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by such a visit. Now, my dear Punch, I am not of an envious disposition, but the fact is that his Royal Highness has a few seats reserved for never was, but I ask you in the name of all that is fair, what attraction himself in that vicinity, and I am afraid that has something to do with there can be in such men as DAUBNEY GLAZE or VANDYKE BROWN, it. Lord, lord! how I do wish you could see the manoeuvring little which your humble servant does not possess; and whether my cele- darlings. I have travelled much, my dear Punch, and seen fair faces brated historical picture of the Coronation of Amalasuntha (A.D. 534), in various lands, but for good modest flirting, commend me to my own is not more worthy of his Royal Highness's attention than the sickly countrywomen. The ogles, the glances, the blandishments that that compositions of MISS ANGELICA WIGGLES, who, it is said, received young ro-, I mean that his Royal Highness, has bestowed upon him his Royal Highness in a blue flannel robe, with her hair falling all are astonishing. I could not help comparing his lot with mine-about round her head in the cause of picturesqueness and genius-ship. good looks I say nothing-vanity never was one of my failings, and "I merely put these questions parenthetically to you as a man and a besides I may have injured my complexion since my school days by brother, without wishing to prejudice you for a single moment, and, that odious practice of smoking, to which, on purely sanitory grounds, apologising for the digression, resume my pen. I have been compelled to have recourse, but this I will say, that at "The Carnival was a most brilliant one this year. The youthful his Royal Highness's age, I was a good three-quarters of an inch taller Baron was accommodated in a balcony half-way down the Corso, and than he (in fact, I have not added to my stature except in the way of entered into the sports with enviable enthusiasm. I myself had the double soles since that period), and I am blessed if ever I met with honour to receive a box of confetti from the Royal hands, and a bunch such good auspices under a British damsel's bonnet. of violets from COLONEL BR-CE, who stood by his Royal Highness with praiseworthy perseverance, and supported him throughout this trying occasion.

"As I passed by the Iles Brittaniques the other day, with SLASHER of the Heavies, nothing would satisfy the honest Captain but adding his autograph to those of the Prince's other humble servants. As we "To the Romans-of whom every other man is a Count-and not stood in the porter's lodge where this famous register is kept, and one of whom, possessed of £50 per annum, thinks of degrading himself while SLASHER was deliberating whether he should subjoin the address by doing anything useful during the term of his natural life; to these of his Town residence in Jermyn Street as well as that of his Hotel in gentlemen, I say, the simplicity of his Royal Highness's manner and Rome to his signature, what should I see lying on the table but the mode of living is incomprehensible. That the Principe di Gallia bill of fare for his Royal Highness's dinner! Yes, there were the proprio d'Inghilterra!' they incredulously exclaim, as they see him dishes written out at full length in a fair round hand: Potage à la laughing in his blouse and wideawake. What! the Heir Apparent Julienne-Bistecca-Plombuden, and other national delicacies. Here to the throne of Gran Brittagna in a carriage unadorned by a crest-is a subject for moralising. Actually plum pudding and beefsteak— without even a livery servant-impossible! They cannot understand could you have supposed it possible? Shouldn't you have thought that he is come abroad, like any other young English gentleman, to that Royalty only feasted on Ambrosia? Death, my dear Punch, is a read with his tutor, and see Rome in a quiet way, and they refuse to great leveller, so is Love, so is Hunger. Isn't it a satire on the believe in a Prince unless they see him blazing in uniform and a coach vanity of all human greatness? Don't you draw a moral from the tureen? You and I have been hungry sometimes like this youthful "It is pleasing to observe the beneficial effect which his Royal Colonel of the Coldstreams, and have eaten our steak and drunk our Highness's presence has had upon the feminine portion of the English modest pint. Yes, princes and peasants we must all eat occasionally. congregation here. No shirking the Morning Service now. No That you and I, dear Punch, may never want a dinner, is the earnest slinking in between the Lessons. No, my dear Punch, at a quarter wish of your faithful correspondent. Let me conclude in the words of past ten every morning the church is nearly full, and there the dear the immortal CICEROcreatures sit for three-quarters of an hour criticising each other's dresses, having first rushed to fill all the available space round the pulpit-I would fain add, for the purpose of hearing the sermon better

and six.

"Hanc epistolam cur non scindi velim, causa nulla est- "

"Vale! JACK EASEL."

