Pulled out his watch, and cried, "Past nine!
Why, zounds, they shut the gates at ten!"
Backward he turned his steps instanter,
Stumping along with might and main;
And though 'tis plain

He couldn't gallop, trot, or canter,

(Those who had seen him would confess it) he
Marched well for one of such obesity.

Eyeing his watch, and now his forehead mopping,
He puffed and blew along the road,

Afraid of melting, more afraid of stopping;
When in his path he met a clown

Returning from the town:

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Tell me," he panted in a thawing state,
"Dost think I can get in, friend, at the gate ?"
"Get in," replied the hesitating loon,

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Measuring with his eye our bulky wight-
Why-yes, sir-I should think you might,
A load of hay went in this afternoon."

30.-WANTED-A GOVERNESS.

GEORGE DUBOURG.

A GOVERNESS wanted-well fitted to fill
The post of tuition with competent skill-
In a gentleman's family highly genteel.
Superior attainments are quite indispensable,
With everything, too, that's correct and ostensible;
Morals of pure unexceptionability;

Manners well formed, and of strictest gentility.

The pupils are five-ages, six to sixteen

All as promising girls as ever were seen

And besides (though 'tis scarcely worth while to put that in)

There is one little boy-but he only learns Latin.

The lady must teach all the several branches

Whereinto polite education now launches;

She's expected to teach the French tongue like a native,
And be to her pupils of all its points dative;

Italian she must know à fond, nor needs banish

Whatever acquaintance she may have with Spanish;
Nor would there be harm in a trifle of German,

In the absence, that is, of the master, Von Hermann.
The harp and piano-cela va sans dire,
With thorough bass, too, on the plan of Logier.
In drawing in pencil and chalks, and the tinting
That's called Oriental, she must not be stint in;

She must paint upon paper, and satin, and velvet;
And if she knows gilding, she'll not need to shelve it.
Dancing, of course, with the newest gambades,
The Polish mazurka, and best galopades:
Arithmetic, history, joined with chronology,
Heraldry, botany, writing, conchology,
Grammar, and satin-stitch, netting, geography,
Astronomy, use of the globes, and cosmography.
"Twere also as well she should be calisthenical,

That her charges' young limbs may be pliant to any call.
Their health, play, and studies, and moral condition,
Must be superintended without intermission:
At home, she must all habits check that disparage,
And when they go out must attend to their carriage.
Her faith must be orthodox-temper most pliable,—
Health good-and reference quite undeniable.
These are the principal matters. Au reste,
Address, Bury-street, Mrs. General Peste.
As the salary's moderate, none need apply
Who more on that point than comfort rely.

31.-THE TINKER AND THE MILLER'S DAUGHTER. DR. JOHN WOLCOT.

[See page 526.]

THE meanest creature somewhat may contain,
As Providence ne'er makes a thing in vain.

Upon a day, a poor and trav'lling tinker,
In Fortune's various tricks a constant thinker,
Pass'd in some village near a miller's door,
Where, lo! his eye did most astonish'd catch
The miller's daughter peeping o'er the hatch,
Deform'd and monstrous ugly to be sure.

Struck with the uncommon form, the tinker started,
Just like a frighten'd horse, or murd❜rer carted,
Up gazing at the gibbet and the rope;

Turning his brain about, in a brown study

(For, as I've said, his brain was not so muddy),

"Zounds!" quoth the tinker, "I have now some hope. Fortune, the jade, is not far off, perchance."

And then began to rub his hands and dance.

Now, all so full of love, o'erjoyed he ran,

Embrac'd and squeez'd Miss Grist, and thus began:
"My dear, my soul, my angel, sweet Miss Grist,
Now may I never mend a kettle more,

If ever I saw one like you before!"

Then nothing loth, like Eve, the nymph he kiss'd.

Now, very sensibly indeed, Miss Grist
Thought opportunity should not be miss'd;
Knowing that prudery oft lets slip a joy;
Thus was Miss Grist too prudent to be coy.

For really 'tis with girls a dangerous farce,
To flout a swain when offers are but scarce.

She did not scream, and cry, "I'll not be woo'd;
Keep off, you dingy fellow-don't be rude;
I'm fit for your superiors, tinker."-No,
Indeed she treated not the tinker so.

But lo! the damsel with her usual squint,
Suffered her tinker-lover to imprint

Sweet kisses on her lips, and squeeze her hand,
Hug her, and say the softest things unto her,
And in love's plain and pretty language woo her,
Without a frown, or even a reprimand.

Soon won, the nymph agreed to be his wife,
And, when the tinker chose, be tied for life.

Now to the father the brisk lover hied,
Who at his noisy mill so busy plied,
Grinding, and taking handsome toll of corn,
Sometimes, indeed, too handsome to be borne.
"Ho! Master Miller," did the tinker say-

Forth from his cloud of flour the miller came: "Nice weather, Master Miller-charming day— Heaven's very kind."-The miller said the same. "Now, miller, possibly you may not guess

At this same business I am come about: 'Tis this, then-know, I love your daughter Bess:There, Master Miller!-now the riddle's out.

