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that such should remain in merited obscurity. , in private conversation. What is it to me, He may now refuse an invitation to dinner, whether the fine pipe of the one, or the great without fearing to incur his patron's displea- manner of the other be preferable ? what care sure, or to starve by remaining at home. He I if one bas a better top, or the other a nobler may now venture to appear in company with bottom ? how am I concerned if one sings from just such clothes as other men generally wear, the stomach, or the other sings with a snap? and talk even to princes with all the conscious Yet paltry as these matters are, they make a superiority of wisdom. Though he cannot subject of debate wherever I go; and this boast of fortune here, yet he can bravely assert musical dispute, especially among the fair sex, the dignity of independence. Adieu.

almost always ends in a very uimusical altercation.

Sure the spirit of contention is mixed with

the very constitution of the people! divisions LETTER LXXXIV.

among the inhabitants of other countries arise only from their higher concerus, but subjects the most contemptible are made an affair of

party here; the spirit is carried even into their I have interested myself so long in all the amusements. The very ladies, whose duty concerns of this people, that I am almost be should seem to allay the impetuosity of the come an Englishman ; I now begin to read opposite sex, become themselves party chamwith pleasure of their taking towns or gaining pions, engage in the thickest of the tight, scold battles, and secretly wish disappointment to all at each other, and show their courage, even at the enemies of Britain. Yet still my regard the expense of their lovers and their beauty. to mankind fills me with concern for their con There are even a numerous set of poets who tentions. I could wish to see the disturbances help to keep up the contention, and write for of Europe once more amicably adjusted ; I the stage. Mistake me not, Í do not mean am an enemy to nothing in this good world pieces to be acted upon it, panegyrical verses but war ; I hate fighting between rival states; on the performers,- for that is the most uniI hate it between man and man; I hate tighting versal method of writing for the stage at preeven between women!

It is the business of the stage poet, I already informed you, that while Europe therefore, to watch the appearance of every was at variance, we were also threatened froin new player at his own house, and so come out the stage with an irreconcilable opposition, and next day with a flaunting copy of newspaper that our singing women were resolved to sing verses. In these, nature and the actor may be at each other to the end of the season. O my set to run races, the player always coming off friend, those fears were just! They are not victorious; or nature may mistake him for her. determined to sing at each other to the end of self; or old Shakspeare may put on bis windthe season, but what is worse, to sing the same ing sheet, and pay him a visit ; or the tuneful sony; and, what is still more insupportable, to nine may strike up their harps in his praise ; make us pay for hearing.

or, should it happen to be an actress, Venus, If they be for war, for my part, I should the beauteous queen of love, and the naked advise them to have a public congress, and Graces, are ever in waiting: the lady must be there fairly squall at each other. What signi. herself a goddess bred and born ; she must. fies sounding the trumpet of defiance at a dis- But you shall have a specimen of one of these tance, and callinz in the town to fight their poems, which may convey a more precise idea. battles ? I would have them come boldly into one of the most open and frequented streets, On seeing Mrs perform in the character face to face, and there try their skill in quavering.

However this may be, resolved I am that To you, bright fair, the nine address their lays, they shall not touch one single piece of silver The heart-felt power of every charın divine, more of mine. Though I have ears for music, Who can withstand their all-commanding shine ? thanks be to Heaven, they are not altogether while soul-brought tears steal down each shining face!

What? Polly and the Pickpocket She speaks ; 'tis rapture all and nameless bliss, to night, Pully and the Pickpocket to. Ye gods! what transport e'er compared to this? morrow night, and Polly and the Pickpocket With fond complaint, address'd the listening jove,

As when in Paphian groves the queen of love, again! I want patience, I'll hear no more. 'Twas joy, and endless blisses, all around, My soul is out of tune; all jarring discord and And rocks forgot their hardness at the sound. confusion. Rest, rest, ye dear three clinking And felt her charms, without disguise, within. shillings in my pocket's bottom : the music you make is inore harmonious to my spirit, And yet think not, my friend, that I have than catgut, rosin, or all the nightingales that any particular animosity against the champions ever chirruped in petticoats.

who are at the head of the present commotion: But what raises my indignation to the great on the contrary, I could find pleasure in the est degree is, that this piping does not only music, if served up at proper intervals ; if I pester ine on the stage, but is my punishment heard it only on proper occasions, and not


ass's ears.


about it wherever I go. In fact, I could people, whose valour makes such a figure patronize them both ; and as an instance of my abroad, apostrophizing in the praise of a condescension in this particular, they may come bouncing blockhead, and wrangling in the and give me a song at my lodgings, on any even- defence of a copper-tailed actress at home. ing when I am at leisure, provided they keep a I shall conclude my letter with the sensible becoming distance, and stand, while they con- admonition of Mé the philosopher.