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A PUFF FOR WEBSTER. THE EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH, in his persevering resolve to Imitate his Uncle, now takes the command of the army of Italy. We hear that he has offered MR. BENJAMIN WEBSTER the most magnificent terms to accompany him, and daily exhibit, for his Majesty's instruction, MR. WEBSTER'S admirable Impersonation of NAPOLEON THE FIRST, as given in the Pretty Girls of Stilberg. Moreover, we are apprised that the offer has been respectfully declined, whereat we are glad; first, because we prefer to retain one of our best actors, and secondly, because he might perhaps be less useful than is expected. We doubt whether his repertoire contains a sketch of NAPOLEON THE FIRST, as he would have appeared if he had happened to have to cut away like one o'clock with the victorious Austrians thundering in his rear, a highly possible situation for NAPOLEON THE THIRD.

English Gallantry.

WHO says we are not a gallant nation? Take a public dinner, for instance. Doesn't the "QUEEN" always take the lead, or isn't it always wound up with "the Ladies ?"

THE PURCHASE SYSTEM.

MEN only purchase such things as they want, but women frequently purchase things they do not want, and apparently for no other purpose than the mere pleasure of purchasing.

DOMESTIC PARALLELS.

MOTHERS-IN-LAW, like cats, show a great attachment to the houses they inhabit, without GRATITUDE.-The man who has been favoured with a kick, perhaps does feel, in the caring much for the persons who inhabit presence of the man who has administered it, "a lively sense of favours to come." them.

U*

A MYSTERY SOLVED!

We have no doubt that many of our readers, in common with ourselves, have been puzzled to divine the object of the singular-looking circular structure at the south-east corner of St. Paul's Churchyard. A close inspection of its arrangements, however, has enabled us to assign to it an employment, for which its approximation to the plans on which zoological architecture is based most admirably adapts it,

ON THE OCCASION OF THE NEXT ELECTION FOR THE GOVERNORSHIP OF A CITY GAOL.

SIMPLE TALK FROM WASHINGTON.

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Most readers of the newspapers are informed as to the details of case of recent occurrence in America, in which the name of SICKLES is most prominent. Into those details Mr. Punch has no intention of going. But he desires to lay before his friends the following extracts from the opening speech of the counsel for the prosecution. Imagine SERJEANT BALLANTINE or SERJEANT PARRY thus introducing a culprit to a jury:

"It was the Sabbath, a day which for more than 1800 years has been set apart in commemoration of the Divine mission which brought Peace on earth and good will to man. In the soft gush of that Sabbath sunlight, at an hour between the morning and evening Christian sacrifice, at the time almost when the sound of the church bells was lingering in the air, the deceased, all unconscious of the tremendous woe which then stood suspended over his house, met the prisoner at the bar in a public thoroughfare of this city."

In the course of the speech, MR. DISTRICT-ATTORNEY OULD proceeded in the following practical language to explain to the jury the character of the law against murder :

The great, grand, and old foundations of the common law with respect to this offence, instead of being impaired, have been strengthened by time. Springing like an arch over the vast chasm of the remote past and the present, they have become stronger by the pressure of centuries. The maxims of the common law relating to the crime of murder are based on common sense and common justice. However technical that common law may be in other respects, here it deals alone with fact. All its features are essentially humane. The features of these great old masters, even our rough ancestors, as portrayed to us in the light of their own maxims, are reflected to us as living actual men, like unto ourselves These principle. owe their entire strength, and I may say also their veracity, to their humanity, not a maudlin, sickly sentimentality humanity, but one that is God-fearing, and to men loving; and while thus they allow a sufficient toleration of the weakness of our common nature, they form, as it were, at the same time, the very pedestal upon which rests the sublime figure of public justice."

Finally, he expounded to the jury its duty :

"If, however, gentlemen, the defence be legal, and proved to your satisfaction, let the prisoner go free-free as the winds of Heaven. If, however, on the other hand, it be not legal-if it receives not the sanction of the law, or, being legal, it be not proved. I charge you, gentlemen of the jury, by the duty you owe to yourselves, your God and your country, to smite the red hand of violence everywhere by your verdict, and proclaim to the four quarters of the now listening world, there is yet virtue left to jury, no matter how high the position, or how lofty the pretensions of the offender."

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EQUITY TAILORS. Two ingenious tailors in Holborn, near Chancery-lane, proclaim

THE NEW CHANCERY SUIT,

50s. complete; or the coat. 268; waistcoat, 88.; trousers, 16s. This famous suit, noted for durability, style, and moderate price, is made to order.

This is a modest pair of tailors. "Noted for durability" is a very mild commendation of a Chancery suit. "Warranted to last for ever will, by most people, be thought not too much to say. But these are, perhaps, truthful tailors, and, having an eye to late reforms of the law, think it as well to speak within bounds, and describe the New Chancery Suit, with a due distinction from the Old, as merely "noted for durability." In this we recognise a conscientiousness which encourages us to hope that this costume really has, and deserves, a reputation for style also, as well as for comparative cheap

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ness.