I'm not for mincing matters, sir! d'ye see-
I like your daughter Bess, and she likes me."

"Poh!" quoth the miller, grinning at the tinker,

Thou dost not mean to marriage to persuade her; Ugly. as is Old Nick, I needs must think her,

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Though, to be sure, she is as heav'n has made her.

'No, no, though she's my daughter, I'm not blind; But, tinker, what hath now possessed thy mind; Thou'rt the first offer she has met, by dadBut tell me, tinker, art thou drunk or mad ?” "No-I'm not drunk nor mad," the tinker cried, "But Bet's the maid I wish to make my bride; No girl in these two eyes doth Bet excel."

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Why, fool!" the miller said, "Bet hath a hump!
And then her nose !-the nose of my old pump.'

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I know it," quoth the tinker, "know it well."
"Her face," quoth Grist, "is freckled, wrinkled flat;
Her mouth as wide as that of my tom cat:

And then she squints a thousand ways at once-
Her waist a corkscrew; and her hair how red!
A downright bunch of carrots on her head-

Why, what the deuce has got into thy sconce ?"
"No deuce is in my sconce," rejoined the tinker;
"But, sir, what's that to you, if fine I think her?"
"Why, man," quoth Grist, "she's fit to make a show,
And therefore sure I am that thou must banter."
"Miller," replied the tinker, "right, for know,
'Tis for that very thing, a show, I want her."

32.-LAW; OR BULLUM versus BOATUM.

GEORGE ALEXANDER STEPHENS.

[Stephens was an actor of some celebrity in his day, and the author of an entertainment which he gave himself, entitled "A Lecture on Heads." The celebrated song of "The Storm" is from his pen. He died, old and neglected, in great poverty, 1784.]

LAW is law-law is law; and as such and so forth and hereby, and aforesaid, provided always, nevertheless, notwithstanding. Law is like a country dance-people are led up and down in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of surgery-there are a great many desperate cases in it. It is also like physic-they that take the least of it are best off. Law is like a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow. Law is also like a scolding wife-very bad when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion-people are bewitched to get into it. It is also like bad weather-most people are glad when they get out of it.

We shall now mention a cause, "Bullum versus Boatum:" it was a cause that came before me. The cause was as follows:There were two farmers: Farmer A. and Farmer B. Farmer A. was seized or possessed of a bull: Farmer B. was seized or possessed of a ferry-boat. Now, the owner of the ferry-boat, having made his boat fast to a post on shore, with a piece of hay twisted ropefashion, (or, as we say, vulgo vocato, a hay-band,) after he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, as it was very natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner; Farmer A.'s bull, as it was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to look for a dinner; and observing, discovering, seeing, and spying out some turnips in the bottom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into the ferry-boat; he ate up the turnips, and, to make an end of

his meal, fell to work on the hay-band. The boat being eaten from its moorings, floated down the river, with the bull in it: it struck against a rock; beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard; whereupon the owner of the bull brought his action against the boat, for running away with the bull; the owner of the boat brought his action against the bull, for running away with the boat; and thus notice of trial was given, Bullum versus Boatum-Boatum versus Bullum.

Now, the counsel for the bull began with saying, "My lord, and you, gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull. We are indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my lord, we have heard of running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, my lord, the bull could no more run away with the boat than a man in a coach may be said to run away with the horses, therefore, my lord, how can we punish what is not punishable? How can we eat what is not eatable? Or how can we drink what is not drinkable? Therefore, my lord, as we are counsel in this cause for the bull, if the jury should bring the bull in guilty, the jury would be guilty of a bull."

Now, the counsel for the boat observed, that the bull should be nonsuited; because in his declaration, he had not specified what colour he was of; for thus wisely, and thus learnedly, spoke the counsel" My lord, if the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour; and if he was not of any colour, what colour could the bull be of?" I overruled this motion myself, by observing, the bull was a white bull, and that white is no colour; besides, as I told my brethren, they should not trouble their heads to talk of colour in the law, for the law can colour anything.

This cause being afterwards left to a reference, upon the award, both bull and boat were acquitted, it being proved that the tide of the river carried them both away; upon which I gave it as my opinion, that, as the tide of the river carried both bull and boat away, both bull and boat had a good action against the waterbailiff.

My opinion being taken, an action was issued; and, upon the traverse, this point of law arose :- -How, wherefore, and whether, why, when, and what, whatsoever, whereas, and whereby, as the boat was not a compos mentis evidence, how can an oath be administered? That point was soon settled by Boatum's attorney declaring, that, for his client, he would swear anything.

The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out of the original record, in true law Latin; which set forth, in their declaration, that they were carried away either by the tide of the flood, or the tide of the ebb. The charter of the water-bailiff was as follows:-Aquæ bailiffi est magistratus in choisi super omnibus fishibus qui habuerunt finnos et scalos, claws, shells, et tālos qui swimmare in freshibus, vel saltibus riveris, lakis, pondis, cannalibus, et well boats; sive oysteri, prawni, whitini, shrimpi, turbatus, solus; that is, not turbots alone, but turbots and soles both together.

But now comes the nicety of the law; the law is as nice as a new