NOT A BAD NOTION.

FOOD WITHOUT FILTH.

THE Court of Probate and Divorce affords a deliverance to injured husbands; but as yet there exists no remedy against a wrong of a nature analogous to theirs, affecting the single as well as the married, and both sexes alike. Paterfamilias, therefore, will have been delighted at reading the following announcement in the Times:

ADULTERATION OF FOOD.-MR. SCHOLEFIELD, M.P., has revived his bill for preventing the adulteration of articles of food and drink. Analysts will be appointed by vestries, district boards, and town councils; and tradesmen, duly convicted of the crime of corrupting the food of their fellow men, will be heavily fined, and branded as adulterators, at their own expense, in the public newspapers. Scotland and Ireland are not to enjoy the advantage of this beneficent law."

We hope that, having revived his Bill, the Hon. Member will be enabled to maintain its vitality, so that, arriving at adult life, it shall not, as an immature and infant measure, be included in the annual Massacre of the Innocents, which, this Session, may be expected to be unusually severe. If the provisions of this contemplated measure are carried out, those which we are in the habit of consuming will be divested of much that is prejudicial, and of not a little that is poisonous. The rum of the British Public has been too long and too extensively watered; its brown sugar has been sanded to excess; its tobacco has been wetted without measure, and not without a vast increase of weight; and the humbugs by whose orders these iniquities have been perpetrated have gone on summoning their instruments to come up to prayers." Moral Scotland and Catholic Ireland are exempt from the operation of MR. SCHOLEFIELD'S Bill; as though its author considered that the limit of possibility would be reached by the enforcement of common honesty in England.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF LONDON.

Q. When in London, what do you call "Rotten Row ?" 4. Having a row on the Thames.

THE SCHOOLMASTER AT HOME.

THE "Apposition" of St. Paul's School (whatever it may be) was this year "honoured," we are told, "by the attendance of an audience at once highly classical, clerical, and select." Among the guests of the Head Master were no less than five Bishops, and we have no time to count how many minor Reverends, two of whom, we know not why, are called irreverently "posers." For the amusement of these dignitaries, or it may have been the reverse, certain "excerpta were recited from old and modern writers; including a scene from Love's Labour Lost, in which we are told

"MR. HOWARD was a droll Dull, MR. GARDINER a comical Costard, and MR. BENNETT a good Sir Nathaniel (Curates, by the way, are not knighted in these degenerate days)."

After this, for the further delectation of the Reverends, came a specimen

"Of the turgid declamation of that stilted declamation of grief, the tragedy of the Phanissa, doubtless dear to the ranters, if not the Roscii, of antiquity."

And to wind up the amusements, there was given a scene from the Persa of PLAUTUS; in which we are told that

"When Dordalus the pimp was beaten by the boy (Pagnium) with a hearty take that' kind of verberation, every one laughed aloud, perforce: the doleful perculit me prope" of MR. HOWARD was irresistible, and the boys in the rear of the room appeared highly delighted at this practical mode of conjugating the verb τύπτω.”

At the close of the speeches, we are told that the Head Master, at the request of the Bishops, announced the addition of an extra week's holiday, which gratifying statement was "received with the vociferous cheers of the boys present." After this announcement, which concluded the business that was done rotundo ore, the guests, we learn, retired to the house of the Head Master, where, the reporter states, an elegant refection was prepared for their refreshment."

66

This is very obviously the language of the schoolmaster. In the language of the school, they had " a jolly good

blow-out."

* In the report of the proceedings he is called the "high-master," but we see no cause for his being thus decapitated.

POLITICAL LOGIC.-Household Suffrage is a conclusion which follows from almost any premises.

A MANDAMUS TO MANAGERS.

MR. PUNCH has been often displeased by the omission, at the foot of advertisements of plays, particularly operas, of a statement of the time at which the performances commence. Many of Mr. Punch's readers are country gentlemen and ladies, to whom this deficiency is a vexatious nuisance. They are not, and do not know, and have no sympathies with, habitual listeners to the Traviata and things of that stamp, who know Opera hours better than Church hours; but they go to hear music, when there is occasionally any to be heard, and desire to make such dinner arrangements as will enable them to be in time to hear the overture. This they, of course cannot do, if they do not know when the performance begins. The assumption that everybody does know this is simply false, and the neglect based upon it, is a piece of affected flunkeyism. Mr. Punch must insist on the discontinuance of the snobbish reticence on which he has felt called upon to make the foregoing observations.

