turn? Amazed, confounded, to the dark recess I fly of wood-hole. Straight my bristling hairs erect through sudden fear; a chilly sweat bedews my shuddering limbs, and (wonderful to tell!) my tongu forgets her faculty of speech,-so horrible he seems! His faded brow intrenched with many a frown, and conic beard, and spreading band admired by modern saints, disastrous acts forebode. In his right hand long scrolls of paper solemnly he waves, with characters and figures dire inscribed, grievous to mortal eyes; (ye gods! avert such plagues from righteous men!) Behind him stalks another monster not unlike himself, sullen of aspect, by the vulgar called a Catchpole, whose polluted hands the gods with force incredible and magic charms first have endued: if he his ample palm should haply on illfated shoulder lay of debtor, straight his body, to the touch obsequious, (as whilom knights were wont,) to some enchanted castle is conveyed, where gates impregnable and coercive chains in durance strict detain him, till, in form of Money, Pallas sets the captive free.

XXVI. THE BASHFUL MAN.-Mackenzie.

I LABOUR under a species of distress, which, I fear, will at length drive me utterly from this society, in which I am most ambitious to appear; but I shall give you a short sketch of my origin and present situation, by which you will be enabled to judge of my difficulties.

My father was a farmer of no great property, and with no other learning than what he had acquired at a charity-school; but, my mother being dead, and I an only child, he determined to give me that advantage which he fancied would have made him happy—that is, a learned education. I was sent to a country grammar-school, and from thence to the University, with a view of qualifying myself for holy orders. Here, having but a small allowance from my father, and being naturally of a timid, bashful disposition, I had no opportunity of rubbing off that native awkwardness, which is the fatal cause of all my unhappiness, and which, I now begin to fear, can never be amended. You must know, I am of such extreme susceptibility of shame, that, on the slightest subject of confusion, my blood all rushes into my cheeks, and I appear a perfect full-blown rose. The consciousness of this unhappy failing made me avoid society, and I became enamoured of a college life; particularly when I reflected that the uncouth manners of my father's family were little calculated to improve my outward conduct. I had therefore resolved on living at the University, and taking pupils; when two unexpected events greatly altered the posture of my affairs-namely, my father's death, and the arrival of a rich uncle from the Indies.

This uncle also died, after a short illness; leaving me heir to all his property (weeping). And now, behold me, at the age of-no matter what,--well stocked with Latin, Greek, and mathematics-possessed of an ample fortune-but so awkward, and unversed in any gentlemanlike accomplishment, that I am pointed at by all who see me, as the wealthy learned clown.

I have lately purchased an estate in the country, which abounds with what is called a fashionable neighbourhood; and when you reflect on my parentage and uncouth manners, you will hardly think how much my company is courted by the surrounding families--especially by those who have marriageable daughters! From these gentlemen I

have received familiar calls, and the most pressing invitations; and though I wished to accept their offered friendship, I have repeatedly excused myself, under the pretence of not being quite settled; but the truth is, when I have ridden or walked, with full intention to return their several visits--my heart has failed me as I approached their gates, and I returned homewards, resolving to try again to-morrow. However, I at length determined to conquer my timidity, and, three days ago, accepted of an invitation to dine, this day, with one, whose open, easy manner left me no room to doubt a cordial welcome. Sir Thomas Friendly, who lives about three miles distant, is a baronet, with an estate of about two thousand pounds a-year, adjoining that which I purchased. He has two small sons and five tall daughters, all grown up, and living at Friendly-hall, dependent on their father. Conscious of my unpolished gait, I have, for some time past, taken private lessons from a professor, who teaches "grown up gentlemen to dance;" and although I at first found wondrous difficulty in the art he taught, yet my knowledge of the mathematics was of prodigious use, in teaching me the equilibrium of my body, and the due adjustment of the centre of gravity to the five positions. Having now acquired the art of walking without tottering, and learned to make a bow, I boldly ventured to accept the Baronet's invitation to a family dinner; not doubting but my new acquirements would enable me to see the ladies with tolerable intrepidity: but, alas! how vain are all the hopes of theory, when unsupported by habitual practice! As I approached the house, a dinner-bell alarmed my fears, lest I had spoiled the dinner by want of punctuality. Impressed with this idea, I blushed the deepest crimson, as my name was repeatedly announced by the several livery servants, who ushered me into the library, hardly knowing whom or what I saw. At my first entrance, I summoned all my fortitude, and made my newly-acquired bow to Lady Friendly; but, unfortunately, bringing back my left foot into the third position, I trod upon the gouty toe of poor Sir Thomas, who had followed close at my heels to be the nomenclator of the family. The confusion this accident occasioned in me is hardly to be conceived, since none but bashful men can judge of my distress; and of that description, I believe the ladies know the number is very small. The Baronet's politeness by degrees dissipated my concern; and I was astonished to see how far good-breeding could enable him to suppress his feelings, and to appear at perfect ease after so painful an accident.

