NUISANCES OF COUNTRY LIFE. "'EAVENLY LITTLE RETREAT OF YOURS, BROWN? SO PEACEFUL, I CALL IT!" "YES; IF IT WASN'T FOR THE BLOOMIN' ROW THE NIGHTINGALES KICK UP AFTER DARK!" BARON BUBBLESOME ON CIRCUIT. SCENE-The Court, near Railway Station. His Lordship (in a tone of regret, but with intense courtesy). I can't help that; it must be stopped. LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL. TAKEN IN TOW.* Он, Рangbourne is pleasant in sweet Summer-time, The River runs swift under Basildon Hill! I don't care to sail and I don't care to row- Though battered am I, like the old Téméraire, I loll on the cushions, I smoke and I dream, Let me have the chance to be taken in tow! The dragon-fly hums and the skiff glides along, The leaves rustle low and the stream runneth strong: But still the two maidens tramp girlfully on, I'll reward them for this, when we get to the "Swan; " "Taken in Tow." On hearing this, we at first thought that the Lazy One had got the gout, and was "taken in toe" that way. As long as he is all a-rowing and all a-blowing (for of course he never is in training) on the river, he may avoid being "taken in toe" in toto. He seems to be perfectly independent of the very variable weather; yet, from his silence on this subject, we suspect,-but no matter, "Row, brother, row,"-only he must remember that "row" sometimes rhymes to "now."-ED. "ODD MAN OUT."-JOHN BRIGHT. [MR. SWEETMEAT appears faint, and asks for more air" in his part of the Court. The two farthest windows are opened. His Lordship (irate, but still courteous, to the Hall-keeper). Who told you to put those windows down? Shut them immediately. I wish it to be known that no one shall interfere with the ventilation of this Court except by my orders. Mr. A. Burrows, Q. C. (continuing to Jury). I was about to remark, His Lordship (interrupting). We will adjourn till 10:30 to-morrow morning-punctually, Gentlemen. (Smiling blandly-to the Jury.) Gentlemen, don't talk over this case before to-morrow morning. [Court rises, as Mr. SWEETMEAT, Q.C., gradually recovers. A LADY ON ELECTRIC LIGHTS. [Engine repeats itself. The Chief Trumpeter and several JavelinMen rush off, and Engine is heard no more. The Bar rise in token of sympathy, His Lordship adjusts his eyeglass, and the trial proceeds. OH, cruel Electricity, that gives so strong a light, Mr. Anglesey Burrows, Q.C. (continuing). I was about, Gentle- In many an unprotected lamp you flashed supremely bright, men, to remark[Child squalls violently. You shone upon our pretty gowns, illuminated flowers, His Lordship. I'll have that child removed immediately. I am But all too ruthlessly lit up these pallid cheeks of ours. very stern when I once make up my mind. At great personal incon-Twas at the Horticultural, and ferns and flowers were there, venience to myselfThe beautiful gloxinias, and orchids passing rare; [Child is precipitately handed out somewhere through an open They faced the incandescent lamps as erst they faced the sun, window. The Bar look on with approval. On the Court While many a cheek grew strange of hue and felt itself undone. resuming, This lamp malign of EDISON's is worse than brightest day; And vainly Art aids Nature now in unobtrusive way, A veil may serve to screen from sun, but when in evening dress, There's nothing 'twixt these awful lamps and female loveliness. Then, Men of Science, you must aid and tell us, if you please, How we shall make our charms withstand such glaring lights as these; For if the Ladies find these lamps still turn them pale and wan, They'll lead a feminine Crusade 'gainst EDISON and SWAN! Mr. Sweetmeat, Q. C. I venture to make an application to your Lordship that the Plaintiff may be allowed to walk before your Lordship and the Jury, in order that they may judge whether his late injuries have affected his walking Mr. Anglesey Burrows, Q. C. My Lord, I objectHis Lordship (referring to the Illustrated Law Report on his desk). This application is without precedent. Somehow the idea has got abroad that I am in the habit of encouraging these parades in Court, which is not the case. (Sensation in Court. All the Bar present refer to their Illustrated Law Reports.) Will the learned Counsel inform the Court whether his client can carry a basket of egge to market? (Apart, to the Jury.) That's my test. WIRE FROM PRESIDENT OF BOARD OF TRADE TO SIR E. WATKIN (third time of asking).-"Cease, Rude Boreas!" 6. REGIMENTAL ORDERS!"