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TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING. [“Every minute of my time during 1891
is already mortgaged.
Is but a ceaseless round of milk and honey,
For us in telling tales (and making money), How you must laugh to rake the dollars in,
The publishers—how badly you must bleed them; Your tales are good, but yet, ere you begin
On more, just think of us who've got to read them. It frightens us to hear your Ninety-One
Is mortgaged-for the prospect 's not inviting, To think of all that may and will be done,
If, through the present year you ne'er oease writing! With bated breath we ask, and humble mien
We realise how far we come behind youThat you will leave one remnant Magazine
In which we may be sure we shall not find you. Then will your RUDYABD name with joy be hailed,
And yours will be a never-fading glory, If, when you're
asked to write a Light that Failed, You merely tell us, “That's another story."
AN UPPER NOTE. SIB-I mustn't interfere with the diary of TOBY, M.P. But, as he is not reported as being in the Upper House on this partionlar occasion, I cannot help drawing general attention to the dispatob of business among the Lords on Thursday last. I quote from the Parliamentary Report in the Daily Telegraph, which informed us that
“The LORD CHANCELLOR took bis seat on the Woolsack at a quarter past four o'clock.”
Then in came "A New Spiritual Peer.” Awful! It sounds like an apparition in a blood-curdling ghoststory. Where was LIKA JOKO with his pencil ? Well, "the new Spiritual Peer took his oath and his seat”. why wasn't be called upon for his toast and sentiment ? and then -what happened? Did their Lordships stay to have a friendly chat with the new-oomer? No, not a bit of it ; for the report says,
UNREGENERATE. “Their Lordships rose at twenty-five minutes to five o'clock.” "ONLY THINK HOW DELIGHTFUL, BOBBIE! THEY'VE DISCOVERED, IN MANU
So that, in effect, as soon as the new boy came in, and SCRIPT, AN ENTIRELY NEW WORK BY ARISTOTLE, AND THEY 'RE GOING TO PUBseated himself, all the old boys went out. There's LISH IT!” manners for you! And this in the Upper House, too !! "REALLY, MAMMIE? THEN ALL I CAN SAY IS, I'M PRECIOUS GLAD I'VE Yours truly, THE MARQUIZ. LEFT SCHOOL FOR GOOD I”
in the world, it came about on the Tither Bill. In Committee all ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
night; Sir JOHN SWINBUBNE spoken several times; HABCOURT, EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
leading Opposition, made several efforts to inspire prooeedings with
a little life, but not to be done. Bill rapidly slipping through ; House of Commons, Monday Night, Feb. 2.
Amendments to Clauses all disposed of; a few new ones on paper. -"I do not,” said OLD MORALITY, a cloud of
Of course not slightest chance of being added to Bill. One by one disappointment settling on his massive brow,
moved ; Minister objected; Clause negatived ; and there an end of "know any case where, comparatively late in
it. Twelve o'Clock close at hand; on stroke of Midnight, Debate life, after a blameless career, depravity has
must be adjourned; still plenty of time to get the Bill through Comso suddenly broken out in a man as it has with
mittee. Everything out of the way, except new Clause in name of SYDNEY GEDGE. It is true, that upon occa
SYDNEY GEDGE. But GEDGE loyal Ministerialist; not likely he sion GEDGE has not given entire satisfaction
would interfere with arrangements, and endanger progress of Bill. to our friends opposite. They hold the opinion
HICK8-BEACH, in charge of measure, kept his eye on the clock; that his incursions in debate have been inop
three minutes to Twelve ; running it pretty close, but just time to portane, and, in short, unnecessary; but that
get Bill through. GEDGE on his feet;. quite unnecessary; needn't is their affair. We have had no ground for
stand up to say he would not move his Clause; if he had simply complaint. GEDGE has always voted straight,
lifted his hat when Chairman called his name it would be underhas appropriately filled up a dull half-hour
stood that he had sacrificed his Clause. Dangerous this, dallying when we had to keep a Debate going, and at
on stroke of Midnight. all times he has invested our side of the House
To his horror, Hicks-BEACH_heard GEDGE beginning to describe with a certain je ne sais quoi of dignity, com
purport of his new Clause. Was going to move it then? Yes. bined with profound wisdom. And
After moment's horrified pause, Ministerialists broke into angry cries now to go and break out in this un
of, “Divide !” Opposition convulsed with laughter; HICKS-BEACH expected manner! It is incomprehen
pale and stern, and stony silent; SYDNEY GEDGE flushed, conversa aible,-would be, if I had not seen him
tional, dogged. Even
if Tithes Bill were lost he would explain the with my own organs of vision, incre
bearing of his new Clause. Scene increasing in hilarity; lasted dible. We must make GEDGE a Peer,
three minutes; then Midnight sounded, and SYDNEY sat down, or a County Court Judge.” OLD MORALITY's discom posure not The Rollit Albert that gathered
You might have knocked me down with a feather,” said ALBERT no warranted. GEDGE certainly made Three Bills into the statute ROLLIT, who, before opening his lips, had observed the precaution our filesh oreep to-night. Of all things Book.
