A JOKE BY THE PRESIDENT.-435.

"How do you do, Mr. Lincoln ?" "Well, that reminds me of a story. As the labourer said to the bricklayer, after falling through the roof and rafters of an unfinished house, I have gone through a great deal since you saw me last."

WISE SAWS-BY SAM SLICK.-436.

IF a woman was to put a Bramah lock on her heart, a skilful man would find his way into it, if he wanted to, I know. That contrivance is set to a particular word; find the letters that compose it, and it opens at once.

If a man's sensibility is all in his palate, he can't, of course, have much in his heart.

I tell you what, President, says I, seein' is believin', but it aint them that stare the most who see the best always.

Thunderin' long words aint wisdom, and stopping a critter's mouth is more apt to improve his wind than his onderstandin'.

Swapping facts is better than swapping horses any time. Providence requires three things of us before it will help us a stout heart, a strong arm, and a stiff upper lip. Hope is a pleasant acquaintance, but an unsafe friend. It 'll do on a pinch for a travellin' companion, but he is not the man for your banker.

"Don't care won't bear friend: know, I'm sure," won't ripen it.

for fruit, and "don't

What a pity it is marryin' spoils courtin'.

There's no pinnin' up a woman in a corner, unless she wants to be caught, that's a fact.

Consait grows as nateral as the hair on one's head, but it's longer in comin' out.

People have no right to make fools of themselves, unless they have no relations to blush for them.

It aint every change that's a reform, that's a fact, and reforms 'aint always improvements.

Blushin' for others is the next thing to taking a kicking from them.

A DOUBLE DIFFICULTY.-437.

AN anti-slavery man says what the Southern Confederacy wants is the capitol, and what they can't get to take it with is the capital.

WITH A QUILL.-438.

A MR. HEN has started a new paper in Iowa. He says he hopes by hard scratching to make a living for himself and his little chickens.

DOUBTFUL.-439.

AFTER asking your name in the State of Arkansas, the natives are in the habit of saying, in a confidential tone, "Well, now, what war yer name before yer moved to these parts?"

THE LETTER S.-440.

A WRITER says the Americans will always have more cause to remember the S than any other letter in the alphabet, because it is the beginning of secession, and the end of Jeff. Davis.

NONSENSE ABOUT LOVE.-441.

WHAT nonsense people talk about love, don't they? Sleepless nights, broken dreams, beatin' hearts, pale faces, a pinin' away to shaders, fits of absence, loss of appetite, narvous flutterin's, and all that. I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll swear to the disease. Folks take this talk, I guess, from poets; and they are miserable, mooney sort of critters; half mad and whole lazy, who would rather take a day's dream than a day's work any time, and catch rhymes as niggers catch flies, to pass time; hearts and darts; cupid and stupid; purlin' streams and pulin' dreams, and so on. Its all bunkum!-Sam Slick.

WONDERFUL.-442.

An exchange, recording the fall of a person into the river, says:"It is a wonder he escaped with his life." Prentice says: "Wouldn't it have been a still greater wonder if he had escaped without it ?"

HARD UP.-443.

JERSEY man (entering a dentist's store): "Air yeou a doctor, sir?"-Dentist: "Yes. Can I do anything for you?"

-Jersey man: "Wall, no; I guess not in the way of physic. I've jest called to see if yeou don't want to buy some real, genuine, sound teeth?"-Dentist: "Well, I might want them have you many?"-Jersey man: "I calkilate I can't say I have more'n a few, myself; but our Sal sez she has got some she'll sell, if I can strike a good bargain."-Dentist, having thought for some time, names a price, and the countryman consents.-Jersey man (taking a seat, and coolly spreading himself out): "Wall, I guess yeou may draw a dozen for the present, and I'll bring Sal to-morrow."-Dentist (looking aghast): "Why, you don't mean to sell your own teeth? They're of no use to me." -Jersey man: "Why, look here, they're no airthly use to Sal and me; for what's the use of teeth when one's nothing to eat?"

MILITARY TACTICS.-444.

THE stratagems resorted to by the soldiers at Cairo, to smuggle liquor into their quarters, were often amusing. One day a man started out with his coffee-pot for milk. On his return, an officer suspecting him to have whisky in his can, wished to examine it, and the man satisfied him by pouring out milk. At night there was a general drunk in that soldier's quarters, ending in a fight. It was at last discovered that the man had put a little milk into the spout of his can, sealing the inside with bread, and filling the can with whisky.

SETTLING THE WINE BILL.-445.

AN officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking ⚫ for his bill one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent for-came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d- d bag."-Landlord: "If you

can't, I am sure I can't."-Officer: "Yes you can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the whole bill, and returned the amount,

SMILES.- -446.

WHAT a sight there is in that word-smile; for it changes colour like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A woman has two smiles that an angel might envy-the smile that accepts the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.-Sam Slick

FORLORN HOPE.-447.

AN old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony, says:-"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows, who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest girls will stand no chance at all.”

ARTISTIC EXECUTION.-448.

A MAN Out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave way, and he fell and broke his neck."

TALKING MATCH.-449.

A TALKING match lately came off for five dollars a side. It continued for thirteen hours, the rivals being a Frenchman and a Kentuckian. The bystanders and judges were talked to sleep, and when they awoke in the morning they found the Frenchman dead, and the Kentuckian whispering in his ear.

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KISSING BY PROXY.-450.

ONE of the deacons of a certain church in Virginia asked the Bishop if he usually kissed the bride at weddings? Always," was the reply. "And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next question. "In all such cases," replied the Bishop, "the duty of kissing the lady is appointed to the deacons."

EFFECTIVE REMONSTRANCE.-451.

ONE of the boys at Camp Noble, Indiana, was put on guard one night, and reported to his captain in the morning that "He was abused by a fellow because he would not allow him to pass." "Well," said the captain, "what did you do?" "Do? why I remonstrated with him." "And to what effect?" "Well, I don't know to what effect, but the barrel of my gun is bent."

LATEST DOG STORY.-452.

Two dogs fell to fighting in a saw-mill. In the course of the tustle one dog went plump against a saw in rapid motion, which cut him in two instanter. The hind legs ran away, but the fore legs continued the fight, and whipped the other dog.

A NOTE BY THE EDITOR.-453.

THE editor of a Western paper owes a bank about 1000 dollars, for which they hold his note. The defaulting wag announces it thus in his paper:-"There is a large collection of the autographs of distinguished individuals deposited for safe keeping in the cabinet of the Farmers and Merchants' Bank, each accompanied with a 'note' in the handwriting of the autographist. We learn that they have cost the bank a great deal of money. They paid over a thousand dollars for ours. We hope great care is taken to preserve those capital and interest-ing relics, as, should they be lost, we doubt whether they could be easily collected again. Should the bank, however, be so unfortunate as to lose ours, we'll let them have another at half price, in consequence of the very hard times.”

DISCONSOLATE.-454.

A DISCONSOLATE widower, seeing the remains of his late wife lowered into the grave, exclaimed, with tears in his eyes, "Well, I've lost hogs, and I've lost cows, but I never had anything that cut me up like this."