THE ARMSTRONG INSECTICIDE. HERE lived once-and may still live-in the New Road, a professional gentleman, who wrote himself up, Bug-Destroyer to HER MAJESTY." SIR WILLIAM ARMSTRONG reminds us of this gentleman, and in so saying we mean highly to compliment SIR WILLIAM ARMSTRONG. The resemblance, which at first sight may not be seen, will appear striking on the consideration of a few particulars mentioned by the inventor of the Armstrong Gun, at a banquet lately given to him at Newcastle-on-Tyne. In replying to the toast of his health, he took occasion to describe, inas far as he thought proper, the construction and capabilities of the piece of ordnance called by his name, on the principle of which he stated that a 32-pounder had already been made; and expressed the pleasing expecta tion that 70-pounders, and After explaining the mecha 100-pounders as well, would soon be made also, with a view to pounding any enemies who nay trouble us to subject them to that process by assailing us. nism which rendered the cannon manageable, he proceeded to give some account of the beautiful projectile of cast-iron coated with lead, which will be propelled against aggressors from its rifled interior. The ensuing extract from his speech conveys a pretty idea of this interesting missile: "The projectile for field service, admits of being used as solid shot, shell, or common case. It is composed of separate pieces, so compactly bound together, that it has been fired through a mass of oak timber nine feet in thickness without sustaining fracture. When used as a shell it divides into 49 regular pieces, and about 100 irregular pieces. It combines the principle of the shrapnell and percussion shell, i. e., it may be made to explode either as it approaches the object or strikes it. Amongst friends it is so safe that it may be thrown off the top of a house without exploding, but amongst enemies it is so sensitive and mischievous that it bursts with a touch. The reason is, that the shock it receives in the gun puts the percussion arrangement, as it were, from half cock to full cock, and it then becomes so delicate that it will burst by striking a bag of shavings, as has been proved at Shoeburyness. Moreover it may be made to explode at the instant of leaving the gun, in which case the pieces spread out like a fan, and produce the usual effect of grape or canister. In short, it may be made to explode either at very long or very short distances, and either by impact or by the action of the time-fuse, and wherever it bursts it operates like grape-shot." Already it will be apparent that this excellent invention is admirably calculated for the destruction of those foreign vermin of which a cloud, with their present means of locomotion, might attempt to make a descent on our coasts. A few other facts related in connection with it by the inventor may be cited, to render this point the plainer. For example: "Two targets, each of nine feet square, were placed at a distance of 1500 yards from the gun, and seven shells were fired at them. Now the effect of these seven shells was that the two targets were struck in 596 places. Similar effects were on other occasions produced at distances extending to 3000 yards; so I leave you to judge what would be the effect of these shells in making an enemy keep his distance." Then, with a view to more wholesale extermination: "For breaching purposes, or for blowing up buildings, or for ripping a hole in the side of a ship, a different construction of shell is adopted. The shell is caused to explode at the instant of passing through the timber, and the smaller the hole made by penetration the more confined will be the explosion, and the greater the shattering effect produced." The certainty of the destroyer is such that : "At a distance of 600 yards, an object no larger than the muzzle of an enemy's gun may be struck at almost every shot. At 3000 yards a target of nine feet square, which at that distance looks like a mere speck, has on a calm day been struck five times in ten shots. A ship would afford a target large enough to be hit at much longer distances, and shells may be thrown into a town or fortress at a range of more than five miles." At a moderate range, the Armstrong Gun, with its projectile, would probably hit a common flea, if the gunner could see the insect, and it were desirable to smash so small a nuisance with such a mass of material, which would be too much like breaking a butterfly on the wheel. But a good shot, anyhow, could make sure of the larger creature which may be called the Glory-bug, and destroy it, in the event of its approach to these shores, either singly or in swarms,-singly, in case of the appearance of any Big-bug, or vermin-leader, on the poop, for instance, of a vessel; in swarms, by sending the Armstrong Insecticide among the troops of Glory-bugs aloft, on deck, or between decks, especially in the latter situation. Two cannot play at this game on equal terms, if one side consists of aggressive Bugs of Glory, and the other of superior beings whom those vermin seek to infest. The Bugs must come in swarms, and expose themselves to wholesale destruction by a few hands. And if ever we descend to