of propping himself up against the wall. GEDGE, of all men, to
spoil the Ministerial plan, and imperil their arrangements for the Business done.-Tithe Bill through Committee. Mysterious disweek! It's all COURTNEY's fault. Since GEDGE tasted COURTNEY'S appearance of SYDNEY GEDGE. blood, on the night be interrupted his speech by chatting in the Thursday Night.-GRANDOLPH back again, bringing his sheaves Chair with HEBBERT GARDNER, GEDGE has never been the same -I mean his beard—with him. Hardly knew him at first. No such man. There's no knowing to what lengths he may not go.”
beard been seen in House since MACFARLANE left us. Not quite the Business dore.-SYDNEY GEDGE broken out again worse than ever. same colour; but GRANDOLPH could give a handful to MACFARLANE,
Tuesday.-MABJORIBANKS rather depressed as he rose to move his and win.
result achieved in comparatively short time, "when I do a thing, I different circumstances. Meant quite to
like to do it well. Little awkward at first, you know, specially on put in the shade LYON PLAYFAIR's historic
a windy day; tendency to get between your knees, or wrap itself lecture on Margarine, when he had the
round your neck. But we're growing used to each other, and shall tables covered with pots of that substance,
get on nicely by-and-by.”
151 EI with penny loaves and small knives for
More of Tithes Bill.' Drearier than ever, now GEDGE's place is Members to sample withal. For weeks
empty. Business done.—Report Stage of Tithes Bill. MARJORIBANKS been preparing for occasion.
Friday.-Conversation as to course of public business." OLD Had possessed himself of quite an armoury
MORALITY regrets Tithes (Bill not through Reporting stage yet. of rifles : intended to bring them into the House and illustrate his lecture with prac
Down on the paper for to-night, but didn't think there would be tical experiments. The climax was to be
much chance of reaching it. So put it down for Monday. If not the shooting-off scene. BOBBY SPENCER
got through then, must be taken on Thursday, and JOAN MORand ANSTRUTHEB on in this. BOBBY stand
LEY's Resolution on Crimes Aot shunted along indefinitely. Much ing at the Bar with an apple held on palm
regretted this; duty to Queen and Country, &c.; but no one had of extended right hand; MARJORIBANKS,
yet discovered the secret of inclosing a quart of fluid matter in a using Martini-Henry Rifle, was to clear
glass receptacle not exceeding the capacity of one pint.
Members thus informed that Tithes Bill was taken off agenda the apple off, leaving BOBBY's hair unsipged, and not a wrinkle added to his
for to-night, went off; House emptied; and when, at quarter past Seven, CONYBEARE
rose to discuss Mining Royalties, was Counted Out. collar. ANSTRUTHER Was next to stand in the same place, braving the fire of the
“Why, bless me!” cried OLD MORALITY, aghast at the news, Magazine Rifle. But he didn't bave an
"here's a sitting practically wasted, and we might have used it
for the Tithes Bill. Business done.- Motion to abolish Livery apple, as it was arranged that the new arm should jam.
