HIS REASONS FOR LEAVING.- -403.

ON our trip up the river once we had on board a tall, gaunt-looking volunteer. His appearance not only indicated that he was lately from the hospital, but that it would perhaps have been better for him to have remained there still, for he certainly did not seem to be in a fit condition to travel. He was from Eastern Ohio, and by some strange whim of his comrades (soldiers have odd notions as to name), he had won the cognomen of "Beauregard." He was full of dry humour, and it had a peculiar zest, coming from such a dilapidated specimen of the human kind. I asked him: "How long were you in the hospital at -?" "I stayed just five days; I couldn't stand it any longer." Why so? Were you not well treated?” Well, you see, when I went in there were six patients. The first day they buried one." "Well, what of that?" Nothing-only the very next day they buried another." 66 "They must have been severe cases, and made it very unpleasant for you." Unpleasant! I knew my turn would come in time. I went in on Monday, and if I stayed I would be carried out on Saturday. So I made my calculation, and on Friday I packed my knapsack and went away. If I had not, I'd surely been buried on Saturday. Six days-one man each day-couldn't stand that."

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YOUR FARE, MISS.-404.

THE most veracious chroniclers of Chicago relate the experience of a young lady from the rural districts of Hoosierdom, who visited the Queen City of the West, accompanied by her particular swain, and took an appreciative view of the "elephant." Getting into one of the city cars for a ride, the maiden took a seat, while the lover planted himself on the platform. The graceful vehicle had sped but a few short blocks, when the beneficent young conductor insinuated himself into the popular chariot, for the purpose of collecting expenses. Approaching the rustic maiden, he said, affably, "Your fare, miss." The Hoosier rosebud allowed a delicate pink to manifest itself on her cheeks, and looked down in soft confusion. The justly popular conductor was rather astonished at this, and ventured to remark once more "Your fare, miss." This time the pink deepened to carnation, and the maiden fin

gered her parasol with pretty coquettishness. The conductor really didn't know what to make of this sort of thing, and began to look a little foolish; but as a small boy at the other end of the car began to show signs of a disposition to leave without paying for his ride, the official managed to say once more "Hem! miss, your fare." In a moment those lovely violet eyes were looking up into his face, through an aurora of blushes, and the rosy lips exclaimed-Well, they dew say I'am good-looking at hum, but I don't see why you want to say it out loud!" It was not a peal of thunder that shook the car just then. Oh, no. It was something that commenced in a general passengerical titter, and culminating in such a shattering guffaw as Western lungs alone are capable of. In the midst of the cachinnatory tempest the "lovyer" came to the rescue of his Doxiana; and when the "pint of the hull thing" was explained to him, his mouth expanded to proportions that might have made Barnum's hippopotamus die of jealousy on the spot. The pair descended from the car amid a salvo of Mirth's artillery, and when last seen were purchasing artificial sweetness at a candy-shop.

AGREEING WITH ALL THE GIRLS.-405.

IN a lesson in parsing the sentence, "man, courting capacity of bliss, etc.," the word courting comes to a pert young miss of fourteen to parse. She commenced hesitatingly, but got along well enough until she was to tell what it agreed with. Here she stopped short. But as the teacher said, “Very well, what does courting agree with?" Ellen blushed, and hung down her head. "Ellen, don't know what that agrees with?" "Ye-ye-yes, sir!" Well, Ellen, why don't you parse that word? What loes it agree with?" Blushing still more, and stammering, Ellen says, 66 It a-agrees with all the girls, sir!"

you

WHEN THE BOAT STARTED.-406.

A CERTAIN green customer, who was a stranger to mirrors, and who stepped into the cabin of one of our ocean steamers, stopping in front of a large pier glass, which he took for a door said "I say, mister, when does this here boat start?" Getting no reply from the dumb reflection before him, he repeated-"I say, mister, when does

this here boat start?" Incensed at the still silent figure, he broke out-"You sassafras-coloured, shock-headed bull calf, you don't look as if you knew much anyhow."

THE BLIND PHRENOLOGIST OF ST. LOUIS.-407.

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THERE is a blind phrenologist in St. Louis who is great on examining bumps. A wag or two got one of the distinguished judges, who thinks a great deal of himself, and has a very bald head, which he generally covers with a wig, to go to his rooms one day, and have his head examined. Wags and judge arrive. "Mr. B.," said one, 66 we have now brought you for examination a head as is a head; we wish to test your science." 'Very well," said the phrenologist, "place the head under my hand." "He wears a wig," said one. "Can't examine with that on," replied the professor. Wig was accordingly taken off, and the bald head of the highly-expectant judge was placed under manipulation of the examiner. "What's this? what's this?" said the phrenologist; and pressing his hand on the top of the head, he said, somewhat ruffled, "Gentlemen, Heaven has visited me with affliction-I have lost my eyesight-but I am no fool; you can't pass this off on me for a head!"