“ You tinue to entertain me, with decent bumility, at love barmony,” says he, “and are charmed with the door.

music. I do not blame you for hearing a fine You perceive I have not read the seventeen voice, when you are in your closet, with a love. books of Chinese ceremonies to no purpose. ly parterre under your eye, or in the night-time, I know the proper share of respect due to every while perhaps the moon diffuses her silver rays. rank of society. Stage-players, fire-eaters, But is a man to carry this passion so far, as to singing women, dancing dogs, wild beasts, and let a company of comedians, musicians, and wire-walkers, as their efforts are exerted for singers, grow rich upon his exhausted fortune ? our amusement, ought not entirely to be de- If so, he resembles one of those dead bodies, spised. The laws of every country should whose brains the embalmer has picked out allow them to play their tricks at least with through its ears." Adieu. impunity. They should not be branded with the ignominious appellation of vagabonds; at least they deserve a rank in society equal to the mystery of barbers or undertakers, and,

LETTER LXXXV. could my influence extend so far, they should be allowed to earn even forty or fifty pounds a.year, if eminent in their profession.

'I am sensible, however, that you will cen Of all the places of amusement where gen sure me of profusion in this respect, bred up tlemen and ladies are entertained, I have not as you are in the narrow prejudices of eastern been yet to visit Newmarket. This, I am told, frugality. You will undoubtedly assert, that is a large field, where, upon certain occasions, such a stipend is too great for so useless an three or four horses are brought together, then employment. Yet how will your surprise in- set a-running, and that horse which runs swiftcrease, when told, that though the law holds est wins the wager. them as vagabonds, many of them earn more This is reckoned a very polite and fashion. than a thousand a-year! You are amazed. able amusement here, much more followed by There is cause for amazement. A vagabond the nobility than partridge fighting at Java, or with a thousand a year is indeed a curiosity in paper kites in Madagascar : several of the nature; a wonder far surpassing the flying fish, great here, I am told, understand as much of petrified crab, or travelling lobster. However, farriery as their grooms; and a horse, with from my great love to the profession, I would any share of merit, can never want a patron willingly bave them divested of their contempt, among the nobility. and part of their finery; the law should kind

We have a description of this entertainment iy take them under the wing of protection, fix almost every day in some of the gazettes, as them into a corporation, like that of the bar- for instance : « On such a day, the Give and bers, and abridge their ignominy and their Take Plate was run for between his Grace's pensions. As to their abilities in other re- Crap, his Lordship’s Periwinkle, and 'Squire spects, I would leave that entirely to the public, Smackem's Slamerkin. All rode their own horwho are certainly in this case the properest ses. There was the greatest concourse of robiljudges,—whether they despise them or not. ity that has been known here for several seasons.

I would abridge their pen- The odds were in favour of Crab in the beginsion. A theatrical warrior, who conducts the ning ; but Slamerkin, after the first heat, battles of the stage, should be cooped up with seemed to have the match hollow: however, the same caution as a bantam cock that is kept it was soon seen that Periwinkle improved in for fighting. When one of those animals is wind, which at last turned out accordingly; taken from its native dunghill, we retrench it Crab was run to a stand-still, Slamerkin was both in the quantity of its food, and the number knocked up, and Periwinkle was brought in of its seraglio: players should in the same with universal applause." Thus, you see, manner be fed, not fattened; they should be Periwinkle received universal applause, and, permitted to get their bread, but not eat the no doubt, his lordship caine in for some share people's bread into the bargain ; and, instead of of that praise which was so liberally bestowed being permitted to keep four mistresses, in upon Periwinkle

. Sun of China ! how gloconscience, they should be contented only with rious must the senator appear in his cap and two.

leather breeches, his whip crossed his mouth, Were stage-players thus brought into bounds, and thus coming to the goal, amongst the perhaps we should find their admirers less san- shouts of grooms, jockies, pimps, stable-bred guine, and consequently less ridiculous, in dukes, and degraded generals ! patronizing them.

We should be no longer From the description of this princely amusestruck with the absurdity of seeing the same ment, now transcribed, and from the great

Yes, my,

veneration I have for the characters of its prin I do not know whether this description may cipal promoters, I make no doubt but I shall not have anticipated that which I intended givlook upon a horse race with becoming reve- ing of Newmarket. I am told, there is little rence, predisposed as I am by a similar amuse- else to be seen even there.

