PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CETEWAYO'S COMING! WHAT 'LL THEY DO WITH HIM? "NO REASONABLE OFFER REFUSED." IMPROVEMENT AND NO D.T.-ERIORATION.-Opening in State of posed to be ready to throw cold water on everything, and desirous the new Daily Telegraph Offices last Wednesday, when Royal High- of even putting out the "Grand Old Man." nesses, Grand Transparencies, Excellencies, General Brilliances, and peated a certain Royal Personage, adding, as he turned to the All the Talents were sumptuously entertained from ten at night till Proprietor-Editor, "in fact quite a Levée-Lawson." Great crowd," reany time the next morning. bined, though a band was scarcely required, seeing what a Machinery and Music" were com 66 66 power fal Organ the Proprietors of the D. T. possess on their own always recommended to try the favourite food of the natives-those premises. Ladies were shown the separate loose boxes where the CAKES AND CUSTOMS.-Foreigners visiting Richmond should be leaders are kept, and the stall where Pegasus stands ready saddled little cakes called Maids of Honour. And when they visit Windsor and bridled for the most daring journalist. The room where ARNOLD's they should be careful to show their thorough acquaintance with Exercises" are written attracted much attention, and the D. T. special of Old Windsor. composer, Signor AR-DI-TI, was much interested in visiting the "comEnglish manners and customs by ordering at dessert several cakes positeurs" department. The Electric Light was rendered almost highly recommended by the faculty. Taken with water, on a dusty day, they are unnecessary by the presence of "G.A.S.," whose brilliant reflections will make memorable the brightest days of the D. T. as the George Augustan Era of Journalism. Duke, who, from his interest in the Fire Brigade, is generally sup"Great crowd," observed a Noble for Desdemona? Here's a chance! [THE writer of From the Cross Benches, in the Observer, has drawn attention to the eye-glasses of the House of Commons, through which individual Members take their peculiar views of public affairs. The "Ayes" having had it "with glasses round," our Artist has let the "Noes" have it. The public will find little difficulty in apportioning each nose to its rightful owner, as in every instance the correct tip has been given.] House of Commons, Monday Night, June 26.-Great rush on CHAPLIN to-night. Always the case now when there comes up geographical question. Everybody turns to CHAPLIN. The thing to know is, where's Birkenhead, and how to get there? Overmastering desire to see the place that has returned Mr. MACIVER as its representative. Some difficulty in finding CHAPLIN. Mind distracted by the affairs of Europe. Still, always accessible to humble querists. Ever ready to impart useful information. 66 Birkenhead," he says, “is a one-horse place situate on the Mersey, a river which runs from land to sea, through Runcorn and other salubrious rural districts." Lot of men going down. Spend Saturday to Monday, thoroughly examine the place, and make acquaintance of the singular people who live there. Meanwhile, have MacIVER with us, more than ever like Jack-in-the-Box, popping up every two minutes at question time with intent to move Adjournment. The SPEAKER, who takes a fatherly interest in young men, did his best to save the youth, but no use. Egged on by Members near him, who are always ready for a lark. "It's that young rascal, HICKS, that's at the bottom of this," HARCOURT says, with trained faculty for getting at the root of conspiracies. MACIVER on his legs, gets in a word occasionally edgewise amid the uproar. Howled at impartially from both sides. Cheered on by the humorous HICKS. a It was when he sat down that there was a rush for CHAPLIN, to get to know all about Birkenhead. Business done.-Obstruction. Tuesday Morning.-We are a great business assembly, and pattern to the world. Wasted our time till Midnight, then set to Then Westminster saw another sight. SPEAKER ill, and no wonder. But nothing can tame the restless spirit of LYON PLAYFAIR, nor sap his monumental energy. work. "Could you manage without me in the morning, PLAYFAIR ?" SPEAKER asked; "got a bad cold. Dr. LYONS (whose address still the same), ordered me to put my feet in hot water, and head out of the window for half-an-hour. It's a little hard on you; but, if you don't mind Why, cert'nly," said the Leonine PLAYFAIR. "GossET not very well, either, and he may as well go. I can manage to be Speaker, Chairman of Committees, and Sergeant-at-Arms all at same time." But Captain GOSSET would not go. "BRADLAUGH might come," said the indomitable man-at-arms," and I would not be absent from my post.' So LYON PLAYFAIR's ambition was limited to the accomplishment of the dual office of Speaker and Chairman of Committees. A beautiful sight to see him hopping from SPEAKER's chair to his own, according as the House was in Committee, or sitting in full estate. "Corsican Brothers nothing to it," said Sir ERSKINE MAY, looking on, full of admiration. The man who rides two horses at the "Reminds me," said HARCOURT, as LYON PLAYFAIR skipped backwards and forwards, whilst the young day looked in and blinked with astonishment, of the early bird trying to catch the worm." Business done.