the level of such insects, and attempt, for the sake of glory, or prey, to attack our fellow-creatures, we shall deserve to fight them upon an equality, and be smashed. In the mean time, let us wish success to SIR WILLIAM ARMSTRONG in a general way, and particularly in those experimental researches which he is pursuing with a view of rendering his Queen and country the greatest possible amount of service in the office of, as we take the liberty to say, Bug Destroyer to HER MAJESTY and HER MAJESTY's subjects. THE FINGER-POST FOR LOUIS LOUIS NAPOLEON-what a game Thou wilt but have to keep the word And rid her from her yoke. That done, thy sword if thou wilt sheathe, But if thou take that meaner line To low ambition-not divine- More land, more slaves thy highest prize A race whose every man will rise, To guard his household gods. Then, shouldst thou lose enough to know The world will not again An age of anguish undergo For nothing; to the vanquished woe! 'Twere odious to explain. No more of that. Too wise thou art THE HUM OF DRONES. M. ABOUT, in the capacity of LOUIS NAPOLEON'S Commissioner in the Papal States, asked a Roman ecclesiastic how it was that the country was so badly cultivated. To this question the holy man thus answered: "The country is not uncultivated, or if it is uncultivated, the fault lies not with the POPE or the Cardinals, or their Government, but with the people. The people are a lazy set of fellows, and sluggish by nature, although twenty-one thousand four hundred and fifteen monks are perpetually preaching to them the virtues of industry and labour." If too many cooks spoil the broth, we may conceive that the preaching of industry to the population of the Roman States by upwards of 21,000 monks may be rather overdone. The virtues of industry and labour might perhaps be effectually inculcated by a few working clergymen; but the example may have more weight than the precept of an enormous multitude of idle friars. Scene at a Horse-Eating Restaurant. Customer. You say you have got no filly and asparagus? Why I see it entered here. Sporting Waiter. It's a mistake, Sir. It's true the filly was entered, Sir; but it was scratched this morning. DEAR BROTHER, Fred. "WELL, I DON'T KNOW, EXACTLY-BUT ROBERT THINKS HE IS ABOUT FOURTEEN YEARS!" A SERIOUS HOAX. To the Editor of the Record. REASONS FOR SUPPORTING LORD DERBY'S GOVERNMENT. THE following information, derived from the Great Babylon BY A GENTLEMAN WHO GLORIES IN THE FACT OF HAVING DONE SO. by Submarine and British Telegraph, needs, and is, I fear, unlikely to receive, confirmation : "Ancona has been declared in a state of siege. "The light in the lighthouse at the entrance of the harbour has been extinguished. "The POPE has protested." May we, can we, believe the flattering intelligence which declares the Roman Pontiff to have protested against the extinction of light? Can we entertain the fond idea that the POPE has become a Protestant? Alas! I am afraid not. I apprehend that the triple-crowned apostate is too deeply enamoured of the darkness of error to object to the extinction of any light but that of one of the wax-candles of his own idolatry. Would, indeed, that we could welcome to our bosoms, as a dove the report which we are constrained to reject in the too palpable form of a canard, or duck! Would that we were enabled to hail with the shout of gladness the news which we are compelled to dismiss with the cry of WALKER! Affectionately yours, PUNCH. P.S. Happily, it is not true that the PRINCE OF WALES dined wholly on salmon last Friday. The Latest Fashion in Moustaches. Young Pall Mall (from underneath a long towel). My moustache is getting too loud a red. I say, my man, I think I will have it dyed. Young Truefitt (deeply hurt, and starting back with horror). Dyed, Sir! Impossible! You must not think of such a thing. I can assure you, my dear Sir, on my honour, that in the way of moustaches, there are nothing but reds and browns worn just now! IF I knew a man who for DERBY would vote, You're supporting a man, who in 'Fifty-Nine To LORD DERBY, then, while you give support, A DROP FOR THE POPE.-Between two seats of war, PIO NONO may fall to the ground. with its mud? He himself is so convinced that HODGSON is right, that, by way of supporting that gentleman's arguments by example, from a novel with which he has been retained, at the sum of £1,000 per Mr. Punch will somewhat prematurely give to the world an extract week, to entrance the world, through the columns of a penny journal of fiction. For the purposes of the story, it has been necessary to describe the home of one of the drivers of those vehicles which inhabitants of the metropolis may engage at a limited stipend, calcu lated on the lapse of time or the conquest of distance; and this conversation, framed on the Hodgsonian principle, takes place : well worn instrument wherewith he was accustomed to stimulate to "Depositing upon the couch, with some irritation of manner, the rapidity the energies of his reluctant quadruped, WILLIAM the Omnivorous (coarsely called among his equals Gluttony Bill) demanded the mid-day repast. "Exacerbation 'might have been detected in the tone in which the feminine partner