There may be ment, of wbich I have lately been a specta- some minute differences in the dress of the tor; for just now I happened to have an op- spectators, but none at all in their understandportunity of being present at a cart race. ings; the quality of Brentford are as remark

Whether this contention between three carts able for politeness and delicacy as the breeders of different parishes was promoted by a sub- of Newmarket. The quality of Brentford scription among the nobility, or whether the drive their own carts and the honourable fra. grand jury, in council assembled, had glo. ternity at Newmarket ride their own horses. riously combined to encourage plaustral merit, In short, the matches in one place are as raI cannot take upon me to determine ; but cer- tional as those in the other; and it is more tain it is, the whole was conducted with the than probable that turnips, dust, and dung are utmost regularity and decorum, and the com- all that can be found to furnish out description pany, which made a brilliant appearance, were in either. universally of opinion, that the sport was high, Forgive me, my friend, but a person like me, the running fine, and the riders influenced by bred up in a philosophic seclusion, is apt to no bribe.

regard, perhaps with too much asperity, those It was run on the road from London, to a occurrences which sink man below his station village called Brewford, between a turnip-cart, in nature, and diminish the intrinsic value of a dust-cart, and a dung-cart : each of the own- humanity. Adieu. ers condescending to mount, and be his own driver. The odds at starting, were Dust against Dung, five to four; but after half a mile's going, the knowing ones found them

LETTER LXXXVI. selves all on the wrong side, and it was Turnip against the field, brass to silver.

FROM FUM HOAM TO LIEN CHI ALTANGI. Soon, however, the contest became more doubtful; Turnip indeed kept the way, but it You tell me the people of Europe are wise: was perceived that Dung had better bottom. but where lies their wisdom ? You say they The road re.echoed with the shouts of the spec. are valiant too ; yet I have some reasons to tators—“Dung against Turnip! Turnip against doubt of their valour. They are engaged in Dung !” was now the universal cry; neck and war among each other, yet apply to the Rusneck; one rode lighter, but the other had sians their neighbours and ours fc: assistance. more judgment. I could not but particularly Cultivating such an alliance argues at once observe the ardour with which the fair sex es- imprudence and timidity. All subsidies paid poused the cause of the different riders on this for such an aid is strengthening the Russians, occasion ; one was charmed with the unwashed already too powerful, and weakening the embeauties of Dung ; another was captivated with ployers, already exhausted by intestine commothe patibulary aspect of Turnip, while in the tions. mean-time, unfortunate gloomy Dust who I cannot avoid beholding the Russian emcame whipping behind, was cheered by the en- pire as the natural enemy of the more western couragement of some, and pity of all.

parts of Europe ; as an enemy already posThe contention now continued for some sessed of great strength, and from the nature time, without a possibility of determining to of the government every day threatening to bewhom victory designed the prize. The win- come more powerful. This extensive em. ning post appeared in view, and he who drove pire, which both in Europe and Asia, occuthe turnip-cart assured himself of success; and pies almost a third of the old world, was successful he might have been, had his horse about two centuries ago divided into separate been as ambitious as he; but upon approach- kingdoms and dukedoms, and from such a ing a turn from the road, wbich led homewards, division, consequently feeble. Since the the horse fairly stood still, and refused to move time, however, of Johan Basilides, it bas ina foot farther. The dung-cart had scarcely creased in strength and extent; and those untime to enjoy this temporary triumph when it trodden forests, those innumerable savage aniwas pitched headlong into a ditch by the way- mals, which fornierly covered the face of the side, and the rider left to wallow in congenial country, are now removed, and colonies of mud. Dust, in the meantime, soon came up, mankind planted in their room. A kingdom and not being far from the post, came in, thus enjoying peace internally, possessed of an amidst the shouts and acclamations of all the unbounded extent of dominion, and learning spectators, and greatly caressed by all the quality the military art at the expense of others abroad, of Brentford. Fortune was kind only to one, must every day grow more powerful ; and it who ought to have been favourable to all ; is probable we shall bear Russia, in future Lach had peculiar merit, each laboured hard to times, as formerly, called the Officina Gentium. earn the prize, and each richly deserved the It was long the wish of Peter, their great cart he drove.

monarch, to have a fort in some of the westeru


parts of Europe ; many of his schemes and treaties were directed to this end, but happily