-Votes in Supply. 66 same moment of no account." Every step he took tremendous jingling. Thought first it was the Wolff-Ee? On the shores of Gitche Gumee Pointing with her finger westward, Son of Keneu, great war-eagle, Bring your arrows jasper-headed, Quit your Randolph-Church-a-Lily. Ees, With his deer hoofs Jing-Ly-Ing-Ly. "Don't know," I said, perhaps a little shortly. Distinguished Foreigner's conversational style, like his name and his deer-hoofs, a trifle too polysyllabic for me. Oh, very well," said the dark gentleman in trimmed trousers, evidently a little hurt. "I'll call to-morrow." And he stalked off, jingling," God Bless the Prince of Wales" with his deer-hoofs. Business done.-Obstruction. ference. Baron DE WORMS full of information. After all, DILKE Thursday Night.-All sorts of rumours current about the Conthe only safe man. Go and ask him. Found him in his room behind short answers. Busy with the Times. Mr. SPEAKER's chair, where he smokes long cigars, and concocts 66 66 Anything fresh about Conference to-day ?" "Just looking," said DILKE. Always read the Paris CorreAffairs. Learn more there than is to be found at the Foreign Office. spondent of the Times when I want to know anything about Foreign Sometimes BLOWITZ is a little hampered with his responsibilities. Can't tell all he knows, for fear of European complications. But, compared with him, and WORMS an ignoramus. Fact is, BLOWITZ on the whole, does pretty well. ASHMEAD-BARTLETT a mere chicken is the Grand Old Man of English journalism. Have a cigar? Not just now? Well, 'oh reevor,' as BIGGAR said to the maiden lady when he quitted Paris, not meaning to return. All very well this. But DILKE hasn't answered my question about the Conference. Begin to think there's more in complaints against his answers than I thought. Business done.-Obstruction. Saturday.-Arrangements made for running this concern night and day. Divided into two shifts. One lot work by day; one lot work by night. A great many do neither, but go about Town to dinnerparties, theatres, and Opera, wiping their brows, sighing and yawning, and complaining of "enormous hard work in present Parliament." Night pretty peaceful. HEALY epigrammatic, REDMOND wordy, WARTON snuffy, T. P. O'CONNOR alternatively offensive and apologetic, HARCOURT wide awake, and SHAW-LEFEVRE in the Chair, vice LYON PLAYFAIR gone to bed. At eight o'clock this morning House filled up, Members coming down fresh and rosy. REDMOND goes a step too far. Thunderbolt falls. Sixteen Irish Members suspended at one fell blow. Speechless consternation of Members who have been in bed all night, just come down to take up the running, and find themselves suspended. Mr. BIGGAR unusually distressed. SPEAKER sent for. The Sixteen of All Ireland expelled. Walk out with various airs, from defiance to depression. After this proceeding get a little dull, and the House a-weary, sitting till Sabbath morning. Business done.-A Scene, but not the end of the Act. IDYLS OF AN OPTIMIST; Or, Carols in Couleur-de-Rose. I.-SILVER THAMES. O RIVER of row-boats, romance, floating rubbish, Of osiers and outfalls, white swans, and strange smells! That TIMON in truth must be terribly tubbish Whose thought upon thee without tenderness dwells. Dim grow the eyes e'en of urban DIOGENES, Tracking, in fancy, we'll say a swoln terrier Oh, but to think of the pools where thy gudgeon Babbles thy flood, bearing barbel and bream, "By Tamise" ripe in sweet SPENSER'S urbane age Callow Arcadians whose mute observancy Hung on bright billows and low-sweeping branches, Silvery dace-and drains-brown-mottled perch-and dyes! Lovely to think how the utilitarian Snuff-coloured Naiads of Wapping delight in Nastiness fluvial, foulness riparian, Ever their sight in! Talk of the Rheingold great WAGNER enlarges on? Think of the Thames-hoard deep down in that flood, Flowing with tugs, penny-steamers, and barges on! Thames-Maiden treasure of muck and of mud. Think, and applaud Metropolitan tastefulness Which to our Thames renders tributes like these, Noise and much nastiness, poison, huge wastefulness, Dirt and disease? O river of contrasts and wild contradictions, Low ripples, loud 'ARRIES, Swift silver, and sewage, More lovely than streamlets of classical fictions, More filthy than Acheron's fluvial brewage! Talk not of Greek floods, their reed-borders a-quiver With Pan at his pipe-making, Nymphs at their toilet; The Ancients ne'er had such a beautiful riverSuch boobies to spoil it! THE SPENDTHRIFT'S GUIDE.