Bill (reads). "GENTLEMEN RIDERS ALLOWED FIVE POUNDS." Tom. "ALLOWED FIVE POUNDS!! WHY I'D RIDE BETTER NOR HE-FOR 'ARF A CROWN!" TERRIBLE POACHING AFFRAY. bad language was exchanged, in which both the Bottleholder and Burly Jack joined; and on all sides a rancorous spirit was evinced, which will infallibly break out anew on the first occasion. The men, Rupert and Benn, are both injured for the rest of their lives, and neither will ever be able to get a place in service again, if so minded. Such is poaching; such is the cost at which the privileges of such persons as the Oldwiggs are maintained! May not a country, burdened to uphold their sacred sport, ask, Who and what are the Oldwiggs? STUCCO FOR THE SOFTER SEX. ANOTHER of those unfortunate collisions which arise from our gamepreserving system has just taken place upon some land known as Reform Field, part of the preserves long held and jealously kept by the family of the Oldwiggs, connected with the noble house of Bedford. One of the shrewdest and most vigilant of the Oldwigg keepers, a man named Rustle, had, it seems, been watching the actions of two persons whom he had reason to suspect of intention to poach on the Oldwigg manor but though he had known that for some time the men in question had been setting snares, it was not until the other night that he felt himself justified in interfering. One of the men in question comes from Knowsley, and has passed under several aliases, as Young Stanley, the Scorpion, Prince Rupert, Chivalry Ned, and other names, and is what is commonly called a sporting character, doing a good deal in the betting line. The other is a Derby man, whose features betoken Hebraic descent, and whose talents are reported to be of an extraordinarily high order, and such as might have placed him in a superior position, had they been otherwise directed. He is in general rather taciturn, but can be exceedingly abusive if provoked. He is called Benn. On Monday night Rustle, still on the watch, saw Rupert and Benn enter Reform Field, and with a double-barrelled gun begin blazing away at game which had always been sacred to the Oldwigg family, and had scarcely been disturbed since a grand battue which took place in 1832. The veteran Rustle gallantly advanced upon the poachers, and demanded their gun. He was received by a jeer, and with some flippant remarks about one man having as much right to knock down what is foul as another; and, looking round for support, he observed two persons known in the district as the Bottleholder, and Burly Jack, the former of whom was chewing a twig, and the latter twirling a large cudgel. Neither, how-ness which these preparations may be supposed calculated to restore ever, seemed very eager to come to his aid, and rather looked to see what his chances were, when the brave little man (he is considerably under the middle stature) rushed upon the unprincipled poachers with a resolution which appalled them. A fierce struggle ensued, but Rustle, strong in the conviction that he was defending private property against thieves, succeeded in dealing his antagonists some terrible blows, and so damaging their gun that it became useless. Extremely strong and ball." To what kind of beings is it possible to conceive the subjoined advertisement, from the Morning Post, addressed?BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.-MADAME RACHEL begs to inform her lady patronesses, the nobility, and aristocracy generally, that she has opened her ANNUAL SUBSCRIPTION list for the supply of her Costly Arabian Preparations for the restoration and preservation of female loveliness, which have obtained for her the patronage of royalty-these being manufactured entirely by MADAME RACHEL, who has no agents, and cannot be obtained from any other source. Terms as usual, 20 guineas per annum, which includes every requisite for a most recherché toilet, and two attendances by MADAME RACHEL, viz., one drawing-room and one state To advertise cosmetics as being costly instead of cheap, if the advertisement were addressed to rational creatures, would be to adopt a style of puff about as judicious as the cry of unsavoury fish. Soft indeed must be that sex to which the costliness of any article could be a recommendation of it. The softness which can accept Arabian Preparations, manufactured entirely by MADAME RACHEL, as Arabian in any other sense than that in which they may possibly be associated with a Mosaic Arab, seems quite waxy. The female loveliand preserve, appears indeed to be, as it were, that of the ladies in the hairdressers' windows, bright and brilliant with their glass eyesradiant in red and white wax. Imagination pictures MADAME RACHEL'S patronesses as having been fashioned out of that plastic material, and animated with a faint life by a disciple of FRANKENSTEIN. What real lady would be allured by such a phrase as a most recherché toilet ?" In another advertisement MADAME RACHEL describes herself as "the Enamellist." This notification is, like the foregoing, headed "Beautiful Women." Accordingly, we must suppose that beautiful women, of a sort, are the subjects of MADAME RACHEL'S enamelling processes; and what sort of women can that be, but an artificial one? Pretty women, indeed, they probably are. Fancy an enamelled object of affection! The nearest thing to it well imaginable is, perhaps, a whited sepulchre. LIST OF THE NEW MINISTRY. SEVERAL lists of the next Ministry are, as usual, being handed about. Cox of Finsbury has distributed three, in different handwritings, in one of which he is announced as Premier, in the second as Master of the Buck Hounds, and in the third