under very different circumstances. Meant quite to put in the shade LYON PLAY FAIR's historic lecture on Margarine, when he had the tables covered with pots of that substance, with penny loaves and small knives for Members to sample withal. For weeks MARJORIBANKS been preparing for occasion. Had possessed himself of quite an armoury of rifles: intended to bring them into the House and illustrate his lecture with practical experiments. The climax was to be the shooting-off scene. BOBBY SPENCER and ANSTRUTHER on in this. BOBBY standing at the Bar with an apple held on palm of extended right hand; MARJORIBANKS, using Martini-Henry Rifle, was to clear the apple off, leaving BOBBY's hair unsinged, and not a wrinkle added to his collar. ANSTRUTHER was next to stand in the same place, braving the fire of the Magazine Rifle. But he didn't have an apple, as it was arranged that the new arm should jam.

"Suppose it doesn't ?" ANSTRUTHER inquired, when MARJORIBANKS first unfolded his scheme.

"Oh, that'll be all right," said MARJORIBANKS, cheerily.

Long practice on the Terrace made the arrangements perfect, when they were suddenly upset by interference from un

Standing Fire. expected quarter. The SPEAKER, wondering what all this riflepopping was, came to hear of the project; at once said it wouldn't do; no arms of any kind admitted in House of Commons, except the sword worn by SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, and once a year the lethal weapons carried by the Naval or Military gentlemen who move and second Address. BOBBY SPENCER rather glad, I fancy; ANSTRUTHER not inconsolable. But MARJORIBANKS distinctly depressed.

"Not often I occupy time of House," he said. "We Whips make Houses, and you empty them. DUFF and he's not a Whip nowmade all the running with his orations on the herring brand. Thought I would make a hit this time."

"I was a little afraid of it too," said ANSTRUTHER.

"Oh, you were all right," said MARJORIBANKS; "the New Magazine Rifle will not fire unless, after first shot, you clean it out with an oily rag, and I was going to take precious good care to

Grandolph's Latest Achievement. take this matter up when he has the BEDFORD inquest.

forget the rag. You've no
public spirit, ANSTRUTHER,
since you left us to help
WOLMER to whip up Dissen-
tients."

No appeal from SPEAKER'S
ruling. MARJORIBANKS had to
make the best of botched busi-
ness. Brought to the table a
spring snap-extractor, a bolt-
head screw, and some other
odds and ends; poor substitute
for what he had intended. Still
made out admirable case, Go-
vernment mustering majority
of only 34 against Motion.

Just before Midnight, Tithes Bill reached; GEDGE's Amendment still blocked the way; Chairman called aloud, "Mr. GEDGE!" no answer; place empty. Whilst Members whispering inquiry, Bill passed through Committee, and Ministers triumphed. That's all very well, but where's GEDGE? COBB, who is developing quite unsuspected gifts in the Amateur-detective line, intends to settled the affair of the Coroner at

Business done.-Tithe Bill through Committee. Mysterious disappearance of SYDNEY GEDGE.

Thursday Night.-GRANDOLPH back again, bringing his sheaves I mean his beard—with him. Hardly knew him at first. No such beard been seen in House since MACFARLANE left us. Not quite the same colour; but GRANDOLPH could give a handful to MACFARLANE, and win.

"Yes," he said, when I complimented him on so magnificent a result achieved in comparatively short time, "when I do a thing, I like to do it well. Little awkward at first, you know, specially on a windy day; tendency to get between your knees, or wrap itself round your neck. But we're growing used to each other, and shall get on nicely by-and-by."

More of Tithes Bill. Drearier than ever, now GEDGE's place is empty. Business done.—Report Stage of Tithes Bill.

Friday.-Conversation as to course of public business. OLD MORALITY regrets Tithes Bill not through Reporting stage yet. Down on the paper for to-night, but didn't think there would be much chance of reaching it. So put it down for Monday. If not got through then, must be taken on Thursday, and JOHN MORLEY'S Resolution on Crimes Act shunted along indefinitely. Much regretted this; duty to Queen and Country, &c.; but no one had yet discovered the secret of inclosing a quart of fluid matter in a glass receptacle not exceeding the capacity of one pint.

Members thus informed that Tithes Bill was taken off agenda for to-night, went off; House emptied; and when, at quarter-past Seven, CONY BEARE rose to discuss Mining Royalties, was Counted Out. "Why, bless me!" cried OLD MORALITY, aghast at the news, "here's a sitting practically wasted, and we might have used it for the Tithes Bill. Business done.-Motion to abolish Livery Franchise negatived by 148 votes against 120.

