bryotic lieut.-general started off with these instructions fully impressed upon his mind. He called upon Mr. Ralston, and told him he wished to buy the horse. "How much did your father tell you to give for him?" was the very natural inquiry from the owner of the steed. " 'Why," said young Grant, "he told me to offer you 50 dollars, and if that wouldn't do to give you 55 dollars, and if you wouldn't take less than 60 dollars, to give you that." Of course, 60 dollars was the lowest figure at which the horse could be parted with.

SNIP.-553.

A TAILOR from Nantucket exclaimed, on first beholding the Falls of Niagara, "What an almighty fine place to sponge a coat in !"

BACKWOODS CONVERSATION.-554.

What is the land? Bogs.-The atmosphere? Fogs.What did you live on? Hogs.-What were your draught animals? Dogs.-Any fish in the ponds? Frogs.-What did you find the women? Clogs.—What map did you travel by? Mogg's.

NO VICES.-555.

SOME One was smoking in the presence of the President, and complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking. "That is a doubtful compliment," answered the President; "I recollect once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing; smoked for some time; and then grunted out, 'It's my experience that folks who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.'

"FIRE AT THE CRISIS."-556.

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DURING one of the battles on the Mississippi, between General Grant's forces and General Pillow's soldiers, the latter officer called out to a Capt. Duncan, in his usual pompous, solemn manner: Captain Duncan, fire! the crisis has come. Duncan, without saying a word, turned to his men, who were standing by their guns already shotted and primed, and simply called out, "Fire!" The men were

slightly surprised at the order, there being no particular object within range, when an old grey-headed Irish sergeant stepped up with "Plaze, yer honour, what shall we fire at ?" "Fire at the crisis," said Duncan. "Didn't you hear the general say it had come ?”

A SHREWD NIGGFR.-557.

"WHY don't you enlist, Ginger?" asked a white patriot of a negro. "Wal, mas'r," replied the contraband, “did yever see two dogs fightin' for a bone?" " Certainly, GinWal, did yever see de bone fight?" "Not I." Wal, mas'r, you'se both a fightin', and Ginger's de bone, an' he's not gwine to fight in this hyar difficulmty."

ger.'

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THE following amusing description of an American servant we extract from a letter from New York :-An American "help" is no menial. She is spoken of, not satirically, but in simple good faith, as "the young lady" who picks up "the house and "fixes" the dinner-table. Before she agrees to enter a family she cross-examines her mistress as to whether the house is provided with Hecker's flour, and Berbe's range; brass pails; oil-cloth on the stairs; and hot and cold water laid on. Then she states the domestic "platform on which she is prepared to act. 'Monday I bakes; and nobody speaks to me. Tuesday I washes; I'se to be let alone. Wednesday I irons; you'd best let me be that day. Thursday I picks up the house; I'm awful ugly that day in temper, but affectionate. Friday I bakes again. Saturday my beau comes. And SunThe day I has to myself." help," I repeat, is a young lady. She attends lectures, and may some day become a member of a Woman's Rights Convention; and it is because she is a young lady, and the persons who require her assistance do not choose to run the risk of being driven raving mad by her perversity and her impertinence, that so many married couples in the United States never venture on housekeeping for themseves, but live from year's end to year's end in uproarious and comfortless hotels.

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GERMAN WINES.-559.

THE Philadelphia Gazette assures its readers that some of the German wines are as sour as vinegar, and as rough as a file. It is remarked of the wines of Stuttgard, says this authority, that one is like a cat scampering down your throat headforemost, and another is like drawing the same cat back again by its tail.

THE GENERAL NO PATTERN.-560.

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A PRIVATE One day lumbered into the presence of General Thomas and asked for furlough, adding: “General, I wish to go home to see my wife. How long is it since you have seen your wife ?'' inquired the General. "Why," answered the soldier, "I have not seen my wife for over three months." "Three months!" remarked General Thomas, "why, I haven't seen my wife for over three years!" "Well, that may be," rejoined the other. "but you see, General, me and my wife ain't of that sort." The private got his furlough after that rub.

·

IT FOLLOWS.-561.

