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THE LADIES RELIEF SOCIETY.
EXTRAORDINARY PROCEEDINGS!!-SCANDALOUS TREAT
MENT OF “OUR REPORTER!”
EDITOR OF THE
SAN FRANCISCO, July 12. LEARNING that a meeting of the “ Ladies' Relief Society" was to be held this morning, at Pine Church, on Baptist Street, your Reporter, actuated by a desire to discharge his duty to the public by collecting valuable information, and incited by a laudable curiosity to ascertain what on earth the ladies desired to be relieved from (on which last point he obtained the most complete satisfaction, as will appear), repaired to that sacred edifice, and ensconsing himself in a pew conveniently situated, in case of a sudden retreat becoming expedient, near the door, patiently awaited the commencement of the proceedings.
At half past nine, A. M. precisely, as I ascertained by reference to the magnificent silver watch, valued at $18, which I did not draw in Tobin and Duncan's grand raffle, yesterday, but which, "on the contrary, quite the reverse," was bestowed on me by my deceased Grandmother (excuse the digression; I am approaching a painful subject and like to do it gradually), the ladies began to assemble in their beauty, and, I regret to add, their strength. From the somewhat inconvenient position which, from motives of delicacy and a desire to avoid the appearance of intrusion, I had assumed on the floor of the pew, I counted fifty-two of the sweeteners of our cup of human happiness," of every age, figure and appearance. There was the maid of blushing sixteen, and there was the widow of sixty, dressed in all imaginable styles of colors--white hats, red shawls, chip bonnets, green aprons and pink colored boots.
The Pine Church looked like a conservatory, and as I lay perdue, like an innocent (green) snake among the flowers, listening to the merry laugh and innocent playful gurglings of delight that fell from their hundred and four lips."—How'd do, dear ?" "My! what a love of a bonnet!” “What did draw, Fanny ?” “ Is Lizzy going to marry that fellow ?" &c., I thought that “my lines were cast in very pleasant places, and that I had a goodly heritage.” How painfully was I undeceived; how totally was I engulfed ! (a preferable mode of expression--that engulfed'-to the common but indelicate one of "sucked in).” but I will not anticipate
As the town clock struck ten, the doors were closed, and a lady of mature age and benign though unyielding expression (I do you justice, Madam, though you havn't used me well), ascended the steps of the pulpit, and taking from the
desk a fireman's speaking trumpet that laid thereon, she smote an awful blow upon a copy of the sacred scriptures, and vociferated through the brazen instrument, “ Order!” Conversation ceased, laughter was hushed, and with the exception of an irrepressible murmur and a subdued snicker from your reporter, as some charming being exclaimed, sotto voce, “don't pinch me,” silence reigned profound. “Ladies,” said the President, "you are aware of the object of this meeting. Tied down by the absurd prejudices of society; trammelled by the shackles of custom and unworthy superstition; we have found it necessary to form ourselves into a society, where, free from the intrusion of execrable man; aloof from his jealous scrutiny, whether as father, brother, or that still more objectionable character of husband, we may throw off restraint, exert our natural liberty, and seek relief from the tedious and odious routine of duty imposed upon us in our daily walk of life. Any motion is in order."
At this instant, while my wondering gaze was attracted by an elderly female in a Tuscan bonnet and green veil, who, drawing a black pint bottle from the pocket of her dress, proceeded to take a “snifter” therefrom, with vast apparent satisfaction, and then tendered it to the lady that sat next (a sweet little thing in a Dunstable, with cherry-colored ribbons), a lady rose and said—“Mrs. President: I move that a committee of one be appointed to send a servant to Batty and Parrens, for fifty-two brandy smashes." A thrill of horror ran through my veins; I rose mechanically to my feet; exclaimed "gracious goodness!” and fell, in a fainting con
dition, against the back of the pew. It was my Susan !! You remember the instant that intervenes between the flash of the lightning and the ensuing thunder clap :—for an instant there was silence, dead silence—you might have heard a paper of pins fall—then " at once there rose so wild a yell,”
a man! a man!” they cried, and a scene of hubbub and confusion ensued that beggars description. The venerable female in the Tuscan shyed the pint bottle at my head the little thing in the Dunstable gave me a back-handed wipe with a parasol, and for an instant my life was in positive danger from the shower of fans, hymn-books and other missiles that fell around me. “Put him out, Martha,” said an old lady to a lovely being in a blue dress in an adjacent pewa “I shan't," was the reply, “I haven't been introduced to him.” “Wretched creature," said the President in an awful voice, "who are you ?” “Reporter for the Alta” rose to my throat, but my lips refused their utterance. “What do you want ? ” she continued, "I want to go home," I feebly articulated. "Put him out!" she rejoined; and before I could think, much less expostulate, I was pounced upon by two strong-minded women, and found myself walking rapidly down Baptist street, with the impression of a number three gaiter boot on my clothing about ten inches below the two ornamental buttons upon the small of my back. From this latter circumstance, I have formed the impression that the little thing with the Dunstable and cherry-colored ribbons assisted at my elimination.
And now, Mr. Editor, what are we to think of this ? Does it not give rise to very serious reflections, that a society should exist in our very midst of so nefarious