THE LONGFELLOW MEMO RIAL (PROPOSED COMPANION HE CAN'T BE MADE A KNIGHT, BECAUSE HE IS ONE ALREADY. AS LORD MAYOR, A FINE-KNIGHT EXISTENCE OF ONE YEAR. "GOOD DAY!"-THEN, "GOOD KNIGHT!" FOR). A Shortfellow Memorial. A statuette of General MITE, the Midget. for the SULTAN, the KHEDIVE, and the Rulers of Russia, Austria, Portugal, Sweden, Denmark, Greece, Italy, the Brazils, China, Servia, the Transvaal, and the Argentine Republic. The Witness will also prove that the President of the French Republic begged his good offices to secure the completion of the Tunnel between Calais and Dover, with a view to a French annexation of the Bank of England. He will also produce letters from Messrs. GREVY, GAMBETTA, LÉON SAY, and VICTOR HUGO, all speaking in abusive terms of Mr. GLADSTONE, and the Marquis of SALISBURY. Re-call The Defendant, who will prove anything and everything, and finally (with the consent of the Bench) sing his own version of that popular song," They all do it!" EGYPTIAN NAMES WITH ENGLISH VARIATIONS. THEY still talk of Arăbi Bey Mispronounce them, JOHN BULL, as you may? He has surely best right to the call Of the tune, who the piper will pay. "UNSATISFACTORY COMMERCIAL RELATIONS."--Our "Uncles." HE HAS, Now, THE LOGIC OF THE THE Meteorological Forecasts issued by the scientific Weather-Office have lately on several days been curiously confuted and flatly falsified by the actual weather. A really remarkable contrast to those prognostications is presented by the "Weather Predictions" of jolly old ZADKIEL. The Meteorologists' prophecies embrace several specific districts as to which they respectively more or less differ. Those of ZADKIEL relate to nowhere in particular. Consequently, they are most of them tolerably sure to prove correct somewhere. Right you are again. Another case of fulfilled prediction every day. Diurnal witness to the veracity of the Voice of the Stars. A fig for Meteorology, and Astrology for ever! Hooray for Astrology! Sold againMeteorologists, and Zadkiel's Almanack. "Lancet' says I DEAR OLD CHAPPIE, THE Lancet informs me I mustn't go to Brighton, that I mustn't drink soda-water, that I mustn't smoke cigarettes, and that I mustn't have my head shampooed. This is all very well, don't you know? but how is a fella to amuse himself at this season of the year? The Gaiety isn't open all day, and my favourite solitaire is lost. Life is a blank. Yours most dolefully, MARMY MASHER. To Boss PUNCH, Esq. HAMBURGH, NOT HUMBUG. THIS is a city where the sale of drink is practically unrestricted. The basement of about every third house in the most frequented streets is a drinking-shop; and there are plenty of cafés and restaurants, where the people' sit, and read, and drink, and smoke in comfort. There are no fixed hours of closing, and yet the taverns are quiet and orderly, and liquor is good and cheap. A drunken man is rare, a drunken woman rarer. The fact that two hundred Police are found sufficient to control 400,000 people, including a large maritime population, may be taken as a proof that grown men, if not British slaves, can occasionally be trusted to look after themselves. Beer is freely mixed with music, Sundays and working days. Dancing is popular, and is not watched by the Police. The German Grandmother has found a way of regulating the dangerous classes, without pestering respectable and responsible people. The streets, unlike the streets in the city of Britons-Never-Never, are passable at all hours for all people, and especially after eleven at night. Happy Hamburg! The Wish. (By an Angry Tory.) So GLADSTONE-confound him-has "rallied his forces," And spurts for the goal-may it be but a spurt! I wish we could dish him. He's fond of "three courses," But oh! for the hour when he gets his dessert! THE LATE HEAVY GALES.-Light as Air. Oakley. Going anywhere to-night? Crowndale. Nonsense! When a man is married, he has a home, and his things round him Oakley. Yes, in the shape of rates and taxes and gas-bills- Crowndale. Don't know. As a matter of fact, I am getting sick with an arm-chair. As for books, when Mrs. KENSINGTON bolted of knocking about every night. Oakley. That's liver. Crowndale. It's always the same, with now and then a break for a pull, and there isn't much fun in it, after all. I know every piece at any theatre we go to by heart. And the people one meets are always the same, and the suppers are always the same, except that they used to be cheery, about the time one left Eton, and are now uncommonly dreary. Oakley. You should see a Doctor, old Chappie, or, with any luck, we shall be losing you. You don't take enough exercise. Crowndale. That comes well from you, who have to take a cab from the Albany to Piccadilly Circus. I take heaps of exercise. I was at the Fencing Club over an hour this afternoon. Oakley. Did you have the gloves on ? Crowndale. Well, no, but I saw a lot of chaps who