THAT INFIDEL EARL! (Plain Language from Artless Ahmed, Istamboul.) AIR-" That Heathen Chinee." SULTAN sings I-ASIDE-may remark,And I mean to speak plain,That for games that are dark, Masked by manners urbane, That Infidel Earl licks me hollowAnd I am no novice inane. DUFFER-IN is his name, But I'm bound to deny, What that name might imply. Though his smile is so pleasant and placid, A Sheitan there lurks in each eye. Istamboul was the spot Where we played, and you'd guess We sat down to the game, I felt sure that the same He could not understand; But he smiled as he sat at the table With the smile that was placid and bland. ONCE ALAS, NEXT DAY SHE HAS AN OPPORTUNITY OF JUDGING, FOR SHE My cards were well stocked,- For when playing with sons of burnt fathers But the hands which were played Were a shame, and a sin, Then I felt that my guile Was but simple and slight, And he said, "That's all right! Think I'll take the next turn with dear TEWFIK!" And he started for Cairo that night. In the little game there Be the game short or long, He has Sheitan's own luck; And you'll find in this goose-as I thought him Which is why I remark, Though I own it with pain,] That for games that are dark, Masked by manners urbane, That Infidel Earl licks me hollow, And I don't want to play him again! OUT OF PLACE. THE person who declined to contribute to a fund-say for presenting a golden warming-pan to Mr. GLADSTONE-Would hardly be looked upon as ungracious. He would decline, not, probably, as grudging a tribute to the PREMIER, but on the grounds that the fitness of things was violated by the form of the proposed offering. The pure and pleasing American poet, whose loss all English-speaking people lament, is worthy of all suitable honour. It is because admitting an American Singer to a place so specially set apart for English celebrities as Westminster Abbey does not appear to Mr. Punch to be a suitable honour, that he feels little sympathy with the proposal for placing a bust of LONGFELLOW in Poet's Corner. Let genial Earl GRANVILLE, and the wellmeaning Committee devise a memorial to the honoured Author of Hiawatha, which shall enable us to give free and glad play to our sympathy with genius, and with our American kinsmen, without feeling that the grace of the tribute is marred by its singular inappropriateness. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-NOVEMBER 11, 1882. A FRIENDLY GAME. SUBLIME PORTE (Aside to KHEDIVE). "YOU'LL HAVE TO DO ALL YOU KNOW! HE'S BEST-ED ME!!!" ARABI Pasha, the Defendant in this case, is accused of being a rebel, a coward, an incendiary, a thief, and a murderer. For some time he was in the Egyptian Army, and, during his service therein, he rose to be a Colonel, a Pasha, an Under-Secretary, a Secretary of State, and a Dictator. He also was awarded the highest Oriental Decoration by the SULTAN, avowedly because he was a rebel, a coward, an incendiary, a thief, and a murderer. The Defendant denies the accusations, and answers that all he did was for the benefit of his native country, in the interests of the British, with the consent of the KHEDIVE and at the instigation of the SULTAN. Proofs. was not at war with the English, never fired a shot at an European, and only remained in Egypt during the disturbances, because he was employed as a Special Correspondent on the staffs of The Record, The St. James's Gazette, and The Sunday at Home. Call The Sultan of TURKEY, who will corroborate the evidence of the Defendant. The Witness will also prove (under pressure) that he was present at the Battle of Tel-el-Kebir in a balloon, from which coign of also admit (under pressure) that he loved ARABI as his own son, vantage he directed the movements of the Egyptian Army. He will destined him as his successor on the Imperial Throne, in consideration of a promise of £E.90,000,000 (a promise already sold to the Galata Bankers for £50 British, and undertook to present medicated coffee to Sir E. COLVIN, the Duke of CONNAUGHT, and Admiral SEYMOUR. Call The "False Prophet," a gentleman of uncertain identity. This Witness will prove that the Defendant had no intention of organising the Egyptian Rebellion, having arranged (in the event of the Soudan becoming an undesirable resting-place for the Witness) to enter into partnership with the Witness, under the title of "ARABI, SNOOKS, & Co.," to carry on a Wine and Cigar Commission business in or about the neighbourhood of the Haymarket, London. Call The Defendant is at present a prisoner in the hands of the Egyptians, supervised by the British Army of Occupation. He will prove that he is, and always has been, passionately attached to practical joking. He remembers having frightened the present KHEDIVE into fits by asking him riddles at the head of half-a-dozen battalions of negro troops. He also has some recollection of causing the bombardment of Alexandria by good-humouredly preparing to blow the English Fleet off the face of the waters. He will produce telegrams proving that he did not take a step without the consent of The Khedive of EGYPT, alias TEWFIK (pronounced "TOOTHPICK"), the SULTAN, and that the idea of firing under cover of a flag of truce who will corroborate the evidence of the Defendant. This witness was suggested by the KHEDIVE at the instigation of the French will also prove (under pressure) that he advised the Defendant to Controller-General. He will also hand in a letter from Prince Von take the steps of which the English Government complain, being BISMARCK approving of the murder of M. DE LESSEPS with a carving-desirous of retiring from Egypt. He will admit that he offered to knife labelled, "Sir GARNET WOLSELEY." He will prove that the abdicate in favour of the Defendant, on the latter undertaking to torches used in causing the conflagration at Alexandria were fur-purchase a house for him in South Kensington, and a perpetual nished by M. GREVY, President of the French Republic, and that right to occupy a Stall at the Gaiety. He will allow (under the guns used in the defence of Tel-el-Kebir were officered by Artil-pressure) that the idea was repudiated by the Defendant, on account lery, kindly lent by the CZAR. He will explain that the rough of a trivial dispute about the purchase of some gas-fittings. sketch of the campaign was furnished to him by the King of ITALY, after consultation with the Emperor of AUSTRIA and the King of the BELGIANS. He will give an account of the arms, ammunition, and accoutrements lent to him by the President of the Swiss Republic and the King of the NETHERLANDS. He will finally declare that he Call Prince VON BISMARCK, who is Chancellor of the German Empire. This Witness will put in a long correspondence in cipher between all the Crowned Heads of Europe (with the exception of Her Britannic Majesty), clearly proving that the Defendant was merely an agent |