WIDE AWAKE AT WINCHESTER.

Southern District, the Morning Post says:-
COMMENTING on a Report by the Inspector of Prisons for the

certainly illegal; namely, that of depriving the prisoners of their sleep by keeping "Another species of punishment inflicted in the County Gaol at Winchester is them awake for several hours after their companions have retired to rest.

The Post detracts somewhat from the originality of this mode of ingeniously tormenting, by observing that it was one of the varieties of torture which used to be practised by the Inquisition. There certainly seems a rather ecclesiastical character about the barbarity in use at Winchester Gaol, and there is no lack of clergymen in the ancient and venerable city, to which that establishment appears to be a disgrace, but, as sound Protestants, they all of course abhor the Popish cruelty which forms part of Winchester prison discipline probably because there are no Hampshire parsons among the Visiting Justices.

THE DEAR LITTLE SPANISH HAT.

OH, SO CHARMING, AND SO MUCH MORE SENSIBLE THAN A HORRID BONNET!

Yes, on some people.-PUNCH.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. For the Week ending with the Anniversary of Waterloo. The Government of LORD DERBY having been demolished at two in the morning of Saturday, June 11th, LORD DERBY himself went to the Palace about half-past ten, to mention the fact to his Sovereign. It is due to the respected EARL to say, that he resigned without any show of wrath, and the sharpness with which he spoke to his valet, and the row that he made because his second-best hat was given him instead of his Sunday one, were entirely attributable to his dislike at having to get up at nine, when he had got to bed at three only. The QUEEN received him with her usual kindness, and in the course of the interview, during which she was, as usual, at work, she snipped off a tiny bit of blue ribbon from a cap HER MAJESTY was making for a squeaking-doll of PRINCESS BEATRICE'S, and presented the scrap to the EARL, saying with a smile: "There is more, my Lord Earl, where that comes from." This HER MAJESTY herself was graciously pleased to narrate to Mr. Punch, and therefore no Ministerial Peer can retort upon the EARL the charge he made on the following Friday against LORD GRANVILLE, of indiscreetly reporting what was said in the

Palace.

The QUEEN then, of course, sent for Mr. Punch, who, expecting the summons, sat ready dressed, and was with his Sovereign in a few minutes. What passed, Mr. Punch has obtained his QUEEN's permission to divulge, without which, sooner than let a syllable escape him, he would have been talked to death by wild URQUHARTS.

The Queen. What is to be done, Mr. Punch? You know, as well as I do, that those two old gentlemen will quarrel again in six months. Upon my word, the trouble they give is quite aggravating. BEATRICE, my love, Papa won't like your poking the scissors through his pictures in the album.

Mr. Punch (going to the rescue). Here, your Royal Highness, take this book instead; you may prick that with advantage, because you will be putting a point into it. (Gives H.R.H. a splendidly bound copy of ***.)

The Queen. Oh, that is too bad, and yet you are quite right. Well, now, what do you say about a Ministry? Shall we deprive LORD PALMERSTON and LORD JOHN RUSSELL of any pretext for quarrelling, by appointing a Premier over them?

Mr. Punch. The idea is an admirable one, Madam. But I do not think that their Lordships will like to be deprived of that pretext; and as for LORD JOHN, who is one of your Majesty's most cantankerous subjects, I doubt whether he will consent to have his friend, the Viscount, placed out of harm's way.

The Queen. It will be very peevish of him to resist. But I have a good mind to try. The arrangement would be so much better; for it is too bad to have my people disturbed with incessant changes. I suppose that it is of no use asking you to be Premier?

Mr. Punch. The faintest expression of your Majesty's remotest

wish is a command to me, Madam; but I feel that I can serve your Grace much better in Fleet Street than in Downing Street.

The Queen. You can do anything admirably, anywhere and every where; but be it as you wish. Name somebody most like yourself. Mr. Punch. That is to say, your Majesty wants a puppet. I would name LORD GRANVILLE.

