TO CORRESPONDENTS.-In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-AUGUST 19, 1882. AT THE FOUNTAIN-HEAD. ALMOST BEFORE SHE KNOWS WHERE SHE IS, AND BY A MERE NOD OF HER HEAD, THRIFTY LITTLE MRS. MILDMAY BECOMES THE OWNER OF SIX SPLENDID COD, A DOZEN FINE BLACK-JACK, AND FOURTEEN MAGNIFICENT SKATE, -ALL FOR THE RIDICULOUSLY SMALL SUM OF HALF-A-CROWN. SHE SUDDENLY REMEMBERS THAT HER YOUNG FAMILY CAN'T BEAR FISH, AND THAT HER HUSBAND HAS BEEN FORBIDDEN TO EAT IT! CROWNED HEADS AND SHILLING DAYS. THE splendid hospitality universally extended by the Chairman and Directors of the Crystal Palace to any Royal Personages that happen to be strolling about the Metropolis for a few days, has not been slow in pouncing on the Ex-Monarch of the Zulus. Our good-natured friend CETEWAYO, though debarred by a British cold at the last moment from appearing after lunch on an iron gallery, and going through the ordinary form of such "royal ovation" as can be got from bowing his acknowledgments to Thirty Thousand Shilling Visitors, who regard him as included in the programme, was nevertheless intended to form no inconsiderable feature in the day's attractions. The advertisement, which well mixed up his unconscious Majesty, with the Company's Band, the Electric Exhibition, to say nothing of the refreshment department, and random performances on the great organ, was a model of courtly announcement; cleverly too were his personal friends and valet interlined with the fireworks. Sydenham is, in fact, quite awake to the occasion, and we shall, together with Lord KIMBERLEY, look out for next week's "Bombardment" Advertisement with much lively interest. CETEWAYO'S FIRST EXPERIENCE OF CIVILISATION.-Influenza, gruel, nosetallow, mustard-and-water, and a little medicine. COLLISION AVOIDED!-WONDERFUL PRESENCE OF MIND OF THE SWITCH-MAN AT ST. STEPHEN'S STATION!! MONDAY Night, August 7.-CETEWAYO came down to-day, and took a look at us from the Gallery. Didn't think much of the place, preferring the House of Lords. Thinks he will have windows like those when he goes back to Zululand. Went up, and had a chat with the King. Found him a little bored, and very footsore. Says Civilisation would be endurable only for its boots. Doesn't take kindly to trousers. BOBBY nowhere. Certainly WEG, "with characteristic subtlety," as DRUMMOND-WOLFF says, got BOBBY into the match on unequal terms. B. wears a dog-collar, and, the higher it mounts, the nearer it goes to cutting him off by the jaws. Of dauntless spirit, and grim determination, BOBBY has, by hard training and the concentration of a powerful mind, succeeded in wearing a higher collar than any living being, not a giraffe. "If you give your mind to it, and are content to sit up now and then all night with your collar, you can do almost anything," he says. But the Grand and wily Old Man, when the match was arranged, expressed an innocent preference for a collar that closed over the cheek. Consequence is he can go to any height, and does, whilst BOBBY's aspirations are limited by his chin. Still BOBBY Won't give in. "The Old Guard choke, but never surrender," he says. Goes about with pale, resolute look, and ever-heightening collar. WILFRID LAWSON, who sits near him, says he expects some day, upon a sudden jerk, to see his head rolling down the Gangway. "I draw the line at the waistcoat, TOBY," he said to me, through the interpreter. "Also, if you get a black or blue blanket, and cut it out with holes and sleeves, and put buttons on it, nice bright brass ones, mind you, and call it a coat, and say I must wear it, good. But why you should take a useful blanket, cut it up the middle, and sew it together like a double-barrelled gun so as to make it uncomfortable about the legs, goes beyond me. As for your boots, TOBY, they're simply flying in the face of Providence. Look here!" he said. And throwing upon the seat a leg of the girth of Pompey's Pillar, he displayed a boot of the size of one of the smaller Committee-Rooms. "What do I want going about in a thing like that? It's roomy, I admit; but also it's heavy. I mean To-night, GLADSTONE's collar up, and his choler down. Nothing to keep this pair, carry them home to Zululand, and try the effect of could exceed the graciousness of manner with which he concedes one on JOHN DUNN, taking him from the rear at a run of eighteen to the Lords chiefly nothing. My Lord Marquis declared the yards. I hear your people use them in Lancashire, to bring their Arrears Bill must be made optional. Mr. GLADSTONE blandly says wives round to a full sense of their domestic responsibilities. But that can't be, and the Commons by a swingeing majority of 136 I haven't got a wife with me; and if I kick other people's, I under-support him. stand there would be unpleasantness. That's one of the intricacies My Lord Marquis's turn to speak next. of your law, which I cannot understand, and don't want to understand. As soon as ever I get to my lodgings, the first thing I do is to slip these boots off; but whilst I am out they play Old Harry with me.' "" This, it will be understood, is a pretty free rendering of the King's observations, after the style of Mr. BLUNT's translation of ARABI BEY's letter to Mr. GLADSTONE. CETEWAYO wanted to know how old the SPEAKER was, and who plaited his nice long grey hair. Also greatly admired his club, which was lying on the table before him. Wanted to know if he might have it to play with a few minutes. Proposed to practise on his hairdresser. Told him this was the Mace. Said it didn't matter; wouldn't be any difference to his hairdresser ten minutes after the game had begun. Told him it must not be. King went away rather huffed. Business done.-Supply. Tuesday Night.-Great House to-night. Members whistled in from all parts of the country. My Lord Marquis been trying to coerce the Commons. Nothing better calculated to wake up the spirit of Commons, getting a little drowsy at this time of the Session. Great show of white hats and summer vests. Grand Old Man comes out quite young in white waistcoat, sixteen-shilling trousers, a yellow rose in his button-hole, and his collar like the mainsail of a yacht. In the interesting match between BOBBY SPENCER and the PREMIER, Business done.-Lords' Amendments rejected. this afternoon. Thought they must at last discuss the Constabulary Wednesday Afternoon.-Stroke of good luck for Land-Leaguers Vote, after having kept it off for several nights. Have discovered sudden interest in Constabulary. SEXTON, who a short time ago delivered long indictment against them, exciting even the indignation of Mr. CALLAN, now protests that they are hardly used. Men must be supported in difference with the Government. TREVELYAN says "Pass this vote including a trifle, £180,000, as pour boire for Police. Let me go over to Ireland and I'll soon settle matters." But Land-Leaguers in their newly-born anxiety for interest of Police prevent vote being taken. To-day doubly delighted. Got a shot at LYON PLAYFAIR, and prevented Constabulary Vote coming on. JOSEPH GILLIS, a little depressed of late, begins to think life is worth living. RAIKES made a clever speech clearly proving LYON PLAYFAIR in the wrong, and winding up by patronising him. Seems to me, speaking diffidently as a young Member, that this dead set on LYON PLAYFAIR is neither fair nor justifiable. PLAYFAIR is really the first Chairman who has had to deal with organised and triumphant Obstruction. RAIKES had a bit of it, but it was in the melifluous times of the Major, and when PARNELL had neither his position nor his following. All very well to point out next morning how something could have been done better. Nobody else has yet had opportunity to try. When the time comes, expect we shall look |