as Archbishop of Canterbury, who, Cox appears to think, goes out with the Cabinet. But the following is the only correct list, which Mr. Punch is privileged to copy from a half sheet of green note paper with scarlet edges, scollopped, the pretty writing being that of PR-NC-s A- -E, and the memoranda being made for her R-Y-L M-A:— MR. ROBSON. SIR H. COMPTON. MR. G. V. BROOKE. LORD BALDWIN BUCKSTONE. SIR ALFRED WIGAN. SIR T. P. COOKE. MR. TOOLE. SIR LEIGH MURRAY. SIR CHARLES KEAN. MR. G. HONEY. MR. PHELPS. MR. PUNCH. THE POLITICAL POACHERS. WHEN I was bound a Tory, it was to Buckinghamshire, As I and my companions a Jew Bill did prepare, The Whigs called out, "That's cribb'd from us;" but for them we For we can shuffle or dodge, my boys-creep under anywhere: Myself and my companions from place they thought to drive Now we are turned Reformers, they cry about the town, So, here's to Liberal principles, which views we now declare,- Austria in Three Letters. IN reply to the VERDI cry, the walls of Vienna have been chalked with the letters "A. E. 1. O. U.," which, translated by the wits of that Boeotian capital, are said to convey, "Austria Est Imperare Orbi Universo." The only bit of truthful likeness that we can trace to Austria in the above chalk drawing is in the I. O. U. That is an Austrian feature that is true to a letter, and one which would have been immediately recognised, even without the presence of the "chalk" to increase the point of the resemblance. THE ATOMIC THEORY.-Little minds appreciate little minds the best. ADDRESSES TO LORD COLCHESTER. A A SYMPTOM OF DISSOLUTION. LETTER appeared in WE have an ill-natured suspicion that MR. BERNAL the Times the other OSBORNE never gets up to speak, unless he has a strong day, stating that the personal object in view. He labours under the loss of POSTMASTER-GENE- his voice sometimes for months and months, and then RAL had issued a war- recovers it all of a sudden, and just in time. The fear rant, increasing the of losing his seat will suddenly endow him with the most book-post to treble facetious faculty of speech, though he may have been the former charges. dumb as any Steward of the Chiltern Hundreds for an As this new arrangeentire session previously. It is with this intimate knowment was to date from ledge, that we look upon the two or three little speeches the First of April, he has been lately entertaining the House with as the perhaps it will come most alarming symptom of an impending dissolution. You into operation after may be sure that OSBORNE would not have talked so much the Greek Calends. (the united length of all his recent speeches would amount, The Correspondent perhaps, to a full quarter of a column) unless he had a of the Times signed stirring presentiment that he was likely, before long, to his communication be summoned before the electors of Dover. It is not to "Vox POPULI." This the House he is talking so much as to the Hustings. His attempt on the part constituents may be getting their bundles of chaff ready of the president of for his humorous reception. Shakespeare's Cliff will the Post Office to try soon have an opportunity of cracking its sides with on a rise of the postal laughter. tariff, coming after the unsuccessful The French Scale made More Harmonious. scheme of returning unprepaid letters, THE diapason is to be lowered a quarter of a tone in will-if followed, as France. This is all very well for music, but how about the it seems likely to be, diapason of politics? for we take the liberty of telling by many similar efforts to make himself disagreeable-probably occasion him to SIR FRANCIS HEAD's protégé, LOUIS NAPOLEON, that the hear more from Vox POPULI than he will like. The voice of the people will tone of that has been pitched a great deal too high lately. perhaps address the Noble Lord at the head of the St. Martin's-le-Grand establish- It must be lowered several diplomatic notes before it can ment, as he walks or rides about, pursuing him with cries and questions of this be made agreeable to our ears. sort:"Hullo! I say, old Natives, what are you up to raising the postage? Stand out of the way of the Mail, old Double-barrel! Take your hand out of the letter-box, old Scollops! Don't put your foot in it, Shelly! COLCHESTER, hook -you ain't fit for your post. Shut up, old Oysters!' COMPARATIVE ANATOMY.-You may be better than others, but that doesn't mean to say that you are worth much. FLATTERING TESTIMONIAL. WE understand that the English residents in Paris intend presenting LORD COWLEY with a little testimonial, in remembrance of his Lordship's recent Mission to Vienna, and the success which has attended his pacific labours. To typify his Lordship's usefulness at Court, it is proposed the little souvenir should assume a form rather of utility than ornament; and we believe it will consist of a set of dinnernapkins, which, in his Lordship's hospitalities, will be in constant use. We understand that the napkins will be tastefully embroidered by the hands of those (remarkably) select few of our fair countrywomen who have been honoured by his Lordship with a dinner invitation. Of the designs we are at present not at liberty to speak; but we are given to understand that napkin "No. 1" will be embroidered in the centre with a few neat lines of compliment, setting forth the dinner services LORD C. has done the State; and that on napkin "No. 2" will be depicted, in raised needlework, a portrait of his Lordship, taken from the life, as he appeared on his return from his late pacific mission. To give the likeness more effect, certain details will be added from MR. MILLAIS' picture, and