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Yet, for the gen'ral welfare, I'm content
To make a clofe and firm alliance,
That we may all live eafy and content,
And bid our foes defiance."

While thus, Sir Goitre, fwagg'ring and vap'ring,
Led his poor paffive partner fuch a life,
Comes a French Surgeon, flourishing and capering,
Who whipping out his knife,

Made an incifion to the quick,

Like boys about a stick,

And prefently proceeded to diffever

The ill-match'd pair for ever and for ever.
Here Goitre lay, a wither'd lifeless lump,

While the difburthen'd body vigorous grew and plump.
Aioft ftates abound in hangers on and tumours.
From petty warts to wens of monftrous fize,
That fuck the blood and wafte the precious humours,.
Yet call themfelves fupporters and allies.

[Chronicle.]

TH

A DARING ROBBERY..

my a

HIEVES! Thieves! Thieves! was the general cry which alarmed me in my bed a few nights. ago; when opening my chamber-door, I found two thieves had made a forcible entry at the top of the houfe, and were plundering it without mercy.-Hip! hilloa! faid I, who the devil are ye? In anfwer to which queftion, a voice came down the well of the ftaircafe as hoarfe as thunder, informing me they were the High Contracting Parties. You be d-d, faid I, for a brace of blackguards-I know you well enoughDid not one of you break into my houfe a fortnight agoi-Did not you rob my hen-rooft? Steal my geefe and turkies, drive away my pigs, fet fire to my barn,

ravish my wife, ftrip my orchard, and frighten my children into fits? Did not you do all this, you fcoundrels? -And pick my pocket into the bargain? Well, no matter for that, faid they, we are difpofed to be goodhumoured now, and heartily forgive you for all that has paffed between us-So let's fhake hands, and be friends again. Come, come, to forget and forgive is our maxim; and as we don't wish to quarrel again, we mean now to remove every bone of contention, by leaving nothing behind to contend for; on which, Sir, they very deliberately proceeded to ftrip my butler's pantry; my filver candlesticks, my filver waiters, my old family filver tankard, my coffee-pot, my table-spoons and fnuff-box were all removed off without ceremony, and my chairs and tables followed. I had but one pair of black breeches in the world, and thefe, with my beft hat and wig, they rolled up carefully in the flap of my coat, and placed them to the account of profit and lofs with the articles abovementioned. In fhort, Sir, I found them to be literally as they defcribed themselves, High Contracting Parties, for they fat down to a fillet of veal of ten pounds and contracted it to half a one. They tapped a barrel of beer of nine gallons, and contracted the quantity to half a pint. They opened a quart bottle of cherry-bounce and contracted it to a thimble-full. In the parlour they left nothing ftanding but the mantle-piece; in the kitchen, nothing but the dreffer; in the pantry, nothing but the fhelves. They then ftole my cart and horfes to carry my goods off the premises; but had the goodness to inform me, after quitting my houfe, and leaving me as bare as a bird juft hatched, that I need not be under any uneafinefs about future plunder, as the High Contracting Parties, I might depend upon it, would guarantee me. Now, Mr. Editor, as thefe High Contracting Perfons are very well known to Mr. Reeves, and his friends, I with much to give them notice of what is going forward; as no honeft man will be able to fleep in his bed if these infernal thieves are not speedily brought to justice.

[Chronicle.]

TOM POLAND.

IN

THE SORCERESS.

A FABLE.

N the dead of the night, a Sorcerefs entered into a a wood to exercife her infernal arts; a large circle was made, which was to inclose the scene of her terrible machinations; a dreadful hurricane was prefentiy raised, the timber of the foreft was feized with convulfions, a peftilence went abroad among the folds, the moon was drawn down from her orbit, and legions of fpirits appeared before the Sorcerefs, and demanded her pleafure? "Only (fays fhe) fhew me where is my little dog that has run away from me."

MORAL.

Would the reader wish for a better picture of a modern democrat?