LETTER LXXXVII. for Europe, he failed in them all. A fort in the power of this people would be like the

FROM LIEN CHI ALTANGI, TO FUM HOAM, FIRST possession of a floodgate ; and whenever am PRESIDENT OF THE CEREMONIAL ACADEMY AT bition, interest, or necessity prompted, they might then be able to deluge the whole world with a barbarous inundation,

As the instruction of the fair sex in this Believe me, my friend, I cannot sufficiently country is entirely committed to the care of forcontemn the politicians of Europe, who thus eigners; as their language masters, music masmake this powerful people arbitrators in their ters, hair frizzers, and governesses, are all from quarrel. The Russians are now at that period abroad, I had some intentions of opening a between refinement and barbarity, which seems female academy myself, and made no doubt, most adapted to military achievement; and if as I was quite a foreigner, of meeting a favouronce they happen to get footing in the western able reception. parts of Europe, it is not the feeble efforts of In this, I intended to instruct the ladies in the sons of effeminacy and dissension that all the conjugal mysteries; wives should be can serve to remove them. The fertile valley taught the art of managing husbands, and maids and soft climate will ever be sufficient induce the skill of properly choosing them ; I would ments to draw whole myriads from their na- teach a wife how far she might venture to be tive deserts, the trackless wild, or snowy sick, without giving disgust; she should be mountain,

acquainted with the great benefits of the cholic History, experience, reason, nature, expand in the stomach, and all the thorough-bred insothe book of wisdom before the eyes of man- lence of fashion ; maids should learn the secret kind, but they will not read. We have seen of nicely distinguishing every competitor; they with terror a winged phalanx of famished lo- should be able to know the difference between custs, each singly contemptible, but from multi- | a pedant and a scholar, a citizen and a prig, a tude become hideous, cover like clouds the face squire and his horse, a beau and bis monkey; of day, and threaten the whole world with but chiefly they should be taught the art of ruin. We have seen them settling on the fer managing their smiles, from the contemptucile plains of India and Egypt, destroying in ous simper to the long laborious laugh. an instant the labours and the hopes of nations ; But I have discontinued the project; for sparing neither the fruit of the earth nor the what would signify teaching ladies the manner verdure of the fields, and changing into a of governing or choosing husbands, when marfrightful desert, landscapes of once luxuriant riage is at present so much out of fashion, that a beauty. We have seen myriads of ants issu- lady is very well off who can get any husband ing together from the southern desert, like at all! Celibacy now prevails in every rank a torrent whose source was inexhaustible, of life : the streets are crowded with old bachesucceeding each other without end, and renew- lors, and the houses with ladies who have refusing their destroyed forces with unwearied per- ed good offers and are never likely to receive severance, bringing desolation wherever they any for the future. eame, banishing men and animals, and when The only advice, therefore, I could give the destitute of all subsistence, in heaps infecting fair sex, as things stand at present, is to get the wilderness which they had made! Like husbands as fast as they can.

There is cer. these bave been the migrations of men. When tainly nothing in the whole creation, not even as yet savage, and almost resembling their Babylon in ruins, more truly deplorable than brute partners in the forest, subject like them a lady in the virgin bloom of sixty-three, or a only to the instincts of nature, and directed by battered unmarried beau, who squibs about hunger alone in the choice of an abode, bow from place to place, showing his pigtail wig have we seen whole armies starting wild at and his ears. The one appears to my imagi. once from their forests and their dens! Goths, nation in the form of a double night-cáp, or a Huns, Vandals, Saracens, Turks, Tartars, my roll of pomatum, the other in the shape of an riads of men, animals in human form, without electuary, or a box of pills. country, without name, without laws, over I would once more, therefore, advise the powering by numbers all opposition, ravaging ladies to get husbands, I would desire them cities, overturning empires, and after having not to discard an old lover without very suffi. destroyed whole nations, and spread extensive cient reasons, nor treat the new with ill nature desolation, how have we seen them sink op till they know him false; let not prudes allege pressed by some new enemy more barbarous the falseness of the sex, coquettes the pleasures and even more unknown than they! Adieu. of long courtship, or parents the necessary pre

Jiminaries of penny for penny. I have reasons that would silence even a casuist in this particular. In the first place, therefore, I divide the subject into fifteen heads, and then sic argumentor-- But not to give you and myself the

spleen be contented at present with an Indian I women; let us throw it back into the sea where tale.

we found it.” In a winding of the river Amidar, just be The diver, in the mean time, stood upon the fore it falls into the Caspian Sea, there lies an | beach at the end of the line, with the hook in island unfrequented by the inhabitants of the his mouth, using every art that he thought continent. In this seclusion, blest with all could best excite pity, and particularly looking that wild uncultivated nature could bestow, extremely tender, which is usual in such cirlived a princess and her two daughters. She cumstances. The coquette, therefore, in some had been wrecked upon the coast while her measure influenced by the innocence of his children as yet were in fanis, who of consequence, looks, ventured to contradict her companion. though grown up, were entirely unacquainted “ Upon my word, sister,” says she, “I see with man.