! Volunteer Captain. "AH, SERGEANT JONES-DIDN'T I SEND YOU AN ORDER TO BE AT HEADQUARTERS ON MONDAY, AT NINE O'CLOCK, WITH A CORPORAL AND SIX MEN FOR DUTY?" Sergeant. "YES, SIR. BUT I THINK IF THERE WAS A LITTLE MORE REQUEST,' AND A LITTLE LESS 'ORDER,' IT WOULD BE-(a-hem)-BETTER!" THE BENEFIT OF THE ACT. 66 time of the Crummles family, when receipts were precarious, and the unfortunate strollers depended on their "bespeaks." But the status of the professional Actor has advanced since then, and going round with the hat should be beneath the dignity of our leading Actors and Actresses. Our "Lazy Minstrel" writes to say that he should very much like to take a Benefit, and of course our other Contributors will follow suit. Why doesn't Sir FREDERICK LEIGHTON or Mr. MILLAIS take a Benefit ? Mr. BANCROFT, as Lessee and Manager, is, we believe, an honourable exception to the Benefit system, and we trust, in the social interests of the Profession, other leading Actors and Managers will follow his example. IDYLS OF AN OPTIMIST; Or, Carols in Couleur-de-Rose. II.-A NOBLE SAVAGE. WARBLE not in soft iambics Wholly puts into the shade. BLUDSON might inspire a COOPER, He's as stalwart as a trooper, Could with sturdiest Navvy cope, In his unsophisticated Simple savagery he'll lurk For the wayfarer belated, And that wanderer brain or burke. He will slily steal behind him, Like Red-Indian on the trail, He will bash, and bruise, and blind him, On the man he'd maul or rob. Or the valley of the Hudson. Let us then be glad and gleesome THE Lessee, Manager, and Leading Actor-in fact, the "Boss" of the Lyceum, has already announced to the public that he intends to take a Benefit. Why? Every performance at his own theatre is for his benefit. If a season has been a very bad one, and a Manager appeals to the Public to assist him in his pecuniary difficulty, such a case might be considered one of real distress, and an appeal ad misericordiam would, no doubt, meet with a sufficiently hearty response from the charitable theatre-goers, out of admiration of the man as an Actor, and out of pity for him as an unfortunate speculator who had done all in his power to deserve success. Of course we would do our best to get up a Benefit" for a Poor Player" whose ill-health prevented him from earning his livelihood by the exercise of his profession; but Actors in the position of the Lessee of the Lyceum would not care to appeal to the Public on the ground of being very, poor players"-in any sense. Last year, through the liberality of the Public, we were enabled to assist the poor London school-children to several Days in the Country. If the London Manager-Actor wants his little holiday, he can take it, and can turn his Day in the Country" to pretty good account, as there will be scarcely a single provincial town which, besides paying him handsomely for his performances, will not also give him a "bumper at parting," by way of a Benefit. This was all very well in the if Rain is to count for anything. 66 Hath not swept from slum and court: Whilst we've BLUDSON and such Bobbies, DOG DAYS! pooh! Dogs-and-Cats-days, FORSTER JOHN BRIGHT W. E. G. ENCORED THREE TIMES NIGHTLY IN HIS GREAT SONG W. E. G. You think, perhaps, I work so hard the Session I'm enjoying? (Spoken)-My dear Sir, it's odd-but Chorus.-I'm going to do without 'em, &c., &c. [For the other Verses and Chorus, see p. 47. JOLLY J. B. IN HIS POPULAR SONG OF "TIDINGS OF COMFORT J. B. For forty years I've said what I meant, J. B. And used strong language to my heart's content. J. B. The flames of war I never would fan; So, when force was the remedy, away I ran,- MONDAY Night, July 17.-Getting so used to Ministerial resigna- | with his left hand, whilst waving his right as if it held cutlass tions that the Bright affair went off rather flatly. At first, thought and he was boarding the Treasury Bench. Vociferous cheering there was going to be no speech at all. When time came, Mr. from the party of boarders behind, including Alderman FOWLER, BRIGHT, sitting in old corner-seat below the Gangway, made no sign. who wanted to sing a stave of "Rule Britannia." Sir JAMES HOGG Like the operative in indigent circumstances, occasionally alluded thought SPEAKER would object, so Alderman contented himself with to in speeches and newspaper articles, he had no story to tell. a chorus of "Yah! yah! yah!" Quite surprised to think House should require explanation. 