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1. THERE is a bird who by his coat,
Might be suppos'd a crow;
And dormitory too.
2. About the steeple shines à plate, That turns and turns, to indicate
From what point blows the weather; Look up-your brains begin to swim, 'Tis in the clouds—that pleases him,
He chooses it the rather.
3. Fond of the speculative height,
And thence securely sees
Secure and at his ease.
4. You think no doubt he sits and muses
If he should chance to fall;
Or troubles it at all.
5. He sees that this great round-about,
Church, army, physic, law,
6. Thrice happy bird ! I too have seen
And, sick of having seen 'em,
And such a head between 'em.
VULGAR HOSPITALITY.-DEAN SWIFT. 1. Those inferior duties of life, which the French call les petites morales, or the smaller morals, are with us distinguished by the name of good manners, or breeding. This I look upon, in the general notion of it, to be a sort of artificial good sense, adapted to the meanest capacities, and introduced to make mankind easy in their commerce with each other. It is odd to consider that for want of common discretion, the very end of good breeding is wholly perverted; and civility, intended to make us easy, is employed in laying chains and fetters upon us, in debarring us of our wishes, and in crossing our most reasonable desires and inclinations.
2. This abuse reigneth chiefly in the country, as I found, to my vexation, when I was last there, in a visit I made to a neighbor, about two miles from my cousin. As soon as I entered the parlor, they put me into the great chair, that stood close by a huge fire, and kept me there by force, until I was almost stifled. Then a boy came, in a great hurry, to pull off my boots, which I in vain opposed, urging that I must return soon after dinner.
3. In the meantime, the good lady whispered her eldest daughter, and slipped a key into her hand. The girl returned instantly with a beer-glass half full of aqua mirabilis and syrup of gilly-flowers. I took as much as I had a mind for; but madam vowed I should drink it off, for she was sure it would do me good, after coming out of the cold air; and I was forced to obey,—which absolutely took away my stomach,
4. When dinner came in, I had a mind to sit at a distance from the fire ; but they told me it was as much as my life was worth, and set me with my back just against it. Although my appetite was quite gone, I resolved to force down as much as I could and desired the leg of a pullet. “Indeed, Mr. Bickerstaff,” says the lady, "you must eat a wing to oblige me;" and so put a couple upon my plate. I was persecuted at this rate, during the whole meal.
5. As often as I called for small beer, the master tipped the wink, and the servant brought me a brimmer of October. Some time after dinner, I ordered my
who came with me, to get ready the horses ; but it was resolved I should not stir that night; and when I seemed pretty much bent upon going, they ordered the stable-door to be locked, and the children hid my cloak and boots.
6. The next question was what I would have for supper? I said I never eat anything at night; but was, at last, in my own defence, obliged to name the first thing that came into my
head. After three hours, spent chiefly in apologies for my entertainment, insinuating to me 66 that this was the worst time of the year for provisions; that they were a great distance from any market; that they were afraid I should be starved ; and that they knew they kept me to my loss,” the lady went and left me to her husband, for they took special care I should never be alone. As soon as her back was turned, the little Misses ran backwards and forwards every moment, and constantly, as they came in or went out, made a courtesy directly at me, which, in good manners, I was forced to return with a bow, and “ Your humble servant, pretty Miss.” Exactly at eight the mother came up, and discovered, by the redness of her face, that supper was not far off. It was twice as large as the dinner, and my persecution doubled in proportion.
8. I desired, at my usual hour, to go to my repose; and was conducted to my chamber by the gentleman, his lady, and the whole train of children. They importuned me to drink something before I went to bed; and upon my refusing, at last left
a bottle of stingo, as they called it, for fear I should wake and be thirsty in the night.
9. I was forced in the morning, to rise and dress myself in the dark, because they would not suffer my kinsman's servant to disturb me at the hour I wished to be called. I was now resolved to break through all measures, to get away; and, after sitting down to a monstrous breakfast of cold beef, mutton, neat's tongues, venison-pasty, and stale beer, took leave of the family. But the gentleman would needs see me part of my way, and carry me a short cut through his own grounds, which he told me would save half a mile's riding.
10. This last piece of civility had like to have cost me dear, being once or twice in danger of my neck, by leaping over his ditches, and at last forced to alight in the dirt; when my horse having slipped his bridle, ran away, and took us up more than an hour to recover him again. It is evident, that none of the absurdities I met with in this visit, proceeded from an ill intention, but from a wrong judgment of complaisance, and a misapplication in the rules of it.
THE FLY'S REVENGE.-N. ENG. MAGAZINE
1. “So,” said a fly, as he paused and thought
How he had just been brushed about,
Put into life but to be put out!
2. “Just as if, when our Maker planned
His mighty scheme, he had quite forgot To grant the work of his skillful hand,
The peaceful fly an abiding spot!
3. “They grudge me even a breath of air,
A speck of earth and a ray of sun !
This is more than a fly can bear
Now I'll pay them for what they've done !"
4. First, he lit on the idle thumb
Of a poet, and, “ Now for your thoughts," said he, “Wherever they soar, I'll make them come
Down from their towering flight, to me!"
5. He went and tickled the nasal tip
Of the scholar, and over his eyebrow stung,
A chain of gems that had just been strung.
6. He washed his feet in the worthless tear
A belle at the theatre chanced to weep
Your cheek has a blush that is not skin deep !"
7. Off, to a crowded church, he flew,
And over their faces boldly stepped,
How many sheep in the pasture slept.
8. He buzzed about a lady's ear,
Just as a youth, with piteous sigh,
And only answered, "a saucy fly!"
9. On the astronomer's painted glass
He leisurely stood and stretched his wing;
For quite a great and important thing.
10. “Now is the time," said he, “my man,
To measure the fly from head to heel !
Name the planets that I conceal!