of his life and cares apprised him that his demand was premature. "You are not more deficient than myself, WILLIAM,' she said, 'in the power of ascertaining, by a glance at the dial, how far the day has advanced; and that consultation will show you that fifteen minutes have yet to elapse before the sun is at its meridian, the appointed hour of banquet.' "What I now require, SARAH,' responded the omnivorous one, 'is, not a statement from your lips, but viands to pass between my own.' "And may I ask,' returned the undaunted Sarah, 'whether it be your desire to receive what you wish for at the present moment, or to delay until the same be placed before you ?' "I would not have you unmindful,' said her stern lord, 'that unguarded language on your part has, at no more distant date than the recently passed evening, eventuated in manual remonstrance on mine, and that what has once occurred is capable of repetition.' "There is no need to apprise me,' replied MRS. WILLIAM, 'that the vice which the ancient Spartans deemed more disgraceful than any other (need I name cowardice) is not without its antetype under this roof; but I may add that, upon the present occasion, the ironmonger's art has furnished me with a means of defence, with which your phrenological developments will, upon provocation, become unfavourably connected.' The stern man smiled. OUR excellent old friend, the Standard, whose youth is renewed like a beadle's, shares, with the rest of the Penny Press, the provincial fault of admitting quantities of correspondence of the most anile and twaddling kind. Like children, our Penny friends are proud of receiving a letter, no matter what is in it; and the correspondents of the Cheap Press are, generally speaking, awful Pumps. But there are occasional exceptions, and in the Standard, the other day, there appeared a letter, signed J. C. HODGSON, 13, Durham Street, Scarborough, which seems to us to demand the most respectful attention. It is headed, "A Hint to our Novel Writers," and is an amiable protest against the practice pursued by certain writers of fiction, in making the uneducated personages of their stories talk as uneducated "In the cot, as in the palace, woman's heart ever vibrates to the personages do, instead of elevating their diction into purity and words of kindness, even as the Eolian harp whispers sweetness to the elegance. Our friend (for Mr. Punch, who is always improving every-kiss of the wandering wind of heaven. In a moment she was sobbing body, is the ex officio friend of all philanthropists) must be permitted to on his manly bosom. speak in his own delicate way : "Courage,' he said, 'commands my regard; and I should state that which is irreconcileable with truth, did I deny that you, SARAH, are, fundamentally, a favourable specimen of the genus woman.' "But their happiness was as brief as the life of a dew-drop on the "Sir,-Allow me in your judiciously Conservative and valuable paper, to call the spangled spray, for the next instant an outcry as of pain was heard, attention of those novel writers who wish to improve the public taste, and inculcate and the faithful Tilburina, the feline guardian of the household (playa pure and undefiled mode of speaking in conversation, to the mistaken views they fully christened Tib' by the abbreviating fondness of its infantine entertain as to the way of accomplishing this. Let me in all respect tell those gen-members) sprung with a bound from her resting-place, hissing and tlemen, that representing the language as it is commonly spoken among the poorer and uneducated classes is not the most happy way. It may show considerable spitting as vehemently as the contents of the domestic utensil left by ingenuity on the part of the author, but it also shows bad taste, and can only assist the affectionate wife to its fate, while she sought her rest on the to keep the illiterate and inelegant talker illiterate and inelegant still, by adminis- heart of her husband. tering no corrective, flattering his foibles of speech, and leaving him in the mire of his ignorance and lingual imperfection, instead of transmuting the vile elements that debase his tongue into good matter, that may minister unto edification and wisdom, by presenting to his lips the pure and invigorating waters of a refined and graceful diction." Surely nothing can be more truly elegant than this passage, and its logic must carry conviction to every right-minded writer. Whybut we despair to improve upon the censor: 06 Why not, unlike the author of Adam Bede and many beside him, put such language as ought to be spoken into the mouths of characters, whose conversation is naturally barbarous and defective, instead of depicting it in all its hideousness and deformity to the detriment of every reader, whether educated or not-the former it imperceptibly leavens, the latter it saturates? Better Grandisonian elegance than pre-Raphaelite' barbarity! Better a work of pure ideality than a faithful portrait of the times, a corrupt photographic reality, with all its tattered and many habiliments hanging about it-a scarecrow to humanity!" After a little additional touching expostulation to the same effect, our friend HODGSON