66 Just like BRIGHT," HARCOURT says. Whatever he does is right. No room for questioning. Nothing to explain, and nothing to defend." Also quite delightful his placid assumption of being right, and the Cabinet wrong, on a point where they chance to differ. Speech like FORSTER'S in this respect, only, happily, shorter. Good grind at Arrears Bill. Going through Clauses now hand over hand. At midnight Dr. LYONS rose with prodigious speech and elaborate scheme for raising the money to pay off Arrears without costing anybody a farthing. Sort of How-to-live-on-sixpence-aday-and-save-eightpence" speech. House first amazed, then indignant; but Dr. LYONS, in intervals of attending patients, had thought the matter out. Besides, speech probably in print in Dublin, and must be delivered. Members below the Gangway howled. Members opposite roared. Dr. LYONS accustomed to this sort of thing. A patient in a dentist's chair having his tooth pulled out, does not like it; but operation designed for his good, and must be gone through. House catches him up at every point. "In these trying circumstances- says the Doctor. Yah! yah! yah! roars the Committee. "As the painful operation goes on- -" he innocently remarks; and loud cheering gives the observation quite a new point. LYON PLAYFAIR Scores one. Some one rises, and asks whether this long harangue is in order. "I understand," says the Chairman, "that the Hon. Member proposes to show that the funds might come from other sources than the Church Temporalities ?" "Exactly!" says Dr. LYONS, grateful for this acknowledgment of his purpose. 66 Then," says LYON PLAYFAIR, "I shall be glad when the Hon. Member approaches that part of his speech." A little rough this, after the Doctor's been operating for half-anhour. Business done.-Arrears Bill. Tuesday Night.-Wonder why when Conservatives were in power they didn't make Sir JOHN HAY First Lord or at least Secretary to the Admiralty. Sir JOHN not only a gallant sailor, but a stirring orator, and a perfect whale at all-night sitting. Boasts that he never left the quarter-deck through all the storm that resulted in suspension of Irish Members and the passage of the Crime Bill. To-day has been up delivering stirring Alexandrines on the misconduct of Government in Egypt. "If we only had HAY there!" Mr. WARTON murmurs, "or if he'd been in CHILDERS' place, how different it would have been." Grand old man Sir JOHN looked, shaking reefs out of his coat-tails WILFRID LAWSON had his joke with the House about the bombardment. Now, House has joke with Sir WILFRID. Was to have come on to-night with Local Option Motion. Been severely engaged for several days preparing impromptu jokes and repartees. Had the old ones out on the beach, as it were, overhauling them, caulking and tarring where necessary. Tremendous excitement amongst Temperance Societies. Extra rations of ginger-beer served out. Came down at Nine o'Clock prepared for pleasant evening. Licensed Victuallers here, too, in great force. No difficulty in distinguishing the two parties as they stand in the Hall waiting admittance. Deep conspiracy against WILFRID. Bowled out. Proposal that he should make speech in Octagon Hall. WILFRID Won't. Says some of the jokes will do for public meetings, others stand over for next Session. In rather low spirits himself. Only thing that cheers him is cessation of firing in Alexandria. "Now the two Quakers are out of the Cabinet, we 'll have no more towns bombarded," he says. Business done.-Arrears Bill in Committee. Wednesday Afternoon.-Good deal of excitement this afternoon of one kind or another. Nobody here just when wanted to move their Amendments. Enter a few minutes after; quite surprised to find opportunity gone. Mr. WARTON says it's all a plot of Chairman of Committees. snuff. "I saw LYON PLAYFAIR look round to see if GREGORY and "All arranged beforehand," he says, stoking himself afresh with RATHBONE were in their places. Not there, so off he goes to lunch. Always away twelve minutes, at least. To-day, came back in nine minutes. Found Committee empty, and so rattled through Bill. His dodging of GREGORY really disgraceful. Met him in the Lobby, and would be in time to move his Amendment. LYON PLAYFAIR just as he was coming back. GREGORY going towards the House, whispered in his ear that a remarkable infant had been deposited on the steps of Westminster Hall. GREGORY, Treasurer of Foundling Institution first, Member of Parliament afterwards. Went off to investigate contents of the basket. When he came back, found his Amendment passed over in his absence. It's my opinion the Chairman of Committees is equal to anything." After Arrears Bill, Mr. STANSFELD on with his unsavoury measure. Mr. SPEAKER's advice to Women about to enter the Gallery: Don't! But they did, a round dozen of them. Terribly angry that the speeches were so short, and that Mr. O'SHAUGHNESSY, in particular, spoke so low that they could not hear a word he said. Business done.