The cheerfulness of her ladyship, and the familiar chat of the young ladies, insensibly led me to throw off my reserve and sheepishness, till, at length, I ventured to join in the conversation, and even to start fresh subjects. The library being richly furnished with books in elegant bindings, I conceived Sir Thomas to be a man of literature; and ventured to give my opinion concerning the several editions of the Greek classics-in which the Baronet's ideas exactly coincided with my own! To this subject I was led by observing an edition of Xenophon, in sixteen volumes; which (as I had never before heard of such a thing) greatly excited my curiosity, and I approached to examine what it could be. Sir Thomas saw what I was about, and (as I supposed) willing to save me trouble, rose to take down the book, which made me more eager to prevent him; and, hastily laying my hand on the first volume, I pulled it forcibly when, lo! instead of books, a board, which, by leather and gilding, had been made to look like sixteen volumes, came tumbling down, and, unluckily,

pitched upon a Wedgewood ink-stand on the table under it. In vain did Sir Thomas assure me there was no harm done. I saw the ink streaming from an inlaid table on the Turkey carpet; and, scares knowing what I did, attempted to stop its progress with my cambris handkerchief. In the height of this confusion, we were informea that dinner was served up.

In walking through the hall and suite of apartments to the diningroom, I had time to collect my scattered senses; till I was desired to take my seat at the table, betwixt Lady Friendly and her eldest daughter. Since the fall of the wooden Xenophon, my face had been continually burning like a fire-brand; and I was just beginning to recover myself, and to feel comfortably cool, when an unlooked-for accident rekindled all my heat and blushes. Having set my plate of soup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss Dinah, who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole scalding contents into my lap. In spite of an immediate supply of napkins to wipe the surface of my clothes, they were not stout enough to save me from the painful effects of this sudden fomentation, and, for some minutes, my legs and thighs seemed stewed in a boiling caldron; but, recollecting how Sir Thomas had disguised his torture when I trod upon his gouty toe, I firmly bore my pain in silence, and sat with my lower extremities parboiled, amidst the stifled giggling of the ladies and servants. I will not relate the several blunders which I made during the first course, or the distresses occasioned by my being desired to carve a fowl, or help to various dishes that stood near me, spilling a sauce-boat, and knocking down a salt-cellar; rather let me hasten to the second course, where fresh disasters quite overwhelmed me.

I had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my fork, when Miss Louisa Friendly begged to trouble me for part of a pigeon that stood near me. In my haste, scarce knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into my mouth-hot as a burning coal! it was impossible to conceal my agony; my eyes were starting from their sockets! At last, in spite of shame and resolution, I was obliged to-drop the cause of torment on my plate. Sir Thomas and the ladies all compassionated my misfortune, and each advised a different application. One recommended oil, another water, but all agreed that wine was perhaps the best for drawing out the heat; and a glass of sherry was brought me from the side-board--I snatched it up with eagerness: but oh! how shall I tell the sequel? Whether the butler by accident mistook, or purposely designed to drive me mad, I know not; but he gave me the strongest brandy, with which I filled my mouth, already flayed and blistered. Totally unused to every kind of ardent spirits, with my tongue, throat, and palate, as raw as beef, what could I do? I could not swallow, and, clapping my hands upon my mouth, the burning liquor squirted through my nose and fingers, like a fountain, over all the dishes, and I was crushed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas reprimand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide her daughters; the measure of my shame and their diversion was not yet complete. To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration which this accident had caused, without considering what I did, I wiped my face with that ill-fated handkerchief, till wet from the consequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered my features with streaks of ink in every direction! The Baronet himself could not support this shock, but joined his lady in the

general laugh; while I sprang from the table in despair, rushed out of the house, and ran home, in an agony of confusion and disgrace, which the most poignant sense of guilt could not have excited.

XXVII.—REPORT OF A DAW-SUIT-GOODY GRIM versus LAPSTONE Smith. (Mathews " At Home.")

WHAT a profound study is the law! and how difficult to fathom! Well, let us consider the law; for our laws are very considerable. both in bulk and numbers; according as the statutes declare,considerandi, considerando, considerandum.—and are not to be meddled with, by those who don't understand them.

rate.