did; and, do you know, I believe that at times, when you are a bit off colour, seeing other people take exercise does you as much good as taking it yourself. Oakley. You might as well say that living opposite the Hammam did away with the necessity of washing. Ah! by the bye, have the chill taken off your tub. Cold water is about the worst thing for the liver Crowndale. Confound the liver! You seem to think that a man is nothing else but liver! Oakley. Few of the men I know are Crowndale. Well, I am. And if you want to know, old Chappie, what is the matter with me, why, I am downright honestly in love with a girl. Oakley. My dear boy, for Heaven's sake, don't marry- Crowndale. Some. Oakley. So have we all, and a very small sum it is. Crowndale. None to us, living as we live now. But married life is so much cheaper. Oakley. So they say; but a Stall at the Gaiety costs ten shillings, and two Stalls a sovereign. There's not much saving there. Crowndale. When you are married, you don't want to go to the Gaiety every night. Oakley. No, because your wife won't let you; but you must go somewhere-to the Lyceum, or the Opera, or some place where you are bored. TO CORRESPONDENTS.-In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. with BLOOMSBURY, and nobody could make out why she went with such a little beast, I said that KENSINGTON belonged to the Grosvenor Gallery, and used to take home all the new books, and read them to her of an evening. All the Johnnies at mess agreed with me that she was perfectly justified. Crowndale. Ah! but that has nothing to do with it. Really, a man is much steadier when he is married. Oakley. Because he is so much harder up. Crowndale. Because he doesn't waste money in idiocy. Oakley. Then there is no hunting, no shooting, no fishing? Crowndale. My bonny boy, matrimony doesn't stop them. Oakley. Certainly not, if you have a place of your own; but it would for you. People are glad enough to see you at their houses; but you, with a wife, are a serious undertaking. Crowndale. Does a man want to be shooting and hunting all his life? Oakley. Not all; but about half of it. Then there's no Newmarket. Crowndale. Why not? Oakley. You can't go punting when you've got a wife to keep. Crowndale. No, I suppose not. Oakley. Of course not. No Greenwich, no Richmond, no launches, no picnics, no old friends. Crowndale. Do you think I should give up one of my old friends? Oakley. You all ask that question indignantly, but you always do give up your old friends. Look at LAWRENCE! Crowndale. Look at Madame's temper! Oakley. He didn't know that before he married her. Oakley. Married a month! Ample experience to judge by. Why, there have been women I haven't been tired of in six months, and who would bore me to death in a quarter of an hour, too. Hang BERTIE! He has started you! Men never think how infectious marriage is. If a Johnny with scarlet-fever were to come into a room full of his pals, no name would be bad enough for him; but a man goes and selfishly marries, and not a word 's said against him. Crowndale. Ah! It is no use talking to you. I say, old Chappie, it is ten o'clock. We may as well get along. We shall see the best part of the Second Act if we get a decent cab. Oakley. I'm game. Et après? Crowndale. I don't believe they are doing anything to-night. May as well try. I will write a note now, and we can send it round when we get to the theatre. Oakley. Oh, capital! Hope they'll come. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. OUT-MATTHEWING ARNOLD! Sir Pompey Bedell. "AND PRAY THEN, MR. GRIGSBY, BY WHAT SCALE DO YOU RANK THE DIFFERENT CLASSES THAT MAKE UP THE POPULATION OF ENGLAND?" Mr. Grigsby. "WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I PUT THOSE WHO LIVE BY THE EXERCISE OF AN INTELLECTUAL PROFESSION, LIKE MYSELF. (G. is a Briefless Barrister who writes Comic Songs.) "NEXT TO THESE I PLACE THE ARISTOCRACY, ON ACCOUNT OF THEIR POOTY MANNERS." THEN COMES THE WORKING-MAN, WHO EARNS HIS BREAD BY THE SWEAT OF HIS BROW. AFTER HIM (A GOOD LONG WAY, OF COURSE), THE CRIMINAL CLASSES; AND, LAST OF ALL, THE MIDDLE CLASS, OF WHICH YOU, SIR POMPEY, ARE AT ONCE A PILLAR AND AN ORNAMENT. TATA!" [Digs Sir Pompey in the ribs, and skedaddles. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. LONGMAN'S New Monthly Magazine gives, as far as quality goes, a good sixpenn'orth, though, in spite of the varied attractions, and even of Mr. ANSTEY's story, which is a very funny idea, and sounds like a series of those German comic picture-sheets told in one short tale, we could wish it were all JAMES PAYN, as by the time we'd reached the end of the Third Chapter of "Thicker than Water," it was most annoying to find that a month must elapse before we shall hear any more of it; and by that time we shall have quite forgotten the commencement. It's one of the best openings AMES PAYN has given for some time; in fact, it is as sparkling as the opening of Cham-pagne. Thicker than Water, or a Tale of the Thames, and the Magic Microscope "but we will not anticipate. The plan of interleaving this magazine with occasional advertisements may be very profitable, but it is calculated to spoil the reader's temper, and does not improve its appearance. 