ANSWERING AN ADVERTISEMENT.-533. A MERCHANT advertising for a clerk, "who could bear confinement," received an answer from one who had been ten years in the State prison! THE LOVERS' LEAP.-534. MR. DICKENS tells an American story of a young lady who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged into the sea head foremost. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so wet?" "Take the dry one." And the young lady did, and married him. COMPLIMENTARY.-535. SHE was all sorts of a gal-there warn't a sprinklin' too much of her; she had an eye that would make a fellow's heart try to get out of his bosom; her step was as light as a panther's, and her breath sweet as a prairie flower. CUTTING.- GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, you must be the happiest man in creation." "Why, General?" "Because," replied Lee, " you are in love with yourself, and you have not a rival upon earth.” 66 THE DARKIE'S WISH.-537. I WISH de legislatur would set dis darkie free, An' darkie codes of law, An' darkie judges on de bench, POOR PREACHING AND POOR PAY.-538. "JOHN, what do you do for a living?"- -"Oh, me preach." "Preach, and do you get paid for it?""Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two shillings.""And isn't that mighty poor pay?”—“Oh, yes, but it's mighty poor preaching.' A TRUMP CARD.-539. THERE was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They were mostly in the stage-coach and liverystable line, and careless, reckless sort of people. So one dav Squire Zenas Card had a christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the child?""Pontius Pilate," said he.-"I can't," said the minister, "and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since baptism came in fashion."-"I am sorry for that," said the squire, "for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't have that-and it's a dreadful pity-call him Trump ;" and he was christened "Trump Card."-Sam Slick. TIMELY WARNING.-540. A YANKEE editor thus confesses to have had dea..ngs with Satan, for the good of his readers, of course:-I was sitting in my study, when I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened, and who should walk in but-Satan! "How d'ye do ?" said he.-"Pretty well," said I.- -"What are you about? preparing your leader?"-"Yes," said I.-"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of good?"—"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little good, I hope.' "You have a large lot of readers," said he.-" Well, pretty well for that," said I.-" And I dare say you are very proud of them," said Satan.-"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of them pay for their papers !" "You don't say so!" said he.-"Yes, that I do," said I "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"—" Well," said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I think I can do a trifle myself with such people." HABITUAL THIRST.-541. A SOLDIER on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the president-"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your honour, but habitual thirst." STONING STEPHEN.-542. THE Buffalo Democracy narrates this story of one of the miniature men, vulgarly called children :-"A teacher in a Sunday-school in R- was examining a class of little boys from a Scripture catechism. The first question was, "Who stoned Stephen?"-Answer: "The Jews."-Second question: "Where did they stone him?"-"Beyond the limits of the city."-The third question: "Why did they take him beyond the limits of the city?" was not in the book, and proved a poser to the whole class; it passed from head to foot without an answer being attempted. At length a little fellow who had been scratching his head all the while looked up, and said, "Well, I don't know, unless it was to get a fair fling at him!” VIRGINIAN ELOQUENCE.-543. MR. WISE, of Virginia, in a late speech, is reported to have said respecting that State, “She has an iron chain of mountains running through her centre, which God has placed there to milk the clouds, and be the source of her silver rivers." The Rochester American remarks-"The figure is borrowed from the New York milkmen, who milk the clouds as much as they do their cows, and draw from the former the most palatable and healthful portion of the compound fluid.” YANKEE FACTORY GIRLS.-544. IN one of the factories in Maine the proprietor recently reduced the wages, whereupon there was a general determination to "strike;" and as the girls were obliged to give a month's notice before quitting work, they have meanwhile issued a circular to the world at large, in which is the following interesting paragraph:-"We are now working out our notice, and shall soon be without employment; can turn our hands to 'most anything; don't like to be idle-but determined not to work for nothing when folks can afford to pay. Who wants help? We can make bonnets, dresses, puddings, pies, and cakes, patch, darn, and knit, roast, stew, and fry; make butter and cheese, milk cows and feed chickens, and hoe corn; sweep out the kitchen, put the parlour to rights, make beds, split wood, kindle fires, wash and iron, besides being remarkably fond of babies; in fact, can do anything the most accomplished housewife is capable of-not forgetting the scoldings on Mondays and Saturdays. For specimens of spirit we refer you to our overseer. Speak quick. Black eyes, fair foreheads, clustering locks, beautiful as a Hebe, can sing like a seraph, and smile most bewitchingly. An elderly gentleman in want of a housekeeper, or a nice young man in want of a wife-willing to sustain any character; in fact, we are in the market. Who bids? Going-going-gone! Who's the lucky man?" FALLING IN LOVE.-545. IF you want a son not to fall in love with any splenderiferous gal, praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, say she is a whole team and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the crittur sees her he is a little grain disappointed, and says, "Well, she is handsome, that's a fact; but she is not so very, very everlastin' after all." Nothin' damages a gal, a preacher, or a lake, like overpraise. A hoss is one of the onliest things in natur' that is helpet by it.-Sam Slick. DULL MEMBERS.-546. "I RISE for information," said one of the dullest of the members of the American Legislature.-"I am very glad to hear it," said one, who was leaning over the bar; "for no man wants it more than yourself.' Another member rose to speak on th bill to abolish capital punishments, and commenced by saying, "Mr. Speaker, the generality of mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on the generality of mankind in general." "You had better stop," said one, who was sitting near enough to pull him by the coat-tail; "you had better stop, you are coming out of the same hole you went in at.' HEADY.-547. A NEW YORK paper says that a man the morning after he has been drunk with wine feels as though he had the rheumatism in every hair of his head. SAM SLICK'S GEOLOGY.-548. THE clockmaker says: "I never heard of secondary formations without pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary formations, for they were formed after man." POLITICS.-549. POLITICS is nothing more nor less than a race for a prize, a game for the stakes, a battle for the spoils.-Dow's Sermons. GOOD EYESIGHT.-550. A MAN down East, describing the prevalence of duelling, summed up with: "They even fight with daggers in a room pitch dark." "Is it possible?" was the reply. "Possible, sir!" returned the Yankee, "why I've seen them." A KNOWING CONTRABAND.-551. "Bob," now called Belmont Bob, is the body servant of General Clernard, and at the battle of Belmont it is said of him that when the retreat commenced he started for the boats. Reaching the banks, he dismounted, and slid rapidly down, when an officer, seeing the action, called out: "Stop, you rascal, and bring along the horse." Merely looking up as he waded to the plank through the mud, the darky replied: "Can't 'bey, colonel; major told me to save the most valuable property, and dis nigger's worf mor'n a horse." GENERAL GRANT.-552. WHEN the North American General Grant was about twelve years old, his father sent him a few miles into the country to buy a horse from a man named Ralston. The old man told his son to offer Ralston 50 dollars at first; if he wouldn't take that, to offer 55 dollars, and to go as high as 60 dollars, if no less would make the purchase. The em |