Keeper. "THERE!-I THOUGHT HE WORN'T A GE'TLEMAN!

DIAGNOSIS.

"I have seen the downstair rooms, Sir," he said, "and can easily light them with the gas to-morrow. I have wired down to the men at Essex, and they can be here by seven o'clock in the morning. But one thing, Sir, your mantelpiece in the dining-room must have a marble fender!"

'SHOOTS 'ITH BROWN CARTRIDGES, AND ON'Y GI' ME 'ALF-A-CROWN!" doing for the last half-hour, to get into a proper frame of mind to answer me. Then he rubbed his chin, and scratched his head. Then he looked at me, grinned, and replied, "Well, some likes 'em, and some don't." I mentioned the patent we were about to use. "Oh, you've got that!" he exclaimed, in anything rather than an encouraging tone, and once more disappeared up the chimney. For four days we lived in a small colony of gas-men. We met them going up-stairs, we found them in cupboards, we came upon them in all sorts of nooks and corners. They banged doors, thumped My blood was up. Iron will met iron will. We fought over the ceilings, and must have left an impression upon our neighbours, that gas-works for twenty minutes. I would have nothing. I withered we had suddenly let our house for the months preceding Christmas the marble fender with suggestions of objections from the ground to a clown rehearsing the rallies in a forthcoming Covent Garden landlord, and waxed eloquent-I was nearly moved to tears by my pantomime. Every time I met the person in fustian, he assured me subject-upon the superior merits of oil over vapour. The man was-but not in too confident a tone-"that, arter all, he might make an able tactician. He saw that a compromise was necessary. He a good job of it."

He said this with the determination of a Judge sentencing a convict to five years' penal servitude. He implied that there was no appeal, and that the only way of expiating my past crimes was through an order for the article he had specified.

66

gave way by degrees. The fender was first abandoned, then the At length we were free. The workmen had disappeared, and I chandeliers in the drawing-room, then the brackets in the conserva- was face to face with the stove. It looked cold and uncomfortable. tory. But he made so fierce and determined a stand in the front It was painfully red, and seemed to be a receptacle for a number of bed-room, that I was forced to surrender. He consequently retired old bricks. I had received my instructions. I was to turn on with the spoils of victory-an order for a gas-stove. I may here this, and light that." I armed myself with a candle, and twisted say that subsequently, on presenting his bill, I found that my per- round a screw. severing friend wanted to charge me nearly double what I had proposed to pay him, on the score that "he had only given me an estimate approximately." After a deadly quarrel, in which he threatened me with the County Court, and I him with a letter to the Times, we compromised the matter, apparently to our mutual dissatisfaction. My last words to him were, I'll go to some one else another time!" His to me (with a grin), "If you do, Sir, make him put it on paper!"

There was a hissing noise resembling a number of serpents impatient for their dinner. I waved the flaring candle wildly about under the bars. The hissing continued, growing louder and louder. Then came a blaze and a bang, which knocked me backwards, and put out the taper. Then a feeble flickering blue flame, resembling a corpse-light on a churchyard in a haunted village, crept up the bricks, and hovered above them. Then a perfume resembling an essence of glue and treacle, pervaded the room impartially. I then felt called upon for a defence. 66

"You see," I observed, that the stove can be lighted, com

gives out, if not exactly that of coal, is distinctly noticeable. Moreover, the hissing sound is certainly not louder than that which would be unquestionably caused by a boiling kitchen kettle. And if there is any smell, at any rate

To resume-the next morning a general hammering all over the place ushered in the autumn sun. The mess had come upon us. Carpets pulled up here, dirty footmarks there, and confusion every-paratively speaking, without danger, and that, although the heat it where. I looked into the drawing-room, and found a person in fustian with his head up the chimney. He leisurely stopped what he was doing, brought down his head, put on his hat, and prepared to enjoy a conversation. He seemed disinclined to discuss his work, but when sharply questioned upon the point, hazarded an opinion that "perhaps arter all he might make a good job of it." What did he think of gas-stoves? He carefully undid all he had been

"That stove," said a firm but soft voice at my elbow, "must be removed." And it has been!

BY THE SEA-SIDE.

(4 Gasp and a Growl from Paterfamilias Fogey.)

IN for it here,

Six weeks or more, Once every year, (Yah, what a bore!)

Daughters and Wife
Force me to bide;
Mad to "see life"
By the Sea-Side!

Go out of Town

What if we do?
Hither comes down
All the world too;
Vanity Fair,

Fashion and Pride,
Seeking fresh air
By the Sea-Side.
Drest up all hands-
Raiment how dear!-
Down on the sands,

Out on the Pier,

Pace to and fro,

See, as at Ryde,

Off how they show
By the Sea-Side!
Fops and fine girls,
Swarm, brisk as bees;
Ribbons and curls

Float on the breeze:
Females and Males
Eye and are eyed;
Ogling prevails
By the Sea-Side!
Daughters may see

Some fun in that.
Wife, how can she,

Grown old and fat?