Franchise negatived by 148 votes against 120. “Suppose it doesn't ?” ANSTRUTHER inquired, when MARJORIBANKS first unfolded
ST. VALENTINE'S EVE. his scheme. “Oh, that'll be all right," said MAR
SCENE-The outside of a small fancy-stationer's in a back-street. The JORIBANKS, cheerily.
windows are plastered with highly-coloured caricatures, designed Long practice on the Terrace made the
to convey the anonymous amenities prescribed by poetic tradition arrangements perfect, when they were suddenly upset by interference from un- Standing Fire.
at this Season of the Year. A small crowd is inspecting these
works of Art and Literature with hearty approval. expected quarter. The SPEAKER, wondering what all this riflepopping was, came to hear of the project; at once said it wouldn't relish.) “ With yer crawlin,' lick-spittle carneyin' ways,
First Artisan. See this 'ere, BILL? (He spells out with a slovo do; no arms of any kind admitted in House of Commons, except the
Yo think very likely bein' a nippercrit'll pay! sword worn by SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, and once a year the lethal weapons carried by the Naval or Military gentlemen who move and
Still some day it's certain you'll be found out at lorst second Address. BOBBY SPENCER rather glad, I fancy; ANSTRUTHER Why, it might ha' been wrote a-purpose for that there little cantin'
As a cringin', sloimy, snoike in the grorss!” not inconsolable. But MARJORIBANKS distinctly depressed.
“Not often I occupy time of House," he said. "We Whips make beggar up at our shop-blowed if it mightn't! Houses, and you empty them. DUFFand he's not a Whip now
Second Artisan. Young MEALY, yer mean? But that's cawmpli made all the running with his orations on the herring brand. mentry-for him—that is! Thought I would make a hit this time."
First A. But yer see the ideer of it. They've drawed im "I was a little afraid of it too,” said ANSTRUTHER.
snoike, all 'cept 'is 'ed, d'ye see? That's why they've wrote “Oh, you were all right," said MARJORIBANKS; "the New
“Snoike in the Grorss," underneath. Hor-hor! they must be smart Magazine Rifle will not fire unless, after first shot, you clean it out chaps to think o' sech things as that 'ere, eh? [They move on.
First Servant Girl (reading) – with an oily rag, and I was going to take precious good care to
forget the rag.
"Two squintin' boss-heyes, and 'air all foiry-red.
You surely can't ever expect to be wed?
Yer nose shows plain you've took to gin.
I ve 'arf a mind to go in and git one o' them to send Missis. No appeal from SPEAKER'S Second S. G. (in service elsewhere). Oh, I would! Go in, SALLY, ruling.MARJORIBANKS had to quick. I can lend yer a ap'ny towards it. make the best of botched busi- Sally (meditatively). I'd do it-on'y, she'd guess 'ood sent it her! ness. Brought to the table & Second 8. G. Let 'er. You can stick 'er out it wasn't you. spring snap-extractor, a bolt- Sally. I could, of course, but it wouldn't be no use, she'd tell the head screw,
and some other l'andwriting on the hongvelope! (Gloomily.) odds and ends ; poor substitute Second Š. G. Oh, if that's all, I'll direct it for yer. for what he had intended. Still SALLY; it will be sech a lark, and then you can tell me all about made out admirable case, Go- what she said
[They enter the shop. vernment mustering majority First Young Person in hat and feathers (reading) of only 34 against Motion.
“The female 'art you think you'll mash, Just before Midnight, Tithes By sporting stick-up collars and a la-di-da moustache. Bill reached ; GEDGE'S Ámend
But I tell you straight it'll be a long time ment still blocked the
Before I take you to be my Valentine !”. Chairman called aloud, "Mr. I do wonder what CHORLEY ’AWKINS would say if I sent him one of GEDGE !” no answer; place them. empty. Whilst Members whis- Second Y. P. But I thought you), told (me CHORLEY 'AWKINS pering, inquiry, Bill passed never took no notice of you ? through Committee, and Minis- First Y. P. No more he does—but p'raps this 'ud make him ! ters triumpbed. That's all A Young Woman (who has fallen out with her fiancé). They ain't very well, but where's GEDGE ? arf Valentines this year. I wish I could come across one with 'ørns
COBB, who is developing quite and a tail ! Grandolph's Latest Achievement. unsuspected gifts in the Ama- Elder Sister (to small Brother-en a moral tone). Now, JAMY,
teur-detective line, intends to you see what comes o' Book-learnin'. If you ’adn't gone to the take this matter up when he has settled the affair of the Coroner at Board School so reg'lar, you wouldn't ha' been able to read all the the BEDFORD inquest.
potry on the Valentines like you can now, would yer now? NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether Ms., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelopo, Cover, or Wrappar. To this rule there will be no exception.