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Yo think very likely bein' a nippercrit'll pay

!

Still some day it's certain you'll be found out at lorst
Why, it might ha' been wrote a-purpose for that there little cantin'
As a cringin', sloimy, snoike in the grorss!"
beggar up at our shop-blowed if it mightn't!

Second Artisan. Young MEALY, yer mean? But that's cawmpli mentry-for him-that is!

First A. But yer see the ideer of it. They've drawed im a snoike, all 'cept 'is 'ed, d'ye see? That's why they've wrote chaps to think o' sech things as that 'ere, "Snoike in the Grorss," underneath. Hor-hor! they must be smart eh ? [They move on. First Servant Girl (reading)— "Two squintin' boss-heyes, and 'air all foiry-red. You surely can't ever expect to be wed? Yer nose shows plain you've took to gin. You're a nice party for a wedding-ring!

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I ve 'arf a mind to go in and git one o' them to send Missis.
Second S. G. (in service elsewhere). Oh, I would! Go in, SALLY,
quick. I can lend yer a ap'ny towards it.

Sally (meditatively). I'd do it-on'y she'd guess 'ood sent it her!
Second S. G. Let 'er. You can stick 'er out it wasn't you.
Sally. I could, o' course-but it wouldn't be no use, she'd tell the
'andwriting on the hongvelope! (Gloomily.)

Second S. G. Oh, if that's all, I'll direct it for yer. Come on,
SALLY; it will be sech a lark, and then you can tell me all about
what she said arterwards!
[They enter the shop.
First Young Person in hat and feathers (reading)—
"The female 'art you think you'll mash,

By sporting stick-up collars and a la-di-da moustache.
But I tell you straight it'll be a long time
Before I take you to be my Valentine!"

I do wonder what CHORLEY 'AWKINS would say if I sent him one of
them.

Second Y. P. But I thought you told me CHORLEY 'AWKINS never took no notice of you?

First Y. P. No more he does-but p'raps this 'ud make him! A Young Woman (who has fallen out with her fiancé). They ain't arf Valentines this year. I wish I could come across one with 'orns and a tail!

Elder Sister (to small Brother-in a moral tone). Now, JIMMY, you see what comes o' Book-learnin'. If you 'adn't gone to the Board School so reg'lar, you wouldn't ha' been able to read all the potry on the Valentines like you can now, would yer now? M

NOTICE. Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will

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MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.

No. XIII.-THROUGH SPACE ON A FORMULA.

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(By RULES SPURN, Author of "Gowned and Curled in Eighty Stays,"
Twenty Thousand Tweaks Sundered the Flea," "A Tea with Ice,'
"A Doctor on Rocks and Peppermint,' "A Cab-Fare from The
Sun,' """The Confidence of the Continent," Attorney to Dissenters
up at Perth,"
," "Lieutenant Scattercash," &c.)
["This," writes the Author, "is one of my best and freshest, although on a
moderate computation it must be my thousand and first, or so. But I have
really lost count. Still it's grand to talk in large numbers of leagues, miles,
vastnesses, secrets, mysteries, and impossible sciences. Some pedants imagine
that I write in French. That's absurd, for every schoolboy knows (and
lots of them have told me) that I write only in English or in American.
I have some highly dried samples of vivid adventure ready for immediate
consumption. Twopence more and up goes the donkey, up, up, up to be a
satellite to an undiscovered star. Brave Donkey! I follow."-R. 8.]

CHAPTER I.

THE iceberg was moving. There was no doubt of it. Moving with a terrible sinuous motion. Occasionally an incautious ironclad approached like a foolish hen, and pecked at the moving mass. Then there was a slight crash, followed by a mild convulsion of masts, and spars, and iron-plates, and 100-ton guns, then two or three gurgles and all was still. The iceberg passed on smiling in triumph, and British Admirals wrote to the Times to declare that they had known from the first that H.M.S. Thunderbomb had been so faultily constructed, as to make a contest with a hen-coop a certainty for the hen-coop.

BEED

And still the iceberg was moving. Within its central chamber sat a venerable man, lightly clad in nankeen breeches, a cap of liberty, and a Liberty silk shirt. He was writing cabalistically. He did not know why, nor did he know what "cabalistically" meant. This was his punishment. Why was he to be punished? Those who read shall hear. The walls of the chamber were fitted with tubes, and electric wires, and knobs and buttons. A bright fire burned on the hearth. The thick Brussels carpet was littered with pot-boilers, all fizzing, and sputtering, and steaming, like so many young Curates at a Penny Reading. Suddenly the Philosopher looked up. He spoke to himself. "Everything is ready," he said, and

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"How so ?"