underneath will be inscribed the explanatory words A BROAD HINT. Stumpy Artist (to Friend with a Government appointment and lots of time). "Come and see my Picture; can't you come in the daytime early? And look 'ere: do you know a tall, handsome, gentlemanly-looking fellow, with a light beard and moustache, who would sit to me for my Hungarian Chief?" THE DONKEY'S MEDICAL GUIDE. EVERY North Briton is on this side of the Tweed described as a "hard-headed Scotchman;" but the North British Advertiser appears to circulate among a population, many of whom, if their heads are not as soft as puddings, are remarkable for that peculiar hardness of head which is otherwise called density, and is accompanied with thickness. To hard-headed Scotchmen of this latter description, if not to softheaded Scotchmen, must the following advertisement, extracted from our North British Contemporary, be addressed : DR. JAMES GREER'S, OF GLASGOW, ONE OF 300 SCIENTIFIC MIRACLES.-It's a positive fact! Philosophers, Doctors, Lawyers, and College Professors, can neither understand nor learn how those True Miracles are wrought, not on the Dead Body, but on their Dying Victims, by DR. GREER'S Pills. Behold the truth as it is declared by the Patients in Newspapers : A dying man, MR. WILLIAM SHAW, master millwright, 88, Gallowgate, swelled from head to foot, was drawn in a cab from 114, Main Street, Bridgeton, te DR. GREER'S Shop, He took 122 Vegetable Pills, and walked four miles the next day to publish that he was perfectly cured of all the swellings. What was the matter with MR. SHAW? will perhaps be the question of any bloated fool who, wishing to reduce his bulk, may propose to take DR. GREER'S pills for that purpose, and may not be quite such an idiot as to take them without at all thinking whether or not they are suitable for his complaint. MR. SHAW's case was evidently general emphysema, or windy swelling, of that species in which the patient assumes the character of a human puff. That character, however, is by no means destroyed when a quack medicine has brought down all the bodily tumefaction which the sufferer ever laboured under. It appears to be constitutional and inveterate in the case of this fellow, SHAW; for the above advertisement proceeds to inform sumphs and simpletons that MR. SHAW says DR. GREER'S numerous cured patients are sinners wilfully, while they don't tell their doctors how they are cured by his pills. MR. SHAW declares that forty of DR. GREER'S Pills cured him of Cholera, after he was given WHAT MAY BE DONE IN FIFTY YEARS. AN American paper is eloquent upon the many inventions and discoveries for which the world is indebted to the first half of the nineteenth century. Amongst others, may be enumerated the following:-Punch, Steamers, railways, the electric telegraph, gas, photography, and chloroform. The second half of the nineteenth century scarcely promises to be so rich. Its claims to originality do not, at present, extend much beyond-Crinoline, all-round collars, peg-toptrousers, perambulators, penny ices, halfpenny steamboats, and penny papers. The list is not a lively one. However, there is plenty of time between this and the commencement of the twentieth century. The next forty years may witness the birth of some tremendous genius, who may hit upon the means of setting the Thames on fire; or, for aught we know, abolishing the National Debt. All things are, we believe, possible to the genius of Man, even down to the completion of Trafalgar Square! up for death ten years ago, where three corpses were taken from the stair. All that took his Pills recovered," Blockheads and boobies are next advised where DR. GREER'S medicines are to be sold: knowledge to the dissemination of which Mr. Punch does not choose to be instrumental. So much for DR. GREER'S pills, and hard-headed Scotchmen. But there are also Englishmen equally and likewise hard of head; and to their belief and acceptance the following statement is proposed in the Morning Post, in the form, not of advertisement, but that of paragraph: "HOLLOWAY'S PILLS AND OINTMENT-A Perfect Panacea.-In these two preparations are found reliable remedies for all complaints caused by climate, irregularity. Internal or external disorders are subjugated by these over exertion, or accident. incomparable medicines without demanding any knowledge or faith on the patient's part. They act physically by removing impurities and establishing regularity of function; in fact 'Before their healing presence life respires, The foregoing assertions are noteworthy for containing one statement of which the truth is indisputable. There can be no doubt that nobody can know that HOLLOWAY's incomparable medicines that is to say, medicines that cannot be compared to any that are good for anythingever cured himself or anybody else of any complaint whatever; so that all disorders, whether internal or external, which they ever subjugate, they subjugate entirely without demanding of the patient the knowledge that he has even anything the matter with him. There can be as little doubt that they demand no faith whatever in their efficacy on the part of those who attest their curative effects. One other truth is very probably contained in the remainder of the above quoted medical paragraph in the Post: "No organ in the body can long resist the combined action of these remedies, which invariably harmonise every corporeal function, and on the brain reflect a happy state of mind, removing low spirits, lassitude, and hypochondriacism, for which they substitute cheerfulness and contentment, and render pure our physical and moral being." |