" We are."
He pansed, and waited for Lord John's reply. It came prompt, MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
and in the expected words. No. XIII.-THROUGH SPACE ON A FORMULA.
"Is it a plum-pudding cake ” said Lord JOHN. The rest
laughed heartily. They loved their jokes, small and old. (By RULES SPURN, Author of “Govoned and Curled in Eighty Stays," Twenty Thousand Tweaks Sundered the Flea,'
"" A Tea with Ice,'
“ Are we agreed ”. "A Doctor on Rocks and Peppermint," " A Cab-Fare from 'The
“ Have you anything to ask ?” Sun,' ,'" "The Confidence of the Continent,
,” “ Attorney to Dissenters
“Nothing. When do we start ?" up at Perth," " Lieutenant Scattercash,” &c.)
“ We are on our way.” (“This," writes the Author, “is one of my best and freshest, although on a “Shall we not melt as we approach ?” moderate computation it must be my thousand and first, or so. But I have “ Certainly not.” really lost count. Still it's grand to talk in large numbers of leagues, miles,
“How 80 ?” vastnesses, secrets, mysteries, and impossible sciences. Some pedants imagine “ We shall have a constant frost." that I write in French. That's absurd, for every schoolboy knows (and
"Are you sure ?" lots of them have told me) that I write only in English or in American. I have some highly dried samples of vivid adventure ready for immediate
“Certain. I have taken in a supply of Matinées, and a stock of
Five-act Tragedies." consumption. Twopence more and up goes the donkey, up, up, up to be a satellite to an undiscovered star. Bravo Donkey! I follow."-R. 8.]
“Good. But how to raise the wind ?"
Scarcely had the question been asked, when a frightful explosion CHAPTER I.
shook the iceberg to its foundations. The Doctor rushed to the gasThe ice herg was moving. There was no doubt of it. Moving bag. It was empty. He frowned. Lord John was smoking his with a terrible sinuous motion. Occasionally an incautious ironclad pipe ; the Colonel was turning over the
pages of an old Algebra. He approached like a foolish hen, and pecked at the moving mass. muttered to himself, “That ought to figure it out. If x = the Then there was a slight crash, followed by a mild convulsion of amount of non-compressible fluid consumed by a given labourer in masts, and spars, and iron-plates, and
y days, fiod, by the substitution of 100-ton guns, then two or three gurgles
poached eggs for kippered herrings, and all was still. The iceberg passed
how many tea-cups it will take to on smiling in triumph, and British
make a transpontine hurricane. Yes," Admirals wrote to the Times to declare
he went on,
that's it. Yes, Sirree." that they had known from the first
And at these words the vast mass of that H.M.8. Thunderbomb had been
congealed water rose majestically out so faultily constructed, as to make a
of the ocean, and floated off into the contest with a hen-coop a certainty
nebular hypothesis. But the Philosofor the hen-coop. SBEEDS
pher had vanished. And still the iceberg was moving.
CHAPTER III. Within its central chamber sat a venerable man, lightly clad in nankeen
WHEN the explosion narrated in the breeches, a cap of liberty, and a
last chapter took place, the Philosopher Liberty silk shirt. He was writing
had been looking out of the window. cabalistically. He did not know why,
The shook had hurled him with the nor did he know what "cabalistically
speed of a pirate 'bus through the meant. This was his punishment.
air. Soon he became a speck. Shortly Why was he to be punished ? Those
afterwards he reached a point in his who read shall hear. The walls of
flight situated exactly 40 000 miles the chamber were fitted with tubes,
over a London publisher's office. There and electric wires, and knobs and but
was a short contest. Centrifugal and tons. A bright fire burned on the
contripetal fought for the mastery, and hearth. The thick Brussels carpet
the latter was victorious. The publisher was littered with pot-boilers, all fiz
was at home. The novel was accepted, zing, and sputtering, and steaming,
and the Philosopher started to rejoin
his comrades lost in the boundless like so many young Curates at a
tracts of space. Penny Reading. Suddenly the Philosopher looked up. He spoke to himself.