-No. I. THE art of Money-grubbing has been so much exalted for many years, and has even been raised to the level of a cardinal virtue, under the softened title of "Self-Help," that perhaps it would be well to recognise the existence of the opposite quality, and to publish a few words of advice for the guidance of Spendthrifts. Every man who has money is not born with the talent for spending it well; and, even if he possess this talent, it may be improved by judicious teaching. Let us teach. Our first lesson shall be on keeping a Yacht. This form of moneyspending is simply ridiculous. Not one man in a hundred gets any real enjoyment out of it, unless enjoyment can be got out of feeling always uncomfortable, if not absolutely ill; and in watching the ruddy faces of an idle crew, who are eating and drinking, and being clothed at your expense. Our second lesson shall be on keeping Horses. The horse is a noble animal, honest and truthful as a Newfoundland dog, but the same cannot be said of those who deal in him, and look after him. Horsedealers, stablemen, grooms, and helps are not influenced by the horse's nature, and a "horsey" man generally is a man not to be too much trusted. Those who keep horses spend much money for the profit, and often for the enjoyment of other people; and, out of fifty riders, there is probably only one who really understands and enjoys horse-riding, and is not in perpetual fear of breaking his neck, even if he is lucky enough to escape a 66 cropper." Locomotion we admit to be necessary, and locomotion is only brought to its highest state of perfection on English Railways. The first rude attempt at luxury and comfort in travelling is the SaloonCar. Our recommendation to the Spendthrift is to have a private travelling carriage, fitted by the most artistic and expensive upholsterers of the day, provided with a bath-room, sleeping-berths, a wine-cellar, a portable kitchen, a drawing-room, a dining-room, a servants' room, a luggage-box, and any further convenience which highly-paid ingenuity can suggest. This car fitted on to the network of railways, and worked on a mileage arrangement with the companies, would form a most agreeable money-spending machine, the invitations to which would be more coveted than any invitations for a cruise in the Cyclone. One day at Brighton, the next in the Highlands, and the next on the coast of Cornwall-these are only a few of the enjoyments which such a carriage would bring within the reach of a select number. An Italian cook, a small private band, a barber, an artist, and a descriptive writer ought to form part of the travelling staff, and every care ought to be taken to make the journeys as expensive as possible. If the Spendthrift is not equal to the direction of so much outlay, he should select, as manager, a head-servant from some embarrassed family of distinction. By all means let him avoid the mistake of taking his servants from millionnaires, unless he wants a walking embodiment of Poor Richard's Almanack. LAST week Cambridge showed a good front to Oxford, with three Studds in it. Cantab motto just now, "The proper Studdy of mankind is Cricket." Lady Midas. "How CHARMINGLY YOU PLAY, HARE LEEBART! DEAR MRS. PONSONBY DE TOMPKYNS MUST REALLY BRING YOU DOWN TO PLAY TO US AT MIDAS TOWERS, OUR PLACE IN SURREY, YOU KNOW, AND I WILL SHOW YOU MY ROSES, THE FINEST ROSES IN ALL ENGLAND! WILL THURSDAY SUIT YOU?" Herr Leibhardt. "YOU ARE FERRY VRENTLY, MATAME! POT I HAF A VIFE AND ZIX JILTREN, AND-ZEY TO NOT LIF UPON ROSES!" EGYPTIAN BONDS. A Duett from the celebrated Opera" European Concert." John. Now then, do come on, and keep step, if you can! Such hobbling and halting are shocking! Johnny. I love not ze joint-promenade on zis plan, Zose fellows in front zere are mocking. John. Of course; and no wonder! Come, do stir your stumps! Johnny. I am not a frog zat can travel by jumps, John. They're getting ahead, ARABI and the Turk. Johnny. Pouf! Je suis tout en eau! Zis is terrible work, John (savagely). By Jove, you are right; 'tis as much to my taste Johnny. Zey are mocking zemselves of our running. Make haste! Johnny. To talk of ze Crisis's gravity's vain If we can't find our gravity's centre. "PUNCH AMONG THE PROPHETS."-To those kindly-disposed, but unpoetic persons, who have pointed out to us that it is BASIL'S brother, ERNEST WILBERFORCE, and not BASIL himself, who is "Bishop-Designate" of Newcastle, and that therefore Punch's Prophetic utterance," in his celebrated letter, dated Vol. vii., p. 169, 1844, when Master BASIL was only three years old, is no prophecy at all, we simply reply, that they have yet to learn the rules which regulate the discernment of all prophecy, and to understand the distinction between a "prophecy," which this did not claim to be, and a "prophetic utterance," which this undoubtedly was. "BASIL" for "BASIL's brother," would have been sufficiently explicit for any ordinary "prophetic utterance," the name John (glowering at the pair in front). They go well together, of "BASIL" being typical rather than personal. But beyond this confound them! Oh, why Did SALISBURY couple and cramp us? Johnny. And why does your pussy-cat, GRANVILLE, not try John. You roll like a porpoise! Look out! We'll be over, Johnny. Ah! zis is not vat you call being "in clover." Our comfort-and credit-are scanty. there is a special key to any "prophetic utterance" of Mr. Punch's which is peculiarly applicable in this instance, and it is this:-Mr. Punch conceals truth beneath jest. "BASIL" was written in jest; the truth had to be sought for; and so when he wrote BASIL, he meant Basil to be taken Ernestly. Verb. sap. A YOUTHFUL Criminal, belonging to the lowest form, who has just John (heartily). Of course we 're fast friends! (Aside.) But at mastered the Thieves' Alphabet, receives lessons from the Magistrates present it seems Fast friends are extremely slow-goers. in the shape of short sentences with a little exercise, which enable him to make rapid progress in his profession. |