-Arrears Bill through Committee. and Thursday Night.-Mr. GLADSTONE gives notice of a Vote of pains to make my dress out in all particulars as right as possible, Credit. House rises as one man and sings," We don't want to fight." especially my stockings, which I was always mighty proud of, an But PETER will have none of it. Neither will HENRY RICHARD nor I would fain they should be the linning stockings which once on a Sir WILFRID LAWSON. Talk of forming a deputation to go out to time I made myself as fine as I could in, together with the wide Egypt to see ARABI, and try and induce him to be good enough to go canons that I bought one day at the Hague. I would likewise, if away. Consult Sir GEORGE ELLIOT on the point. Sir GEORGE gently able, bid him robe my image in the Indian gowne I hired to be rubs his waistcoat and thoughtfully pats himself in the region of the drawn in when I sat to HALES. pockets. Doesn't think much of it. Besides, he says, they 'll find Home to my bower in Asphodel Meadow, where my wife, with Egypt very hot now. WILFRID LAWSON says he doesn't care. Has KNIPP she had bidden to supper, playing and singing duetts together got a white hat. ELLIOT warns them that it is indispensable when like two sisters, which was pretty. They both mightily rejoiced to approaching an Eastern Chief to take with them presents. Arranged hear of the honour I am to have. Question of who were best to do that HENRY RICHARD shall take with him a copy of The Trans- my monument, if to be a statue; and I would choose the President actions of the Peace Society. PETER will approach ARABI with a of the Royal Academy, if he chisel as well as he do paint, but my handsomely-bound copy of his "Speeches on Foreign Policy deli-wife say rather the Artist who do model the Waxworks at Madame vered in Parliament," and Sir WILFRID will take a case of Zoedone. TUSSAUD'S. Business done.-Report on Arrears Bill. HOUSE. Friday Night.-Some consternation at midnight on sudden ap- THE MERCHANT TAYLORS' BOYS AT THE MUNCHING pearance of Sir STAFFORD NORTHCOTE in a pair of black tights. Came in quietly behind the SPEAKER's chair, and by tucking legs under seat, escaped attention some time. But division on; discovery inevitable. Worst of all was voting in "No" lobby. Sir STAFFORD had to go down towards the door in full view of Ladies' Gallery. Put it off till last moment, which made it all the worse. Better have walked out with the crowd. Pretty to see Sir STAFFORD skirting the benches, and hungering after shadow of the Gallery. But if these frivolous young men will go to balls at Marlborough House, they must take the consequences. Business done.-Arrears Bill finished. MONUMENT TO MR. PEPYS. (Excerpt from the Diary of S. P.'s Shade.) (SAMUEL PEPYS.-An influential committee has been formed for the purpose of obtaining subscriptions towards the erection of an appropriate memorial to SAMUEL PEPYS in the Church of St. Olave's, Hart Street.) Elysium, July 25th.-To the Philosophical Happy Thought Society, where FARADAY, since he have come here, hath set up a spiritual magnetic machine, he invented to convey, besides the matter of books from the Earth hither, the contents of all the newspapers, by means whereof I did over a tankard of nectar, read the news, in which a passage taking me by surprise pleased me mightily, and gave me more delight than any I think I ever had in all my life, even since I have lived here. It brought tidings, under heading of my name in capital letters, that what they call an influential committee hath been formed for the purpose, as they do word it, of obtaining subscriptions towards the erection of an appropriate memorial to me, SAMUEL PEPYS, in the Church of St. Olave's, Hart Street. And then come the members of the Committee, at the head of whom the Master of Magdalene, my own College, Cambridge, and then the President of the Royal Society, the Deputy Master of the Trinity House, the Secretary to the Admiralty my "Standing Sam;" or, present successor, and the Master of the Pepys columniated. Clothworkers' Company. They propose