The Queen (touches a table-bell, and the Lord Steward of the Household enters and prostrates himself). EXETER, send for LORD GRANVILLE.

After some further conversation, which Mr. Punch is not disposed to reveal, he took his leave; not without difficulty, for the PRINCESS BEATRICE, who is a very affectionate little thing, insisted upon going with him, and was diverted from her purpose only by Toby being left for H.R.H. to play with.

LORD GRANVILLE came, and was ordered to make a Ministry. Of course he went dancing off in high glee, telling everybody he was Prime Minister of England, and pretending to walk statelily, for he is capital fun (in his place). Of course he went to PALMERSTON, and unfolded his views:

Lord Palmerston. Well, I am blowed!
Lord Granville. But will you?

Lord Palmerston. Been to JACKY?

Lord Granville. You first, in course.

Lord Palmerston. If he will, I will! By Jove! You! Ha! ha! ha! The Earl went off, and the good-natured Viscount whistled (he is a great whistler) about thirty-six airs before he had got rid of his amusement; and at last LADY PALMERSTON sent in to know whether he had been, by any accident, turned into a musical box. Meantime, GRANVILLE went to LORD JOHN RUSSELL, and propounded.

Lord John. Shan't! (Resumes CUMMING on the Apocalypse.)

Of course, LORD GRANVILLE had nothing else to do but to announce at the Palace that Mr. Punch's prophecy was more correct than DR. CUMMING's; and LORD PALMERSTON was sent for.

The VISCOUNT spent the week in going to people, or having them to see him; and, in the end a Cabinet was formed. LORD JOHN RUSSELL is Foreign Minister; but his Chief could not help sending him, with the Portfolio (there is no such thing), a little book called, "How to Speak French like a Native," which nearly broke up the new Ministry. However, all went pretty well: three Dukes, SOMERSET, NEWCASTLE, and ARGYLL, were secured, to make the thing respectable; and a couple of Earls, GRANVILLE and ELGIN, were also enlisted. BETHELL ought to have been made Lord Chancellor; but the fact is, that in the House of Commons there is a sad want of oratorical brains combined with sound law, on the Liberal side; and the Solicitor-General, KEATING, is no great shakes; besides which, there is something about the limitation of a Peerage to a second son. So SIR RICHARD was induced to wait a little longer, and LORD CAMPBELL was made Chancellor. And, O ye bucolic Squires, a place, yea, the Presidency of the Board of Trade, was reserved for the man, even RICHARD COBDEN, and the world has not dropped to pieces. Homeric GLADSTONE is once more Chancellor of the Exchequer, and has mentioned confidentially that he already sees three ways of increasing our taxation, and will probably adopt them all. Of smaller men, Mr. Punch demeans not himself to speak; let them appear in their Parliamentary places.

The Whitsun holidays were on, and the Houses did not meet till Friday. Then LORD DERBY mentioned that he had retired, and blew up LORD GRANVILLE for going about talking of his interview with the QUEEN. LORD GRANVILLE admitted that he had done wrong, but pleaded that he had felt so uncommon cocky that he could not help crowing. LORD BROUGHAM intimated that he had called upon the QUEEN to give her advice, but should not say what it was. This is Brag. What passed was this:

Lord Brougham. In the formation of a new Ministry, Madam, your Majesty will no doubtEXETER enters.

EATEN UP WITH VERMIN;

OR, MRS. JONES ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS.

HERE's somethink to destroy them nasty flies, Ah, drat 'em! and the fleas

and bobs to rout:

There's stuff to pison rats,

and mice likewise, And serve blackbeetles and

cockroaches out. Thank goodness, we can kill sich varmint cheap, And make a riddance of their nits and eggs; But ha! we han't a got no means to sweep

Away them other varmint on two legs.