bestows a kick upon Sam Slick and Sam Weller, and remarks that their style is calculated "to propagate and perpetuate a lingual and moral darkness that may be felt." By a darkness that may be "felt," he does not mean a black hat, but an Egyptian obscurity. And he adds, that even if the editor of the Standard "demurs to the severity" of this criticism, HODGSON trusts that "insertion will not be refused." Insertion, we are happy to say, was not refused. Mr. Punch,-who is the soul of euphuism and elegance, and who has never from the first day of his birth to the present hour ever set one of his diamonds of thoughts except in the purest gold of words,can have no kind of objection to the doctrine propounded by his friend HODGSON. Why should we not all be polite and graceful? Why should we smear our pages with the talk of the streets any more than 666 May my place in a future state of existence be other than Paradisaical,' said he, with a smile, if those condemned Hibernian roots are not escaping from ebullition." " And so on. Mr. Punch has strong thoughts of dedicating his novel to MR. HODGSON, of Scarborough. ENTERTAINMENT IN HIGH LIFE. THE Right Honourable SIR JOHN PAKINGTON, M.P., and the First Course-Of a Pretty Kettle of Fish of the Honourable Baronet's own catching, in the Eamont, near Carlisle. Removed by Humble Pie, and followed by entrées of the Right Honourable Baronet's own words, which were eaten with that hearty appetite which the Honourable Baronet never fails to bring to this, his favourite, dish. PROMISE FEEDING. MR. DISRAELI displays his usual ability in feeding the hop-planters of Kent, and other distressed districts, with a liberal prodigality of promises. They always are to be blest, but somehow never are. Next year the duty shall be repealed, or at least some of it; but next year, like to-morrow, never comes. Their case is always to be "taken into consideration," and we all know the meaning of such a Government phrase. Things to be taken, in a public office, into consideration, invariably remain under consideration." That is the only conideration ever paid to them. The poor hopplanters believe in this flowery sustenance, and come up to Downing Street regularly once a year to be fed. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER feeds them with a tender and bountiful hand, and knows exactly how to fill their hearts, if not their stomachs, or their pockets. It is a species of spoon-meat, for which the hungry agriculturists evince a hearty appetite; they relish the food,-thinner than any workhouse gruel,-and, like young Oliver, are always" asking for more." MR. DISRAELI, in his art, is a most cunning nurse, a perfect witch in his way; for he understands, in the Macbeth sense, how to keep, with each deputation, "the promise to the ear" of these gaping gentlemen, and how, as unfailingly, to break it to the hop." Many a True Word Spoken in Jest. Child. Papa, why does Parliament generally meet in the evening? Papa. Because, my child, most of their Acts Cad. "Go along with you. It warn't me a-hollerin'." [Jones tacet for the rest of the journey. I won't bear the daylight. IS COAL A CONTRABAND OF WAR? WE hardly know how to answer the above question. What says Coke upon Littleton? The point in dispute had better be referred to a committee of Carbonari, who, we recommend, had better sit upon it. For ourselves, we cannot help thinking, if a country is in flames, that coal ought to be looked upon as a decided contraband of war, only tending to increase the fire of discord raging there-and more especially in a country like Italy, where there are so many Italian irons to stir up the fire. Perhaps it may all depend upon whether the coals are hot or cold. We fancy, if we were pelted with hot coals, that they would warm us to that degree that it would be philosophically impossible for us to keep cool, and that war would very probably ensue. In lodging-houses, where there is but one coal-cellar, we have known several fierce wars to smoulder out of the coals, until the landlady has been obliged, in self-defence, to treat them as though they were contraband, and has made a practice of regularly confiscating as much as she could out of every chaldron that came into her house. Again: we have witnessed several painful émeutes of a most fiery nature arise out of the fact of a husband amusing himself all the evening in poking the fire when there was not the slightest necessity for it. The poor wife has borne this as long as she could, and with a degree of patience such as wives only can exhibit, until, her tongue breaking out at last into an explosive flame, she has carried off the poker, and hidden it somewhere in the hall. Declarations of war have likewise been recorded when a gentleman has taken the liberty of poking the fire before he has known the family the requisite period of seven years. In all these cases it would have been better to have treated coal as a contraband of war; for it is clear, if the coal had never been introduced into the establishment, the disturbance never would have taken place, and the war never would have broken out. Moreover, when we know that coal cannot enter a gentleman's establishment without