me the honour of a monument in St. Olave's Church, I hope nigh the Chancel where I myself placed one in memory of my wife, for all I did now and then write her down a fool at times when she made me laugh, or troubled me. And so now I am going to have a statue. Lord, to think in what remembrance I am at the end of nigh two hundred years, and how celebrated and famous I have become, and what a figure I do cut in the sight of Posterity! At least I suppose my memorial is to be a statue, and I had rather that than a tablet, or any other monument, and do hope not to be put off with a slab in the wall. That is, provided my statue be a likeness, and there be now in England or the world any statuary of sufficient skill to make it; for most of the London statues I hear said to be such figures, that, if mine were so unhandsome and so ridiculous as they are reported, it would make me ashamed. CHEER, boys, cheer, as loud as you are able; In my young days no youth acquiring knowledge Plate after plate myself could likewise clear; Long live the LORD MAYOR, holloa: cheer, boys, cheer! THE SPENDTHRIFT'S GUIDE.-No. III. AFTER a little rest from his theatrical extravagance, the Spendkinds. There is the tenor voice which Providence, for some mystethrift should procure an 66 organ. There are organs of various rious reason, bestows on one man in fifty years, and there is the musical instrument on wheels, which, because it delights and refines the multitude, is called a nuisance. The organ I mean is called a Newspaper. It may not be a newspaper, but it is called a newspaper. The Spendthrift can always buy an organ, because organs are always in the market, but he will be exposed to competition, because purchasers of organs are in the market likewise. No matter how feeble or unsuccessful a newspaper may be, it can always command a few hundreds for its copyright; and the Spendthrift has only to increase these hundreds to thousands to obtain what he wants without the slightest opposition. Having purchased his organ, his first task will be to engage his Editor. Editors are very fond of having organs of their own, and of treating proprietors with the utmost contempt. The Spendthrift must be prepared for this, and must only be too delighted to find unlimited capital for the publication of other people's crotchets. The Contributors will be chosen by the Editor, and will own no allegiance to the Spendthrift-Proprietor. He will be allowed to visit his own premises occasionally, and will be supplied with an early copy of his own paper free of charge. If he wishes to insert a paragraph in any number, he will ask the Editor's permission, and must not be astonished if he is refused on the ground that he is endangering the policy of an established journal. He will do well to accept his position, and cultivate a belief in the infallibility of his Editor and Contributors. His Editor, in exchange for capital, will provide him with cut-and-dried opinions on every possible subject. He will not only be told what happened yesterday, but what is going to happen to-morrow. He will act, where it is possible to act, on this cocksure information. He will read his own "Money Article" with trusting faith, and instruct his broker to buy or sell everything according to its directions. He will back all the horses named as winners by the Sporting Contributor, and buy all the pictures praised by the FineArt Critic. By the time his Editor has become a Member of Parliament for an important borough, or been selected by Government for a well-paid Commissionership, the Spendthrift will probably have grown a little tired of owning an organ." 66 If I had only foreseen I should one day have a statue, I would have taken order to preserve the mould I did once have made of my face, which any fit statuary might fashion a correct resemblance from; and, for the rest of the head that no mould was taken of, it will not much matter, if I am executed in my periwigg, to the life, as I desire. But there is a picture of me, I am told, at South Ken- MRS. RAMSBOTHAM would be pleased to learn whether the sington which would suffice the modeller to copy, and if he do I "Hanging Gale" recently mentioned in Parliament is "the ill wind would have him represent me holding the scroll of musique I com- that blows nobody good," and whether Mr. BERESFORD HOPE'S posed to "Beauty, retire," painted true. Also to take all possible Novel of Strictly Tied Up refers to the punishment of garotters ? |