Parliamentary Minutes.

THAT idle Clock at Westminster, which may well hold its hands before its face for very shame, has cost the nation the pretty little sum of £22,057. We never knew a richer illustration of the homely truth, which is always being dinned in our ears, that TIME IS MONEY!

DUMB BELLS.-The most perfect specimen of dumb-bells in the world are those suspended in the Westminster Clock.

Mr. Punch does not presume to offer any remark upon the stupendous eloquence of MR. DISTRICT-ATTORNEY OULD. But as soon as the criticism on the speech. It is from the pen of the Washington reader has recovered breath he is requested to peruse the following Correspondent of the New York Tribune, and is written in all shrewdness and gravity:

impression upon any one by the speech with which he opened to the jury the most important case which he will probably ever be required to try. Its chief merits were brevity and freedom from rhetorical faults. It was direct, simple, and clear, and a pretty little speech." may be well described in another's words as In the immortal name of NAT LEE and the Bedlam tragedy, what is the American standard of oratory? We thought the above rather tall talking, anyhow. But no, Sir.

"I do not think that MR. DISTRICT-ATTORNEY OULD made a very favourable

A LIBEL ON THE SEX.

A NEW Statue of Venus has been discovered at Rome. Artists are enthusiastic in their praises of its wonderful beauty. It is said that the nose of the celebrated Venus de' Medicis has been completely put out of joint ever since the discovery. We confess, we place but small faith in its pretended perfection; and we are sure that ladies will agree with us, when we tell them that there are no marks on the statue to lead us to the belief that it had been in the habit of wearing stays, nor was the smallest remnant of crinoline found near the spot where this mock Venus had been for so many years hiding its charms. It is a violence to all one's notions of ideal beauty to conceive female perfection in the absence of both stays and crinoline! We denounce this Vaunted Venus as an impudent impostor.

Latest Election Intelligence.

AT the close of the Finsbury Poll,-PETO and DUNCOMBE being in an enormous majority, and MR. Cox, the resident and tried Candidate, being nowhere,-Mr. Punch ascended the Islington hustings, and, with tears in his eyes, spoke as follows:"Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-" [Left crying.

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THIS, the most important of all the elections, took place on Wed-| nesday last, at Mr. Punch's own residence, 85, Fleet Street. The proceedings were strictly private, no person whomsoever being allowed to be present except the honourable candidate himself.

Precisely at twelve o'clock Mr. Punch entered his reception room, and shut the door. Falling in an easy but graceful attitude into his arm-chair, and lighting his matutinal cigar, the honourable gentleman opened the proceedings of the day by remarking that the east wind was becoming personally offensive. He then addressed himself as follows:

No other Candidate presuming to show himself, Mr. Punch declared himself duly elected for Everywhere.

Mr. Punch returned thanks to himself in a brief speech, in which he pledged himself to exercise over everything the same vigilance which had previously marked his marvellous career, and to wield the same unhesitating bludgeon which one moment smashed the crown on the head of a tyrannic Emperor, and the next instant came whack on the sconce of an idiotic Alderman. As to binding himself to any particular line of conduct, he would see himself blowed first, but he should always, he hoped, be perfectly prepared to walk into anybody who might question his behaviour.

Mr. Punch then moved and seconded a vote of thanks to himself, for his impartial conduct in the chair, and having carried this unanimously, he made the usual elegant acknowledgment, and the proceedings terminated.

SIR. I have the honour to propose you as Member for Everywhere. It is unnecessary for me to dilate upon the inconceivable services which you have rendered to your QUEEN and country. Suffice it to say, though the terms are painfully inadequate to the occasion, that you are the greatest public benefactor the world has ever known, and that without you the nation would be utterly ruined, the Constitution We may add in reference to the prospects of the Government and subverted, and MR. MACAULAY'S New Zealander already sketching Opposition, that this most important election leaves the relative numbers the ruins of St. Paul's. of Parliament as follows:

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Brute!' was made, in his death-gasp, by the assassinated REGULUS who fell upon his helmet in the thirty-second round, and expired exclaiming, Feni! vidi! vici!""

Happie, happie, happie Payre!

Aun butte Braive desserve; Fayre."