66 The Pig Family (published by GRIFFITH AND FARRAN), by ARTHUR A. GIBSON.-Good nursery book, illustrated by a talented Artist, who must have had a stye in his eye. 66 Our Little Ones.-A biggish book for them, profusely illustrated by an army of Artists. We were going to have said a host of Artists," only as, in these days of art-patronage, there are so many of 'em, and hostesses too, the expression is liable to misconstruc THE GRAND YOUNG MAN; OR, FATHER WILLIAM "EWART" ANSWERED. "You look young, little RANDOLPH," the Old One cried, "Yet you're up on your legs every day; You have impudence too, an amazing amount! "Your wisdom, your years," little RANDOLPH replied, And the honours that some think your due, Merely force me to strut in your path and proclaim "You are young, little RANDOLPH," the Old One cried, "If your elders excite but your jeers; But tell me, now do, how it comes that, though young, You are so ill-behaved for your years." "I am so ill-behaved," little RANDOLPH replied, "Because I believe in myself, And regard such old fogies as NORTHCOTE and you As lumber but fit for the shelf." "You're too good, little RANDOLPH," the Old One cried, "And of gumption you're certainly full; But I never could quite understand why you seem To enjoy playing frog to my bull." "Old pippin, it's clear," little RANDOLPH replied, But I'm making my game, and the public all round "BELT V. LAWES."-WHAT a grand day for the Last of the Barons when a real Live Dowager Duchess sat by His Lordship on the Bench, and gave her testimony in the Belt Case from that exalted situation. O wasn't the Baron a proud and happy man! and O so polite and sweet! But why should Duchesses be exempt from the ordinary rules as to the position of witnesses ? Didn't the late Lord Mayor, on the last day of his existence (as Chief Magistrate), get into the box? Of course, we mustn't make any remarks while this case is sub judice, or we shall incur the Baron's awful wrath ("Bring me my boots!" cried the Baron, intending them for an offender's head), but we may say that, as far as the sound of a name goes for anything, we shouldn't like to do anything against the Laws. Joke for the Baron when he sums up. WHY should Sir CHARLES RIVERS WILSON, C.B., have been badgered about the "Eagle Pass and Air Line". which sounds as if the scheme were still in nubibus, and the stations "castles in the air"-into quitting the Trustee-ship which he was assisting to steer much to the public advantage? Flow on, thou shining RIVERS, and may thy banks be always sound! and we venture to think that, in this instance, the difficulty about RIVERS might have been bridged over, in which case, RIVERS need not have been crossed in this meddle-and-muddling style. tion. The illustration to "Willie and Pussie," which is repeated on the Wrapper, is especially good. a small sum. The Fairies have appointed, as trustees for their gifts, Fairy Gifts, illustrated by KATE GREENAWAY, can be obtained for Messrs. GRIFFITH AND FARRAN in London, E. P. DILLON in New York, and probably other trustees for FARRAN parts. The cover of Fairy Land is superior to Fairy Gifts; a fact that may be interesting to Fairy Sportsmen. The stories in both are amusing, and considerably above the average. If you want to ascertain the real value of a book intended for children, try it on them, and see how they like it. We did this with Miss CLARKSON'S Fly Away Fairies, and elicited such rapturous exclamations as "O, isn't it pretty! "O, isn't that pretty!" with other notes of admiration. Such Child's Lights" are safe guides. Wee Babies, by IDA WAUGH, which-this from the united nursery voice-"We babies like very very much. Boo'ful!!" MRS. RAMSBOTHAM has a young Cousin, who is just about to sail as a Midshipman, and she wishes to know which would be the most suitable and useful present to give him-a Sexton or a Quadroon. WHY does a Card-sharper wear a side-pocket in his overcoat? Just to "keep his hand in.' (Sold again!) GOOD NEWS FOR BURGLARS. [An ingenious couple at Bolton having caught a burglar by leaving the door on the latch, he was brought up at the present Manchester Assizes, when the Judge ruled that the charge of burglary could not be proceeded with, inasmuch as the door was not secured, and the prisoner could only be tried for being found on the premises under suspicious circumstances.] OH, merry is the Burglar that stands beside the door; 66 Before he can steal anything my just revenge I wreak PEACE WORK, OR A HOLIDAY TASK FOR OUR ARMY.-Teaching the young idea how to shoot. |