Law, always expressing itself with true grammatical precision, never confounding moods, cases, or genders, except, indeed, when a woman happens accidentally to be slain, then a verdict is always brought in man-slaughter. The essence of the law is altercation; for the law can altercate, fulminate, deprecate, irritate, and go on at any "Your son follows the law, I think, Sir Thomas?" "Yes, Madam, but I am afraid he will never overtake it; a man following the law, is like two boys running round a table; he follows the law, and the law follows him." However, if you take away the whereofs, whereases, wherefores, and notwithstandings, the whole mystery vanishes; it is then plain and simple. Now, the quintessence of the law, has, according to its name, five parts:-the first is the beginning, or incipiendum; the second, the uncertainty, or dubitandum; the third, delay, or puzzle-endum; fourthly, replication without endum; and fifthly, monstrum et horrendum: all which are clearly exemplified in the following case-GOODY GRIM AGAINST LAPSTONE. This trial happened in a certain town, which, for reasons, shall be nameless, and is as follows:-Goody Grim inhabited an alms-house, No. 2. Will Lapstone, a superannuated cobbler, lived in No. 3, and a certain Jew Pedlar, who happened to pass through the town where those alms-houses were situated, could only think of number One. Goody Grim was in the act of killing one of her own proper pigs; but the animal, disliking the ceremony, burst from her hold-ran through the semi-circular legs of the aforesaid Jew,-knocked him in the mud, ran back to Will Lapstone's the cobbler, upset a quart bottle full of gin belonging to the said Lapstone, and took refuge in the cobbler's state bed.

The parties, being, of course, in the most opulent circumstances, consulted counsel learned in the law. The result was, that Goody Grim was determined to bring an action against Lapstone "for the loss of her pig with a curly tail;" and Lapstone to bring an action against Goody Grim for the loss of a quart bottle full of Hollandsgin; and Mordecai to bring an action against them both for de losh of a tee-totum dat fell out of his pocket in the rencounter." They all delivered their briefs to counsel; before it was considered, they were all parties and no witnesses. But Goody Grim, like a wise old lady as she was, now changed her battery, determined to bring an action gainst Lapstone, and bind over Mordecai as an evidence. The indictment set forth, "That he, Lapstone. not having the fear of the assizes before his eyes, but being moved by pig and instigated by pruinsence, did, on the first day of April, a day sacred in the annals of the law, steal, pocket, hide, and crib, divers, that is to say,

five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails and did secrete the said five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails, in the said Lapstone's bed, against the peace of our Lady the Queen, her crown, and dignity."

Mordecai was examined by counsellor Puzzle.

"Well, Sir, what are you?"

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I sells old clo' and sealing-vax, and puckles."

I did not ask you what you sold; I ask you what you are?" 'I am about five and forty.'

I did not ask your age; I ask you what you are?"

"I am a Jew."

"Why could'nt you tell me that at first? Well, then, Sir, if you are a Jew, tell me what you know of this affair."

"As I vas a valking along"

Man-I did'nt want to know where you were walking."

"Vel, vel, vel! As I vas a valking along"

"So, you will walk along in spite of all that can be said."

"Plesh ma heart, you frighten me out of my vits-As I vas a valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming towards me and so, says I-Oh! Father Abraham, says I"-

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Father Abraham, Sir, is no evidence."

"You must let me tell my story my own vay, or I cannot tell it at all. As I vas a valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming towards me and so, says I-Oh, Father Abraham, says I, here comes de unclean animal towards me, and he runned between my legs, and upshet me in te mut."

Now, do you mean to say, upon your oath, that that little animal had the power to upset you in the mud?"

"I vill take my oash dat he upshet me in te mut.' "And pray, Sir, on what side did you fall?"

"On te mutty side."

"I mean, on which of your own sides did you fall?" "I fell on my left side."

"Now, on your oath, was it your left side?"

"I vill take ma oash it vas my left side."

"And, pray, what did you do when you fell down?"

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I got up again as fast as I could."

"Perhaps you could tell me whether the pig had a curly tail?" "I vill take ma oash his tail vas so curly as my peerd."

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And, pray, where were you going when this happened?"

I vas going to de sign of de Goose and Gridiron."

Now, on your oath, what has a goose to do with a gridiron ?"

I don't know, only it vas de sign of de house. And all more vat

I know vas, dat I lose an ivory tee-totum out of ma pocket."

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Oh, you lost a tee totum, did you? I thought we should bring you to something at last. My Lord, I beg leave to take an exception to this man's evidence! he does not come into court with clean hands." How de mischief should I, when I have been polishing ma goods all morning?"

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'Now, my Lord, your Lordship is aware that the word tee-totum is derived from the Latin terms of te and tutum, which mean 'keep yourself safe.' And this man, but for my sagacity, observation, and so forth, would have kept himself safe; but now he has, as the learned Lord Verulam expresses it, let the cat out of the bag.'' "I vill take ma oash I had no cat in ma bag."