instead of throwing a stone at us, ought to be pecking the article in the State prison. It is not supposable that any paper on earth could have aught to gain from a dispute with the New York Herald. The editor of that concern is so low down that fifty millstones around his neck, waist, arms, and legs, couldn't sink him lower. Notoriously, he has been oftener kicked and horsewhipped than any other man in the United States. Whoever has had the slightest fancy for horsewhipping or kicking him has done it. The licence to operate on him in either way, or both, couldn't have been more perfect if he had worn the word "to let" in chalk-marks upon his shoulders and coat-tail. When he has waked up each morning, his reflection has been, "Now, is it to be a horsewhipping or a kicking to-day and occasionally it has been both, eked out with a smart nose-pulling. In fact, his nose has been so frequently twisted that it is an entirely one-sided affair, and we think that in common fairness the twister" should be sentenced by a court of justice to "untwist the twist." The editor of the Herald is said to have a great deal of money, but his kicks far exceed his coppers. The only time he was ever known to thank God was when sharp-toed boots and shoes were changed to square-toed. It is said that by long experience he could always tell, when kicked, whether the application was made by boots, shoes, brogans, or slippers; at what particular store the article was bought, what was its cost, what its quality, and whether it was made of the hide of Durhams, short-horned Alderneys, Herefords, or Devons. When cattle were killed, it was a frequent understanding that while the fat was to be tried on the fire the leather was to be tried on the editor of the Herald. He is regarded as being undoubtedly the best judge of leather in New York; not that he is a leatherdealer, but that leather-dealers have had so much to do with him. He has come so often in contact with leather that the part of him chiefly concerned has itself become leather; so he not only walks upon leather when he walks, but sits upon leather when he sits. The editor of the Herald has lived a good deal longer than he ought to have done, but it is to be hoped that he can't live always. And if he ever dies, his hide should be tanned to leather-that is, the small portion of it that hasn't already been-his hair used as shoemaker's bristles, and his bones made into shoeing-horns.

A SLASHING ARTICLE.-255.

EDITORS, like other shrewd men, must live with their eyes and ears open. The following story is told of one who started a paper in a western town. The town was infested by gamblers, whose presence was a source of annoyance to the citizens, who told the editor that if he did not come out against them they would not patronize his paper. He replied that he would give them a "smasher" next day. Sure enough, his next issue contained the promised "smasher;" and on the following morning the redoubtable editor, with scissors in hand, was seated in his sanctum, when in walked a large man, with a horse-whip in his hand, who demanded to know if the editor was in. "No, sir," was the reply, "he has stepped out. Take a seat, and read the papers-he will return in a minute.' Down sat the indignant man of cards, crossed his legs with his whip between them, and commenced reading a paper. In the meantime the editor quietly vamoosed downstairs, and at the landing he met another excited man with a cudgel in his hand, who asked if the editor was in? "Yes, sir," was the quick response, "you will find him seated upstairs, reading a newspaper." The latter, on entering the room, with a furious oath, commenced a violent assault upon the former, which was resisted with equal ferocity. The fight was continued till they had both rolled to the foot of the stairs, and had pounded each other to their heart's content.

A NOVEL VERDICT.-256.

A CORONER'S jury in Boston returned as a verdict, in the case of a woman who died suddenly, that "she died from congestion of the brain, caused by overtipulation."

AMERICAN NOTION OF VILLANY.-257.

THE man that will take a newspaper for a length of time and then send it back "refused" and unpaid for, would swallow a blind dog's dinner and then stone the dog for being blind.

CONFESSION OF A CLERGYMAN.-258.

A CLERGYMAN was lately depicting before a deeplyinterested audience the alarming increase of intemperance, when he astonished his hearers by exclaiming: "A young woman in my neighbourhood died very suddenly last Sabbath, while I was preaching the gospel in a state of beastly intoxication!"

PERSONAL.-259.

A CONTEMPORARY having published a long leader on "hogs," a rival paper in the same village upbraids him for obtruding his family matters upon the public.

