as for the tryal of criminals, and picked out from the most dextrous lawyers who are grown old or lazy; and having been byaffed all their lives against truth and equity, lie under fuch a fatal neceffity of favouring fraud, perjury, and oppreffion, that I have known fome of them refuse a large bribe from the fide where juftice lay, rather than injure the faculty by doing any thing unbecoming their nature or their office.

It is a maxim among thefe lawyers, that whatever hath been done before, may legally be done again: and therefore they take special care to record all the decifions formerly made against common juftice, and the general reafon of mankind. Thefe, under the name of precedents, they produce as authorities to justify the most iniquitous opinions, and the judges never fail of directing accordingly.

In pleading they ftudiously avoid entering into the merits of the caufe; but are loud, violent, and tedious, in dwelling upon all circumftances which are not to the purpose. For inftance, in the cafe already mentioned: they never defire to know what claim or title my adverfary hath to my cow; but whether the faid cow were red or black; her horns long or fhort; whether the field I graze her in be round or fquare; whether he was milked at home or abroad; what diseases she is fubject to, and the like; after which they confult precedents, adjourn the caufe from time to time,

and

and in ten, twenty, or thirty years come to an iffue.

It is likewife to be obferved, that this fociety hath a peculiar cant and jargon of their own, that no other mortal can underftand, and wherein all their laws are written, which they take special care to multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded the very effence of truth and falfhood, of right and wrong; fo that it will take thirty years to decide, whether the field left me by my ancestors for fix generations belongs to me or to a stranger three. hundred miles off.

In the trial of perfons accufed for crimes against the state, the method is much more short and commendable: the judge first fends to found the difpofition of thofe in power, after which he can eafily hang or fave a criminal, ftrictly preferving all due forms of law.

Here my master interpofing, faid it was a pity, that creatures endowed with such prodigious abilities of mind, as thefe lawyers, by the defcription I gave of them, must certainly be, were not rather encouraged to be inftructors of others in wifdom and knowledge. In answer to which I affured his honour, that in all points out of their own trade they were ufually the most ignorant and stupid generation among us, the moft defpicable in common. converfation, avowed enemies to all knowledge and learning, and equally difpofed to pervert the general reafon of mankind in every other Z 2

fubject

340

fubject of difcourfe as in that of their own profeffion.

CHAP. VI.

A continuation of the ftate of England under queen Anne. The character of a first minifter of ftate in european courts.

MY

and

Y master was yet wholly at a loss to understand, what motives could incite this race of lawyers to perplex, difquiet, weary themselves, and engage in a confederacy of injustice, meerly for the fake of injuring their fellow-animals; neither could he comprehend what I meant in saying, they did it for hire. Whereupon I was at much pains to describe to him the use of money, the materials it was made of, and the value of the metals, that when a yahoo had got a great store of this precious fubftance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a mind to, the finest cloathing, the nobleft houses, great tracts of land, the most coftly meats and drinks; and have his choice of the most beautiful females. Therefore fince money alone was able to perform all these feats, our yahoos thought they could never have enough of it to spend, or to fave, as they found themselves inclined from their natural bent either to profufion or avarice. That the rich man enjoyed the fruit of the poor man's labour, and the latter were a

thoufand

thoufand to one in proportion to the former. That the bulk of our people were forced to live miferably, by labouring every day for small wages, to make a few live plentifully. I enlarged myself much on these and many other particulars to the fame purpose: but his honour was still to feek; for he went upon a fuppofition, that all animals had a title to their share in the productions of the earth, and efpecially thofe who prefided over the reit. Therefore he defired I would let him know, what these costly meats were, and how any of us happened to want them. Whereupon I enumerated as many forts as came into my head, with the various methods of dreffing them, which could not be done without fending veffels by fea to every part of the world, as well for liquors to drink, as for fauces, and innumerable other conveniencies. I affured him that this whole globe of earth must be at least three times gone round, before one of our better female yahoos could get her breakfast or a cup to put it in. it in. He faid, that must needs be a miferable country, which cannot furnish food for its own inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered at was, how such vast tracts of ground, as I defcribed, fhould be wholly without fresh water, and the people put to the neceffity of fending over the fea for drink. I replied, that England (the dear place of my nativity) was computed to produce three times the quantity of food, more than its inhabi

tants are able to confume, as well as liquors extracted from grain, or preffed out of the fruit of certain trees, which made excellent drink ; and the fame proportion in every other convenience of life. But in order to feed the luxury and intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, we fent away the greatest part of our neceffary things to other countries, from whence in return we brought 'the materials of difeafes, folly, and vice, to spend among ourselves. Hence it follows of neceffity, that vaft numbers of our people are compelled to feek their livelihood by begging, robbing, ftealing, cheating, pimping, flattering, fuborning, forfwearing, forging, gaming, lying, fawning, hectoring, voting, fcribling, ftar-gazing, poyfoning, whoring, canting, libelling, freethinking, and the like occupations: every one of which terms I was at much pains to make him understand.

That Wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to fupply the want of water, or other drinks, but because it was a fort of liquid, which made us merry by putting us out of our fenfes, diverted all melancholy thoughts, begat wild extravagant imaginations in the brain, raifed our hopes, and banished our fears; fufpended every office of reason for a time, and deprived us of the use of our limbs, till we fell into a profound fleep; although it must be confeffed, that we always awaked fick and difpirited; and that the use of