CHASING A LOCOMOTIVE.-408.

A FRIEND who lately indulged in a chase after a locomotive declares it "the silliest thing a sane man can do." This is his account:-"Rushing out from the refreshmentroom on the platform, I saw my train moving off ' gradually,' with about seventy-five yards the start. I have been counted a good runner in my time, and for the first hundred yards I gained on it. Then for about a quarter of a mile it was 'nip and tuck,' at the end of which I concluded that steam was more than a match for muscle, and 'caved.' The last I saw of my train it was going it' around a curve at the rate of twenty-five miles an hour, the passengers waving their handkerchiefs at me, and cheering vociferously. As I walked sheepishly back to the dépôt, a thought came into my head that it might run off the track in going round the curve at that rate of speed, and I am afraid that I rather encouraged the idea."

THE LATEST WAY.-409.

THE latest way to pop the question is to ask a fair lady if you can have the pleasure of seeing her to the minister's.

A GREAT TRAVELLER.-410.

A GOOD story is told of a Washington countryman, who, on his way to Cincinnati, became somewhat elevated by sundry "drinks," but, as good luck would have it, found a boat at the wharf, and was quickly on his way. Soon after leaving the wharf, a man came round for his fare. Horrall handed him out a five-dollar bill, and received four dollars and ninety-five cents in change. He rammed it into his pocket-book with great eagerness, supposing the clerk had made a mistake. That done, he leaned back into his chair and fell asleep. A little while and he was plucked awake by the same man, who again demanded fare. "Discovered the mistake," holding out a handful of change. The man, as before, took only five cents, and Horrall again went into a doze. Ere he had got fairly into dreaming of home and friends far away, around came the collector again, and thus it went on for a long time. At last Horrall thought it very inconvenient, and concluded to vote the collector a nuisance, and give him a bit of advice besides; so he said: "Is (hic) this a da-n-ger (hic) ous (hic) bo-boat?" ་ 'By no means," said the man. "Bran new. "Then, by gummy, (hic) why do (hic) don't you collect all the fa (hic) hair at once-not bo-bother a fel (hic) heller for it every mile as it comes due?" Really," said the man, "where do you think you are going?" Cincin (hic) hinnati," said Horrall. "Cincinnati," said the polite conductor, "why you must be sadly out of your reckoning. This is the ferry-boat, and all this afternoon you have been riding to and fro between New Albany and Portland."

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WHOSE FAULT WAS IT?-411.

A PREACHER stopped short in a pulpit; it was in vain that he scratched his head-nothing would come out. My friends," said he, as he walked quietly down the pulpit stairs, my friends, I pity you, for you have lost a fine discourse."

A MODEST LINENDRAPER.-412.

A DEALER in ready-made linen advertises his shirts and chemisettes under the mellifluous appellation of "Male and Female Envelopes."

GONE HOME.-413.

ONE of the Richmond papers thus pleasantly announces the death of a newspaper man in the Libby prison :-" A Yankee reporter gone home to write up his reports by the fire."

AN INCIDENT AND AN EPIGRAM.-414.

Ir chanced one evening, at one of the great hotels, that a gentleman, seeking in vain for a candle with which to light himself to his room at a late hour, passed a young lady who had two candles, of which she politely offered him one. He took it and thanked her, and the next morning acknowledged the courtesy in the following epigram. Luckily for the poet (for his epigram would otherwise have been pointless), the young lady was as handsome as she was polite :

"You gave me a candle: I give you my thanks,

And add-as a compliment justly your due—

There isn't a girl in these feminine ranks

Who could, if she tried, hold a candle to you!"

JUST GOT MARRIED.-415.

THE following amusing incident took place upon one of the Ohio river steamboats :-While the boat was lying at Cincinnati, just ready to start for Louisville, a young man came on board, leading a blushing damsel by the hand, and approaching the polite clerk, in a suppressed voice; "I say," he exclaimed, "me and my wife have just got married, and I'm looking for accommodations." Looking for a berth?" hastily inquired the clerk-passing tickets out to another passenger. "A birth! thunder and lightning, no!" gasped the astonished man; "we ha'nt but just got married; we want a place to stay all night, you know, and-and a bed."

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