"ALEXANDER THE GREAT (who was complimentarily called so by his courtiers, being, in reality, of a somewhat dwarfish stature) succeeded to the throne of Troy upon the death of CLEOPATRA, the mother of his wife. His coronation was attended with more than usual pomp, WIDDICOMB THE FIRST being master of the ceremonies. Under the system of one RARI, a trainer of the period, the king was quite successful in taming the White Horse, and drove him in his curricle to the Augean stables, where he was put up. On the same day, the king sat down to a lunch of lampreys, at which, to please QUEEN HELEN, he dissolved his finest pearl in a butt of Malmsbury. It was during his reign that the declaration of independence was signed by the Athenians, and the colony of Macedonia received a constitution at the hands of NERO, and was enrolled by WILLIAM PENN among the Free Trade States."

"THE long-vexed question, which has so disturbed historians, from HOMER and HERODOTUS up to JOSEPH HUME and FLETCHER, as to who dragged whom round the walls of what, has been set at rest by the researches of WILLIAMS, 'the divine,' an antiquarian of Lambeth. From a Chaldean MS. exhumed by this gentleman in his Nineveh exploration, which was undertaken in the hope of finding out the North-west Passage, and of discovering the Sauce of the Niger, the true facts of the case have been clearly brought to light. The truth is plainly patent to all who can decipher the Sanscrit hieroglyphics, that the dragsman in question was CESAR HELIOGABALUS; who, after the capture of Philippi from the Jews, harnessed to his drag the horses of KING DIOMED, and so 'dragged' the conquered HECTOR home to dine with CLYTEMNESTRA at her villa near Vesuvius."

"THE meeting at Philippi, to which CONGREVE was indebted for his drama of The Rivals, was a duel that took place B.C. 1654, between REGULUS THE NINETEENTH, champion of Christendom, and the heathen crusader, BRUTUS AFRICANUS. The meeting, as originally fixed, was arranged to have come off upon the plains of Pompeii; but as the Amazon queen DIDO had electrically telegraphed her strong wish to be present, and as there was then no railway from her palace to Pompeii, the valley of Philippi was appointed for the meet. It was on this occasion, saith ASSER the historian, that the expression Et tu

LAMENT BY A TRUE BLUE M.P.
(Touching the state of the Clock and the state of Parties.)

WHEN the Clock's hands they won't work,
And the Clock's wheels they won't play,
How are poor old boys in Westminster
To be up to the time o' day?

"Look at your private tickers,"
That's all very well to say;

What we want is something to set 'em by,
And tell us the time o' day.

Oh, our father's times were the good old times!
When, according as your lay

Was Tory or Whig, you'd a leader so big,

To show you the time o' day.

You'd no reasons to find, nor to make up your mind,
But by what PITT or Fox might say

You set your ticker-be it slower or quicker-
And that was the time o' day.

Like a tall clock-tower that tells the hour,
To the town miles and miles away,
Those leaders so great, in matters of state,
Gave small folks the time o' day.

But in these wild times men scorn tower-chimes,
For what their own fobs may say;

Big leaders are dumb, and the big Clock's mum,
And none gives us the time o' day.

Well-a watch of your own, and a mind of your own,
Are very good things in their way,

But I've no watch to wind up, and I can't make my mind up--
And I don't know the time o' day.

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THE Dublin Packet says that the following handbill has been extersively circulated. The document is so perfectly unique, that we give it entire. It would be an act of Vandalism to chip it, or in any way mutilate it. Here it is, in all its unprofaned beauty:

ST. PETER'S CATHOLIC CHURCH, PHIBSBOROUGH.

"A proposal having been made to provide a Clock for the tower of this Church on very advantageous terms, the clergymen have availed themselves of it. The new Clock will strike for the first time at twelve o'clock noon, on Sunday, the 1st day of May, 1859. The congregation are requested to be in attendance, in order to celebrate the event by their presence in front of the Church; and, at the first stroke of the Clock, they will make the sign of the Cross, the men uncovering their heads for the purpose. In order to save the building fund the expense of the Clock, a special collection will be made on the occasion, every person giving whatever his own piety will suggest, be it only the widow's mite; and it is even respectfully suggested that parents will put something into the hands of their children to offer, so that, ever afterwards as they will look up to the Clock, they may have the pious gratification of remembering not only that they had heard its first sound, but that they had some share in its erection.-THOS. MNAMARA, Administrator.

Ar a preliminary meeting of the electors of Old Rottenborough, the Government Candidate was asked to state what his opinions were. "My opinions!" he replied, giving his breast (pocket) a significant sly slap, "The only 'opinions' which I think of winning your votes with are 'golden' ones."

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THE TWO NAPOLEONS.-There is but one step from the Sublime to the Ridiculous.

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