Yet, inexperienced as the young nothing in the animal so very terrible as you ladies were in the opposite sex, both early dis are pleased to apprehend; I think it may covered symptoms, the one of prudery, the other serve well enough for a change. Always sharks, of being a coquette. The eldest was ever and sturgeons, and lobsters, and crawfish, make learning maxims of wisdom and discretion from me quite sick. I fancy a slice of this, vicely her mamma, while the youngest employed all grilladed, and dressed up with shrimp sauce, her hours in gazing at ber own face in a neigh- would be very good eating I faney mamma bouring fountain.

would like a bit with pickles above all things Their usual amusement in this solitude was in the world ; and if it should not sit easy on fisbing : their mother had taught them all the her stomach, it will be time enough to disconsecrets of the art; she showed them which tinue it when found disagreeable, you know." were the most likely places to throw out the “ Horrid,” cries the prude, “would the girl be line, what baits were most proper for the va- poisoned ? I tell you it is a Tanglang ; I have rious seasons, and the best manner to draw up read of it in twenty places. It is every where the finny prey, when they had hooked it. In described as the most pernicious animal that this manner they spent their time, easy and in ever infested the ocean. I am certain it is the nocent, till one day, the princess being indis- most insidious ravenous creature in the world ; posed, desired them to go and catch her a stur- and is certain destruction if taken internally.” geon or shark for supper, which she fancied The youngest sister was now therefore obliged might sit easy on her stomach. The daughters to submit: both assisted in drawing the book obeyed, and clapping on a gold fish, the usual with some violence from the diver's jaw; and bait on those occasions, went and sat upon one he finding bimself at liberty, bent bis breast of the rocks, letting the gilded hook glide down against the broad wave and disappeared in an with the stream.

On the opposite shore, farther down, at the Just at this juncture the mother came down mouth of the river, lived a diver for pearls, a to the beach, to know the cause of her daughyouth who, by long habit in his trade, was ters' delay; they told her every circumstance, almost grown amphibious ; so that he could re- describing the monster they had caught. The main whole hours at the bottom of the water, old lady was one of the most discreet-women without ever fetching breath. He happened to in the world; she was called the black eyed be at that very instant diving when the ladies princess, from two black eyes she had received were fishing with the gilded hook. Seeing in youth, being a little addicted to boxing in therefore the bait, which to him had the ap- her liquor. “ Alas my children,” cries she, pearance of real gold, he was resolved to seize “ what have you done! the fish you caught the prize, but both his hands being already filled was a man-fish; one of the most tame domeswith pearl oysters, he found himself obliged to tic animals in the world. We could have let snap at it with his mouth : the consequence him run and play about the garden, and he is easily imagined; the hook, before unperceiv- would have been twenty times more entertained, was instantly fastened in his jaw ; nor ing than your squirrel or monkey."- If that be could he, with all his efforts or his foundering all,” says the young coquette, “we will fish

for him again. If that be all, I'll hold three Sister,” cries the youngest princess, “I tooth-picks to one pound of snuff, I catch him have certainly caught a monstrous fish; I whenever I please.” Accordingly they threw never perceived any thing struggle so at the end in their line once more, but with all their gildof

ту line before ; come and help me to draw ing, and paddling, and assiduity, they could it in.” They both now, therefore, assisted in never after catch the diver. In this state of fishing up the diver on shore; but nothing solitude and disappointment, they continued for could equal their surprise upon seeing him. many years, still fishing, but without success; “ Bless my eyes,” cries the prude, “ what have till at last the genius of the place, in pity to we got here ? tbis is a very odd fish to be sure; their distresses, changed the prude into a I never saw any thing in my life look so queer : shrimp, and the coquette into an oyster. whateyes, what terrible claws, what a monstrous Adieu. snout! I have read of this monster somewhere before, it certainly must be a Tanglang, that eats


get free.

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