INDUCEMENT UNNECESSARY.—455. THEY say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she had'nt induced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have sinned of his own accord in drinking. PRETENCE.-456. PRETEND you know, and half the time, if it aint as good as knowin', it will sarve the same purpose. Many a feller looks fat who is only swelled, as the Germans say.-Sam Slick. 66 OPEN THY CUPBOARD TO ME."-457. Get up from that warm feather bed, love, Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love, So open thy cupboard to me. The stars are beginning to "wink," love; The moon will be down before long, love, My feet are all wet with the dew, love, And open thy cupboard to mo. "love: NATUR'S BALANCES.-458. THEM that have more than their share of one thing, commonly have less of another. Where there is great strength, there'aint apt to be much gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint much of a man. A beautiful bird seldom sings. Them that have genius have seldom common sense. A feller with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a fool dies poor. The world is like a baked meat pie; the upper crust is rich, dry, and puffy; the lower crust is heavy, doughy, and underdone; the middle is not bad generally, but the smallest part of all is that which flavours the whole.-Sam Slick. AN EPIGRAM ON PRESIDENT LINCOLN.-459, By the Manes of the Murdered Murray. ABE L. is an able President, His mind has a mighty reach; Search all our cities and marts, You won't find a man with better parts, AMERICAN SOIL-ITS NATURAL RICHNESS.-460. I TOOK a handful of guano, that elixir of vegetation, ana sowed a few cucumber seeds in it. Well. sir, I was considerable tired when I had done it, and so I just took a stretch for it under a great pine-tree, and took a nap. Stranger! as true as I am talking to you this here blessed minute, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to a tree. I thought I should never get out of that scrape; the cucumber vines had so grown and twisted round, and wound me and my legs while I was asleep! Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack knife, opened it with my teeth, and cut myself out, and off for Victoria again, hot foot. When I came into the town, says our captain to me, Peabody, what in natur is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of your pocket?” "Nothin'," sais I, looking as mazed as a puppy nine days old, when he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare. 66 Well, I put in my hand to feel, and I pulled out a great big ripe cucumber, a foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there.-Sam Slick. JOHN AND THE WIDDAH.-461. Ir a'n't the feed-said the young man John-it's the old woman's looks when a fellah lays it in too strong. The feed's well enough. After geese have got tough, 'n' turkeys have got strong, 'n' lamb 's got old, 'n' veal's pretty nigh beef, 'n' sparragrass's growin' tall 'n' slim, 'n' scattery about the head, 'n' peas are gettin' so big 'n' hard, they 'd be dangerous if you fired them out of a revolver, we get hold of all them delicacies of the season. But it's too much like feedin' on live folks, and devourin' widdah's substance, to lay yourself out in the eatin' way, when a fellah 's as hungry as the chap that said a turkey was too much for one, 'n' not enough for two. I can't help lookin' at the old woman. Corned-beef days she's tolerable calm; roastin'-days she worries some, 'n' keeps a sharp eye on the chap that carves. But when there's anything in the poultry line, it seems to hurt her feelin's so to see the knife goin' into the breast, and joints comin' to pieces, that ther's no comfort in eatin'. When I cut up an old fowl, and help the boarders, I always feel as if I ought to say, "Won't you have a slice of widdah?" instead of chicken.-Oliver Wendell Holmes. STRIKING RESEMBLANCE.-462. AN American, speaking of his niggers, said: "Cæsar and Pompey are so much alike that you can't tell the one from the other, 'specially Pompey." UNDOUBTED COURAGE.-463. "Bress "SAMBO, you nigger, are you afraid of work?” you, massa, I no 'fraid of work; I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side." A SIMILE.-464. A JEWELLER in Philadelphia advertises that he has a number of precious stones to dispose of, adding that they sparkle like the tears of a young widow. FIVE OUTS AND ONE IN.-465. A POOR Yankee, upon being asked the nature of his distress, replied that he had "five outs and one in:" to wit, "out of money and out of clothes; out at the heels and out at the toes; out of credit, and in debt. SAM SLICK'S DESCRIPTION OF A TEETOTALLER.-466. I ONCE travelled through all the State of Maine with one of them air chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a blown bladder, after some of the air has leaked out-kinder wrinkled and rumpled like; and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a short allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs-all legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; real gander-gutted lookin.' crittur; as holler as a bamboo walking-cane, and twice as yaller. He actilly looked as if he had been picked off a raft at sea, and dragged through a gimlet hole. ECLIPSING HIMSELF.-467. A VIRGINIAN tavern keeper going down to his wine cellar, by mistake went down his own throat. He did not discover the error he had committed until the candle he carried was blown out b the first inspiration he took. He described it as being very difficult to find his way up again in the dark. FAMILIAR ACQUAINTANCE.-468. AN aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec? "Yes, yes." "And how did you like him?"" "Oh, vastly!"But how did you happen to know him?" "Happen to know him! Why, I ate a piece of him." PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S FIRST POLITICAL SPEECH.-469. ABRAHAM LINCOLN made his first political speech in 1832 when he was a candidate for the Illinois Legislature. His opponent had wearied the audience by a long speech, leaving Mr. L. but a short time in which to present his views. He condensed all he had to say into a few words, as follows -"Gentlemen, Fellow-citizens: I presume you all know who I am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favour of a national bank. I am in favour of the internal improvement system, and a high protective tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected, I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same.' TAKE CARE OF YOUR BAGGAGE.-470. TRAVELLERS Should be careful to entrust their baggage to proper persons only, as a gentleman, not long ago, on alighting from the train at Washington, entrusted his wife to a stranger, and she has not been heard of since. AMERICAN COMPETITION.-471. It is in the nature of an American, says one, to be always in fear lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their habits of competition. AMERICAN DEFINITIONS.-472. Progress of Time.-A pedler going through the land with wooden clocks.-Honesty (obsolete): A term formerly used in the case of a man who had paid for his newspapers, and the coat on his back.-Rigid Justice: A juror in a murder case fast asleep. TWO THINGS UNEXPECTED.-473. JOSH BILLINGS says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air never fully prepared, and those air twins." PERPETUAL MOTION.-474. A NEW YORK paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who turned the crank in the cellar. |