going through the noisy process of shooting, and never rests quiet until it has left all over the house undoubted marks of the sack it has introduced into it, practices of shooting and sacking in which it is only equalled by an infuriated soldiery,-we should be inclined to look at coal several times before we declared that it did not contain within it several of the elements of war,-such as fire, smoke, and ashes. If not war itself, it is certainly the fuel of war, and in that light should be considered a contraband that every one is justified in excluding from his house during the dog days, or any other period that the place is quite hot enough without it. Austria's party, note, Got every papist's vote, Which way the cat will jump know by that omen, Fight for the Empire that's called Holy Roman. Vote, vote, soldiers and subsidy, Mind to enslave and maintain superstition, Winking Madonnas, Concordats, and monkery, Pay PETER'S Pence to prop Rome's Inquisition. Austria's whip to crack Still upon woman's back, Bleeding from every vein, All at the cost of unbounded taxation! THE RULE OF THREE. MONSIEUR GUIZOT has nearly ready for the press a book with the title of Trois Rois; Trois Peuples; Trois Siècles. As the division of the subject would of itself imply, the work is dedicated to that great historian of Troy (in partnership with one HOMER), the RIGHT HON. W. E. GLADSTONE. AT ALDERSHOT-A RATHER DIFFICULT MANOEUVRE. CLARA AND HARRIET, AND THE TWO NICE GIRLS WHO ARE STAYING WITH THEM, LED BY MAMMA, GET INTO COUSIN HERBERT'S HUT, AND HAVE LUNCH. "THE FOUNTAIN OF (DIS)-HONOUR." IN reference to the course pursued by them at the elections, it has said by a contemporary, that Government have made their flow like water." Now, albeit this is a popular expression, we quite agree that it in this case is a fitting one. That a golden rrent flowed from the Carlton we don't doubt, but there was little of aqueous in this metallic currency. Water is not suitable to be ompared to money; for water is a purifier, and money, when it flows election-time, is not. One may wash one's hands, and cleanse onelf in water; but the Pactolus stream which flowed from the oofers of the Carlton must have dirtied all the hands which were allowed to dip in it. To coin a spurious quotation, Nihil tetigit quod dishonoravit. The fountain of dishonour has dishonoured all who touched it. The remark that such a current "flowed like water" is true, and we therefore think it proper to prevent its further curcy. It would be more correct to say, that Government have lately their money flow like beer, for it was more in that shape it has erally been swallowed. As for likening to water-to purifying Water-the money which is used for a corrupting influence, the only er which such filthy lucre can be likened to is the water of the Thames-and even that is hardly black enough. "Home without Boots, and in Foul Weather too!" THE Austrian soldiers have suffered so much in shoe-leather, owing to the muddy state of their Piedmontese field of operations, that it is no wonder their inroad should have proved perfectly bootless. But if the troops have lost the greater part of their boots, they have carried off no end of booty to make up for it. A MINISTERIAL QUESTION.-If "there is a skeleton in every House," we should like to know how many there are in every Cabinet ? THESE THINGS ARE AN ALLEGORY. WE read the following in a North country paper : "CURIOUS STORY OF A CAT.-In the village of Tottington, near Bury, at the house of MR. ADAM BROOKS, sexton, may be witnessed a curious instance of feline attachment. A cat, which has a kitten three weeks old, about a week ago caught a mouse, but instead of devouring the little creature, according to the old-established custom, she brought it to the.kitten, and they are all living together on the most affectionate terms. Puss evinces an extraordinary affection for it, and appears disconsolate should the mouse be out of her sight. It is delightful to witness the fearlessness with which the mouse trusts itself in the hands of its natural enemy, nestling itself for hours in its breast, running up and down its body, and evincing the most unbounded confidence in its new friend; whilst the cat, if possible, lavishes greater attention on it than on its own offspring. Hundreds go daily to witness this curious exhibition, and go away surprised and delighted." of an anecdote. What can be plainer? Surely the Editor in palming off an allegory upon us under the guise The Mouse is Italy. The Cat is LOUIS NAPOLEON. The Kitten is VICTOR EMMANUEL. Nothing can exceed the attachment of Cat and Kitten to Mouseyso farBut wait till Puss is hungry. Rather Fishy! LORD PUNCH has his own authority for stating, there is no truth in the rumour which has recently been current, that in the next batch of peers created by LORD DERBY will be found no less a personage than the Talking Fish; who (it has been whispered) will be soon raised to the Peerage, under the fit title of LORD SAY AND SEAL! CONTRABAND OF WAR. AMONG the supplies laid in for his Italian Campaign by Louis NAPOLEON may be enumerated Naples soap, Roman Punch (on the head) and Sardines in pickle-all in great quantities. |