Scene I survey

But to deride,
Idle display

By the Sea-Side.
Views within reach,
Picturesque scenes,
Rocks on the beach,
Bathing machines,
Shingle and pools,

Left by the tide,
Youth, far from schools,
By the Sea-Side.
Artists may sketch,
Draw and design,
Pencil, or etch;
Not in my line!
Money, no end,

Whilst I am tied
Here, I must spend,
By the Sea-Side!

FUN IN THE FIELD;

OR, THE GENERAL'S LITTLE JOKE. (From our Special Correspondent.) Monday.-Alexandria. Been dodging about for days trying to find where on earth Sir GARNET's got to. Longing to be at the imminent deadly breach-but can't, for life of me, find where the imminent deadly breach is. Anyhow, Sir GARNET not here, that's certain. Wonder why Sir G. W. considers Special Correspondents "those modern curses of armies." But he must be found at all hazards. So off, to-morrow, to the Soudan. "Oh, 'tis Soudan! as SHAKSPEARE remarks somewhere.

66

HOLIDAY HAUNTS.

By Jingle Junior on the Jaunt.
SCARBOROUGH.

LONG way from London-no matter-fast train-soon here-once here don't wish to leave-palatial hotels-every luxury-good tables d'hôte-pleasant balls-lively society! Exhilarating air-good as champagne without "morning after"-up early-go to bed late-authorities provide something better than a broken-down pier, a circulating library, and a rickety bathingmachine-authorities disburse large sums for benefit of visitors-visitors spend lots of money in town-mutual satisfaction-place crowded-capital bands-excellent theatricals-varied entertainments-right way to do it! The Spa-first discovered 1620people been discovering it ever since-some drink it-more walk on it-lounge on itsmoke on it-flirt on it-wonderful costumes in the morning-more wonderful in the afternoon-most wonderful in the evening! North Sancs-south Sands-fine old Castle well placed-picturesque old town-wellbuilt modern terraces, squares and streets-pony-chaises-ridinghorses-Lift for lazy ones! Capital excursions-Oliver's Mount

Carnelian Bay-Scalby Mill-Hackness - Wykeham - Filey! Delightful gardens-secluded seats-hidden nooks-shady bowerswell-screened corners-Northern Belles-bright eyes-soft nothings -eloquent sighs-squozen hands-before you know where you areask papa-all up-dangerous very! Overcome by feelings-can't write any more-friend asks me to drink waters-query North Chalybeate or South Salt Well-wonder which-if in doubt try soda qualified with brandy-good people scarce-better run no risk!

SOME NEW BOOKS AND NEW EDITIONS.

"NEW Arabian Nights. By R. LOUIS STEVENSON." New Arabian Nights, and new Arabian lights. New lamps for old ones. Electric lights, perhaps, of a sort-but will they supersede the old gas?

"Bimbi. By OUIDA." Bimbi, how pronounced? Bimby? Or Bimebye, as the swains in the south-west say, meaning by-and-by? If so, Bimbi might be otherwise entitled Hereafter a Tale of Other Times. Perhaps it is a prophecy. At any rate, let us hope that Bimbi will prove a success, and do credit to OUIDA both by-and-by and now.

66

Tuesday.-Here I am in the Soudan. Curious, no troops anywhere about. But have just heard from Sir GARNET's own Aidede-camp that Sir G. and the 245th Highlanders are to be at Suez to-morrow, without fail. So I at once order out my special camel, and start for Suez. Flip, &c. By BRET HARTE." Flip was a spirituous compound, Wednesday.-Suez. Provoking! Sir GARNET not here, and tele- much celebrated once in bacchanalian sea-songs, along with rum, as gram awaiting me from Aide-de-camp, saying "he's very sorry" &c." are probably meant other intoxicating liquors whose cona beverage ordinarily on draught amongst able-bodied seamen. By but Sir G. changed his mind at last moment, and is now to be found at Ismailia, not Suez." sumption is customary on board of men-of-war. Be that as it may, has the work above-named been rightly imputed to BRET HARTE? Is it not the composition of another more likely joker? Should it not, with due regard to reality, have been announced as "Flip, &c. By Sir WILFRID LAWSON"? What other humorist would be so likely to have a flap at Flip and a fling at &c.?

Thursday.-Ismailia. Hurrah! Have found Sir GARNET at last. All the troops as well. Ironclads, artillery, hundreds of transports -this is really war! I am transported. General order issuedtroops to be ready to start to-morrow for Mecca, as ARABI has escaped to Arabian Desert, and gone there. Order my camel again, also my Bedouins, and by midnight am well on way towards Mecca. Escort want to know "if I'm really going to Mecca." I say, "Yes, of course." They reply that it'll take "three months to get there;" consequently, they all desert me to a man. How provoking! Nothing for it but to return to Ismailia.