Them foreign rebels, which
occasions war;

Them there's the reptiles, if
I had my will,
Which, for there is none that
I do more abhor,
Like wopses, ants, or ear-
wigs, I would kill.
I wish they could be hunted
down with dogs,
Like foxes, which is kings to

sitch a crew;

I hate 'em wuss than spiders, toads, or frogs: I loathe the good-for-nothing brutes, I do. 'Tis all along of them we have to pay

The dreadful taxes which we feel so sore, Because they shan't come over here some day, Thievin' and murderin' on our native shore. More ships-more sojers-is the constant cry, And which it costs us millions to maintain, And that's the way the money goes-whereby Up goes the blessed Income-Tax again.

It do seem hard-at peace when we would live With all the world-to be so heavy prest, And not have no nux womiter to give,

And rid ourselves of sitch an ojus pest. With all your chemistry one would suppose Some sort of comphysician you could find To make short work of what I call the foes, Like evil beasts, you may say, of mankind.

SLANG OF THE SUPERIOR CLASSES.

THE CROWNING OF KING HANDEL. WHEN these words are made public the crowning of King HANDEL will be but half complete, and there will still remain a chance for those who wish to witness it. To the Crystal Palace Courts there is this week added the Royal HANDEL Court. Enthroned in the great Transept, King HANDEL "holds fit audience," and not "few" of his admirers. Long before we write, the Coronation March of loyal subjects has commenced. For months past there has mentally been heard, by the quick-eared of us, a concerted pedal movement of all musicloving people, assembling to do homage to the king of all composers. From Paris and from Pimlico, from New York and from Newminster, from Berlin and from Birmingham, from Clapton and from Canada, crowds have eagerly been flocking from all points of the compass, zealous to take part in the Sydenham celebration. The monarch of music is there throned in kingly state, receiving at their hands the laurel crown which is his due. From the top of the great organ a all reverence and homage for his genius, vent is given to the gratitude century of homage and gratitude looks down on him. Mingled with which is fitly felt for it. If ever monarch "gave good gifts to men," King HANDEL did. Thousands dead, and thousands living yet, and thousands yet unborn, have been and (let us hope it) will be bettered by his works. For goodness, as for greatness, his works stand alone, and are not to be compared to those of common potentates. Far more enduring are his works than other king's works. The kings who built the Pyramids could not construct such lasting monuments as King HANDEL'S Messiah, or Judas Maccabæus. The works of Cherbourg are accounted the Pyramids of France, and from their massiveness of masonry are looked upon as lasting; but who for durability will venture to compare them with the gigantic construction of the Dettingen Te Deum, or with the massive harmonies of Israel in Egypt? Such stupendous works as these, in grandeur, far surpass the Pyramids. There is by far more genius evolved in their construction than in the erection of a myriad of Cherbourgs. King HANDEL's works have their foundations deeply laid in human hearts, and will long outlive mere stones and bricks and mortar.

It takes a century, at least, to produce a man like HANDEL, and it is but due that we keep fitly his centenary. With this intent, King Punch has wreathed a crown of laurels, and intends with his own hands to place it in all reverence upon his brother HANDEL's bust. The ceremony will take place at the close of the performance; and England expects that the cheers will blow the crystal roof off on Friday.

EUCLID MADE EASY.

IN a Times report of a Mathematical Lecture lately delivered at King's College, by PROFESSOR SYLVESTER, Occurs the following passage of interest to the sportive world :

"We are told by those who recollect him, that MONGE could, by the turn of the wrist, and by the shrug of the shoulders peculiar to his nation, render the most complex geometrical figure intelligible to his hearers."

Mathematics are a dry study; but the above information suggests a method by which they might be rendered a very amusing one. Imagine

"HON. AUGUSTUS and MISS MACDONALD MORETON'S danse.'"

Here again we have a questionable word between Fashion's favourite inverted commas. In what does a danse differ from a dance, except in being spelt wrong, (eh, MALMESBURY ?) if meant for an English substantive? May the inverted commas be taken to express an editorial disclaimer of responsibility for the peculiar orthography of the word? If the word is to be taken for French, why was the French term used in preference to the English one? Is the Frenchification of the name of the thing signified intended to answer the same purpose as the substitution of Latin in certain cases for the vulgar tongue? Is it designed to disguise the coarseness or indelicacy of the thing? Its effect, on the contrary, is rather to suggest somewhat of that sort; and the "danse" of those stylish persons, the HON. AUGUSTUS and his fair relative, seems to bear an analogy to what would be described, in a list of "Unfashionable Arrangements" which might be published in a journal consecrated to the inferior classes, as a "hop."