AWKWARD COINCIDENCE.-260.

AN American divine preached one Sunday morning from the text " Ye are the children of the devil," and in the afternoon, by a funny coincidence, from the words, "Children, obey your parents.'

HOW TO GET A SEAT BY THE FIRE.-261.

A TRAVELLER came into a country hotel in Wisconsin upon a very cold day, and could get no room near the fire, whereupon he called to the ostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse. "Will your horse eat oysters?" replied the ostler. "Try him," said the gentleman. The loafing guests running immediately to see this wonder, the fireside was cleared, and the gentleman had his choice of seats. The ostler brought back the oysters, and said the horse would not touch them. "Won't he?" said the stranger. 66 Why, then, bring them here; I shall be forced to eat them myself."

RIVALLING NATURE.-262.

COTTON being scarce, a Yankee "patriot" has invented, and is selling like hot dumplings, india-rubber breastworks for ladies, as his advertisement says:-"Rivalling nature in grace, shape, and elasticity!"

THE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS.-263.

"WOMAN is most beautiful when in tears, like a rose wet with the crystal dew."-Mobile Examiner. We sup

pose the editor of the Examiner whips his wife every Sunday to make her look beautiful."-Baltimore Sun.

A SENSIBLE WOMAN.-264.

A LADY that would please herself in marrying was warned that her intended, although a good sort of a man, was very singular. "Well," replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is much more likely to be a good husband."

ANOTHER DISCOVERY.-265.

THE other day a crowd was assembled around a drunken man lying at full length in the street. They resorted to every known means to arouse him; they rubbed his ears, then his hands, and shook him violently, but all to no avail, for John Whisky had got too strong a hold on him. Presently, a boy came along who was selling brewers' yeast, which he carried in a pail. "What's the matter?" queried the hopeful; "can't you get him up? Well, I can. If this yeast won't raise him, he's a goner, for it'll raise anything that ever grew." Accordingly, he poured about half a pint down the man's neck, and, sure enough, to the surprise of all, it raised him instantly, and he went on his way, growing taller every minute.

UNNECESSARY APPREHENSION.-266.

A FELLOW, who was being led to execution, told the officers not to take him through a certain street, lest a merchant who resided there should arrest him for an old debt.

EITHER WAY WILL DO.-267.

"WILL you have me, Sarah?" said a young man to a modest girl. "No, John," said she, "but you may have if you will."

me,

A MOOTED QUESTION.-268.

Ir is a mooted question whether St. Paul was ever married. Eusebius says he was a widower, which would usually imply that he had been. We opine that he was, from the hearty manner in which he discouraged the institution.

PARTING FRIENDS.-269.

A CLERGYMAN travelling in California encountered a panther, of which he subsequently wrote as follows: "I looked at him long enough to note his brown and glossy coat, his big, glaring eyes, his broad and well-developed muzzle, and his capacious jaws, when both of us left the spot, and, I am pleased to add, in opposite directions."

HOW TO DO BUSINESS.-270.

Ir is told of a well-known American map-agent out here, that on a recent trip in the interior of the island, he was attacked by highway robbers, who demanded his money. Being more prudent than to carry money into the country, they failed in making a haul. "But," said our Yankee, "I have some splendid maps of the island along with me, which I should like to show you;" and in a twinkling he was off his horse, and a map stuck up on a pole, and explained it so effectually that he sold each of the banditti a map, pocketed the money, and resumed his journey, better off for the encounter.

PAT ON THE YANKEE.-
.-271.

QUOTH Patrick of the Yankee-"Be dad, if he was cast away on a dissolate island, he'd get up the next mornin' an' go round sellin' maps to the inhabitants."

A LONE NIGGER.- -272.

DURING the last winter a "contraband" came into the Federal lines in North Carolina, and was marched up to the officer of the day to give an account of himself, whereupon the following colloquy ensued: "What's your name?" "My name's Sam." "Sam what?" "No, sah;

H