Friday.-Back in Ismailia. Find Sir GARNET still here: also troops. Nobody gone to Mecca! Why? I at once interview Brigadier-General on the deceptive nature of the news and general orders furnished to Special Correspondents. Brigadier-General very polite. Says unexpected intelligence just been received, that ARABI has left Mecca and gone to Tripoli. Says he wouldn't tell this to everybody. Kind of Brigadier-General, as, usually, these military

Lines picked up on a Fashionable Tennis Lawn.
FAR, far from the Town and its turmoil and riot,
Would I list to the song-birds and hear the leaves rustle-
But how can I hope for a moment of quiet

When the girls on the Lawn are all racquet and bustle?

PROVERBIAL PARADOX.- Poeta nascitur non fit. How so, if SHAKSPEARE is a Survival of the Fittest?

TO CORRESPONDENTS.-In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

A MASTERY OVER THE CONSTRUCTION OF THE ACCORDION,
AN ACQUAINTANCE WITH THE PECULIARITIES OF WHISKEY,
AND A RESPECT FOR THE EPISTOLARY TALENTS OF LORD KIMBERLEY.
HE APPEARED SUDDENLY, ONE AFTERNOON,

IN A BACK STREET IN KENSINGTON,

TO TAKE DOWN AN IRON BEDSTEAD,

EAT ONE POUND AND THREE-QUARTERS OF BEEF-STEAK AT A SITTING,
AND CLAIM THE THRONE OF HIS ANCESTORS.

DISCOVERED TO BE THE FIRST AND ONLY FOREIGN POTENTATE
WHO HAD EVER SUCCESSFULLY BAFFLED
AND COMPLETELY WORSTED

A TOTAL ABSTINENCE DEPUTATION,
AND THEREBY

REVEALING RARE AND HITHERTO UNSUSPECTED QUALITIES

OF GENUINE STATESMANSHIP,

HE ADMITTED THAT HE WAS PROBABLY BY NO MEANS THE LAST

WHOM

A VISIT TO THE REGENT'S PARK ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS,
AN INSPECTION OF MR. WHITELEY'S ESTABLISHMENT,
AND A RIDE IN THE CABIN OF A WOOLWICH STEAMBOAT,
WOULD FAVOURABLY IMPRESS

WITH A CONVICTION OF THE PERMANENT STABILITY AND EXTENT
OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE.
THUS, AFTER SHOWING,

BY REFERRING TO HER MOST GRACIOUS MAJESTY AS "HIS

MOTHER,"

AND SLIDING DOWN THE BALUSTERS TO DINNER,

THAT HE WAS MORE SOLICITOUS

OF MANIFESTING KINDLY DEVOTION TO THE CROWN

THAN OF CULTIVATING

THE NICER USAGES OF SOCIETY,
HE WAS RESTORED TO HIS RIGHTS,

WITH AN IMPERIAL AND ADVENTUROUS MAGNANIMITY,
THAT LEFT HIM NO ALTERNATIVE BUT TO EXPRESS
HIS GRATEFUL ACKNOWLEDGMENTS,
AFTER THE CUSTOM OF HIS FATHERS,
BY INDULGING, WITH THE WHOLE OF HIS RETINUE,
INSTANTLY, BUT DIPLOMATICALLY,
IN A NINE HOURS' BREAKDOWN.

FINALLY DISPOSED OF AS A SALOON PASSENGER,
ON THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER,
AFTER BEING MOBBED BY FEW,
ENVIED BY NONE,

BUT HIGHLY RESPECTED BY ALL,
HE LEFT THESE SHORES,

TO LAND WHEREVER HE CONVENIENTLY CAN
IN HIS OWN DOMINIONS,

WHERE,

WHETHER HE BE WELCOME OR NOT,
IT IS PROBABLE

THAT HE WILL THEN AND THERE
WITHOUT A MOMENT'S HESITATION

Go FOR JOHN DUNN,

TAKE OFF HIS BOOTS,

AND DISAPPEAR WITH A WAR-WHOOP

INTO THE WILDS OF THAT NATIVE BUSH

FROM WHICH IT IS TO BE REASONABLY AND DEVOUTLY HOPED

HE WILL NEVER AGAIN EMERGE.

DESIGN, BY OUR CHURCH-AND-STAGE-GUILDED YOUTH, FOR A STAINED GLASS WINDOW, TO BE PUT UP IN THE CHURCH OF SS. MARIA, BANCROFTIUS, ET CECILIUS, AT PONTRESINA. THE DESIGN WAS NOT, WE REGRET TO SAY, FXHIBITED UNTIL AFTER MRS. BANCROFT HAD ALREADY GIVEN A WINDOW, MR. BANCROFT A BELL, AND MR. ARTHUR CECIL THE BOOKS. "BELL, BOOK," BUT WHERE WAS THE " KENDAL"? "NOT IN IT."

Blarmed shame!-done it 'underds a times; but, since mucked in
this 'ere pretty penny, shall

Think, 'fore I houts with my knife, of that blessed old shiser the
Seneschal.

"CAPTURED COLOURS" (as exhibited at Dublin and in Lancaster Spiles 'arf the fun of a outing, no use knife or pencil to carry!
Gaol).-GRAY and GREEN.
But a quid and a 'arf for a cut, is a trifle too lofty for 'ARRY.