"They Love, and They Ride Away." APROPOS of LORD JOHN RUSSELL'S acceptance of the Foreign Office, the Globe says he has recently been travelling in Italy, "for the purpose of studying the Italian question in situ.” There is, then, this difference between LORD JOHN RUSSELL and the Austrians: LORD JOHN attempts to study the Italians in situ! whereas, the Austrians content themselves with studying them in trän-situ.

complex geometrical figure. Nothing perhaps can be well conceived more calculated to excite violent laughter. Why should not the talent of a MONGE be combined with that of a GRIMALDI? Why should not Cambridge Professors demonstrate the most complex mathematical problems by making faces in which the lines of the countenance would correspond to the diagrams? What fun it would be if EUCLID could be made easy through the horse-collar!

A DISCORD IN PSYCHOLOGY.

Ar the City Sessions, the other day, a young gentleman named JOHN GROVES, Seventeen years of age, a clerk in the National Provincial Bank of England, pleaded guilty to an indictment for forging and uttering an order for the payment of £1000 with intent to defraud; and, according to the statement of his counsel:

"It appeared from a letter which the prisoner had written to his father, that ho (the prisoner) who had a passion almost amounting to madness for music, committed the forgery to enable him to proceed to Italy and study music."

We should like to know how far this young gentleman's excuse of a violent passion for music is true. If he could counterfeit an order for money, he could also tell a lie, and an extreme passion for an art so intimately associated with the higher regions of the human mind as that of musić is, does not seem quite compatible with deliberate fraud. It appears to us that a youth who really had any music in his soul would be incapable of either penning or uttering any false notes whatever.

TARPEIA.-A WARNING.

As one Ré Galantuomo should write to another,
This letter, beneath his own broad British seal,

King Punch sends KING VICTOR EMMANUEL, his brother;
With best wishes for his, and Sardinia's weal.

With int'rest, dear brother, right honest and hearty,

We have watch'd the past progress of you and your state; Seen Patriotism still vanquishing Party,

And teaching how e'en a small power may be great.

Each stout-hearted protest 'gainst Austrian pretension,
In our brotherly heart a quick echo has found;
Each effort to solder Italian dissension,

Us to you, heart and hope, still more closely has bound.
From the foot of your Alps, Freedom's chosen dominion,
Shone your light-joy to friend, rage and envy to foe;
While the black Austrian Vulture expanded her pinion,
Like a death-shade o'er Lombardy, crouching in woe.
We trusted, we loved you; we shared in your gladness,
As Italy, state after state, own'd you friend;

And tyranny, stung by that joy into madness,
Bade whet claw and talon, the victim to rend.

Had the vulture made swoop-'ere the summons was spoken,
Shield to shield, sword by sword, we had stood, close allied,
Vulture-wings, vulture-talons, our onset had broken,

While Red Cross and Tricolor waved side by side.

But you waxed hot and hasty; you bent to impatience,
You bade to your borders the might of the Gaul:

He needed no challenge: asked no provocations:
So eager to come, he scarce waited a call.

Shall Eagle be trusted to war upon Vulture?

Bird of rapine against bird of rapine array?

As well Light wed Darkness, Brute Force embrace Culture,
As Absolute Will second Freedom's essay.

Shall grapes grow on thorns; or shall figs spring on thistles?
Blame not those who ne'er look such strange fruitage to see:
What kin owns the wind, round your snow-peaks that whistles,
With the breath courtiers utter, bow'd head and bent knee?
Be our wish what it may, 'twill not chase evil omen;
We think of the legend of Rome's early day;
Of Tarpeia, who opened the gate to the foemen,
Nor dream'd her that opened they first would betray.

She had seen the gold gleam-by the well as she tarried-
Of their bracelets; to womanish longing she yields:
She would ope, for the gauds on their arms that they carried:
They promised; they entered; she died 'neath their shields.

May the lot of Tarpeia from you be averted!

For your too easy faith may you ne'er have to blush:
When by these, your defenders, betrayed and deserted,
You find that the shields which should shelter, can crush.