He has been paffed over in the lift of preferments; he is rich, and unrewarded with nobility; he is a lawyer, and has not obtained a filk gown; he is a member of parliament, and his predilection for fome favourite measure has been croffed; or, he has loft a borough by the oppofition of government; he is a country gentleman, and his vote has not gained him a place; he is a perfon of feeling, and has received a fuppofed flight from a man in power; he is a merchant, and has loft a veffel for want of a convoy; he has not been received into the loan; he is a mechanic, and his invention for burning the enemy's fleet has been ill received. Any one of these disappointments is enough to make a democrat; that is to fay, a man who, to gratify his refentment, would willingly involve this country in the ruin of France, break up all the peace and profperity of the land, and bring mifery and defolation upon the fairest kingdom which the nations of the earth have exhibited.

[St. James's Chronicle.]

I

SIR,

*

TERRORIST NOVEL WRITING.

NEVER complain of fashion, when it is confined to externals-to the form of a cap, or the cut of a lapelle; to the colour of a wig, or the tune of a ballad; but when I perceive that there is fuch a thing as fashion even in compofing books, it is, perhaps, full time that fome attempt fhould be made to recall writers to the old boundaries of common fenfe.

I allude, Sir, principally to the great quantity of novels with which our circulating libraries are filled, and our parlour tables covered, in which it has been the fashion to make terror the order of the day, by confining the heroes and heroines in old gloomy caftles, full of spectres, apparitions, ghosts, and dead men's bones. This is now fo common, that a Novelist blushes to bring about a marriage by ordinary means,

--

*It is easy to see that the fatire of this letter is particularly levelled at a literary lady of confiderable talents, who has prefented the world with three novels, in which the hat found out the secret of making us “fall in love with what we fear to look on.". -The fyftem of terror which the is adopted is not the only reproach to which the is liable. Befides, the tedious monotony of her defcriptions, fhe affects in the most difgufting manner a knowledge of languages, countries, cuftoms, and objects of art of which he is lamentably ignorant. She fufpends tripods from the cieling by chains, not knowing that a tripod is a utensil standing upon three feet.---She covers the kingdom of Naples with India figs becaufe St. Pierre has introduced thofe tropical plants in his tales, of which the fcene is laid in India---and the makes a convent of monks a neceffary appendage to a monaftery of nuns. This fhews how well a lady understands the wants of her fex. Whenever the introduces an Italian word it is fure to be a grofs violation of the language. Inftead of making a nobleman's fervant call him Padrone, or Illuftriffimo, the makes him addrefs him by the title of Maeftro, which is Italian for a teacher. She converts the fingular of Lazzaroni into Lazzaro, &c. &c. &c.

This lady's husband told a friend that he was going to Germany with his wife, the object of whofe journey was to pick up materials for a novel. I think in that cafe anfwered his friend, that you had better let her go alone!

but

but conducts the happy pair through long and dangerous galleries, where the light burns blue, the thunder rattles, and the great window at the end prefents the hideous vifage of a murdered man, uttering piercing groans, and developing fhocking myfteries. If a curtain is withdrawn, there is a bleeding body behind it; if a cheft is opened, it contains a skeleton; if a noise is heard, fomebody is receiving a deadly blow; and if a candle goes out, its place is fure to be fupplied by a flash of lightening. Cold hands grasp us in the dark, ftatues are seen to move, and fuits of armour walk off their pegs, while the wind whiftles louder than one of Handel's choruffes, and the ftill air is more melancholy than the dead march in Saul.

Such are the dreffes and decorations of a modern novel, which, as Bayes fays, is calculated to "elevate and furprife," but in doing fo, carries the young reader's imagination into fuch a confufion of terrors, as must be hurtful. It is to great purpofe, indeed, that we have forbidden our fervants from telling the children ftories of ghofts and hobgoblins, if we cannot put a novel into their hands which is not filled with monfters of the imagination, more frightful than are to be found in Glanvil, the famous bug-a-boo of our fore fathers.

A novel, if at all useful, ought to be a representation of human life and manners, with a view to direct the conduct in the important duties of life, and to correct its follies. But what inftruction is to be reaped from the distorted ideas of lunatics, I am at a lofs to conceive. Are we come to fuch a pass, that the only commandment neceffary to be repeated is, "Thou fhalt do no murder?" Áre the duties of life fo changed, that all the inftructions neceflary for a young perfon is to learn to walk at night upon the battlements of an old caftle, to creep hands and feet along a narrow paffage, and meet the devil at the end of it? Is the corporeal frame of the female fex fo mafculine and hardy, that it must be softened down by the touch of dead bo

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