THE TREASURE TROVE. BY B. O. B.-21. His eye on a something bright did fall. Again he tries; but another lurch, To strive against which was all in vain, Has crown'd his untiring efforts at last! And the prize is more precious for dangers pass'd. He dashes it down with a bitter curse- REMARKABLE TENACITY OF LIFE.-22. A FEW evenings since, in the "private crib" of one of our exchanges, there was a learned dissertation, subject, "Bed-bugs, and their Remarkable Tenacity of Life." One asserted of his own knowledge that they could be boiled, and then come to life. Some had soaked them for hours in turpentine without any fatal consequences. Old Hanks, who had been listening as an outsider, here gave in his experience in corroboration of the facts. Says he, "Some years ago I took a bed-bug to an iron-foundry, and dropping it into a ladle where the melted iron was, had it run into a skillet. Well, my old woman used that skillet pretty constant for the last six years, and here the other day it broke all to smash; and what do you think, gentlemen, that 'ere insect just walked out of his hole, where he'd been layin' like a frog in a rock, and made tracks for his old roost upstairs! But," added he, by way of parenthesis, "he looked mighty pale." SAM'S SOUL.-23. "SAM," said an interesting young mother to her youngest hopeful, "do you know what the difference is between the body and soul? The soul, my child, is what you love with; the body carries you about. This is your body," touching the little fellow's shoulders and arms, "but there is something deeper in-you can feel it now; what is that?" "Oh, I know," said Sam," with a flash of intelligence in his eyes, "that's my flannel shirt!" AMERICAN ESTIMATE OF THEIR CLERGY.-24. THE Louisville Journal assures an inquiring spinster that gospel ministers are not more addicted to dissipation than men of other professions. A few of the Kalloch type take gin-toddies and liberties with females, but the majority of them are as good as lawyers. If you want a true Christian, marry an editor. "WHERE WARREN FELL."-25. A YANKEE gentleman, escorting a British friend around to view the different objects of attraction in the vicinity of Boston, brought him to Bunker's Hill. They stood looking at the splendid shaft, when the Yankee said, "This is the place where Warren fell." "Ah!" replied the Englishman evidently not posted up in local historical matters, "did it hurt him much?" The native looked at him, with the expression of fourteen Fourths of Julys in his countenance-"Hurt him!" said he, "he was killed, sir." "Ah! he was, eh?" said the stranger, still eyeing the monument, and computing its height in his own mind, layer by layer; "well, I should think he would have been, to fall so far." OUT-YANKEED.-26. AFTER the battle of Fredericksburg a little Yankee officer was talking with one of our Alabama majors, who stood in that part of the field were we had suffered most severelydead men and horses, broken cannon, and blown-up caissons being all around him. "You hurt us powerful bad yesterday," said the Yankee. "Yes," replied the major, drily. "Guess we hurt you some, too," rejoined the Yankee, looking at the wrecks of humanity strewn about. "Didn't kill a man or a horse," said the major. The little Yankee looked up at the tall Confederate for a moment, then at the dead men and horses on every side, and then wheeled suddenly round and walked rapidly away, utterly astounded at the cool manner in which the Alabamian had outYankeed the Yankees in deliberate lying. THE PRESIDENT'S VOICE.-27. We got one darkie on the way out. He had never seen a cannon, and of course did not know what it was He stood beside one when they fired it off, and I assure you Parry the clown never dropped as quick as he did. His eyes rolled wildly, and he alarmingly called out: "Oh Lord! hab mercy on dis poor chile. He am for de Union ebery time, sah." The artillerymen might have been tied with straws. When they had got over their laugh, they told him it was one of old Abe's guns. The nigger said, "He hab a bery loud voice." 66 HOW A COPPERHEAD WAS SHAVED.-28. ONE day, lately, a well-known gentleman in Philadelphia stepped into a barber's shop, sat in a shaving-chair, drew a newspaper from his pocket, and instructed the knight of the razor to take off his beard. The barber was an African. He simply replied, "Yes, boss," and produced his implements. The customer sat down. He was duly shaved. His face was wiped; he arose, and donned his coat and hat. "How much?" he asked, in a dolorous voice, as he adjusted his shirt-collar. "Fifteen cents, boss." "Why, I thought you shaved for ten cents at this shop." "Dat ar's de average, sah," was the reply. "Ten cents is de price of a shave in dis yer shop. You come in here, sah, and read the news of Sheridan's victory, and your face got about six inches longer dan when yer come in. If your face was like it was afore you read dat yar news ten cents was the price. When you commenced to read about de defeat of Early, den your face stretched down about four inches. Dat's what makes it wurf fifteen cents for der shave." The customer couldn't restrain a grin, though he was a Copperhead, and the hit at him was made by a "nigger." He paid the fee, and walked out. He was one of those gentlemen who go their length upon M'Clellan, and who of course shudder at every victory to the Union arms. WHAT HE DID THE FIRST YEAR.-29. IN one of the courts at Hartford, Connecticut, recently, a woman was testifying on behalf of her son, and swore that he had worked on a farm ever since he was born. The lawyer who cross-examined her said, "You assert that your son has worked on a farm ever since he was born?" "I do." "What did he do the first year? "He milked," she replied. The whole court laughed heartily, and the witness was questioned no further. THE LEARNED MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN LEGISLATURE.-30. A GOOD story is told of the landlord of a hotel at Holly Springs, Miss. It was a large fashionable hotel, and the landlord was a pompous man, with a large corporosity and a ruffled shirt-bosom. Printed bills of fare were provided, yet the landlord stood at the head of the table at dinner and, in a loud voice, read off the list of articles in a rhyming way "Here's boiled ham, and raspberry jam ; baked potatoes and cooked tomatoes; turnips smashed and squashes squashed;' and so on. Mr. M. asked him afterward why he read it aloud when printed copies were on the table. 66 'Force of habit," replied the landlord; "got so used to it I can't help it. You see, I commenced business down here in Jackson (the capital of Mississippi), and most of all the Legislature boarded with me. wasn't a man of 'em could read, so I had to read the bill of fare to 'em." There A CANDID PARSON.- ―31. A YANKEE divine, of an advanced age, married for his second wife a damsel young and handsome. When the elders of the church went to inquire if the lady was a suitable person to make a useful figure as a parson's wife, he answered frankly that he didn't think she was. "But," added the irrepressible doctor, "although I don't pretend she is a saint, she is a very pretty little sinner, and I love her." The twain became one flesh. A STUMP ORATOR.-32. AN Ohio stumper, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it and exclaimed, "Now, gentlemen, what do you think?" Instantly a man rose in the assembly, and, with one eye partially closed, modestly replied, "I think, sir-I do indeed, sir-I think if you and I were to stump the country together we would tell more lies than any other two men in the country, sir; and I'd not say a word during the whole time, sir." THE COLONEL ANSWERED.-33. A CERTAIN Colonel, a staff officer of one of the northern generals, noted for his talent for repartee and the favourable opinion which he entertained of his own good looks, stopped at the house of a farmer, and discovered there a fine milch cow, and, still better, a pretty girl, attired in a neat calico dress cut low in the neck and short in the sleeves. After several unsuccessful attempts to engage the young lady in conversation, he proposed to her to have the cow milked for his own special benefit. This she indignantly refused. The colonel not wishing to compromise his reputation for gallantry, remarked that if all the young ladies in Virginia were as beautiful as the one he had the pleasure of addressing, he had no desire to conquer the Confederacy. With a toss of her pretty head, and a slight elevation of her nose, she answered thus: "Well, sir, if all the gentlemen in your army are as ugly as you are we ladies have no desire to conquer them." How are you, colonel? |