CHAPTER IV. “Everything is ready,” he said, and
“My faith," said Lord JOHN, “I pressed a button by his side. There was a sound as of a Continent am getting tired of this, . Shall we never reach the Sun P." expectorating, a distant nose seemed to twang, the door opened, and "Courage, my friend," was the well-known reply of the brave a tall lantern-jawed gentleman, wearing a goat-beard and an little Doctor. “We deviated from our course one hair's-breadth on expression of dauntless cunning, stepped into the room.
the twelfth day. This is the fortieth day, and by the formula for "I guess you were waiting round for me,” said Colonel ZEDEKIAH the precession of the equinoxes, equared by the parallelogram of an D. GOBANG (for it was indeed he), and sat down in an empty arm- ellipsoidal bath-bun fresh from the glass cylinder of a refreshment chair, as if nothing had happened.
bar, we find that we are pow travelling in a perpetual circle at a The Philosopher appeared not to notice. “Next character, distance of one billion marine gasmeters from the Sun. I bare now please,” he said, pulling out a long stop, and placing his square leg accounted for the milk in the cocoa-nut." on the wicket which gave admission to his laboratory, while he “But not,” said the Philosopher, as he popped up through a conwaited for the entrance of the Third Man. There came a murmur cealed trap-door, for the hair outside. That remains for another like the buzz of a ton of blasting powder, in a state of excitement, volume.” With that, he rang a gong. The iceberg splintered into A choir of angels seemed to whisperBeefsteak and Pale Ale," as Lord a thousand pieces. The voyagers were each hurled violently down JOHN BULLPUP dashed, without a trace of emotion, into the room, and into their respective countries, where a savage public was waiting sneezed three times without stopping to wipe his boots on the mat. to devour them.
“One more," said the Philosopher. He hurled himself, feet first, at the ceiling, knocked his head against the floor, and called down the tube. "J'y suis !" came the answer, and the typical, light
TOLSTOI ON TOBACCO. bearted Frenchman, M. le Docteur REVERBI, with his thousand [Count Tolstoi has been declaiming against Tobacco in The Contemporary thunders, and his blue lower chest, tripped jauntily up to the other Review, and this in no way exaggerates his views.] three. “And now," remarked the Philosopher, we have got the Tolstoi fuming, in a pet, TOLSTOI asks us, when do boys lot complete. The story can start. Hurry up! Hark forrard 1 Raves against the cigarette ; First essay Nicotian joys ? En avant ! ” CHAPTER II.
Says it's bad at any time, And he answers, quite agbast,
Leads to every kind of crime;. When their innocence is past. "LEND me your ears," said the Philosopher. They lent them, but And the man who smokes, quotáhe, Gamblers smoke, and then again without interest. Yet they were all keen business men. "Attention, Is as wicked as can be.
Smoking pleases the insane. my friends!” he continued, somewhat annoyed. “You know why I have summoned you. We have to make another journey together. Tolstoi knew a man who said TOLSTOI, when he writes this stuff, The moon, the sea, the earth-we have voyaged and journeyed to He cut off a woman's head; Swears he's serious enough; them, and they are exhausted. It remains to visit the Sun, and to But, when half the deed was done. Lately Marriage earned his sneers; perform the journey in an iceberg. Do you see?, Colonel Gobang Lo, the murderer's courage gone! At Tobacco now he jeers ; will supply the craft, Lord JOHN BULLPUp the stupid courage, and you, and he finished, 'tis no joke, Proving that, without the weed, M. le Docteur," he added, admiringly, “will of course take the cake." Only by the aid of smoke. Some folks may be mad indeed.
“Replying to Sir John MACDONALD's
manifesto, Uncle Sam (trangling his patent Reciprocity Mr. MERCIER said it was ridiculous to say that reciprocity was veiled treason, and meant annexa.
Banjo) sings :tion to the United States."
On, my love my passion can hear-and see,
Over the garden wall;
She is sighing, and casting sheeps' eyes