A YANKEE pedlar with his cart, overtaking another of his class on the road, was thus addressed: "Hallo, what do you carry?" Drugs and medicines," was the reply. "Good," returned the other, "you may go ahead; I carry grave-stones."

JOSHUA BILLINGS ON HORSES.-562.

PEDIGREE iz not important for a fast-trotten' hoss; if he kan trot fast, never mind the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men even who ain't got no pedigree. Thare ain't much art in drivin' a trotten' hoss; just hold him back hard, and holler him ahead hard, that's awl. A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshili if the birchin brakes. Kuller is no kriterior. I have seen awful mean hosses of all kullers, except green. I never seed a mean one of this kuller. Hosses live tew an honorabil old age. I often seen them that appeared fully prepared for deth. Heathens are awlus kind to hosses; it is among Christian people that a hoss haz to trot three mile heats in a hot day, for 25,900 donars counterfeit munny.

"YOU'RE from down East, I guess?" said a sharp, nasal voice behind me. This was a supposition first made in the Portland cars, when I was at a loss to know what distinguishing and palpable peculiarity marked me as a "downBetter informed now, I replied, "I am."

easter."

"Go

Was "In

ing West?" "Yes."-"Travelling alone?" "No." you raised down East ?"" No, in the Old Country.' the little old island? Well, you're kinder glad to leave it, I guess? Are you a widow?" "No."-"Are you travelling on business?" "No."—" What business do you follow?' "None.' "Well, now, what are you travelling for?" "Health and pleasure." "Well, now, I guess you're pretty considerable rich. Coming to settle out West, I suppose?" "No, I'm going back at the end of the fall.” "Well, now, if that's not a pretty tough hickory-nut! I guess you Britishers are the queerest critturs as ever was raised!"

YANKEE INQUISITIVENESS.-564.

ONE of the last stories of Yankee inquisitiveness makes the victim give his tormentor a direct cut, in telling him he wished to be asked no further questions. The inquisitor fell back a moment to take breath, and change his tactics. The half-suppressed smile on the faces of the other passengers soon aroused him to further exertions; and, summoning up more resolution, he then began again. "Stranger, perhaps you are not aware how mighty hard it is for a Yankee to control his curiosity. You'll please excuse me, but I really would like to know your name and residence, and the business you follow. I expect you ain't ashamed of either of 'em, so now won't you just obleedge me?" This appeal brought out the traveller, who, rising up to the extremest height allowed by the coach, and throwing back his shoulders, replied: "My name is General Andrew Washington. I reside in the State of Mississipi. I am a gentleman of leisure, and, I am glad to be able to say, of extensive means. I have heard much of New York, and I am on my way to see it; and, if I like it as well as I am led to expect, I intend to-buy it." Then was heard a shout of stentorian laughter throughout the stage-coach, and this was the last o. that conversation.

THE AMENDE HONOURABLE.-565.

A PENNSYLVANIA paper contains the subjoined amend honourable, which ought to satisfy any reasonable being :"AMENDE HONOURABLE:-We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, as a thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark, we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, is no-thing."

YANKEE PORTRAIT OF JOHN BULL.-566.

AN American writer says: "John Bull is altogether too superfluous and clumsy; his proportions want regulating; his belly is too protuberant; his neck too thick; his feet too spreading; his hands too large and podgy, his lips too spongy and everted; his cheeks too pendulous; his nose too lobular, blunt, and bottle-like; his expression altogether too beef-eating. In a word, according to our taste, John Bull won't do, and must be done over again. The American is an Englishman without his caution, his reserve, his fixed habits, his cant, and his stolidity."

A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.-567.

A ST. LOUIS paper informs its readers that the anthracite coal, found lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like coal; all the difference is that coal burns, and that will not.

HALF GUILTY.-568.

A MAN was on trial for entering a house in Philadelphia in the night time, with intent to steal. The testimony was clear that he had made an opening sufficiently large to admit the upper part of his body, and through which he protruded himself about half way, and, stretching out his arm, committed the theft. Mr. Obfusticate Brief addressed the jury. "What an outrage (looking horrified, and with out. stretched and trembling arms)! I repeat, what an outrage upon your common sense it is for the State's Attorney to ask at your hands the conviction of my client on such testimony! The law is against entering a house, and can a man be said to enter a house when only one-half of his bedy

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