"We shall have a constant frost."
"Are you sure?"

"Certain. I have taken in a supply of Matinées, and a stock of Five-act Tragedies."

"Good. But how to raise the wind ?"

Scarcely had the question been asked, when a frightful explosion shook the iceberg to its foundations. The Doctor rushed to the gasbag. It was empty. He frowned. Lord JOHN was smoking his pipe; the Colonel was turning over the pages of an old Algebra. He muttered to himself, "That ought to figure it out. If x = the amount of non-compressible fluid consumed by a given labourer in

ETR

y days, find, by the substitution of poached eggs for kippered herrings, how many tea-cups it will take to make a transpontine hurricane. Yes," he went on, that's it. Yes, Sirree." And at these words the vast mass of congealed water rose majestically out of the ocean, and floated off into the nebular hypothesis. But the Philosopher had vanished.

CHAPTER III.

WHEN the explosion narrated in the last chapter took place, the Philosopher had been looking out of the window. The shock had hurled him with the speed of a pirate 'bus through the air. Soon he became a speck. Shortly afterwards he reached a point in his flight situated exactly 40 000 miles over a London publisher's office. There was a short contest. Centrifugal and centripetal fought for the mastery, and the latter was victorious. The publisher was at home. The novel was accepted, and the Philosopher started to rejoin his comrades lost in the boundless tracts of space.

CHAPTER IV.

"My faith," said Lord JOHN, "I

pressed a button by his side. There was a sound as of a Continent | am getting tired of this. Shall we never reach the Sun ?" expectorating, a distant nose seemed to twang, the door opened, and Courage, my friend," was the well-known reply of the brave a tall lantern-jawed gentleman, wearing a goat-beard and an little Doctor. "We deviated from our course one hair's-breadth on expression of dauntless cunning, stepped into the room. the twelfth day. This is the fortieth day, and by the formula for the precession of the equinoxes, squared by the parallelogram of an ellipsoidal bath-bun fresh from the glass cylinder of a refreshment bar, we find that we are now travelling in a perpetual_circle at a distance of one billion marine gasmeters from the Sun. I have now accounted for the milk in the cocoa-nut.'

"I guess you were waiting round for me," said Colonel ZEDEKIAH D. GOBANG (for it was indeed he), and sat down in an empty armchair, as if nothing had happened.

The Philosopher appeared not to notice. "Next character, please," he said, pulling out a long stop, and placing his square leg on the wicket which gave admission to his laboratory, while he waited for the entrance of the Third Man. There came a murmur like the buzz of a ton of blasting powder, in a state of excitement. A choir of angels seemed to whisperBeefsteak and Pale Ale," as Lord JOHN BULLPUP dashed, without a trace of emotion, into the room, and sneezed three times without stopping to wipe his boots on the mat. "One more," said the Philosopher. He hurled himself, feet first, at the ceiling, knocked his head against the floor, and called down the tube. "J'y suis!" came the answer, and the typical, lighthearted Frenchman, M. le Docteur REVERSI, with his thousand thunders, and his blue lower chest, tripped jauntily up to the other three. And now," remarked the Philosopher, we have got the lot complete. The story can start. Hurry up! Hark forrard! En avant!" CHAPTER II. "LEND me your ears," said the Philosopher. They lent them, but without interest. Yet they were all keen business men. "Attention, my friends!" he continued, somewhat annoyed. "You know why I have summoned you. We have to make another journey together. The moon, the sea, the earth-we have voyaged and journeyed to them, and they are exhausted. It remains to visit the Sun, and to perform the journey in an iceberg. Do you see? Colonel GOBANG will supply the craft, Lord JOHN BULLPUP the stupid courage, and you, M. le Docteur," he added, admiringly, "will of course take the cake."

VOL. C.

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"But not," said the Philosopher, as he popped up through a concealed trap-door, "for the hair outside. That remains for another volume." With that, he rang a gong. The iceberg splintered into a thousand pieces. The voyagers were each hurled violently down into their respective countries, where a savage public was waiting to devour them.

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"Replying to Sir JOHN MACDONALD's manifesto, Uncle Sam (twangling his patent Reciprocity

Mr. MERCIER said it was ridiculous to say that reciprocity was veiled treason, and meant annexation to the United States."

Times' Montreal Correspondent.

Banjo) sings: :

Оn, my love my passion can hear-and see,
Over the garden wall;

She is sighing, and casting sheeps' eyes at me,
Over the garden wall:

Miss CANADA muses; look at her there!
My wooing and BULL'S she is bound to com-

pare,

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